Whew - I'm tired...

Old 05-20-2008, 07:54 AM
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Whew - I'm tired...

Ok some of ya'll know about my NAW and that we've separated for a time to get through all of the codependency issues and for her to start into her recovery process. . . again. This past weekend, she had to go to the hospital because her legs swollen up so bad from edema, that her toes were purple. She begged her mother to take her, she wouldn’t, so she called an ambulance, they got her there and freaked out about her legs and the massive edema. Now jump to Monday, the docs say that her liver is bad, they compared the damage to a person who has been drinking high grade alcohol constantly for 10 years 24hrs a day. (Personally I can’t see how they can make that comparison, bodies are different but that’s just me) and my NAW doesn't drink, her DOC is crack, and Hydrocodone. So, they put my wife on a list for a liver transplant. Today they are checking the liver for cancer, extent of the damage, and any other problems. They are also checking out a theory of mine (after harping on them for about 2 hrs straight) about her falling asleep at moments. It’s like narcolepsy, but not as sudden. I’m thinking (And I have some medical education, but quit because of my heroin addiction) she’s having seizures, so they are going to check out her brain as well today. In the middle of all this is my MIL, who LOVES to control everything she can get her hands on, but not her own life. Well my MIL is telling me that I need to quit my job, and , her exact words “Keep an eye on your wife, and keep her in check!”. Basically my MIL wants me to quit my job, and stay with my NAW at the hospital 24/7 and make sure that she stays put. I asked my higher power about it, SHE tells me that if my NAW is going to leave the hospital to use crack, then that’s her decision, and I can’t stop that from happening no matter what. My NAW and I talked about it, and we both agreed I didn’t need to be her warden, prison guard, mother / father, and babysitter, we also realized that part of the codependency problems in our lives, is from my MIL (my NAW’s Wife) the other part is ours to own, and we're owning it.

Well it seems that my life got a little stranger than usual. My NAW was telling me that she understands if I can’t be there 24/7, and I told her I wasn’t going to be there 24/7. I feel stuck though, I want to be there, well not 24/7, and I don’t want to take control of her convalescence or her medication, and she expressed that she didn’t want me to take control of her situation, she said she this is her problem, she’s an adult, she knows what’s going on, but she wouldn’t mind a hug every now and then, or to see me or hear my voice when she’s’ scared. I’m in a hard place right now. When will this drama end???? I keep on telling my self, "It can't rain everyday"

:praying
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Old 05-20-2008, 08:01 AM
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sheez, you got alot goin on don't cha!!!!!

I'm sorry things are so hectic for you, I really am, I can't imagine trying to work my recovery, take care of kids, a spouse with such medical problems and to top it all off a MIL from he//.

I know you can work through it all though, your post are very inspiring to me and others.
No, it can't rain everyday and in your near future I see a gorgeous rainbow, because you know what needs to be done and you have it in you to do it.

I will keep you at the top of my thoughts list

Good luck and hang tough.
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Old 05-20-2008, 09:18 AM
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Wow, that is definitely a lot to deal with (hugs.)

The liver transplant situation sounds scary. Has she been clean for a while? I know they look at drug use in a potential repicient's past and if there is drug use in the last 6 weeks, they may bump them back to the bottom of the list again.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by ZombieWife View Post
Has she been clean for a while?
Shes been clean for 51 days... (good for her)
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:03 AM
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The drama may not end for years. It could be like a soap opera that runs for many many seasons, but you can turn off the TV when you need to.

Prayers for your continued sobriety and serenity.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:22 AM
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(((Mistercm)))

you really DO have a lot going on.

As far as the liver, since you have a little background, I'm sure that you know crack is really, really bad on the liver.

I can understand you not wanting to take on all the responsibility, and I'm glad your NAW is also taking responsibility.

You've been doing really well, and I have no doubt you will figure out what you're comfortable with. With me, it's usually trial and error. I'll try something, find myself slipping back into my codie ways, then try something else.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-20-2008, 02:01 PM
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eh

Well today is such a banner great day! The docs and their wonderful wisdom, has decided to let my NAW go home. Even tho here adema is bad, she can barely walk, AND her abdomen is swollen. So she calls me, I told her she can't stay with me and the kids, so she calls her "Mother" (if you want to call her that) and shes made all of these rules that her daughter must follow in order to live with her. My NAW calls me back and says, "Well, maybe I'd just be better living out in the streets whoring myself to survive" (Manipulation? ) so I told her I'd pay her a visit with some money every now and then. (Bad joke) ok so that was a little insensitive I know, but she has basicly told me that she wants me to take control of it all... I can't ! I barely control my life right now as it is, what makes her think i can control hers? So I have no idea where my NAW is going, I care, but I'm worried. Shes called a old friend of ours who is currently a meth addict, another who is popping pain pills like they're candy, another who drinks just to get through the day, oh and my favorate one, her ex-husband who verbally & sexually abused her when they were married. I see the train about to run off the track, down the chasom, and exploding into a ball of fire, and there is nothing, at all in the world that I can do anything about it. Now I know how my father feels. He saw me doing the same things when I was shooting up, when I lived with him, he knew I was out scoring one night he came to me and told me to go, live somewhere else, in a car, box, park where ever but not here. I lived in my car for almost a year. And one day, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to a place to help me sort it out. Got out. Relapsed, and went right back in and told them "I didn't get it right. I'm missed something" I hope she does the same, I hope she gets to the point where she has had enough.
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Old 05-20-2008, 02:21 PM
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I believe what you are doing is a very loving act, for yourself, for you addicted wife, and definitely for your children. Be brave and fearless, Mr. CM. You have walked this path and know its truth. Prayers of strength and serenity to ya, Mister
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Old 05-21-2008, 12:17 AM
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Wow, I just read all this. Your head must be spinning, but it sounds like your holding it together pretty well, and doing what you need to do. Good job Dad! You're sounding pretty sane considering all that's going on.

All the regulars here are much better with the wisdom, and more eloquent with the support than me, but I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and hoping tomorow is a better day.
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Old 05-21-2008, 03:45 AM
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Again, I think you're doing the right thing. You're taking care of you and the kids and that is enough.

I do hope that she is able to find her way to a better place. You know, as well as I do, that we RA's will move mountains to get recovery when we want it bad enough.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-23-2008, 08:27 AM
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Update : Hmmm. Kinda wondering

Well, Tuesday I get a call from my NAW, and she tells me that she is being "Kicked out" of the hospital. So, there we go; she would like me to talk to the doc and see what’s going on, since allegedly they won't tell her. (DRAMA) I called the doc and ask about her being released, the doc said that my NAW's liver is doing better, and they feel that she will be fine, they NOT "kicking her out" like she said, (of course recanted when it was mentioned). (MISTAKE ON MY PART) So now she wants me be her taxi cab, take a day off work, and drive her too all of these places, that the Doc said she doesn't need to go. I asked her how is she going to pay for all of these doc appointments, and she said to me "Well don't you have a stimulus check yet?) Well no I don't. Come to find out these weren't clinics that had to deal with her edema, liver, or Bi polar issues. These were *ahem* pain clinics. So she back on the track with the hydrocodone. I told her that I couldn't take a day off, I have non left, and that I didn't want to drive her all over Houston to hit pain clinics. Well I'm the bad guy AGAIN, and well I really don't care. I'm disappointed that she hasn't called about her children ever since we parted. She says they're so important to her but; she makes no effort on trying to see them, call them and talk to them, or even sends them a note or two letting them know she is thinking about them. Our daughters 4th birthday is coming up and I know she’s going to make a big dramatic moment about it. Our daughter is dreading to have her mother there. I wonder if the whole hospital thing was an attempt for her to get pain meds, while she was there she complained more about her back hurting than the edema or the pain in her stomach. I've done it; I broke three fingers by bashing my hand with a hammer, so I could get some pain meds at the ER.

Meanwhile my NAW is living with her mother at the church parsonage (SP?) And they are at each others throats constantly. I turn off the cell phone when they are together, because they will both be calling me constantly trying to get me to take care of them and their childish arguments. My NAW is not doing anything for her recovery or for her mental health. She knows she has calls to make, appointments to set, and she would rather me do it than her. Why should I take responsibility for it? I wish she would grow up!! This reminds me of "It’s the principle" argument we had about a month ago. I gave her money for a doc appointment, and she didn't go, so I asked for it back, but she wouldn't give it back to me, she said that she was keeping it because I didn't trust her. (MAKES NO SENSE, She used it for crack) Back then I didn't let it go, it kept on her and on her, trying to prove to myself and to her that "YES! YOU DID USE IF FOR CRACK! AAA HAAAA! I KNEW IT!!! “That never happened. And it made me so PO'D, the next day she gave me the cash back (all one dollar bills) and told me she kept it to prove she WASN'T using.

Where do I draw the line in actually helping her? I feel that every time she asks me for something I feel like I'm being manipulated into doing it. I'm not sure where that gray area is.
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Old 05-23-2008, 08:55 AM
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I find that if I just don't answer the phone, it helps immensely when dealing with my ex. He can leave me a message if he wants. If I choose too, I can always call him back later after I've had time to digest all the craziness in his message.
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Old 05-23-2008, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by mistercm View Post
So now she wants me be her taxi cab, take a day off work, and drive her too all of these places, that the Doc said she doesn't need to go....

Where do I draw the line in actually helping her?
I saved this quote I read here at SR:

"doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves is love, doing something for someone that they can and should do for themselves is enabling"

I'm taking liberties with that quote, but her attempting to do something she doesn't need to nor should, and asking you to help her with that definitely sounds like manipulation to me. She wants an enabler but please don't let it be you.
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