If you WANT out of AR, HOW do you stay focused on that?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
If you WANT out of AR, HOW do you stay focused on that?
I was going to put this in the other thread, but started a different one (hope that's ok to do here??).
I've been through rehab with AH 1x before. Right now I KNOW that I want out of this AR. I want out because I'm sick of the BS and I KNOW that I need to remove this toxicity from my life and focus on myself and my kids. (7 yo twins, married for 13 years, together for 21, he's 38, I'm 37). In reality AH has been using vicodin, percocet, etc for probably our entire R. I don't think it became completely out of control until the last few years. After Rehab in 06 he was clean for a while, 1.5 years later he's not.
During the last few weeks I've learned ALOT, both here and because some of AH's buddies called me (they don't use drugs and were horrified to see AH in such bad shape). I've read the books, read a ton about being a codie. I KNOW that it is time for me to take a different road without AH.
BUT - I can see what's going to happen. Right now everyone is in a scramble to try to figure out what to do with AH. Family, counselors, friends, doctors. But ultimately they're putting this on MY shoulders. They're calling ME daily, (his family says he can't do this without you, I don't know where you find the strength, he loves you so much, he'd be nothing without you. My family says you've given him tons of chances, he's failed you every time, you need to file now, get out now and let him go on his own. This is nothing new to you.) I"m reading here daily, all the while AH is in lalaland denying that anything is wrong.
I can already see how this will play out because I've done this before. Everybody is in a frenzy, AH will most likely break and get help. Things will calm down, our life will resume, he'll object to mental help to gain the tools to not use again. (He'll either object, or will eventually slack off to non existence in getting help). He'll start dabbling again and our process continues to bring us right back here. It will be a 2 year process most likely. Even if he does NOT use again - I feel like our R is so toxic that it can't be repaired because the lies have been so deep for so long. I was very hopeful after his last rehab. But even when he WAS clean I wasn't ok. I didn't trust him, was waiting for it to happen again because it always does ect. That's one thing I"ve always been right about unfortunately.
This is bad to say, I WANT him to get clean, but I want him to do it on his own. If he agrees to rehab or whatever and I drag him to it, I feel like I'll HAVE to stick with him through it AGAIN. I obviously WANT him clean, but I want out. Clean or not, I want out and want to WANT him out. I realize that he CAN get clean, but most likely will go back to it at some point because he won't follow up as he should on the mental help he needs to learn the tools to live in this world without drugs.
I'm a terrible person for saying that I suppose. I want him clean, but I don't want to be a part of this process anymore. He's not been a very good H our entire R. The thing is, HE"s not changed since the beginning very much (other than drugs). "I" have changed. I no longer WANT the frustration that I'd dealt with for so long.
I feel like I"m all over the place, leave, stay, my BIL is a lawyer and saying file something NOW while he still has a job, etc. If I KNOW that I NEED to get out of this M, but still feel for him, see the good, his potential ect. How do I stay focused and determined on the fact that I NEED to get out without getting sucked back in? If I agree to stay with him through rehab (if he agrees to go), In a sense I'm destined to stay here for a long time (as I did 2 years ago) because "I" would be the bad person by leaving him in such a tender state (either in rehab or shortly after). If I leave after he gets help and he goes back to drugs, it will be on "my" shoulders. KWIM? I know, I know - he did this, but the reality is that I still feel the guilt.
Does any of this make sense at all???
I've been through rehab with AH 1x before. Right now I KNOW that I want out of this AR. I want out because I'm sick of the BS and I KNOW that I need to remove this toxicity from my life and focus on myself and my kids. (7 yo twins, married for 13 years, together for 21, he's 38, I'm 37). In reality AH has been using vicodin, percocet, etc for probably our entire R. I don't think it became completely out of control until the last few years. After Rehab in 06 he was clean for a while, 1.5 years later he's not.
During the last few weeks I've learned ALOT, both here and because some of AH's buddies called me (they don't use drugs and were horrified to see AH in such bad shape). I've read the books, read a ton about being a codie. I KNOW that it is time for me to take a different road without AH.
BUT - I can see what's going to happen. Right now everyone is in a scramble to try to figure out what to do with AH. Family, counselors, friends, doctors. But ultimately they're putting this on MY shoulders. They're calling ME daily, (his family says he can't do this without you, I don't know where you find the strength, he loves you so much, he'd be nothing without you. My family says you've given him tons of chances, he's failed you every time, you need to file now, get out now and let him go on his own. This is nothing new to you.) I"m reading here daily, all the while AH is in lalaland denying that anything is wrong.
I can already see how this will play out because I've done this before. Everybody is in a frenzy, AH will most likely break and get help. Things will calm down, our life will resume, he'll object to mental help to gain the tools to not use again. (He'll either object, or will eventually slack off to non existence in getting help). He'll start dabbling again and our process continues to bring us right back here. It will be a 2 year process most likely. Even if he does NOT use again - I feel like our R is so toxic that it can't be repaired because the lies have been so deep for so long. I was very hopeful after his last rehab. But even when he WAS clean I wasn't ok. I didn't trust him, was waiting for it to happen again because it always does ect. That's one thing I"ve always been right about unfortunately.
This is bad to say, I WANT him to get clean, but I want him to do it on his own. If he agrees to rehab or whatever and I drag him to it, I feel like I'll HAVE to stick with him through it AGAIN. I obviously WANT him clean, but I want out. Clean or not, I want out and want to WANT him out. I realize that he CAN get clean, but most likely will go back to it at some point because he won't follow up as he should on the mental help he needs to learn the tools to live in this world without drugs.
I'm a terrible person for saying that I suppose. I want him clean, but I don't want to be a part of this process anymore. He's not been a very good H our entire R. The thing is, HE"s not changed since the beginning very much (other than drugs). "I" have changed. I no longer WANT the frustration that I'd dealt with for so long.
I feel like I"m all over the place, leave, stay, my BIL is a lawyer and saying file something NOW while he still has a job, etc. If I KNOW that I NEED to get out of this M, but still feel for him, see the good, his potential ect. How do I stay focused and determined on the fact that I NEED to get out without getting sucked back in? If I agree to stay with him through rehab (if he agrees to go), In a sense I'm destined to stay here for a long time (as I did 2 years ago) because "I" would be the bad person by leaving him in such a tender state (either in rehab or shortly after). If I leave after he gets help and he goes back to drugs, it will be on "my" shoulders. KWIM? I know, I know - he did this, but the reality is that I still feel the guilt.
Does any of this make sense at all???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Yes, it makes sense. It's part of the emotional roller-coaster ride everyone goes on when they're involved with an addict.
I think the main thing you said is, that even when he was clean, you weren't happy. Do you really think that is going to change? Yes, you remember the "good" side of him, but you haven't seen that in a while.
You would not be a bad person by leaving him when he's in rehab, nor would you be the first. When you've had enough, you've had enough. Actually, if you left him in rehab, he would be surrounded by recovery-focused people to help him, if he wants it. If he's just going in rehab to please you, it won't work anyway.
Yes, he will probably blame you if he spirals down. That is the addict's way of denying WE have any part of the problem. Even though it's not true, it hurts. Best to be prepared for it.
I hope you can do something that brings you and your kids peace. You all deserve it, and he doesn't seem to be concerned about anything but himself right now (another addict trait).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think the main thing you said is, that even when he was clean, you weren't happy. Do you really think that is going to change? Yes, you remember the "good" side of him, but you haven't seen that in a while.
You would not be a bad person by leaving him when he's in rehab, nor would you be the first. When you've had enough, you've had enough. Actually, if you left him in rehab, he would be surrounded by recovery-focused people to help him, if he wants it. If he's just going in rehab to please you, it won't work anyway.
Yes, he will probably blame you if he spirals down. That is the addict's way of denying WE have any part of the problem. Even though it's not true, it hurts. Best to be prepared for it.
I hope you can do something that brings you and your kids peace. You all deserve it, and he doesn't seem to be concerned about anything but himself right now (another addict trait).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
The thing is that he will NOT EVER go to a rehab. What he went to before was only a 3-4 day detox. There are really no resources around here for a true 30-90 day program. He can get clean I know that, but the MENTAL help is what he needs. Also, if he could find a rehab in another state or something I'm not sure how/if insurance would cover it?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Callie,
You sound like you know the direction you want your life, and your childrens to take, and who can blame you?
The same cycle happens over and over again with my oldest son, sober for a bit, using, then, for him, it's back to jail.
You're facing reality here.
And truly, life is short, make the best of it while you can.
Hugs,
You sound like you know the direction you want your life, and your childrens to take, and who can blame you?
The same cycle happens over and over again with my oldest son, sober for a bit, using, then, for him, it's back to jail.
You're facing reality here.
And truly, life is short, make the best of it while you can.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie 
If I leave after he gets help and he goes back to drugs, it will be on "my" shoulders. KWIM? I know, I know - he did this, but the reality is that I still feel the guilt.
It seems that some people need to find detachment first before leaving their addict spouse, while others find it after the physical act of leaving. You sound more like the latter than the former.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Callie)))
As you know, I'm almost out the other side and still have my things. One thing I was told over and over (here and everywhere else) - Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes!
YOU have changed, but he hasn't, as you said, so YOU can and have the right to make the changes in your life that you need to. His family and everyone else, it would be nice for their support, etc., but it's not their lives. They are not going to have to live with the consequences (good or bad) daily with your choice. It is not their marriage.
Big hugs!
As you know, I'm almost out the other side and still have my things. One thing I was told over and over (here and everywhere else) - Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes!
YOU have changed, but he hasn't, as you said, so YOU can and have the right to make the changes in your life that you need to. His family and everyone else, it would be nice for their support, etc., but it's not their lives. They are not going to have to live with the consequences (good or bad) daily with your choice. It is not their marriage.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You need to take care of you. More than likely you are correct about the pattern this wil follow... you have lived it before. I can tell you from my experience that without some type of help, the A can get clean, but not well. Think about what you want and what is best for the kids.
Knowing what is best for the kids is often difficult. They don't deserve to live with an addict, but it's tough to make the break from their parent. You need to be well and happy for you and that will be best for them.
I will keep you in my thoughts. Lots of hugs. It won't be easy, but I think it's worth it!
Knowing what is best for the kids is often difficult. They don't deserve to live with an addict, but it's tough to make the break from their parent. You need to be well and happy for you and that will be best for them.
I will keep you in my thoughts. Lots of hugs. It won't be easy, but I think it's worth it!
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
Yes, it does make sense, and NO, you are not a terrible person. Many here have been or are in you shoes.
The two year process fo quit, dabble, back to where you are, is two more years of your life gone. I understand the feeling of being all over the place, but it sounds to me like you really know what you want, and are ready to do it.
I've read a lot of it here, and felt a little myself, when you make the decision and start moving forward, there are tough times, but a big wieght comes off and you start living for you, not them.
Having kids is tough. My experience is that a toxic marriage is poison for kids. Mine suffered a lot from the stress in our relationship. You can't protect them completely from that. Dad is either going to change or he isn't. If he chooses to he can still be a good dad, and they'll choose to have them in thier lives. You aren't taking thier dad from them, the addiction is.
It sounds like his family is also in lala land. That's too bad, but they'll see how it is when he's on thier couch. after a while they may see your side a little differently. Take care of you, not him, his family or anyone else. Only you know how it is and what you need to do.
The two year process fo quit, dabble, back to where you are, is two more years of your life gone. I understand the feeling of being all over the place, but it sounds to me like you really know what you want, and are ready to do it.
I've read a lot of it here, and felt a little myself, when you make the decision and start moving forward, there are tough times, but a big wieght comes off and you start living for you, not them.
Having kids is tough. My experience is that a toxic marriage is poison for kids. Mine suffered a lot from the stress in our relationship. You can't protect them completely from that. Dad is either going to change or he isn't. If he chooses to he can still be a good dad, and they'll choose to have them in thier lives. You aren't taking thier dad from them, the addiction is.
It sounds like his family is also in lala land. That's too bad, but they'll see how it is when he's on thier couch. after a while they may see your side a little differently. Take care of you, not him, his family or anyone else. Only you know how it is and what you need to do.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Callie, The most wonderful feeling in the world is being captain of your own ship. Living your life for you, the way you want it. When we do anything less ( like giving in to a AS or AH to keep the peace ) we are not happy. I was once married to an addict, he was a compulsive gambler. I stayed with him on & off for 10yrs, through a divorce & a remarriage, then another divorce.............until it was finally over. I was then 27 with 2 sons to raise by myself. I went bk to college & got my degree & after 10 yrs alone met & married my present husband. Truthfully I have never been happier & when I was with my 1st I thought I could never love anyone as much as I loved him. Boy was I ever wrong.
Jim & I will be married 24 yrs this Nov.2nd.
Be true to yourself. As Mooselips said life is too short, and believe me it passes all too quickly. Whenever we give in to someone else when we really don't want to we lose a piece of ourself.
Love,
Diane
PS Oh my ex called me about 6 mts ago after 30 yrs & he went from gambling to drugs & has only been clean & sober since he was 58 & he is now 63. If I had stayed most of my life would have been spent in misery.
Jim & I will be married 24 yrs this Nov.2nd.
Be true to yourself. As Mooselips said life is too short, and believe me it passes all too quickly. Whenever we give in to someone else when we really don't want to we lose a piece of ourself.
Love,
Diane
PS Oh my ex called me about 6 mts ago after 30 yrs & he went from gambling to drugs & has only been clean & sober since he was 58 & he is now 63. If I had stayed most of my life would have been spent in misery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Thank you guys so much for your words of advice. I found out last night that AH put his uniform, drove south like he was going to work, changed clothes, most likely went around the block and I know he was @ a card game on Monday, Tuesday and most likely last night. Was out of it @ the card game, put his uniform back on and came home at the time he usually gets home from work.
Apparantly he owed 6 out of the 10 people @ the card game and he has the nerve to show up there with $150. AND called his mom on Tuesday night asking for $ again. She didn't give it to him. Yet I can look him square in the eye and ask if he went to work and he says yes.
I'm going to call a lawyer today, figure out what I need to do and get everything together. I'll post more later, but thank you for all of your help. I appreciate it so much.
Apparantly he owed 6 out of the 10 people @ the card game and he has the nerve to show up there with $150. AND called his mom on Tuesday night asking for $ again. She didn't give it to him. Yet I can look him square in the eye and ask if he went to work and he says yes.
I'm going to call a lawyer today, figure out what I need to do and get everything together. I'll post more later, but thank you for all of your help. I appreciate it so much.
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