tejay92630

Just little background, then I need some advice...

I have been married for 11 years and my husband has always been somewhat of a drinker but over the past 6-12 months his drinking has really increased. Now he drinks every single day and has an average of 10-12 beers a night during the week, more on the weekend.

His drinking doesn't affect his job or our finances, he doesn't drink and drive, and he's not abusive. He gets home from work 2-3 hours before me and cracks open a beer the minute he walks through the door. By the time I get home he's half in the bag and ends up going to bed (passing out) by 7:00. On the weekend he starts drinking around 11:00-12:00 and goes to bed around 6:00.

We never go anywhere because he won't drink and drive (has to drive for work, can't risk DUI) so if he can't drink, he won't go, so we only go out if I volunteer to drive. The alcohol is taking a toll on his body and appearance (not to mention what it's probably doing internally) but either he doesn't see it or doesn't care.

I'm tired of this lonely existence and I want my husband back. So I've decided that I'm going to have a talk with him this weekend. Thing is, he's one of these people that has a hard time with criticism and doesn't admit mistakes. So as soon as I start talking about his drinking, I know he'll turn things around on me and start attacking me.

How can I address this with him gently yet firmly, tactfully yet frankly? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

hbb

Glad you found us. Welcome! I'm no expert but in my experience it sounds like your husband is in denial if he's so quick to turn things around on you. Is it possible that he's been drinking like this for a while without you knowing. I do know that it's a progressive disease and gets worse the longer it goes untreated.

You ask about how to address it....with my alcoholic exboyfriend, i told him AA was what he needed to seek or i wasn't the girl for him. I'm not saying it's the same for you as i wasn't married. But you DO deserve an existance in your marriage and a happy life.

Have you gone to any Al Anon meetings? It's great support. Keep reading and posting, and read the stickies at the tops of the forum. Others will be along very shortly.

best

Welcome to SR

No matter how you word things, he will try to turn it around on you.
Don't take it personal...it is a defensive mechanism we use to protect our wanting to drink.
The best words to use... Me, My, our.
The words not to use... you, you, you.
It is the alcohol not him that is the problem.
You are not happy with the alcohol intake in your house.
Don't attack, explain. Explain your displeasure with the alcohol and how it makes you feel.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with Best. Don't tell him what his problems are. Tell him what your problems are. For example, you like going places, doing things. You don't like being the "designated driver" all the time. You want to spend time with your husband when his is coherent. These are just ideas. Use the words that are true for you. But, even so, he will still likely get defensive.

Good luck,
L

tejay92630

Thanks so much for all the support and advice. I highly doubt this will be a fun weekend and I'm not looking forward to our talk but I hope something positive can come from it.

Barbara52

I pray you have more luck at this than I did. Perhaps you will be one of the lucky ones who's A actually listens.

Kindeyes

In our family counseling communication workshops, they suggested that we use "I feel........" instead of accusations.

We also were told to lay down ground rules that we all agreed to before trying to communicate. Such as.....listen carefully and don't interupt when the other person is talking.

These sound like such simple things but communicating correctly is not typical when there is alcohol involved. It's usually accusations followed by defensive behaviors and it gets nowhere.

Good luck. I hope your discussion goes well and that you each listen to what the other has to say.

tejay92630

I had my talk with my AH this weekend. As predicted, it did not go well at all. I thought I was prepared for the backlash, but I was wrong. I did as best I could to stay objective, not point fingers, or lay blame. I remained calm, never raised my voice and didn't cry. He told me if I wasn't happy to leave. He said he didn't even enjoy drinking but was drinking the amount he does BECAUSE OF ME.

He said he could quit drinking any time he wanted, but unless I was prepared to empty every bit of alcohol in the house and quit drinking entirely as well, he REFUSED to quit and "would not have a woman tell him what to do." I asked him if thought the amount he drinks is a problem and if he felt like crap every morning when he woke up. He said yes to both but said he was going to continue to drink as much as possible every day as a show of rebellion toward me.

In response to him telling me to leave if I wasn't happy, I told him the same went for him since apparently I made him miserable enough to feel compelled to drink so much every day. But I explained to him that he was my husband and I loved him and I wouldn't even be having this discussion with him if I wanted either of us to leave. I suggested counseling and he refused.

That was Saturday evening. Sunday morning he barely spoke to me, went to the grocery store and bought another 30 pack of beer even though there were already 22 cans in the refrigerator. The he proceeded to get drunk again last night.

I love my husband and leaving isn't as easy as it sounds, personally, logistically or monetarily. I don't know what to do next...

LaTeeDa

You are living my life four years ago. Word for word. If I wasn't such a cold-hearted b*tch, he wouldn't need to drink. If I wasn't always "on his back about it" he wouldn't need to drink. He could quit any time he wanted, he just didn't want to. He was not going to let me "tell him what to do." I drank, too, so who was I to tell him not to. Quack, quack, quack. (I swear, there is a script somewhere that they all have copies of!)

It took a long time for me to come to the conclusion that I had no control over him. Not only that, but it wasn't my "job" to make him do the right thing. (Right in my eyes, that is)

Once, I actually succeeded in getting him to stop drinking for almost four months. It was horrible. He was angry and bitter every day. He resented me for taking away "the only thing in his life that made it pleasurable." (Never mind having a wife and two beautiful children)

What helped me was a counselor who was experienced with alcohol/codependence issues. Alanon has helped many people on this board as well. My opinion is that it's usually best to step back, take stock, and get some clarity before making any life-changing decisons. Alanon and/or counseling can help with that. It's not easy, but how easy is your life the way it is?

L

hadenoughnow

Oh yeah, heard that one before "I'm a man and I am going to drink if I want", "if you would get off my back I would stop", "if you would have sex with me I would stop", "everyone drinks", "you drink too" quack quack quack. Well now he gets to drink by himself and I don't have to deal with him or listen to such crap anymore (though I did find yet another hidden stash of empty beer cans yesterday, three months after he moved out).

He has shown you what he is going to do, now you need to focus on what you are doing.

tejay92630

LaTeeDa - You said I'm where you were 4 years ago and counseling helped you. If you don't mind me asking, what's the status of your marriage today? And in what way did the counseling help?

I'm not so much miserable or in a difficult position as I am more lonely, bored and frustrated. It's to the point now where I just hope my AH goes to bed early so I don't have to deal with him.

I don't nag him about his drinking (what's the point?) but I find myself disgusted or repulsed by him in his drunken state and I'm afraid if this goes on much longer, even if he does get sober I'll continue to have the same feelings.

best

You did things perfectly.
When he tries to turn it back at you, what is happening in his thoughts...
Can't be me with the problem so it must be you.
My wife bent over backwards trying to do everything she could to fix things...still I had the same attitude. When she became tired of trying to fix what she couldn't, she started to do the same as you are doing now.
You put his issues back in his lap and gave him the respect of saying make your own choices.
By taking care of yourself and letting him deal with his issues is the best thing you can do for the both of you.
When I started making choices for myself (both right and wrong choices) is when I started to have my eyes opened. My choices had me start to learn and then find a path to recovery.
I know it hurts and wish I could stop the hurt but only you can stop the hurt by letting go and letting him deal with his own issues. Your talk has started that and now it is up to him to make choices. He won't like that and may even try to get you to make his choices for him(that way he can blame you rather then himself) As my wife told me when I tried that... "I wil not make your choices for you."
His issues, only he can fix. His choices will help him grow.
Boundaries will keep your space at peace. Use them and take care of you.
It is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

i4getsm

Yes, they all have the same script. I'm sorry he didn't "hear" you. You need to focus on you. Make plans, get out of the house. Start doing things to enjoy YOUR life. You can't wait on him. Maybe he'll see that you are doing stuff and want to join you.

You are not the reason for his anger or his problems. He can try to pin it on you all he wants. As long as you continue to play into it (blaming, accusing, etc.), he will continue to pin it on you. I agree with the others...Alanon or therapist/counselor (that's what I'm doing). Start enjoying your life and don't give him the reasons to look at you with anger. It is a crappy situation to be in, but until he gets healthy (or sad to say you get out), it's the only way to find some happiness and peace.

Gman813

Tejay,

Many know where you are at, myself included. Things weren't "that bad", but bad enough. I spent nearly 3 years trying to get my AW to see that there was a problem. She did all the same things yours is doing...Quack, quack, quack. I would bring it up every 2-3 months, but ultimately I was just wasting my time. It took her nearly loosing her job of 19 1/2 years (full retirement after 20) before she did anything.

Odds are he knows there is a problem but either won't or can't admit it to himself that it's beyond control. I too had no desire to leave my marriage and waited the long wait. Do yourself a favor; find an Al-Anon group you can attend. I never knew about it until she finally made it to rehab and truly wish I had.

Today she is almost 5 months sober, and way ahead of me in recovery. And yes, there is work you need to do as well. I've found that many of the behaviors that help us get through the active period, are very harmful to recovery. Most are learned out of self-preservation, but you'll need to let go for the best results. He doesn't need to be in recovery for you to attend, and it may also encourage him to seek help.

Be prepared for a long road, know that many have traveled before you and have succeeded. There are many discouragements ahead of you and knowing as much as you can will help you get past them.

Good luck to both of you.


_________________________

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

"Into The Fire"
By Bruce Springsteen

sunshine321

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Jenny

LaTeeDa

Status of my marriage today--it is over.

What way did counseling help? Well, in more ways than I can possibly list in a short post, but a few were:

I learned that he is free to choose his own life as an adult.
I learned that by focusing on him and his problems, I lost myself.
I learned that I could have a happy, peaceful life regardless of his choices.
I learned that sacrificing my own happiness in order to "save the marriage" did no one any good--especially my children.
I learned that I have a talent for fixing things, but other people is not one of them.
I learned that life is too short to wait for someone else to "get it."

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that when "I" became the number one priority in my life instead of "we" or "him," things got much, much better.

L

tejay92630

Thanks so much to all of you who have responded and offered support, encouragement and advice.

Your comments really opened my eyes to how I have let my husband's problem take over my life. You brought to my attention that I’ve stopped doing a lot things I used to do just so I can be home with my AH in (futile) hopes of keeping him from drinking. It's obvious that whether I'm home or not he's going to do what he wants.

So I’ve decided I’ll quit skipping the gym after work (haven’t been in well over a month) and I won’t feel guilty and rush through my workout because he's "home alone" and might be lonely. Obviously he doesn't feel guilty about going to bed at 7:00 at night, in essence leaving me home alone and lonely as well.

While that might not seem like much, it's a baby step toward getting back to MY life. I just need to try to keep a positive attitude and not to let him drag me down with him. Hopefully he'll eventually see he needs to address his issues and move forward with me, or he can continue on the dead end path he's on and end up alone.

FormerDoormat

I can take the hard road and wait for someone else to open their eyes, or I can take the easy road and simply open mine.

Like others have already recommended, Alanon, SR, and counseling can be real eye openers.

peaceteach

Each step you take is one towards a more peaceful life, Tejay. The more you allow yourself to get your focus back on you and off of him, the more you will begin to feel whole and healthy. He has to realize HE has an alcohol problem--period. It doesn't matter whether you are present or not, HE will still not be able to drink. You, on the other hand, can choose to spend YOUR time doing things that keep YOU healthy, happy and at peace in your heart. Detaching isn't selfish or unloving, but quite the opposite. Give yourself permission each day to let your husband's problems be his and between him and his higher power. Then make your own daily choices for your own activities. I think the gym is a wonderful start, not little at all

Pick-a-name

A step is all you need. One foot in front of the other is all you need to do;one day at a time.

"Getting Them Sober" suggests just start doing "something nice for yourself at least 15 min. EACH day"....the more I started feeling like I "deserved it", the nicer I started to treat myself again. And the easier the nest time became!

Back to the gym,sounds like a plan! In fact,that is one of the things I have added to my schedule,too! It really helps me feel better,too!!!