Married to a codependent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2
Married to a codependent
I'm not sure how well this request for knowledge will be received. The "power posts" made me confident that I was at the right support web site. My wife has been diagnosed by a therapist as codependent. Her father was an alcoholic. I guess he was a pretty rough character. Neither of us use drugs and we rarely drink.
We are, however, in marital counselling and each of us is in individual therapy. I don't want to go into details, but she did some things that nearly killed our marriage. I've admitted from the beginning that I played a role in our problems. We're working on it.
Please help me. I just don't understand codependence at a human level. I've read parts of two books on the topic (one was by Pia Melody, but I can't remember the name). I definately identified controlling behaviour in myself from reading these books. As a couple and as individuals, we have a lot of work to do.
Having read dozens of postings throughout this message board I've come to realize that many of her activities are those of an alcoholic (e.g., large sums of money disappear, lying when telling the truth would have been just as easy, really sneaky and self destructive behaviour). I've been terribly confused by all of this for years. I knew her father was an alcoholic (he died years before we met). I'd never heard of codependence before she started therapy. When I discovered the very worst of her dealings back in February I slipped into deep depression. That made me half crazy. Now I'm on an SSRI and I've calmed down. This morning she was bawling her eyes out because she's in therapy for codependence but I'm "only in therapy for [situational] depression." She says she feels so guilty about sending me into the dumps, the therapy, and the SSRI.
Why is she doing these things to me? Through the Fall and early Winter she was tearing our marriage to shreds and bad mouthing me/us to anyone who would listen. Now she wants to know why I don't have some long standing psychological problem! She says she's sad for causing my depression.
The big holdup now is that she doesn't want to explore her childhood. Her therapy seems to have stalled.
I'm on edge all day and my sleep is broken at night because of bad dreams. Both therapists have expressed real concern for my mental health, mostly because of the lack of sleep. I had to let my boss in on part of it because my output had slowed to a crawl. As luck would have it (well, sort of), he's been on antidepressants for half his life. He's been very understanding.
Several days ago I made up my mind to leave her. Then last night I must have had a dream about us. When I awoke I told myself that I've been letting "the little boy" drive the car. The man must be in charge, and so I'm staying with her. Yes, that's the marital counsellor's language. But I'm calling my own shots.
My wife is a wonderful woman. If you met her you'd never believe that she's capable of some of the things she's done. IF she can learn to control herself, I'll be the happiest man in the world. Unfortunately, that's a big "IF."
Please throw some hope my way. I can tough this out, roll with the punches, whatever you want to call it. But I need someone to tell me that it's worth the attempt. I've lost so much, much more than the money. I can't go through this again in ten more years.
Thanks,
Terry
We are, however, in marital counselling and each of us is in individual therapy. I don't want to go into details, but she did some things that nearly killed our marriage. I've admitted from the beginning that I played a role in our problems. We're working on it.
Please help me. I just don't understand codependence at a human level. I've read parts of two books on the topic (one was by Pia Melody, but I can't remember the name). I definately identified controlling behaviour in myself from reading these books. As a couple and as individuals, we have a lot of work to do.
Having read dozens of postings throughout this message board I've come to realize that many of her activities are those of an alcoholic (e.g., large sums of money disappear, lying when telling the truth would have been just as easy, really sneaky and self destructive behaviour). I've been terribly confused by all of this for years. I knew her father was an alcoholic (he died years before we met). I'd never heard of codependence before she started therapy. When I discovered the very worst of her dealings back in February I slipped into deep depression. That made me half crazy. Now I'm on an SSRI and I've calmed down. This morning she was bawling her eyes out because she's in therapy for codependence but I'm "only in therapy for [situational] depression." She says she feels so guilty about sending me into the dumps, the therapy, and the SSRI.
Why is she doing these things to me? Through the Fall and early Winter she was tearing our marriage to shreds and bad mouthing me/us to anyone who would listen. Now she wants to know why I don't have some long standing psychological problem! She says she's sad for causing my depression.
The big holdup now is that she doesn't want to explore her childhood. Her therapy seems to have stalled.
I'm on edge all day and my sleep is broken at night because of bad dreams. Both therapists have expressed real concern for my mental health, mostly because of the lack of sleep. I had to let my boss in on part of it because my output had slowed to a crawl. As luck would have it (well, sort of), he's been on antidepressants for half his life. He's been very understanding.
Several days ago I made up my mind to leave her. Then last night I must have had a dream about us. When I awoke I told myself that I've been letting "the little boy" drive the car. The man must be in charge, and so I'm staying with her. Yes, that's the marital counsellor's language. But I'm calling my own shots.
My wife is a wonderful woman. If you met her you'd never believe that she's capable of some of the things she's done. IF she can learn to control herself, I'll be the happiest man in the world. Unfortunately, that's a big "IF."
Please throw some hope my way. I can tough this out, roll with the punches, whatever you want to call it. But I need someone to tell me that it's worth the attempt. I've lost so much, much more than the money. I can't go through this again in ten more years.
Thanks,
Terry
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
Welcome to the forums Terry and thank you for your post.
Codependency is not something that can be easily described but it's effect on a marriage can be devastating.
"Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody is actually a very good book to help with understanding codependency and I am glad you are reading it.
I am in treatment for my own codependency and I find childhood issues are especially difficult to look it.Co dependent people who are unwilling to look at their childhood issues should not be forced to do so.It took me many years in recovery to get to that point where I am willing to address these things.
My spouse is also a codependent and sometimes behaves in ways that extremely hurtful towards me.Although my spouse is in treatment I would be making a very big mistake if I would try and tell my spouse how to recover.
As I grow in recovery I am learning more and more about myself and what I will or will not accept from people in my life.
Although I love my spouse very much,I know that I will one day have to move on if we cannot stop ourselves from hurting each other.
There is still a lot about codependency I do not understand,but I do know that my codependency evolved from growing up in a dysfunctional family.
One important thing I am learning about codependency is that my behaviour affects other people around me.
Most of the times my controlling behavior was done out of love but it was in fact only pushing the people I loved further and further away.
As I said codependency is not something that can be easily explained but Melody Beattie also wrote a book called "Codependent no More" which explained codependence in a very basic way that many people have been able to understand.
Learning more comes slowly over time and many relationships have been known to recover from serious codependency issues.
My wish is that one day I will be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with my spouse or at least be able to find the courage to move on if things dont work out.
I will only be able to do that when I seriously address my own codependency issues.
Codependency is not something that can be easily described but it's effect on a marriage can be devastating.
"Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody is actually a very good book to help with understanding codependency and I am glad you are reading it.
I am in treatment for my own codependency and I find childhood issues are especially difficult to look it.Co dependent people who are unwilling to look at their childhood issues should not be forced to do so.It took me many years in recovery to get to that point where I am willing to address these things.
My spouse is also a codependent and sometimes behaves in ways that extremely hurtful towards me.Although my spouse is in treatment I would be making a very big mistake if I would try and tell my spouse how to recover.
As I grow in recovery I am learning more and more about myself and what I will or will not accept from people in my life.
Although I love my spouse very much,I know that I will one day have to move on if we cannot stop ourselves from hurting each other.
There is still a lot about codependency I do not understand,but I do know that my codependency evolved from growing up in a dysfunctional family.
One important thing I am learning about codependency is that my behaviour affects other people around me.
Most of the times my controlling behavior was done out of love but it was in fact only pushing the people I loved further and further away.
As I said codependency is not something that can be easily explained but Melody Beattie also wrote a book called "Codependent no More" which explained codependence in a very basic way that many people have been able to understand.
Learning more comes slowly over time and many relationships have been known to recover from serious codependency issues.
My wish is that one day I will be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with my spouse or at least be able to find the courage to move on if things dont work out.
I will only be able to do that when I seriously address my own codependency issues.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Terry,
I'm just going to start writing and hopefully some of what comes out will make sense.
I'm a big-time codependent. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and my husband is a recovering addict. We've been married 3 years and his using and my codependency nearly destroyed our marriage. I've been in therapy for two years and I wasn't "diagnosed" with my codependency until a year ago. It took that long for me to really trust my therapist and start opening up about my childhood. Up until then I'd been this controlling lunatic. I demanded to know where my husband was at all times, what he was up to, who he was seeing, when he was coming home. And if he was 5 minutes late there was hell to pay! I've been extremely insecure and jealous, and his using only made things worse.
When my therapist clued me in on my controlling behavior, I was shocked. I was completely in denial that my behavior was so out of control. When I read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" it was an eye opener. I really had absolutely no idea that I was so controlling - no idea at all. But once I became aware of my behavior, thoughts, and actions, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Because even though I knew something in my life was wrong, I had no idea that it was me or that I could do anything about it.
My husband was also ready to leave me and it was at the beginning of my codependent recovery. I've been this way all my life and changing wasn't something that happened overnight. But over the past year I have made progress. I'm no longer that controlling lunatic. But it took a lot of work and a lot of digging. I've dealt with a lot of anger and resentment and had to go through a lot of icky stuff before I could make some progress. And I still have a lot more work to do. But I'm a lot happier and my marriage is so much better.
If you guys both work at it, things can and do get better.
Take care and come back soon.
Hugs,
JG
I'm just going to start writing and hopefully some of what comes out will make sense.
I'm a big-time codependent. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and my husband is a recovering addict. We've been married 3 years and his using and my codependency nearly destroyed our marriage. I've been in therapy for two years and I wasn't "diagnosed" with my codependency until a year ago. It took that long for me to really trust my therapist and start opening up about my childhood. Up until then I'd been this controlling lunatic. I demanded to know where my husband was at all times, what he was up to, who he was seeing, when he was coming home. And if he was 5 minutes late there was hell to pay! I've been extremely insecure and jealous, and his using only made things worse.
When my therapist clued me in on my controlling behavior, I was shocked. I was completely in denial that my behavior was so out of control. When I read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" it was an eye opener. I really had absolutely no idea that I was so controlling - no idea at all. But once I became aware of my behavior, thoughts, and actions, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Because even though I knew something in my life was wrong, I had no idea that it was me or that I could do anything about it.
My husband was also ready to leave me and it was at the beginning of my codependent recovery. I've been this way all my life and changing wasn't something that happened overnight. But over the past year I have made progress. I'm no longer that controlling lunatic. But it took a lot of work and a lot of digging. I've dealt with a lot of anger and resentment and had to go through a lot of icky stuff before I could make some progress. And I still have a lot more work to do. But I'm a lot happier and my marriage is so much better.
If you guys both work at it, things can and do get better.
Take care and come back soon.
Hugs,
JG
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hey Terry--
I don't know what I could tell you that would be any more help than what the others have said. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and only recently recognized codependent behaviors in myself. I recently got engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world who is willing to help me through any problems that may occur as a result of my upbringing.
I think that patience and understanding are going to be the most helpful things in getting you through this. Remember, you can get through this and you will! It just might take awhile, but hang on. You describe your wife as though you love her, so hold on to that.
Oh, and definetely read "Codependent No More". It makes things a little more clear.
I'll pray for you.
--Ångel
I don't know what I could tell you that would be any more help than what the others have said. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and only recently recognized codependent behaviors in myself. I recently got engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world who is willing to help me through any problems that may occur as a result of my upbringing.
I think that patience and understanding are going to be the most helpful things in getting you through this. Remember, you can get through this and you will! It just might take awhile, but hang on. You describe your wife as though you love her, so hold on to that.
Oh, and definetely read "Codependent No More". It makes things a little more clear.
I'll pray for you.
--Ångel
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Bikeback,
Like Journey I am just going to write and hope it makes sense.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic/codependent marriage and as a result of that I learned dysfuntional ways of living. I never felt like in "fit" in a group or within a relationship. I have been married to 2 alcoholics and my son is one as well. Things hit a head when my son started acting out and that is when I went to Alanon. My very first really startling realization was MY part in the drama that was my life. I wasn't a victim, I was part of the problem.
Could that be where your wife is right now? You say she is ashamed? Believe her.
I must say that I was mortified and shocked and tramatized by that knowledge and it took me some time to get on my feet again. For me that was a beginning...albeit a painful beginning.
And let me add...you need to take care of yourself and allow her to move through her recovery at her own pace.
Hugs,
JT
Like Journey I am just going to write and hope it makes sense.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic/codependent marriage and as a result of that I learned dysfuntional ways of living. I never felt like in "fit" in a group or within a relationship. I have been married to 2 alcoholics and my son is one as well. Things hit a head when my son started acting out and that is when I went to Alanon. My very first really startling realization was MY part in the drama that was my life. I wasn't a victim, I was part of the problem.
Could that be where your wife is right now? You say she is ashamed? Believe her.
I must say that I was mortified and shocked and tramatized by that knowledge and it took me some time to get on my feet again. For me that was a beginning...albeit a painful beginning.
And let me add...you need to take care of yourself and allow her to move through her recovery at her own pace.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2
Thanks to all for your replies. They've been helpful these past few days. The other day our marital cousellor pretty much refused to focus on codependence. I'm not sure what his story is, but maybe he's taken us as far as he's able. It might be time for a fresh face.
Thanks again,
Terry
Thanks again,
Terry
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: richmond va
Posts: 1
just wondering
Hi I hope I'm not intruding. I was reading your blog and it is remarkably close to what my life is going through right now. I was wanting to know how your relationship was doing and if your wife was still recovering. I do realize that this is almost 10 years later.
I'm trying to understand the codependent thing also. My wife and I are not addicts and we don't drink much ether. So like I said we have very close stories. I hope you are well and life is better.
Take care,
Wishing...
I'm trying to understand the codependent thing also. My wife and I are not addicts and we don't drink much ether. So like I said we have very close stories. I hope you are well and life is better.
Take care,
Wishing...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Hi Terry,
I think at some time marriage does reach a cross-roads- and it does have to be re-invented... I think it best to give it your best shot- because so many people quit these days. And as my old mum would have said- 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'.
If this all happens over middle age it can really be 'double-whammy'.
I don't live in the USA and so don't really have access to therapy and such. I have done a lot of 'trial and error. So I guess my solutions are personal and practical. But by the grace of >whatever< I have bin there, done that and still am in a marriage of 30 years.
Talking about the bigger and wider issues is helpful here... resetting goals. Getting to know different sides to people.
I found Melody Beattie to be much more accessible on codependency than Pia Melody. But in my opinion there is no substitute for what we call ESH- experience strength and hope.... You will get a fair mesure of it here.
DavidG
New Zealand.
I think at some time marriage does reach a cross-roads- and it does have to be re-invented... I think it best to give it your best shot- because so many people quit these days. And as my old mum would have said- 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'.
If this all happens over middle age it can really be 'double-whammy'.
I don't live in the USA and so don't really have access to therapy and such. I have done a lot of 'trial and error. So I guess my solutions are personal and practical. But by the grace of >whatever< I have bin there, done that and still am in a marriage of 30 years.
Talking about the bigger and wider issues is helpful here... resetting goals. Getting to know different sides to people.
I found Melody Beattie to be much more accessible on codependency than Pia Melody. But in my opinion there is no substitute for what we call ESH- experience strength and hope.... You will get a fair mesure of it here.
DavidG
New Zealand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by DavidG 
Thanks Kailua,
This is still a good topic... and if 'Wishing', if you want to carry on the discussion I am more than willing to join you-
DavidG
This is still a good topic... and if 'Wishing', if you want to carry on the discussion I am more than willing to join you-
DavidG
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