AH called today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Larwill, IN
Posts: 22
AH called today...
Okay, before anyone freaks out...yes, I know there is a TRO. That is why I let the answering machine get it. I hear his voice, in a very serious tone, say "okay, you need to just answer the phone." First thought was, "omg, what happened?" He said he was looking at a letter that said our $1200 stimmulus check was deposited in my individual account this morning. I then explained that it was my understanding it was being taken for a tax offset and that it was not in my account as of this morning when I checked.
Since we were already talking, I felt the need to express a few things, but to simplifiy it, I will list them as I said them to him (not necessarily in this order):
1. It is in NO way my intention to keep ANY of the kids (his or mine) away from him, but that I would ask for supervised visits until he could prove to me he was straight enough and in a good enough, 100% SAFE environment. (Not any easy task I might add.)
2. When we go to court on the 29th, I hope he will support me in urging the judge to include our 6 y/o daughter (not his bio child) in the supervised visits. He is the only dad she knows and I know that despite the divorce, he will ALWAYS be her dad in both his and my own eyes. She is also the one hurting the most right now and she really needs to see her daddy.
3. While I know he is sorry for what has happened, it cannot be undone and there is NO chance of any reconciliaton...before or after the divorce or EVER! I have and will always love him, but the last three years has painfully proven that love is NOT enough.
4. It is my ultimate, LONG-term goal that we can both learn and grow from this experience, someday being able to lovingly (towards kids not each other) and effectively "co-parent" the kids. It is what is in THEIR best interest.
5. I do not want to or any intention of trying to hurt him, retaliate, or make this worse for any of this. A future without his family and us not "growing old together" is painful and punishment enough. However, it is my wish that he uses this to turn around and become a better father and person in general.
I think there was more, but those were the key points I wanted to share. It was, of course, discussed that this would be the last time we communicated until the 29th and go from there. I'm so proud of myself because I will be honest as hell with you all...it ripped my heart out to hear his voice and every single miniscule fiber in my body was screaming for him to hold me. BUT...I stayed strong and did not waiver once. Yippie!
Since we were already talking, I felt the need to express a few things, but to simplifiy it, I will list them as I said them to him (not necessarily in this order):
1. It is in NO way my intention to keep ANY of the kids (his or mine) away from him, but that I would ask for supervised visits until he could prove to me he was straight enough and in a good enough, 100% SAFE environment. (Not any easy task I might add.)
2. When we go to court on the 29th, I hope he will support me in urging the judge to include our 6 y/o daughter (not his bio child) in the supervised visits. He is the only dad she knows and I know that despite the divorce, he will ALWAYS be her dad in both his and my own eyes. She is also the one hurting the most right now and she really needs to see her daddy.
3. While I know he is sorry for what has happened, it cannot be undone and there is NO chance of any reconciliaton...before or after the divorce or EVER! I have and will always love him, but the last three years has painfully proven that love is NOT enough.
4. It is my ultimate, LONG-term goal that we can both learn and grow from this experience, someday being able to lovingly (towards kids not each other) and effectively "co-parent" the kids. It is what is in THEIR best interest.
5. I do not want to or any intention of trying to hurt him, retaliate, or make this worse for any of this. A future without his family and us not "growing old together" is painful and punishment enough. However, it is my wish that he uses this to turn around and become a better father and person in general.
I think there was more, but those were the key points I wanted to share. It was, of course, discussed that this would be the last time we communicated until the 29th and go from there. I'm so proud of myself because I will be honest as hell with you all...it ripped my heart out to hear his voice and every single miniscule fiber in my body was screaming for him to hold me. BUT...I stayed strong and did not waiver once. Yippie!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Rural, VA
Posts: 10
Congratulations!
I know that conversation had to be extremely difficult for you but you must have been exhilirated afterwards to have held up so well and to have had your say. I hope that I too will be able to do just what you did when 
the time comes for me to leave my AH.
Good going!
the time comes for me to leave my AH. Good going!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Larwill, IN
Posts: 22
Thank you all. It helps to hear how strong I am because, as some of you know all too well, it doesn't always feel like it. After I posted last nigh, I started packing up some of the things AH had left. Of course, I found the little gas station roses/teddy bears we'd always get each other, the very beautiful worded "I love you so much..." cards, the frame with our wedding pics (we got married by JP, so just a few 35mm print pics), and other stuff. I had forgotten that when I threw him out before, I threw all that stuff in one of the trash bags full of his stuff...partly cause I didn't want it (at the time) and partly to make him feel like s***.
It was strange how it hurt to look at these things as my eyes filled with tears, but yet I still knew this was "it"...the "end" of my marriage. I know I never thought this day would come, especially after all I'd already forgiven (and all he'd forgiven of me) through the last six years. Don't know if you've ever seen Wedding Singer, but the song Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore on the airplane, 'I Wanna Grow Old With You,' is "our" song. I always pictured us as old and wrinkly, sitting on a porch swing watching our grandchildren playing in the yard. He was...and actually always will be, the best friend that I ever had. Things just got messed up and it didn't work out. He will always know 1,000 more things about than anyone else...my mom, my kids, my best girl friend. And through it all...he always loved me.
Unfortunatley, as someone said in another thread on here, alcohol was his mistress...or I was the mistress. I like to think that in 20 years, we'll be one of those couples who married and divorced young, but raised their children together despite being divorced...and someday find they are still so in love that they get remarried (or at least back together) still growing old together. I just know that know, next week, next month, next year...we can't be together. I'm just glad I'm able to see it and accept it this well regardless of the pain.
It was strange how it hurt to look at these things as my eyes filled with tears, but yet I still knew this was "it"...the "end" of my marriage. I know I never thought this day would come, especially after all I'd already forgiven (and all he'd forgiven of me) through the last six years. Don't know if you've ever seen Wedding Singer, but the song Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore on the airplane, 'I Wanna Grow Old With You,' is "our" song. I always pictured us as old and wrinkly, sitting on a porch swing watching our grandchildren playing in the yard. He was...and actually always will be, the best friend that I ever had. Things just got messed up and it didn't work out. He will always know 1,000 more things about than anyone else...my mom, my kids, my best girl friend. And through it all...he always loved me.
Unfortunatley, as someone said in another thread on here, alcohol was his mistress...or I was the mistress. I like to think that in 20 years, we'll be one of those couples who married and divorced young, but raised their children together despite being divorced...and someday find they are still so in love that they get remarried (or at least back together) still growing old together. I just know that know, next week, next month, next year...we can't be together. I'm just glad I'm able to see it and accept it this well regardless of the pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
"He will always know 1,000 more things about me than anyone else..."
When I read that, I knew exactly what you meant and my heart ached for you and me and everyone else going through this. I cried a little, and I hadn't let myself do that for a few days. For me, that statement is one of the very hardest to face as I begin this process. I've been married to my AH for 19 years, together with him for 22 years -- more than half of my life. Ending our life together fills me with a sort of panic and heartache that is beyond anything I can explain...but I also know I can't continue living like this anymore. I hope that I will have your clarity and strength soon. Thinking of you in the meantime...
T
When I read that, I knew exactly what you meant and my heart ached for you and me and everyone else going through this. I cried a little, and I hadn't let myself do that for a few days. For me, that statement is one of the very hardest to face as I begin this process. I've been married to my AH for 19 years, together with him for 22 years -- more than half of my life. Ending our life together fills me with a sort of panic and heartache that is beyond anything I can explain...but I also know I can't continue living like this anymore. I hope that I will have your clarity and strength soon. Thinking of you in the meantime...
T
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
As my therapist told me on Thursday at my first visit, "right now you are grieving the dream". By dream she meant my comment about growing old with STBXAH. It is a grieving process. None of us ever imagined a life like this. I feel just like you...I'm losing my best friend and that dream that I always held so close to "grow old with you".
(((HUGS))) We're being stronger than we ever imagined, right? It still sucks to no end, but it's the right thing to do today. That's all that really matters.
(((HUGS))) We're being stronger than we ever imagined, right? It still sucks to no end, but it's the right thing to do today. That's all that really matters.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
lilian I'm glad you're doing ok...keep hanging in there!:ghug3
This thread has made me sad reading the last few replies. My xabf was my best friend and I think I'll miss that the much. I too had to pack some of his things up a month ago. It was really painful. It's definitley a grieving process but at the moment I feel so numb.
This thread has made me sad reading the last few replies. My xabf was my best friend and I think I'll miss that the much. I too had to pack some of his things up a month ago. It was really painful. It's definitley a grieving process but at the moment I feel so numb.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I think giving up the dream of growing old with STBXAH was one of the things that delayed my admitting to what life really was with him. Once I started dealing in reality rather than fantasy and denial, my path became clear and although certainly not easy, stress free or smooth.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I like to think that in 20 years, we'll be one of those couples who married and divorced young, but raised their children together despite being divorced...and someday find they are still so in love that they get remarried (or at least back together) still growing old together.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry this hurts so much.....I remember saying and feeling the same things when I had to split from my addict/alcoholic X. "No one will ever understand me the way he did....." "He knows 1000 times more about me than anyone else ever will....." "I wanted to grow old together......" etc. Those thoughts tore me apart. I really believed they were true, and I felt like dying sometimes.
Imagine my surprise when I later met someone who WASN'T an addict, WASN'T an alcoholic, someone who respected me, cherished me, and thought I was more valuable to him than a bottle ever could be. Funny how it put things into perspective, that that guy who "knew me better than anybody" never really knew me at all. HE WAS JUST THE BEST THAT I KNEW OF AT THE TIME.
And then I had a little help (from a counselor) turning it around: No one will ever know me the way I do. No one could possibly care for me as much as I do. I want to grow old in a happy, peaceful life full of laughing and dancing that *I* do. No one is capable of making me as happy as me.
The illusion that no one will ever love us, need us, treasure us, want us as much as our alcoholics do is the illusion that keeps many of us enslaved. And it's a lie. We are strong, kind, beautiful people and we deserve better than a sloppy, abusive, irresponsible drunk, no matter how perfect we've convinced ourselves he is.
Lilian, I will be here when you come back in a few months or years and tell us that your AH was chump change compared to the riches you've found in life. And I will dance with you then.
Hugs and strength to you -- you will get through this.
Imagine my surprise when I later met someone who WASN'T an addict, WASN'T an alcoholic, someone who respected me, cherished me, and thought I was more valuable to him than a bottle ever could be. Funny how it put things into perspective, that that guy who "knew me better than anybody" never really knew me at all. HE WAS JUST THE BEST THAT I KNEW OF AT THE TIME.
And then I had a little help (from a counselor) turning it around: No one will ever know me the way I do. No one could possibly care for me as much as I do. I want to grow old in a happy, peaceful life full of laughing and dancing that *I* do. No one is capable of making me as happy as me.
The illusion that no one will ever love us, need us, treasure us, want us as much as our alcoholics do is the illusion that keeps many of us enslaved. And it's a lie. We are strong, kind, beautiful people and we deserve better than a sloppy, abusive, irresponsible drunk, no matter how perfect we've convinced ourselves he is.
Lilian, I will be here when you come back in a few months or years and tell us that your AH was chump change compared to the riches you've found in life. And I will dance with you then.
Hugs and strength to you -- you will get through this.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
GL,
What a beautiful post. And so true. I, for one, fell in love with my A's potential, not who he really was at the time. I saw what a truly beautiful human being he "could" be. I ignored the reality that he chose to be someone entirely different. Most A's I have known (including my deceased father) were wonderful people, with major problems. Now I know that there are wonderful people out there without those kinds of major problems.
We've had discussions on this board about how our definition of love has changed after recovery. (Ours, not theirs) For me, and others who have shared about this, love has become more about actions than feelings. How I convinced myself that my A loved me based on his actions, I will never figure out.
L
What a beautiful post. And so true. I, for one, fell in love with my A's potential, not who he really was at the time. I saw what a truly beautiful human being he "could" be. I ignored the reality that he chose to be someone entirely different. Most A's I have known (including my deceased father) were wonderful people, with major problems. Now I know that there are wonderful people out there without those kinds of major problems.
We've had discussions on this board about how our definition of love has changed after recovery. (Ours, not theirs) For me, and others who have shared about this, love has become more about actions than feelings. How I convinced myself that my A loved me based on his actions, I will never figure out.
L
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Oh, Lil. I am so there right now. I am in a new place, moved hundreds of miles away, but still run into things - cards, pictures, even a stupid post-it note that I had crumpled up - "Hi, I was here- love, your hubby." I know he was here - he really used to "be here" for me- and now he's so far away, not even physically but emotionally he just checked out the past few years and wasn't "here" anymore. Won't grow old with me, won't share grandkids with me, won't be "here" for anything, will probably end up in jail or dead.
Givelove, your comments also hit home for me. Thank you. R.
Givelove, your comments also hit home for me. Thank you. R.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by lillianrivers 
'I Wanna Grow Old With You,' is "our" song. I always pictured us as old and wrinkly, sitting on a porch swing watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.
Here's hoping we are all able to echo GiveLove's posting one day.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
GL,
What a beautiful post. And so true. I, for one, fell in love with my A's potential, not who he really was at the time. I saw what a truly beautiful human being he "could" be. I ignored the reality that he chose to be someone entirely different. Most A's I have known (including my deceased father) were wonderful people, with major problems. Now I know that there are wonderful people out there without those kinds of major problems.[...]
L
What a beautiful post. And so true. I, for one, fell in love with my A's potential, not who he really was at the time. I saw what a truly beautiful human being he "could" be. I ignored the reality that he chose to be someone entirely different. Most A's I have known (including my deceased father) were wonderful people, with major problems. Now I know that there are wonderful people out there without those kinds of major problems.[...]
L
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