SunnySue

I seem to be struggling a lot with resentment issues right now. My AH has been clean for around 6 months and by all that I can tell seems to be doing well. He did a bit under 2 month in treatment, and then since getting home has done 90 meetings in 90 days. So......in comparison with the people that have bigger problems now, it seems as though I should be thrilled. But I am not.

I get mad all of the time. First off, so you know some back ground: I was in the dark about my AH's addiction. I knew something wasn't right, but alway chalked it up to his "personality" in being distant, or his tough/stressful job for the crankiness and nodding off. We are fairly newly married and have equal jobs and had just bought a house with a lovely sized mortgage attached. Then, in November, he got caught. The details aren't really important, but just the fact that I had a rather rude awakening.

Now, even though he seems to be doing well, I am angry a lot. He doesn't have a job because he lost his license (temporarily hopefully) so I have the full burden of being sole bread winner and taking care of all the bills etc. Not only that, but he just won't pick up much work around the house. Before when I did most of the house work, I was pretty ok with it because at least we were both working full time. Anyway....so I just get really resentful. Sometimes, I feel like I hate him. I look at him with disgust over the lies he told me. I want to have physical intimacy but feel like I don't like it when I get close to him.

It is as if the things that attracted me to him before are gone, and left are the memories of lies and disappointments.

How do you all deal with feelings of resentment? I know from readings, etc that they are toxic for both myself and the recovering AH, but I just can;t seem to stop them. For some reason, I feel like he will never really be "sorry enough" to satisfy me. Is that wierd?
I know I can;t control him, and I can't make him act the way I want. So is will these feelings of resentment dampen with time, or is separation best?

Please share your resentments....and how you deal with them.

Thanks!

patchoulli

Im still dealing with resentments concerning my daughter and my raising her 2 year old[poor me,cant ride my bike]. she has visitation[supervised]. It took a few months of praying but now I usually can look at her as a sick person who is suffering and I feel sorry for her. She's clean for 3 months, still have a tendency of sniping and Im glad you posted, it put it back in my face....They really are sick, suffering and pitiful.

Impurrfect

((((Sunnysue))))

I'm a recovering addict AND recovering codie.

Although recovery does take a lot of work, and seems pretty selfish (at least at first), I see no reason why he can't be helping you out around the house. Part of recovery is learning to deal with life....bills, housework, etc., as well as working on past issues.

I'm sure many more people will be along soon, with a lot more advice. Have you talked to him about it? Have you checked out al-anon? There is also nar-anon, for families/friends of substance abusers, but there are usually many more al-anon meetings and will work just as well.

I'm glad you're hear at SR, but sorry for your circumstances. You may want to read some other threads...you'll find you many more people going through what you are.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

imallright

Morning Sunny...

Glad you are here and glad you shared your thoughts on resentment. That is a tough one for me too. Although I knew that my AH had drank, I never understood the extent of his addiction. When it then moved on to more... I truly had no clue. I too thought it was just him. Thought that he was just moody or distant. And then, I started to think it was ME. Something must of been wrong with me. When it all came out... and like you, no need to go into the details, I was floored.

My AH lost his license too. However, he did find a way to get to work and I took him to the meetings that we required... you see, it wasn't his first DUI. I was soooo young then. Supposedly the use stopped, but as I said, he simply switched DOC. There were clean times, I think and he supposedly isn't using now. I am happy for him, but like you I couldn't lose the resentment.

Al-anon or nar-anon is a great place to start. It gave me comfort to know I was not alone. A good counselor is also a good idea IMO. In my case, I have learned to deal with some of the pain and resentment, and I understand that I can't cure my AH's issues. That being said, for me the right answer is to separate. The hurt and issues were just to much for me to get past. I wish I could... but while I can start to let go... the starts of forgiveness does not mean that I want to be with him. That's just me, and it's a ton of years and stuff that I am have to figure out.

I know that my AH has an illness and unlike yours, mine doesn't see the need for meetings... other than what was mandatory, so maybe yours will be different. Mine at this point is clean... but hasn't figured out that the behaviors are still around. Sad. I pray that he will and that he will be happy, but for me...I need to move on. Way too much to get over and forgive if I stay.

itisatruth

Hi SunnySue. I saw your post last night/early this AM, but had to think about it before I could reply. (my H. is my addict)

You see, I don't have a way to get through my resentments. I guess I just wait and eventually they start to lessen. I'm pretty good at putting things on a "shelf" and avoiding them, if that makes sense. I don't think this is healthy though, so I am really looking forward to reading more replies.

I do want to point out that now, however, I don't think I want to get over my resentments. I think I need to stay angry.....at least for a while. I need to demand better for myself. When I "get over" my resentments for all the pain.....lies, betrayals, destruction, let downs, loneliness.....I feel I settle. I accept it over and over again. I know I can't do that anymore, and for me that's growth. My AH once had recovery, but hasn't in over 7 yrs.)

Whether or not you are able to get past this will depend on both of you, I think. For you, I agree that al-anon would be beneficial. Also, spend time around here.....there are many who have moved on to healthy lives in recovery (addicts AND codies). Impurrfect had a good point about him helping you more around the house. Also, expressing your resentments in non-confrontational ways may help.

Take care.

SunnySue

Thanks so much to everyone that replied so far.
patchoulli - thanks for the reminder that the addicts in our life truly are ill. Sometimes that is hard for me to remember. Of course, we are ill too, uggg.....I hate saying that.

imallright - thanks for sharing your story. I really related to the things that you said.

I think that my own personality traits definitely complicate the situation. I am one of those crazy type A's - over achiever, perfectionist types. I think that this is why I have such resentment toward my AH, because he ruined any possibility of near perfection. I know this is so STUPID.....but that is what I think is there.
Also, this sort of carries over to house work. I mean, he helps some, but he just doesn't do things as well as I would like. And just doesn't "see" things that need to be done, like dusting, vaccuming, pick up things so that they are neat, etc.

Geez....I am crazy!
On that note, I would like to see a therapist or counselor...just was worried about the money thing, and I was hoping that I could get over it on my own. Maybe I will make that leap soon.....it is probably what I need. I tried Al-anon but didn't find the people in the meetings around here very helpful. That sounds awfully judgmental, but I just felt like I didn't connect with the people there.

Anyway, thanks for listening and for sharing your wisdom!

ZombieWife

I've been struggling with this myself, lately. A LOT. I'm going to see a therapist. I can't do this alone. I had to admit that to myself. I think that my attitude isn't contributing in a positive way to my husband's recovery process. Not in the least.

I feel like I have to fall in love with him all over again--that his addiction murdered everything good I every felt for him. For a long time, I didn't want him touching me, kissing me, hugging me. I just felt so angry, so resentful. I know I haven't forgiven him for some things. I need to address those things with someone who can help me.

The good news is that we had our anniversary a few weeks ago and I made a decided effort to be loving, romantic and intimate with him. It went well. Then, the next week was his birthday, which I went out of my way to make good for him, to be loving, to be a good wife.

Slowly, since then, I felt something in me reawaken. I look at him again, when he's not aware that I am doing so. I look and am starting to see the man I fell in love with. I'm feeling those feelings again, those warm feelings.

But, then the next day I'll lose it, get suspicious and break down. I need help. As many addicts must admit they need help, I have to be willing to do the same. This is bigger than us. I can't do it without someone holding my hand for a bit and giving me insight and tools.

I'll let you know how it goes. Since I am in college, I get 20 free sessions through the psych. department. I see therapists, but I agree to let them video tape me so they can use my case to teach their grad students. Sometimes, they'll have a student sitting with them and taking notes. It doesn't bother me in the least. If it helps me and helps THEM learn, then I'm more than willing.

Many universities offer this kind of help. If you aren't a student, most will go off a sliding scale and you pay what you can (10$ a session or whatnot.)

Many good wishes to you. I hope you find your solution, but don't be too proud to admit you might need a little help.

Chino

I've found that every time I have resentment issues it's because of a lack of boundaries, not enforcing those boundaries, and/or a lack of clear communication from my end. When I address those things the resentment leaves and determination steps in.

Chino

I'm a perfectionist too and my own worst enemy lol! My 20 year old recovering daughter lives at home and once in a while does things the way I want them done. Same goes for my husband who is 'normal'. I have to make a list for my daughter because she forgets all the time.

Two days ago I asked my daughter to do something she'd never done before and it was during a time crunch. We both stopped and looked at each other, decided now was not the time to learn, and I should do the task so I didn't blow a gasket.

They've come to accept that I'm picky and I've come to accept they aren't.

laurie6781

Ok, let's see.

Resentments, 99.999999% of the time are based on EXPECTATIONS that are unfulfilled.

Have you quietly sat down with your hubby, and asked that he pick up some of the "housework" while he is unemployed? Or did you just 'expect' him to do it?

Expectations as in "what's he not doing, that I want him to do, when I want him to do it, to make me more comfortable?" Man the first time my sponsor asked me that one, I just knew my resentments were me not him.

You also say that you haven't been married long and you just even found out the problem last November. So, of course, you are still 'swimming'.

I don't know if you attend Alanon or Naranon, but you might want to try a few meetings. There you will find others who are or have experienced what you are feeling now and can share, one on one, face to face, what they did and how it helped them. I suggest Alanon, as many times there are a lot more Alanon meetings at a lot of different times than there are Naranon.

Nope not wierd, but probably right on schedule. It was 3 years into my recovery before my family started 'accepting' me again. His actions, staying in recovery, working his recovery are the way he starts to SHOW he is sorry.

I doubt separation would solve anything at this point. The rule of "No major changes the first year" seems to hold true as much for the alkie/addict as it does for spouse or SO.

I don't know what he was licensed for, however, if it was anything medical, it will be a few years before he can get it back. So, what to do instead. Work on one's self. Take the focus off of 'him' and put it back on you.

You have stated you are a perfectionist, and that in itself can cause you problems. So if I may suggest, sit down with hubby. Have a nice chat, a quiet peaceful, no finger pointing chat. Explain that because the situation is what it is at the moment, you could really use some help around the house. You can add that you understand how hard it is for him also right now, but you hope he keeps looking for 'any' job that will bring in some $$$ to help with the bills. If you do decide to try some Alanon or Naranon you can tell him that you too are going to work on you not him, lol

Anything you share with him bring it up about you not him. Be non confrontational and I believe you might be surprised at the response you get.

You see when we change our actions, the reactions to us change. Having a nice conversation with no yelling just honest talk will lower your resentment level immensely. Have no doubt, he is feeling EXTREMELY guilty and will continue to while he works his way through the steps. Changes will come, slowly probably, but they will come. This is where you need patience.

You obviously love this man, or you would not have married him. He didn't stay in addiction, and has gotten help and is now working toward how to stay clean and sober.

Now for others reading this, this can only work when the Alkie or addict is WORKING a program of recovery and doesn't always work then. It has a pretty good chance of it, if we keep the conversation on an even keel, no yelling, etc.

When I changed my actions, those around me started reacting differently.

Resentments do fade, at least mine did when my expections changed.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

SunnySue

thanks all.
Someone who has a lot history in his own recovery and in working with other addicts/alcoholics once told me that "unrealistic expectations are preconceived resentments" That definitely was a thought provoking statement that made me look at myself. That definitely jives with Laurie, your statement about the resentment lying within us and not with the other person. Thanks, your post helped me to remember that.

jerect

I want to thank you for starting with this post because SunnySue I can totally relate to your situation. I'm so full of resentment right now. I understand that my AH has a disease. I'm thankfull that he is going to meetings and has finally gotten a sponsor. But at the same time, i have this "what about me" attitude as well.

We have only been married a year, and not a day goes by when I don't see a happy couple and long for that normalcy. I know that I shouldent compare myself or my marriage to other people but at times I catch myself doing just that.

Right now my AH cannot be reasoned with. When I talk to him calmly he still jumps on the defensive. Of course yelling does not solve anything eaither. I'm starting to realize that maybe it will take time on both me and my AH's part for resentments to go away. I'm still new to all of this and my reactions in the past have not been the most pleasent. I'm sure my AH has his guard up as well. He is used to me flying off the deep end so when I want to have a normal discussion he already has his defensed up.

I'm trying to work the steps. I'm still on step one, some days I make it to step two but most days I find myself back to step one. I'm powerless over my AH's addiction and my life has become unmanageable. He is not making my life unmanageable but I sure am.

I want to thank everyone who has replied to SunnySue's post, it has helped me see my resentments in a different way.

stone

Sunny, I am the addict.

When you are still putting up with this **** in 10 years THEN you are codie.

Right now, if you arent related by blood, just walk away.

rahsue

I agree he could be helping around the house but first things first. You need help with your feelings, even if he starts to help you may, no not may you will still feel this resentment, it's kind of like a grieving process, you need to work through your issues.This is what they mean when they say addiction is a family disease, we as family have problems as well. Going to some meetings won't hurt, in fact many people here feel the meetings did a world of good for them. I know you are probably thinking, "he did this to me" but the point is whats done is done so you can either work it through or go through life miserable. Seek out a meeting. Go help yourself now.

good luck

lightseeker

Sunny -

addiction is a terrible disease and it infiltrates not only the addicts but those that love them. The only way that I have ever found to work through resentments is by working through the steps (especially the 4th one) with a sponsor. I know that others find a different way but I was never able to make any progress on my own - or even in counseling. I know that when I feel a resentment I need to pull out my pen and paper. First, I name the person and what my exact resentments are. I list until I am resented out. Then I go back and see what parts of my life are being affected (self esteem, pride, ambition, pocketbook, relationships, etc.). Then, I write down my belief about what should have happened instead of the resentment. THEN....what is my part (pride, denial, self delusion, greed, poor boundaries, poor self care, self seeking, etc.) That helps to cough the hair ball up and then I can get to work on me - and what I need to do to take care of myself. It wasn't until I had a year of recovery that I finally understood how to then look at my resentments in terms of fear. I then list all the fears that bubble up and then look at what part of "self" is failing me.....that is where I always find the trailhead that leads me to better self care and self love. And I think that that is what eventually my recovery has been about.

I learned the tough way that trying to work the 4th step without doing 1,2,3 led me to a lot of confusion. I first had to admit how powerless I am and how unmanageable my life had become. Then, I trust that HP can restore me to sanity if I ask for help and guidance and I turn it over. Only then am I ready to look at my resentments.

With all of that said, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through all of this....not at all what you believed that you had signed up for. It's not fair but there are many of us here that have shared your journey and the support at SR is so helpful as you figure out what is best for you.

peaceteach

What a great post, Lightseeker! I was really educated by your written/answer/deduce process of dealing with resentment. It sounds like something "hands on" that could work towards dealing with more challenges than just resentments. I'm going to "write it out" right now