deflection thing
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Lisa,
What codeine wife means is that when you tell your A that you think he has a problem with using drugs or alcohol, he will try to turn the blame around and put it on you. He will fight you on this and argue that he uses because you make him do it, or because of someone else or maybe his job, etc. He will say HE doesn't have a problem but YOU have a lot of problems. That is deflection. All addicts try it at first, so don't believe it. HE does have a problem, and YOU are getting tired of it. But don't let him confuse you into thinking that YOU are somehow causing his problem.
Another thing Lesa. After you read this answer, keep going down below my answer and see the blank box that says Quick Reply. This is where you put your response to questions and comments. You do not need to create a new post every time. Just type your next question in that blank box at the bottom (quick reply box) and then go down more and click the button that says "Post Quick Reply".
Hope this helps you
What codeine wife means is that when you tell your A that you think he has a problem with using drugs or alcohol, he will try to turn the blame around and put it on you. He will fight you on this and argue that he uses because you make him do it, or because of someone else or maybe his job, etc. He will say HE doesn't have a problem but YOU have a lot of problems. That is deflection. All addicts try it at first, so don't believe it. HE does have a problem, and YOU are getting tired of it. But don't let him confuse you into thinking that YOU are somehow causing his problem.
Another thing Lesa. After you read this answer, keep going down below my answer and see the blank box that says Quick Reply. This is where you put your response to questions and comments. You do not need to create a new post every time. Just type your next question in that blank box at the bottom (quick reply box) and then go down more and click the button that says "Post Quick Reply".
Hope this helps you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
You bring up something - i.e. your boundaries - well I have some of my own... next thing you know, you're discussing HIS boundaries, etc.
You're upset about X, well I don't like it when you do Y. So, next thing you know, you're discussing Y and never get back to X.
You say ABC he says, I know I'm a piece of S**T, no, I didn't say that, so you start reassuring him you would NEVER say that, why would he think that, etc.
These are my experiences anyway - well just a few. I think it was Itisatruth who mentioned after one of my posts that my AH seemed very good at deflection, so obviously even writing my situation it comes across very strong.
It goes on and on - when they get you off one topic onto something else, and usually about them, they're distracting you from what it is you want to do/say, etc. like boundaries.
You're upset about X, well I don't like it when you do Y. So, next thing you know, you're discussing Y and never get back to X.
You say ABC he says, I know I'm a piece of S**T, no, I didn't say that, so you start reassuring him you would NEVER say that, why would he think that, etc.
These are my experiences anyway - well just a few. I think it was Itisatruth who mentioned after one of my posts that my AH seemed very good at deflection, so obviously even writing my situation it comes across very strong.
It goes on and on - when they get you off one topic onto something else, and usually about them, they're distracting you from what it is you want to do/say, etc. like boundaries.
lesa
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: parkersburg wv
Posts: 157
oh i know he does that ,just wasnt sure what it was...try to talk to him and it is well do not acrt wired,you are the reson i do this,,,when i try he turns everything around to me...thank you so much with all the help in the last few days
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Lesa)))
Just try to stay focused. Part of "our" problem is, when they bring up whatever, we're willing to discuss it and that's how we get off track, or we're willing to look at their side or whatever.
I don't know if it will help but these two things have helped me:
Confusion (any kind, even if it seems like it isn't part of whatever - if my face scrunches up in that what are you talking about for ANYTHING - even if it's why is there a purple and green cake in the fridge) = lies/manipulation
Frustration (same thing as above) = I have NO control, let it go.
You're doing just fine! I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful and difficult on top of the situation with your sister.
Prayers to you and your family
Just try to stay focused. Part of "our" problem is, when they bring up whatever, we're willing to discuss it and that's how we get off track, or we're willing to look at their side or whatever.
I don't know if it will help but these two things have helped me:
Confusion (any kind, even if it seems like it isn't part of whatever - if my face scrunches up in that what are you talking about for ANYTHING - even if it's why is there a purple and green cake in the fridge) = lies/manipulation
Frustration (same thing as above) = I have NO control, let it go.
You're doing just fine! I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very painful and difficult on top of the situation with your sister.
Prayers to you and your family
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