What do I tell my 7 year old kids about AH?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
What do I tell my 7 year old kids about AH?
Does anyone have any idea what I should tell my kids? I am at a complete loss. AH is supposedly going to look for a place to life this week.
They have no clue about AH's problems. They are 7 (ds and dd twins). I hope that my kids never have to know of my h's problems. Lately they have seen me so frustrated with him and mad at him all of the time. I felt so bad because AH got up yesterday to go with me to take the kids to their ball pictures. He was in no condition to go and I didn't want anyone seeing him in that state. DD was upset because "mommy wouldn't let him go."
How do I make them understand without telling them the reality. I'm just at a loss and never ever thought I would be dealing with this issue.
They have no clue about AH's problems. They are 7 (ds and dd twins). I hope that my kids never have to know of my h's problems. Lately they have seen me so frustrated with him and mad at him all of the time. I felt so bad because AH got up yesterday to go with me to take the kids to their ball pictures. He was in no condition to go and I didn't want anyone seeing him in that state. DD was upset because "mommy wouldn't let him go."
How do I make them understand without telling them the reality. I'm just at a loss and never ever thought I would be dealing with this issue.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Since I've never faced anything like this with my now adult children, take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Kids that young won't understand addiction. They do understand sickness, though. Kids are always having to stay at home and some even have to go to the hospital to get better. Maybe present it as the illness it is that he has to learn to manage by himself, because it's going to take all his energy. That none of you can help him and only specialists can?
If he ends up spiraling down even further and misses visitations, then you have his illness as an explanation.
My prayers are with you and I hope you find the words.
Kids that young won't understand addiction. They do understand sickness, though. Kids are always having to stay at home and some even have to go to the hospital to get better. Maybe present it as the illness it is that he has to learn to manage by himself, because it's going to take all his energy. That none of you can help him and only specialists can?
If he ends up spiraling down even further and misses visitations, then you have his illness as an explanation.
My prayers are with you and I hope you find the words.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Callie...
My heart goes out to you...I've been in your shoes.
I left my exah when our son was 5.
I didn't know what to tell him either.
I went to a counselor to ask about it and he suggested that I tell our son the truth. And I did. In kid-friendly terms. I explained addiction as an illness. I told him that people get better every day from addiction but they don't get better until they are ready to get better.
I told my son that his dad is a very good person and stressed that his addiction had nothing to do with him...I told him that I still loved his dad and prayed for him all the time but that for reasons he couldn't understand until he got older that his daddy had to live on his own until he decided to get better. I was very careful not to bad mouth my exah.
It was the most heart-wrenching discussion I have ever had to have.
My son is 9 now and he always tells me that he knows I will tell him the truth no matter what and he is right.
I think kids pick up on alot more than we realize..and I also think gentle honestly with love is the best policy. Having an addict for a parent undermines their trust...they have to know that they have one parent who will be honest with them. And, as my counselor explained, without this bit of information my son's life wouldn't have made any sense. He saw me leave his dad and he knew I loved his dad and without the truth, he might have blamed himself or made up some other explanation for why things were the way the were.
Anyway...that was my experience and how I dealt with it. Its not easy...you know your kids better than anyone...I'm sure you'll find the right thing to say...
Sending hugs from a mom who's been there.
My heart goes out to you...I've been in your shoes.
I left my exah when our son was 5.
I didn't know what to tell him either.
I went to a counselor to ask about it and he suggested that I tell our son the truth. And I did. In kid-friendly terms. I explained addiction as an illness. I told him that people get better every day from addiction but they don't get better until they are ready to get better.
I told my son that his dad is a very good person and stressed that his addiction had nothing to do with him...I told him that I still loved his dad and prayed for him all the time but that for reasons he couldn't understand until he got older that his daddy had to live on his own until he decided to get better. I was very careful not to bad mouth my exah.
It was the most heart-wrenching discussion I have ever had to have.
My son is 9 now and he always tells me that he knows I will tell him the truth no matter what and he is right.
I think kids pick up on alot more than we realize..and I also think gentle honestly with love is the best policy. Having an addict for a parent undermines their trust...they have to know that they have one parent who will be honest with them. And, as my counselor explained, without this bit of information my son's life wouldn't have made any sense. He saw me leave his dad and he knew I loved his dad and without the truth, he might have blamed himself or made up some other explanation for why things were the way the were.
Anyway...that was my experience and how I dealt with it. Its not easy...you know your kids better than anyone...I'm sure you'll find the right thing to say...
Sending hugs from a mom who's been there.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
Hi, Callie. I asked my AH to leave when dd was 8. I went the route of giving her lots of info about addiction and explaining what I expected to happen in our lives -- us staying in the house, dad living somewhere else, her spending time with dad if I believed she was safe, that dad may act odd, that I may act odd sometimes, that I was sad about it all, and that sometimes I was angry about it. We read some books together, and I've answered her questions when she asks them.
I feel strongly that it was the right approach for my dd. I think she had experienced the tension in the family without a context, which was confusing for her. She's pretty matter-of-fact about it now.
I'm also relieved that other than her dad being gone, everything else in her life has stayed stable. I encourage you to do the best you can in regard to that, too.
Lots of luck -- I think you'll be relieved at the feeling of calm once he's gone.
I feel strongly that it was the right approach for my dd. I think she had experienced the tension in the family without a context, which was confusing for her. She's pretty matter-of-fact about it now.
I'm also relieved that other than her dad being gone, everything else in her life has stayed stable. I encourage you to do the best you can in regard to that, too.
Lots of luck -- I think you'll be relieved at the feeling of calm once he's gone.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
My kids were older than yours, Callie, so I personally don't have the experience of telling younger children about separation/divorce. I might suggest talking with each one separately, though, in case they want to cry or ask questions. I remember my parents doing that with me when they divorced.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Hey Callie-
"I hope that my kids never have to know of my h's problems."
I understand where this sentiment comes from - we want to spare our children any possible pain-- but I'd have to say I really admire out on a limb and cautious's approach.
Even though my father eventually found sobriety/recovery when I was 15 - the damage to us 5 kids was deep and lasting. If just once in my childhood my mother had talked to me about the REALITY of what was going on she would have spared me so much more pain. It's gonna hurt no matter what - but you can spare your kids a world of confusion and heartache by calling it what it is: Addiction.
It's not like he's gonna miraculously clean up now that you are splitting so this will need to be a "living" & ongoing conversation, that can get more detailed as they mature. Start with the facts.
You don't ever want them feeling like there is something to hide or be ashamed of. Shame and secretiveness can become lifelong afflictions for children of A's to overcome. I mean, what a great "teachable moment." You owe it to them to be an example of honestly dealing rather than pretending it was "somethig else" that drove you and dad apart. Kids always do better with reality because otherwise they imagine much much worse things - it's true.
What you're doing is very healthy for you and your family! Share your ES&H with your kids!!
Good luck and peace,
B.
"I hope that my kids never have to know of my h's problems."
I understand where this sentiment comes from - we want to spare our children any possible pain-- but I'd have to say I really admire out on a limb and cautious's approach.
Even though my father eventually found sobriety/recovery when I was 15 - the damage to us 5 kids was deep and lasting. If just once in my childhood my mother had talked to me about the REALITY of what was going on she would have spared me so much more pain. It's gonna hurt no matter what - but you can spare your kids a world of confusion and heartache by calling it what it is: Addiction.
It's not like he's gonna miraculously clean up now that you are splitting so this will need to be a "living" & ongoing conversation, that can get more detailed as they mature. Start with the facts.
You don't ever want them feeling like there is something to hide or be ashamed of. Shame and secretiveness can become lifelong afflictions for children of A's to overcome. I mean, what a great "teachable moment." You owe it to them to be an example of honestly dealing rather than pretending it was "somethig else" that drove you and dad apart. Kids always do better with reality because otherwise they imagine much much worse things - it's true.
What you're doing is very healthy for you and your family! Share your ES&H with your kids!!
Good luck and peace,
B.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
I also agree with outonalimb and Bernadette. While I am the recovering addict, I have 3 kids from 14 to 4 and my counselors and rehab said the same things about my addiction. It gives them a sense of the real world, even as young as they are. It will help them understand my actions also and they get to see that recovery is possible. By telling them your not lying to them or trying to hide things but to help them understand. Its my own personal expierience that if you tell a child that mom or dad is 'sick' then they associate it that just take medicine and go to a dr and it will all go away. Just because a child learns how harsh a real world can be doesnt mean that they cant still be kids. It will help them also to deal with peer pressure in school and they will have background knowlege to help them decide when they get older too.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
My children are 8,7,7. A few years ago I sat them all down in what I like to call "family meeting"....they love when I yell this. They know something is going to be said...hahaha
I had the talk about drugs and alcohol, why some people do it (without making it sound like fun or peaking their curiosity) I explained why some people couldn't stop.
I used the tv as an example.
I asked them if they could stop watching tv forever...........nope.
Could they not watch it even if it would kill them........probably not.
If they went to a friends house would they take a peek.......probably so.
Could they stop even if they knew they could lose mommy?....they actually thought about that.
I told them that's almost close enough to addiction. I told them Daddy loves them very much and I would never ever tell daddy he could not talk to them but mommy had to protect them even if it meant hurting their hearts. They were allowed to get mad, talk to me, cry and I even gave them each a journal to write thier feelings with promts......like today I feel.............
I pray for............
My worries are......
I'm happy for.......
I'm blessed because......
Todays weather is........
Things I'm looking forward to......
I feel.........because.........
This way I could check it and see where they are at. I of course told them it was private and we picked a hiding spot.
We constantly prayed for their dad. I allowed them to love him. I never spoke bad of their dad. I encouraged communication such as letters, sending pictures, sending emails.
If he didn't reply or he was on an angry spurt then I would write them myself and act like I was him. I made sure he quit giving them false hope and no promises of visits.
If you ever need to talk please pm me. I know what it's like. I know the pain. I know your struggle.
I got us through it with only minor scratches and our kids are all ok. Straight A's. No mental issues and have a love for me and their father and tons of respect. They respect me, trust me and feel safe with me because I was honest even if it made them sad.
You are a wonderful mother to care how they feel.
I had the talk about drugs and alcohol, why some people do it (without making it sound like fun or peaking their curiosity) I explained why some people couldn't stop.
I used the tv as an example.
I asked them if they could stop watching tv forever...........nope.
Could they not watch it even if it would kill them........probably not.
If they went to a friends house would they take a peek.......probably so.
Could they stop even if they knew they could lose mommy?....they actually thought about that.
I told them that's almost close enough to addiction. I told them Daddy loves them very much and I would never ever tell daddy he could not talk to them but mommy had to protect them even if it meant hurting their hearts. They were allowed to get mad, talk to me, cry and I even gave them each a journal to write thier feelings with promts......like today I feel.............
I pray for............
My worries are......
I'm happy for.......
I'm blessed because......
Todays weather is........
Things I'm looking forward to......
I feel.........because.........
This way I could check it and see where they are at. I of course told them it was private and we picked a hiding spot.
We constantly prayed for their dad. I allowed them to love him. I never spoke bad of their dad. I encouraged communication such as letters, sending pictures, sending emails.
If he didn't reply or he was on an angry spurt then I would write them myself and act like I was him. I made sure he quit giving them false hope and no promises of visits.
If you ever need to talk please pm me. I know what it's like. I know the pain. I know your struggle.
I got us through it with only minor scratches and our kids are all ok. Straight A's. No mental issues and have a love for me and their father and tons of respect. They respect me, trust me and feel safe with me because I was honest even if it made them sad.
You are a wonderful mother to care how they feel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
You know, I wrote this thread 8 months ago and I am still at a loss as to what to tell my kids. They are 8 , they are perfect. They do not deserve to know that their daddy is a drug addict. I will never fail them as a mother, but NEVER did I think I would be dealing with this. I know honesty is the best, but I'm still very much struggling with this when it comes to MY kids. The only thing they know about drugs is through DARE. They know drugs are bad, but they idolize their dad - how do I drop that bombshell on them - that on top of the fact that their parents are facing divorce. Those sweet innocent souls don't deserve this at all and as their mother how do I protect them from that.
Just having a very hard time - if you read my recent posts on SA, you'll see that my AH has relapsed yet again and I'm at the very end of my rope with him and everything that my life entails with an addict.
Just having a very hard time - if you read my recent posts on SA, you'll see that my AH has relapsed yet again and I'm at the very end of my rope with him and everything that my life entails with an addict.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Callie,
My abf is a man that we went through an aweful lot to be together, I know it's not the same as a marriage and children that you two have together- but.....
We have lived together over 3yrs, with my children. Mine are teenagers now, and if/when he leaves- I WILL not tell them it is because of the addiction.
I will tell them that for certain reasons, he was unable to give the kind of life/love I want and need in our lives.
I will explain to my kids that for a multitude of reasons, sometimes people in life 'fail' at what they are supposed to do- and that it isn't a reflection on us at all.
I will also explain to them that the nature of life says - that perhaps this person isn't meant to change - for they have their own journey- and if they don't 'fit' into our journey that it is o.k......
I will explain to them that sometimes (most unfortunatly) relationships don't always last 'forever'- however , how long something lasts - does not minimize it's value or worth.
Every person in our lives has value, and for you CALLIE- I would suggest explaining that their father will ALWAYS be in their life- because it is their dad.
That relationship is different than married people - or people dateing-
I would be rather vague on the 'whys' -
It's more about 'how' you all will remain a 'family' in a different way now.....
I have been through the divorce thing- sometimes the less info the better. (not drug related)
All they need to know is both parents do indeed love them. In time, and believe me in time, they will understand and see the truth for themselves.
Cessy
My abf is a man that we went through an aweful lot to be together, I know it's not the same as a marriage and children that you two have together- but.....
We have lived together over 3yrs, with my children. Mine are teenagers now, and if/when he leaves- I WILL not tell them it is because of the addiction.
I will tell them that for certain reasons, he was unable to give the kind of life/love I want and need in our lives.
I will explain to my kids that for a multitude of reasons, sometimes people in life 'fail' at what they are supposed to do- and that it isn't a reflection on us at all.
I will also explain to them that the nature of life says - that perhaps this person isn't meant to change - for they have their own journey- and if they don't 'fit' into our journey that it is o.k......
I will explain to them that sometimes (most unfortunatly) relationships don't always last 'forever'- however , how long something lasts - does not minimize it's value or worth.
Every person in our lives has value, and for you CALLIE- I would suggest explaining that their father will ALWAYS be in their life- because it is their dad.
That relationship is different than married people - or people dateing-
I would be rather vague on the 'whys' -
It's more about 'how' you all will remain a 'family' in a different way now.....
I have been through the divorce thing- sometimes the less info the better. (not drug related)
All they need to know is both parents do indeed love them. In time, and believe me in time, they will understand and see the truth for themselves.
Cessy
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