I need to know where you all get your strength from

Old 05-20-2008, 01:00 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I need to know where you all get your strength from

Hi Everyone, it's me again. Stupid me that sold her soul to the devil. I know, you are all thinking that I am the biggest fool around, serenity and being away from the chaos is more important than money, that this is what I asked for so just deal with it (and I am to the best of my ability). But what I need to know is where you all get your strength from to leave and leave sometimes pennyless and screwed over and still be happy.
You see, a while back I made the decision to stay with my AH as we had the house on the market, no takers, except if we would walk away with hardly any money, AH owes me money out of my inheritance that I put into the house (and stupidly did not write "loan to house" on checks), I paid off his truck with the promise of getting it back once he got his settlement, all this to the tune of about $30,000. He has still not gotten his settlement, so no money there, and we all know that an active A will fight you tooth and nail to screw you, so I wouldn't get any of that promised money. Also, 6 weeks ago, our dr. told him if he continued to drink, he would be dead in 6 mos. to a year, but then again, how does that dr. know.
This morning I was outside having coffee and it came to me, that I worked hard my whole life to have a loving family, nice home, nice car, etc. Nothing extravagant, just nice (which is what I have). Now I will lose it all to an A, and I can't seem to get passed that. But in the next thought, I realized that is what is meant by selling my soul to the devil. I'm thinking monetary things, and living in hell because of it. I want to break free of this bondage, and no matter how many meetings I go to, no matter how many spiritual books I read, I can't let go of this.
My son said to me this morning that the only hope for my AH is death, he will never be sober, so let's hope he goes quick. I told him that I was also thinking that when he dies, I will not grieve him as the man I loved and was in love with died a long time ago of alcoholism, and what's left is only a shell of a man, a pathetic, sad man, one who I don't care to know or care about.
I am not a money grubbing person by any means, I am truly not, never prayed or wished for money, don't really care about it, I just keep thinking that if I divorce him and he dies, I will never get my fair share. Yet, I am so depressed living in this hell, that anywhere is better than my own home, and I hate waking up every day wishing that today was the day he died.
To top it all off, AH calls me today telling me he was passed over for promotion (drunk at work ALL THE TIME!!!) and his boss asked him if he brings his bad homelife to work (must have been the conversation about drinking). So AH is blaming all his work problems on his bad homelife (we don't even talk at home, unless he tries to start something, then I ignore and walk away). Living w/an A is the absolute hardest thing to do in life and I see no end in sight.
I think I'm the only person who's been at SR for about 2 years that's still w/their A. What's wrong with me????? Thanks for listening to my vent and any ideas you may have on how to get passed this is appreciated.
queenteree is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:13 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
There is nothing wrong with you. You have made choices on your path that were right for you at the time. Perhaps now you are ready for different choices. Isn't that the way life is? Things change, perceptions change, needs change. And we adapt and change ourselves as thing unfold.

I found the strength to leave my AH through thoughtful prayer and rational "talks" with myself. I have been ruthlessly honest with myself about what I have done, why I did what I did, and some of the whys of my choices. I reaquired my inner peace and strength.

Over time I came to the conclusion that the marriage was already dead and I was not willing to throw away any more time or energy on that dead relationship or in trying to change a man who cannot admit to his alcoholism.

Since I left, I came to accept that any financial difficulties that come out of that marriage are a price I may pay for having made a poor choice and accept it as just the way it may end up. Our house may sell before foreclosure but more likely I'll end up losing any money I had in it and end up with a major blot on my credit record. Such is life. I will recover from the financial hit.

I think a great deal of my strength comes from seeing the progress I have made. I started feeling the peace almost immediately after leaving. That helped immensely.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:16 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Two things from your post...

You sold your soul and you want to know where my strength comes from.

I have a problem.
I can't control the problem.
Help Me Lord.

and by His strength I get through anything and everything.

As for the selling of your soul... Jesus will buy it back for you if you ask of Him.

So the answer to both is the same... Look up and ask God.

and...:praying till the cows come home helps as well.
best is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:18 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
One other thing. Truely letting go of my concerns for my AH and handing it all off to God was a big step in moving forward.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:19 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, this is going to sound crazy to some, but I get my strength from knowing that everything in life is temporary. Relationships, houses, cars, material things, can all be gone at any time. You could lose those things in a divorce, or you could lose them to a fire, flood, medical disaster, anything. If "things" are all that make life good, then you live in constant fear of losing them.

I'm not saying I don't want things, because I do. I happen to have a nice home and a nice car and a pretty well-paying job at the moment. But, deep down I know that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. And what's more, I'm okay with that. How? Because I trust that life will bring me exactly what I need at any time. Run through the "worst case scenario." For me, right now, that would be losing my job. If that happened, I wouldn't be able to afford my mortgage and would have to sell my house. In this market, I would be lucky to get what I owe on it, so buying another would be a long shot. I would probably have to rent, might have to sell my car and get a cheaper one. I could probably get another job, but in this area chances of making what I make now are slim to none. So, I would either have to settle for a lot less, or move. Neither option sounds appealing, but at the same time, I know I would survive. I also know that there is a chance that when something life-changing happens, it can be a great opportunity. I could re-invent myself. Maybe start a business or get into an entirely different field that is more in line with my creative self. Who knows?

By clinging to and fearing losing what I have, I create suffering and misery. By accepting that everything in this life is temporary, I let go of the fear and live each and every moment to the fullest. That's what living is all about.

Oh, and see Thoreau quote below.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:31 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
 
Rella927's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by best View Post
Two things from your post...

You sold your soul and you want to know where my strength comes from.

I have a problem.
I can't control the problem.
Help Me Lord.

and by His strength I get through anything and everything.

As for the selling of your soul... Jesus will buy it back for you if you ask of Him.

So the answer to both is the same... Look up and ask God.

and...:praying till the cows come home helps as well.

Best this brought tears to my eyes!

Barb's post was on the money too!


Queen there is nothing wrong with you by any means! It takes time my friend....time...

When I first started walking my journey I was not allowing my HP to guide me at all! I had that "I can do this by myself no one can help me codie attitude" today I let him take care of the things I cannot control-it has made life easier.

We do make our own choices what we think is best for us at that time (*clap* Barb) however it is when we get to the point where we have had enough of making the same choices and nothing is working that we will decide other choices which are or will be right for us. As we recover we become more aware of these choices!

It took me a looooooooooooooong time to start making wiser choices-I was numb and did not want to be alone. Today I rather be alone and happy than be with someone and feel numb and alone! (Cliche I know) "Progress not perfection"

My HP,Al-Anon, SR, counseling and ME being aware of what I want and where I want to go has been a great source of strength. I know that I do not want to waste anymore of my precious time on chaos and drama-and being aware of this today is HUGE!

Sometimes I sit and relax alone....in a quiet place-my car, my back yard, even the bathroom! :rof and I breathe....I know when something is wrong I still have that need to fix it however today if it is going to waste my time and still nothing changes I have to let go-

It takes time queen-please do not beat yourself up! I drove pass my XABF the other night he was out front of a resturant with his son-I cried at first because I miss the fun we had and then I realized I do not miss the chaos!

One baby step at a time!
Rella927 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:36 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Acting not reacting
 
elizabeth1979's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Ah, try not to beat yourself up about this!
It happens, I've done it a million times!

I think I'm the only person who's been at SR for about 2 years that's still w/their A
not true. Not even close.

Sometimes, staying and listening to 'how horrible I was to him' was easier than trying to believe otherwise. Letting go of him was as hard as grabbing onto myself.

Hugs
elizabeth1979 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:43 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
NeedHappiness's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
"It took me a looooooooooooooong time to start making wiser choices-I was numb and did not want to be alone. Today I rather be alone and happy than be with some and feel numb and alone! "
Rella, thank you for this post. I also do not want to be alone and that is what has held me back. I enjoy and used to find peace knowing that someone will be home when I get there, although that feeling has drastically changed as I find my only peace is when I am at work. I used to live for the weekends, now....I can't wait for Monday morning.......

I am hoping to pull strength from people like you, who have the same feelings and "trying to fix" attitude that I have myself. It is nice to hear that you are feeling better now that you aren't living in the middle of the chaos. I hope to gain the strength to do the sdame for myself soon. thank you
NeedHappiness is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:54 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness View Post
"I enjoy and used to find peace knowing that someone will be home when I get there, although that feeling has drastically changed as I find my only peace is when I am at work. I used to live for the weekends, now....I can't wait for Monday morning.......
That is so "me" too! And it's not like I like my job that much! It's sad and depressing.
queenteree is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 02:11 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
peaceteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It is definitely a very difficult decision to divorce your spouse. You will know when the time is right. Unfortunately, it usually comes when you are almost as gone as your A. We must make that decision based on our own time-frame and our own experiences. But I will say that I truly LOVE coming home from work now to my peaceful, serene, all-about-me house. I have worked my way through the being alone part, and find myself interesting enough for good company most days and nights
peaceteach is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 02:28 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I stayed too long in a relationship too. 13 years. always broke and unable to work full time due to disability. The A had no physical limitations but usually was out of a job or spent all his money on "fun"
I was convinced that I would never make it on my own. I fought and fought and held onto the relationship because I loved him (?) and I was afraid of ending up on the street.

During those years i learned how to make due with pretty much nothing. He ended up walking out on me. I went so far into debt I will never get out but I didnt have to do that. I was a mess and did not care. Now I realize that learning how to live off so little primed me for being on my own.

I have nothing extravagant, nothing worth any real money, no savings, no anything. I do have a roof over my head and a bed i can sleep in any way I want to. Nobody telling me I am stupid and crazy and no scary drunk guy telling me I'm not good enough.

Sometimes I look back on all I did for "US" and get angry but more and more I look back and see that it was all for a reason. He was never going to "take care of me". And nobody will now. I have only myself and compared to some of the situations I have had to endure, coming home to my animals and watching whatever I want on tv, eating what i want for meals and having any art work I want on the walls is awesome!
It was not and is not easy but I swear if you get away from him I promise things will look better. It won't be over night but it can happen. You aren't stupid either. You are in the same place as alot of us are, were, or will be.
If I dont keep coming here it is very easy to forget what I have learned. I think when my A left he wanted me to curl up and die. I did fall apart and actually just recently pulled out of a very long and frightening depression. Coming to SR has helped me more than anything...even counseling because I can come here whenever I want. Oh yeah and its FREE!

I just bought "codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Addicted- Notes From the Belly of The Beast". The first book for the obvious reason that I am a codependent probably from birth and the second because it helps me to understand what addicts go through and how we really can't change them. The Second book is personal accounts of addicts and how they acted, how hey got sober etc. I like it.

I would suggest The first book and also googling codependency.

I always knew I was a codie but never really knew how hardcore it was. All I can say is if your gut tells you something please listen. Mine was always trying to tell me and I ignored it though I would not be here typing this and feeling like I might have a chance at a better life If I had not gone through what I did.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger...I never would have believed that but I do now! Hang in there and dont worry about monetary things. you are right about selling your soul to the devil. I never thought of it that way but it really hit me. Thanks

I hope this makes sense and helps some.
loner1968 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 02:30 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
PS You will probably NEVER see the $ he owes you so don't wait for it. I did that too. I don't recommend it.
loner1968 is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 04:07 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You will leave when you are ready, and not one second before. Same with all of us.

If you are hanging on so that you can get your money back, I would echo loner's warning. And also point out that if he loses his job, THEN has a major medical episode, being married to him will put you in debt far more than thirty large. Staying is no guarantee that you are going to be better off financially. For me, leaving was the key to financial stability, even though he owed me thousands. I'm now ten times better off than he will ever be...never would've happened if I hadn't turned my back on a vague possibility of repayment.

If you're hanging on for another reason, well, see "you'll leave when you're ready" above. I wish you peace, teree
GiveLove is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 04:16 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Fear of the financial repercussions of leaving the A kept me paralyzed for years too. My AH was irresponsible with money but I did manage to keep him putting money into his 401k (he was constantly trying to stop contributing and wanted to empty it!) and about 5-6 years ago made it clear to him that I would not allow him to accumulate any debt (would not co-sign or pay CC's he ran up).

I was still faced with several serious issues, he would take voluntary layoff so he made a lot less income than I did (some years only 1/3 rd of what I made!). How would I get the money to buy him out of the house? Am I going to have to pay him child support? Will he get alimony because he claims that he "stayed home to raise our son"?

Several things almost beyond my control changed all that. We decided to sell our house and move to a larger one, by the grace of god the mortgage company refused to put AH on the mortgage (his crappy credit). Then I found out something that he had been hiding from me, his pension had a considerable cash value. Finally he did not get laid off for a whole year (out of fear I think) so that proved that he was certainly capable of earning a decent living. All of this happened within a year.

I never could find serenity living with an A so I don't have any advice there.

In our divorce settlement, I didn't have to give him any money, no alimony and certainly no CS (I have physical custody).

You could just separate and give it 6 months and see what happens.
I never could find serenity living with an A so I don't have any good advice there.
hadenoughnow is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 05:21 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Make your own life as joyful, productive, rewarding, fun, and meaningful. Nurture great relationships friends/family. Do all this no matter what hubby is doing.

Start building the fabulous life that you want. Live in gratitude of all that is good in your life.

Then your decisions might be based on what you are moving toward rather than what you are moving away from.

Sorry you struggle. I have learned there is no right and wrong choices I've made.
When I know better, I do better.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 06:24 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta suburbs
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Well, this is going to sound crazy to some, but I get my strength from knowing that everything in life is temporary. Relationships, houses, cars, material things, can all be gone at any time. You could lose those things in a divorce, or you could lose them to a fire, flood, medical disaster, anything. If "things" are all that make life good, then you live in constant fear of losing them.

I'm not saying I don't want things, because I do. I happen to have a nice home and a nice car and a pretty well-paying job at the moment. But, deep down I know that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. And what's more, I'm okay with that. How? Because I trust that life will bring me exactly what I need at any time. Run through the "worst case scenario." For me, right now, that would be losing my job. If that happened, I wouldn't be able to afford my mortgage and would have to sell my house. In this market, I would be lucky to get what I owe on it, so buying another would be a long shot. I would probably have to rent, might have to sell my car and get a cheaper one. I could probably get another job, but in this area chances of making what I make now are slim to none. So, I would either have to settle for a lot less, or move. Neither option sounds appealing, but at the same time, I know I would survive. I also know that there is a chance that when something life-changing happens, it can be a great opportunity. I could re-invent myself. Maybe start a business or get into an entirely different field that is more in line with my creative self. Who knows?

By clinging to and fearing losing what I have, I create suffering and misery. By accepting that everything in this life is temporary, I let go of the fear and live each and every moment to the fullest. That's what living is all about.

Oh, and see Thoreau quote below.

L

Wow, very profound, LaTeeDa. This is one of the most wise observations I've read in this forum. I'm not a very religious guy but I've been doing some research lately into world religions and your point of view comes close to what the Buddhists espouse - that "things" cause us suffering, and the more attachments we have to "things", the less happy/serene/etc. we will be.

It's taken me into my early 50's to realize this, though I"ve sort of suspected it all along. Thanks for the wisdom and the reminder.

Larry
LarryATL is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 06:25 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
You will leave when you are ready, and not one second before. Same with all of us.
Or he will leave (one way or another)..........

I guess God did for me what I could not do for myself....exAH left our home and then a few years later,divorced me. I'm still coming to terms with it,so please do not beat yourself up over thinking you are "the only one".

Sorry you are struggling.....I guess it takes what it takes. Fortunately, I have a very patient and loving HP (God) that doesn't seem to mind a bit. He's still here with me.

(fwiw,I understand the financial thoughts. HE is still functioning at work (up until recently when he sold his business,he was the boss) but I have not been employed (for pay) for 26yrs. At 54yrs.I may get a job,but a "career" seems a bit unlikely. But then again, who knew that I would find myself in THIS situation?!)

hugs to you
Pick-a-name is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 07:10 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
My A and I separated 8 months ago and I have lost just about all my "things"(2 yr old home,1 yr old vehicle, his so far refusal to pay child support or spousal support, I am on SSD etc.. BUT I gained me back....that is priceless.
I have had people say.. why didn't you plan better so you were not facing possibly homelessness, on welfare etc... my response is simply..one minute, hour or day more was too costly of my sanity. I finally knew "I "was worth more.
aspiring is offline  
Old 05-20-2008, 09:48 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When the pain of being with them becomes greater than the fear of leaving them and losing everything, that's when the strength kicks in.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 05-21-2008, 12:37 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
When I read Tina Turner's autobiography some years ago, I was amazed at what she had when she walked away. Ike (her ex/dope addict husband) was hitting her in the limo as they were on their way to a hotel. She fought back - finally. She jumped out of the limo with only her purse. She had $20. She ran to the nearest hotel, told the front desk clerk she was Tina Turner, got a room for the night .... and things certainly turned around for her after she freed herself from Ike.

Six months ago, I sold my wedding ring set for $600 to a pawn broker. That set was appraised at a LOT OF MONEY. Hey, AH could go off the deep end when I leave, the house could end up in foreclosure ... who knows? None of this bothers me anymore. Heck, I don't care if I work until I drop dead just to survive. I am going to die, just like every single person on this board. And I ain't taking one doggone thing with me that I have acquired in this world when I go. Yeah, I miss my rings at times - they were pretty impressive and had lots of "bling." But they're not going with me!

I don't tell anyone here what to believe or not to believe. That is a personal decision each individual must make. I put my trust in God. As a Christian, I don't much care what I have or don't have. I figure I've always had food in my stomach and a roof over my head. I've been down lots of times, but I have NEVER been out .... and I've never gone without adequate housing, and the necessities of life.

God has NEVER welched on his promises. I'm commanded not to worry about what I shall wear or what I shall eat. It will be provided somehow. As far as I am personally concerned, what I lack in this life will be more than made up for in the next. Brings to mind the song I sang when I was pre-kindergarten, "Jesus loves me this I know, 'cause the Bible tells me so ..." JMO, mind you - I'm not here to tell people what spiritual path to follow. I'm just telling you what has gotten me through a lot of garbage ...
prodigal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:25 AM.