First time poster...Long (Sorry!)...Would appreciate some insight though!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 1
First time poster...Long (Sorry!)...Would appreciate some insight though!
I’m gonna try to keep my intro/story as short as possible for now…just so I can get the advice and support I’m desperate for right at this moment.
I’m 23 and have been married to my high school sweetheart (24) for 3 years this coming June. Please, I’d rather not hear any lectures about getting married young. I’m very responsible, think through all of my decisions, and both my hubby and I had great examples of healthy marriage – both of our sets of parents married young and are still as happy as can be. My issue isn’t that I got married young and now I want to run around…and the same goes for him. I am so grateful I was able to marry him when I did…I feel like we got a few extra years. My husband is my best friend, my lover, my confidant etc. That’s what makes my current situation so hard. Let me summarize as quickly as I can:
1) Husband used pot in high school, actually sold it for a short time. Just before he and I started dating, he gave up the selling and the substance for himself. I came into the picture a few months later. He continued to smoke cigarettes, which I decided I was alright with, as he planned to quit within the year.
2) Husband stayed away from all drugs and alcohol for next three years, as well as quitting smoking, as he went on a 2 year mission for our church (LDS).
3) Upon his return, and our wedding, husband stated on honeymoon he’d like to have one cigarette for old times sake; I disliked idea but told him it was his decision but the smoking could not continue – 4 months after returning from honeymoon I finally admitted to myself hubby was still smoking but trying to hide it (he’s not good at it!) and he promised a new date to quit. Since that date, he has recommitted dates to quit smoking, having never done so. I realize I may need to let this issue go in part due to the following issues.
4) Hubby injured his bad knee 8 months into marriage and was given hydrocodone for pain. He refused to practice physical therapy (PT) and soon “reinjured” his knee, we were back in the ER, given more meds. This cycle continued about 5, yes FIVE, times.
5) At several points throughout this cycle of “injuring” his knee, my mother, who takes pain medication for a ruptured disc called me on several occasions stating her medication had been stolen (strangely enough, hubby had used the bathroom these meds were stored in, rather than the one all of us normally use when visiting).
6) On my birthday during this long injury cycle, mother in law came over and told me my husband was stealing her pain meds as well. Husband didn’t admit to this but I could tell by looking at him he’d taken all the missing medicine. I left the house for a walk and upon returning found him with over 100 asprin laid across the bed in rows…making it look like he was going to kill himself.
7) At this point hubby and I had long talk, he committed himself to telling me the truth, having me control the medications and give him his dose daily, etc. Obviously, this didn’t work out!
8) About 4 months later, husband went to psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADD (my brother has ADD and I KNOW my hubby doesn’t have this problem) and suddenly he needed expensive adderall once a month. I noticed my hubby would stay up for days at a time with no sleep, would sweat like crazy, couldn’t perform sexually, and had “wild eyes”. Each time I confronted my husband about why I wasn’t the one giving him his medicine, about the lack of trust in our marriage, my concern for his health, etc. he would fly off the handle. He’d tell me he was leaving me if I didn’t believe that he wasn’t overdosing and such…somehow the argument would just dissolve and we’d be in the same place a month later. (He did the same with prozac for a time but I suppose he found adderall gives him the bigger high??) –can I please also say that when he would stay up all night he spends ALL night looking at porn…I don’t care about my hubby looking at porn within reason but he does it 24 hours a day when he’s on adderall…don’t even let me get into the symptoms when he comes off that medication!! UGH!
9) Recently, I caught my husband in a huge lie (I’d allowed him to take a few photos of me…he promised he’d never share them…then I found them online….stupid I know…let’s not go there please!) and I told him I’d had it with three years of lies. I told him that if he’d ask me about things, come to me about his ADD medicine, etc we would work through this issue together. I told him this was his last chance. However, just today I found the adderall bottle and he’s only had this new prescription for less than a week….and there is less than a week’s worth of medicine left. I took the bottle and hid it and am waiting for my husband to say something…He came in earlier and I heard him in the kitchen…I saw the panic in his eyes when he found his medicine wasn’t there.
I love my husband and more than anything I want him to be healthy and safe. I do not want to leave him. However, I am wondering if I need to kick him out for a week or so so that he gets the idea. Or, will that make things worse. I can’t tell my in laws or parents about this because they are the type to get overly involved and mess things up. Should I just cut off the money supply? We both work though…so I don’t know. I’m so upset that there is just no trust left in our relationship…and I’m scared for my husband….any advice or support is welcome!!!
I’m 23 and have been married to my high school sweetheart (24) for 3 years this coming June. Please, I’d rather not hear any lectures about getting married young. I’m very responsible, think through all of my decisions, and both my hubby and I had great examples of healthy marriage – both of our sets of parents married young and are still as happy as can be. My issue isn’t that I got married young and now I want to run around…and the same goes for him. I am so grateful I was able to marry him when I did…I feel like we got a few extra years. My husband is my best friend, my lover, my confidant etc. That’s what makes my current situation so hard. Let me summarize as quickly as I can:
1) Husband used pot in high school, actually sold it for a short time. Just before he and I started dating, he gave up the selling and the substance for himself. I came into the picture a few months later. He continued to smoke cigarettes, which I decided I was alright with, as he planned to quit within the year.
2) Husband stayed away from all drugs and alcohol for next three years, as well as quitting smoking, as he went on a 2 year mission for our church (LDS).
3) Upon his return, and our wedding, husband stated on honeymoon he’d like to have one cigarette for old times sake; I disliked idea but told him it was his decision but the smoking could not continue – 4 months after returning from honeymoon I finally admitted to myself hubby was still smoking but trying to hide it (he’s not good at it!) and he promised a new date to quit. Since that date, he has recommitted dates to quit smoking, having never done so. I realize I may need to let this issue go in part due to the following issues.
4) Hubby injured his bad knee 8 months into marriage and was given hydrocodone for pain. He refused to practice physical therapy (PT) and soon “reinjured” his knee, we were back in the ER, given more meds. This cycle continued about 5, yes FIVE, times.
5) At several points throughout this cycle of “injuring” his knee, my mother, who takes pain medication for a ruptured disc called me on several occasions stating her medication had been stolen (strangely enough, hubby had used the bathroom these meds were stored in, rather than the one all of us normally use when visiting).
6) On my birthday during this long injury cycle, mother in law came over and told me my husband was stealing her pain meds as well. Husband didn’t admit to this but I could tell by looking at him he’d taken all the missing medicine. I left the house for a walk and upon returning found him with over 100 asprin laid across the bed in rows…making it look like he was going to kill himself.
7) At this point hubby and I had long talk, he committed himself to telling me the truth, having me control the medications and give him his dose daily, etc. Obviously, this didn’t work out!
8) About 4 months later, husband went to psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADD (my brother has ADD and I KNOW my hubby doesn’t have this problem) and suddenly he needed expensive adderall once a month. I noticed my hubby would stay up for days at a time with no sleep, would sweat like crazy, couldn’t perform sexually, and had “wild eyes”. Each time I confronted my husband about why I wasn’t the one giving him his medicine, about the lack of trust in our marriage, my concern for his health, etc. he would fly off the handle. He’d tell me he was leaving me if I didn’t believe that he wasn’t overdosing and such…somehow the argument would just dissolve and we’d be in the same place a month later. (He did the same with prozac for a time but I suppose he found adderall gives him the bigger high??) –can I please also say that when he would stay up all night he spends ALL night looking at porn…I don’t care about my hubby looking at porn within reason but he does it 24 hours a day when he’s on adderall…don’t even let me get into the symptoms when he comes off that medication!! UGH!
9) Recently, I caught my husband in a huge lie (I’d allowed him to take a few photos of me…he promised he’d never share them…then I found them online….stupid I know…let’s not go there please!) and I told him I’d had it with three years of lies. I told him that if he’d ask me about things, come to me about his ADD medicine, etc we would work through this issue together. I told him this was his last chance. However, just today I found the adderall bottle and he’s only had this new prescription for less than a week….and there is less than a week’s worth of medicine left. I took the bottle and hid it and am waiting for my husband to say something…He came in earlier and I heard him in the kitchen…I saw the panic in his eyes when he found his medicine wasn’t there.
I love my husband and more than anything I want him to be healthy and safe. I do not want to leave him. However, I am wondering if I need to kick him out for a week or so so that he gets the idea. Or, will that make things worse. I can’t tell my in laws or parents about this because they are the type to get overly involved and mess things up. Should I just cut off the money supply? We both work though…so I don’t know. I’m so upset that there is just no trust left in our relationship…and I’m scared for my husband….any advice or support is welcome!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Squishy)))
You are not going to be able to control this sweetie. I know you want to, and somewhere deep down your husband may even want you to, but bottomline is - he has to want to get help for himself!
Welcome. There is a lot of wisdom on this board, in the meantime, read around to other posts and I think you will see your story, or at least parts of it, in lots of places. Take comfort from this, know we are here.
You sound like a very strong person, hold on to this strength and do not let it slip away.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
You are not going to be able to control this sweetie. I know you want to, and somewhere deep down your husband may even want you to, but bottomline is - he has to want to get help for himself!
Welcome. There is a lot of wisdom on this board, in the meantime, read around to other posts and I think you will see your story, or at least parts of it, in lots of places. Take comfort from this, know we are here.
You sound like a very strong person, hold on to this strength and do not let it slip away.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, i can not tell you what to do. i can tell you it will get worse. read around. there is alot of info here. we r here to help you & support you in your decisions. saying a prayer for you & your husband. welcome to S.R.& keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Oh sweetie - run, run far and as fast as you can. I know you don't want to hear this, but run, run fast and don't look back he is a fraud. A Complete FRAUD! He may not see this, nor may his family, but I KNOW from experience that you should run far away. I'm sorry for your pain, but I WISH someone would have told me what I've told you. RUN!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
BTW - I KNOW you love your AH, but times that by 100 how you'll feel about your kids. THEY DO NOT DESERVE the trouble/turmoil/utter dispair that your AH will bring to them AND TO YOU AS THEIR MOTHER!!!. I so wish someone would have spoken up for me instead of trusting my decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
BTW - read my post below. I was 17 and I completely believed and trusted my H. It was the worst decision I've ever made - 21 years later. My kids (with him) are the joys of my life, but at times I'd wished I'd never met him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
First off, I want to say that I'm so sorry you're in this position. I'm sorry he's abused your trust. I don't think anyone here is about to judge someone based on how old they were when they got married. There are some recovering addicts on this board who are teens and who have the wisdom of the ages.
You can't control him or keep him from using. You throw it out, he'll get it somewhere else, or he'll start to use the street version (Meth) as my husband did and that's not a road he ever ever wants to go down. Adderall is basically legalized speed (same with Ritalin.)
Some people experience a severe increase in their sex drive while on speed.
I have to agree with CW is saying, you cannot do this alone. This is pretty big. It's big for each and every one of us and the reason we come here is because we've admitted to ourselves that we can't do this w/o help. Consider a therapist yourself, or al-anon (or naranon.)
You can't think "short term" at this point, I'm afraid. It can't be "should I kick him out for a week?" That is a band-aid at best. You have to sit down and think about what you are going to allow in your life and what you simply will not tolerate, and then you have to stick to that plan--even if it means he's "kicked out" for a whole lot longer than a week.
This problem can't be wrapped up into a nice, tidy little package. It's messy. It's VERY messy and it has tentacles that will touch every single aspect of his and your life. You can't control that, but you can control exactly how you react and what YOU do.
As for your parents, your mother already knows. If she knows he's stolen her medication, she knows he has a problem--whether or not she's actually saying this to you.
His parents? That's a tough one and that's entirely up to you. Maybe his parents are a very bad influence on his life and he has an unhealthy relationship with them. I don't know. Families can be great on the outside, but hide some serious underlying issues that they refuse to face or deal with. (called: Denial!)
Again, you need to figure out what you are willing to live with and what you aren't then stick to your guns.
Has he admitted to having a problem? Will he consider rehab? A 12 step program? A therapist who knows his addiction issues?
Here is a post I made a while back with some info on it. Maybe it will help. I will state right now that many who get to this point have made peace with themselves and the fact that their loved one is an addict. They've put the power into God's hands, so to say:
LINK
God bless
You can't control him or keep him from using. You throw it out, he'll get it somewhere else, or he'll start to use the street version (Meth) as my husband did and that's not a road he ever ever wants to go down. Adderall is basically legalized speed (same with Ritalin.)
Some people experience a severe increase in their sex drive while on speed.
I have to agree with CW is saying, you cannot do this alone. This is pretty big. It's big for each and every one of us and the reason we come here is because we've admitted to ourselves that we can't do this w/o help. Consider a therapist yourself, or al-anon (or naranon.)
You can't think "short term" at this point, I'm afraid. It can't be "should I kick him out for a week?" That is a band-aid at best. You have to sit down and think about what you are going to allow in your life and what you simply will not tolerate, and then you have to stick to that plan--even if it means he's "kicked out" for a whole lot longer than a week.
This problem can't be wrapped up into a nice, tidy little package. It's messy. It's VERY messy and it has tentacles that will touch every single aspect of his and your life. You can't control that, but you can control exactly how you react and what YOU do.
As for your parents, your mother already knows. If she knows he's stolen her medication, she knows he has a problem--whether or not she's actually saying this to you.
His parents? That's a tough one and that's entirely up to you. Maybe his parents are a very bad influence on his life and he has an unhealthy relationship with them. I don't know. Families can be great on the outside, but hide some serious underlying issues that they refuse to face or deal with. (called: Denial!)
Again, you need to figure out what you are willing to live with and what you aren't then stick to your guns.
Has he admitted to having a problem? Will he consider rehab? A 12 step program? A therapist who knows his addiction issues?
Here is a post I made a while back with some info on it. Maybe it will help. I will state right now that many who get to this point have made peace with themselves and the fact that their loved one is an addict. They've put the power into God's hands, so to say:
LINK
God bless
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((((((squishy)))))))))))
I too just want my AH to be healthy and safe and I'm very scared for him as well. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about him.
In the beginning I was a lot like you. I tried to control the situation, I have done everything from texting his drug dealers and threating them with turning them in to constantly going through his things and flushing any drug that I found. Unfortuantly, when there is a will there is a way and my AH still found ways to get his pills. I agree with Zombiewife in that if your mother and mother in law have told you that they suspect your husband of stealing their pain pills then they know about his addiction. Addicts can only hide their addiction for so long and then it starts to tell on them.
As for telling them, that is entirely up to you. If you have a good relationship with his parents then I would tell them. You can't carry secret by yourself.
If you read the posts on this board there are some happy endings and there are some sad endings when dealing with loved ones that are addicts. I love when recovering addicts post on this board and give their insight. It helps me understand the addict and it gives me hope that there is a chance of recovery. No matter what you do you cannot help your husband. He has to be the one that wants the help. NA has done wonders for my AH. At first I think he went because I wanted him too but now he goes because he wants too. Addiction is for a lifetime and if you stay with him be prepared for a roller coaster ride.
Try to find you some al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to go too. These meetings wont tell you how to help or fix your addict but they will give you the tools to help yourself. And thats the most important thing to remember. Put yourself, your needs, your safety and your happieness first. It's not being selfish, it's actually the most unselfish thing that you can do for you and your AH.
I too just want my AH to be healthy and safe and I'm very scared for him as well. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about him.
In the beginning I was a lot like you. I tried to control the situation, I have done everything from texting his drug dealers and threating them with turning them in to constantly going through his things and flushing any drug that I found. Unfortuantly, when there is a will there is a way and my AH still found ways to get his pills. I agree with Zombiewife in that if your mother and mother in law have told you that they suspect your husband of stealing their pain pills then they know about his addiction. Addicts can only hide their addiction for so long and then it starts to tell on them.
As for telling them, that is entirely up to you. If you have a good relationship with his parents then I would tell them. You can't carry secret by yourself.
If you read the posts on this board there are some happy endings and there are some sad endings when dealing with loved ones that are addicts. I love when recovering addicts post on this board and give their insight. It helps me understand the addict and it gives me hope that there is a chance of recovery. No matter what you do you cannot help your husband. He has to be the one that wants the help. NA has done wonders for my AH. At first I think he went because I wanted him too but now he goes because he wants too. Addiction is for a lifetime and if you stay with him be prepared for a roller coaster ride.
Try to find you some al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to go too. These meetings wont tell you how to help or fix your addict but they will give you the tools to help yourself. And thats the most important thing to remember. Put yourself, your needs, your safety and your happieness first. It's not being selfish, it's actually the most unselfish thing that you can do for you and your AH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
agree with all of the above...Im sorry...Im laughing...you sound like I was...You have absolutely no control over any of his actions...only your own...you can make your decisions sane or not. You can make your life sane or you can go crazy....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome Squishy. You've found a good place for support and encouragement here. Keep reading and posting. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, especially "What Addicts Do". Learn all you can about addiction. The hardest lesson for me was the 3 C's of addiction... You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
Alot of us here have tried all sorts of ways to get our addict clean... loving them, yelling, arguing, manipulating, bargaining, etc. None of it works, only the addict can choose to get and stay clean. We can't do it for them. We CAN set boundaries of what behavior we are willing to live with, and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are broken. The important part is following through on what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. If you don't follow through, they know they can keep doing the same thing with no real consequences. Remember to take care of you and your sanity no matter what your H is doing. (((HUGS)))
Alot of us here have tried all sorts of ways to get our addict clean... loving them, yelling, arguing, manipulating, bargaining, etc. None of it works, only the addict can choose to get and stay clean. We can't do it for them. We CAN set boundaries of what behavior we are willing to live with, and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are broken. The important part is following through on what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. If you don't follow through, they know they can keep doing the same thing with no real consequences. Remember to take care of you and your sanity no matter what your H is doing. (((HUGS)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
