Hello, introducing myself and asking for help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 3
Hello, introducing myself and asking for help
Hi everyone, I'm pretty new to all this so sorry if I don't know some of the terminology etc. I am 27 and I'm from the UK.
I have a friend (he is 29) who I have known for many years, we are pretty close although he's never been the type to open up. For years he's loved having a drink on a night out but for the last couple of years he's been drinking way too much. I know he has had problems with depression and anxiety that he was getting drugs and counselling for it but he doesn't talk about it much so I don't know whether this is ongoing.
For a while now me and some of my other friends have been worried about him and tried talking to him and for a while he seemed to get better but now he's drinking more than ever. I spoke to him the other day and he told me he'd drunk 2 bottles of tequila on a night out. Because he does it socially he doesn't seem to think it's a problem.
Until now I've tried not to nag him too much about it because I didn't want him to push me away but I've got to the point now where I don't care if he hates me, I just don't want him to die. I've been considering talking to his big brother and his parents about it or maybe setting up one of those intervention things. I don't really know what to do now and I would love some advice from someone who has been in the same situation.
Thanks in advance for your advice
I have a friend (he is 29) who I have known for many years, we are pretty close although he's never been the type to open up. For years he's loved having a drink on a night out but for the last couple of years he's been drinking way too much. I know he has had problems with depression and anxiety that he was getting drugs and counselling for it but he doesn't talk about it much so I don't know whether this is ongoing.
For a while now me and some of my other friends have been worried about him and tried talking to him and for a while he seemed to get better but now he's drinking more than ever. I spoke to him the other day and he told me he'd drunk 2 bottles of tequila on a night out. Because he does it socially he doesn't seem to think it's a problem.
Until now I've tried not to nag him too much about it because I didn't want him to push me away but I've got to the point now where I don't care if he hates me, I just don't want him to die. I've been considering talking to his big brother and his parents about it or maybe setting up one of those intervention things. I don't really know what to do now and I would love some advice from someone who has been in the same situation.
Thanks in advance for your advice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Hiya Sweetnitanitro
I'm from the UK too.
I'm still a newbie here but what I have learned is that ultimately it is up to him to help himself. No one else can do it for him.
It sounds harsh, I originally came here to ask for help on behalf of my boyf (now ex). His drinking had gotten out of control. It also made him abusive towards me. The advice I got was - he needs to help himself. I thought "Huh, great, thanks for the advice".
But its true. He also drank socially - never at home so yeah that made him not an alcoholic in his eyes. But he would frequently go out maybe 4 nights a week and drink so many pints and double vodkas that he was 3 times over the limit when I had to arrest him.
Try talking, try talking to his family. He will probably get defensive and angy though. He won't want to admit the problem.
Perhaps when he realises he is pushing his friends away he will begin to realise what his behaviour is doing.
There are many posters here who are wonderful in offering advice. There are also stickies at the top to read.
x x
I'm from the UK too.
I'm still a newbie here but what I have learned is that ultimately it is up to him to help himself. No one else can do it for him.
It sounds harsh, I originally came here to ask for help on behalf of my boyf (now ex). His drinking had gotten out of control. It also made him abusive towards me. The advice I got was - he needs to help himself. I thought "Huh, great, thanks for the advice".
But its true. He also drank socially - never at home so yeah that made him not an alcoholic in his eyes. But he would frequently go out maybe 4 nights a week and drink so many pints and double vodkas that he was 3 times over the limit when I had to arrest him.
Try talking, try talking to his family. He will probably get defensive and angy though. He won't want to admit the problem.
Until now I've tried not to nag him too much about it because I didn't want him to push me away but I've got to the point now where I don't care if he hates me
There are many posters here who are wonderful in offering advice. There are also stickies at the top to read.
x x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 3
Thanks for your reply SugarLily 
I will have a word with his brother I think, he is very sensible. I am prepared for my friend to get angry and maybe not talk to me for a while but I think it will be worth it. I wish I could do more for him but I guess I can't force him to go to rehab. You are right, he does need to help himself, I just wish I could make him see that he needs to get help.
I will have a word with his brother I think, he is very sensible. I am prepared for my friend to get angry and maybe not talk to me for a while but I think it will be worth it. I wish I could do more for him but I guess I can't force him to go to rehab. You are right, he does need to help himself, I just wish I could make him see that he needs to get help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome here to SR.....read the stickies at the top as there is a ton of important information waiting there just for you.....you can also click on any of our names and read our histories ok....
He will only quit when the time is right for him and him alone. You can be the very best lover, spouse, girlfriend, sister, mother ect. in the wholewide world and it won't matter. Soon he will start to blame YOU for his drinking. Why??? Because alcoholism is a very very progressive disease and thats what addicts do. And yes he is an addict.....his drug of choice: alcohol. Learn the 3 C's hun...
You did't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
If you want to maybe a few Al-Anon meeting would help you deal with his drinking. They say to go to at least 6 meetings before you make a decision as to whether or not they are helping you ok....
Take care sweetie.
Janitw
He will only quit when the time is right for him and him alone. You can be the very best lover, spouse, girlfriend, sister, mother ect. in the wholewide world and it won't matter. Soon he will start to blame YOU for his drinking. Why??? Because alcoholism is a very very progressive disease and thats what addicts do. And yes he is an addict.....his drug of choice: alcohol. Learn the 3 C's hun...
You did't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
If you want to maybe a few Al-Anon meeting would help you deal with his drinking. They say to go to at least 6 meetings before you make a decision as to whether or not they are helping you ok....
Take care sweetie.
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sweetnitanitro 
I will have a word with his brother I think, he is very sensible. I am prepared for my friend to get angry and maybe not talk to me for a while but I think it will be worth it. I wish I could do more for him but I guess I can't force him to go to rehab. You are right, he does need to help himself, I just wish I could make him see that he needs to get help.
You can tell your friend you believe he has a drinking problem. He may listen. He may not. But whatever happens, he is the only one who can choose to act on it.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Sweetnitanitro! Glad that you found us 
As Janitw stated please check out some of the stickies at the top of the forum-a lot of great stuff there! There are a list of books too that you may find helpful.
This is a difficult disease for all involved-Just like someone who is not drinking we cannot control of fix them! Everyone has choices to make and no matter how much you nag at them they will only do what is right for them in the end. It is up to them not us to make the right choice for themselves, although we may not agree with it.
It is hard to watch the addicts do what they are doing to themselves however in my experience they will only stop when they are ready to stop-When they see that there life is spinning out of control. Some sadly may never see this.
Al-Anon as Janit stated maybe something to go and try-Sit and listen-it helped me to realize a lot about myself and taught me how to focus on me and not someone who is possibly destroying their own life!
Hang in there we are here for you! Glad that you came
As Janitw stated please check out some of the stickies at the top of the forum-a lot of great stuff there! There are a list of books too that you may find helpful.
This is a difficult disease for all involved-Just like someone who is not drinking we cannot control of fix them! Everyone has choices to make and no matter how much you nag at them they will only do what is right for them in the end. It is up to them not us to make the right choice for themselves, although we may not agree with it.
It is hard to watch the addicts do what they are doing to themselves however in my experience they will only stop when they are ready to stop-When they see that there life is spinning out of control. Some sadly may never see this.
Al-Anon as Janit stated maybe something to go and try-Sit and listen-it helped me to realize a lot about myself and taught me how to focus on me and not someone who is possibly destroying their own life!
Hang in there we are here for you! Glad that you came
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey Sweetnitanitro!
Just wanted to say hello, I am also in UK! Its great to see more Brits moving in, so to speak!
As the folks here have already said, your talking to him or his family about him will probably not do any good.
I'd think that his family probably already know how bad his drinking is. It is not hard to notice with loved ones. I hope your 'intervention' goes well, but I feel that you may only cause a rift between you and he will no doubt resent you for ''butting in''.
A's rarely want help from outside. They will drink and drink until it makes them ill, and then will probably drink some more. My exabf's mother drank herself to death, and I had a bf years ago who would wake up vomiting, but you know, he'd be fine if he could force down a can or two to settle his stomach! This really is a baffling disease.
Keep reading and posting, the best thing you can do for your friend is probably nothing. Tell him how you feel about his drinking, tell him you don't want to see him when he's drunk. Perhaps when he begins to lose people in his life, he may reach his bottom.
Welcome again
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just wanted to say hello, I am also in UK! Its great to see more Brits moving in, so to speak!
As the folks here have already said, your talking to him or his family about him will probably not do any good.
I'd think that his family probably already know how bad his drinking is. It is not hard to notice with loved ones. I hope your 'intervention' goes well, but I feel that you may only cause a rift between you and he will no doubt resent you for ''butting in''.
A's rarely want help from outside. They will drink and drink until it makes them ill, and then will probably drink some more. My exabf's mother drank herself to death, and I had a bf years ago who would wake up vomiting, but you know, he'd be fine if he could force down a can or two to settle his stomach! This really is a baffling disease.
Keep reading and posting, the best thing you can do for your friend is probably nothing. Tell him how you feel about his drinking, tell him you don't want to see him when he's drunk. Perhaps when he begins to lose people in his life, he may reach his bottom.
Welcome again
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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