Aysha

My week has not been a good one.
Well really it has because I managed to stay sober.
But alot has happened this week that has really put my will to stay clean to the test. That and the will to be the person I am becomeing and not falling back to old behaviors such as aggression.
Tues..I woke up to get ready for work and my grams asks me to go get her cold medicine. I took her temp and it was 104. I thought the thermoeter was not working right. So I took 3 more times and it was still 104.
I flipped out an tried calling ym aunt at work. Well because I freeze in situations like that with my family. It's like I go blank and panic. She didnt answer so I really started to freak out not knowing what to do. We had kids here shewas watching. Thank goodness for my uncle. He came and got the kids and told me to take her to Urgent care. We got there and her temp was 104. Her BP was also 201/86. She was headed for a stroke if it went any higher. They hooked her up to IV and hydrated her and gave her morphine. She leveled out and they told her she has Acute bronchitis. Just a little short of phneumonia. She is doing fine now with the antibiotics and back to her old self.
Yesterday I get a call from a public defender about the case from a whole year ago with the whole missing money from the old job. This **** drove me insane last year. I had to reshedule the last court date in early Jan because I was in treatment. I never heard anything again about it. So I figured maybe it just got thrown out or lost in the shuffle. Its been 5 mos since I heard anything about it. So now it is all coming back to bite me in the ass again. Could be nothing. Could be what I fear. Which is jail time. I dont know. And thats what bugs me. Not knowing. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Also there is a guy that I turned down for cigs at work last week because he had no ID. Tough ****. Until he started disrespecting me and attacking me verbally in a very disrespecful way. Ok..I let that one slide. I am better than that. He comes in this morning buys a coffee and asks for cigs again. Still dont have ID. Sorry cant do it. He pays for his coffee and leaves without sayin anything. I am like cool. MAybe he was just in a bad mood that day. The milk delivery guy goes to leave and asks who threw their coffee all over the floor. It was him. My first reaction was to laugh and think what an idiot. Acting like a little B****. I thought it was funny really. He just bought a coffee to throw on th4e floor acting like a little punk who didnt get their way. Act like a silly B****....your gonna get treated like one. Then I was thinking. He is trying to **** me off. And it di very little. But not really cause it was too funny to me. So I just ler it be known to my job that I dont want that guy in there when I am working. I see i going nowhere but bad in the future. And this is bad to say. But I am not sure if I will be able to keep my composure next time this silly dumbass disrespects me. I know i shuldnt be like that. But I am just being honest. I will try my best. But I cant guarantee anything.
Not to mention the many mistakes I made at work with my paper work.
And the constant freakin pain all over is driving me crazy. It doesnt go away and I dont know what to do. My Dr is like talking to a wall.
Oh boy.. This week is proving to be a true test to my dedication to stay clean.
But I will do it. I have to. I am so sick of running. It is too easy to cop out. And never gets me anywhere but deeper in the BS.
Anyway. Just needed to rant. I do feel better.
Thanks for letting me.

Anna

Hi Trish,

The first thing I would suggest is finding a new dr. If you are talking to your dr about an issue and he doesn't hear you, it's time to move on.

The rest is just life. Stuff happens and we have to get through it. It's really hard to focus on the moment, but sometimes it's all we can do.

I hope your grandma feels better!

Alive

Hey Trish...

Become your best friend, my friend...It's all up to you...

All the best to your family...Proud of you

Tazman53

Trish you saved your grams life and you think you had a bed week?????

Trish for God's sake you saved her life!!!!! You were there clean and sober and as a result you saved your grams!!!

Trish the coffee guy is a punk, if you really want to get his goat if he shows his tail again, just laugh!!!! Nothing burns a punk more then to be laughed at, if you show any sort of anger he has won!

As far as the court deal, just turn it over, do what you need to do.

As others have said about the doctor, get another one. Some doctors may think and act like they think they are God, but they are not, they work for you!!!!

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I'm glad grams is getting better.

As for the public defender...yes, our consequences come back and bite us. The tickets I'm dealing with are from 3 years ago! I thought I was going to jail, too. At least, now, you're clean and clearheaded. You aren't the same person you were a year ago, so maybe you can work things out.

The guy coming in for cigs sounds like a jerk. Unfortunately, we will run into those when we work with the public. I've been cussed out by a coworker, in the middle of our dining room and management did nothing. I was ready to walk out, but really, really need this job, so I didn't. Now, that coworker is like one of my kids. She's young and just had to learn that her behavior doesn't work in the real world. Now when she doesn't go off like she used to she'll ask "aren't you proud of me" and I always tell her I am. There are still some jerks that come in to eat, but I have to wait on them..that's my job. I just remind myself that their attitude does not have to determine mine. I prefer to "kill them with kindness", but if they get out of line, I can have them removed.

I agree with Anna...find another dr. I lucked out and the first dr. I went to is awesome. He knows I'm an addict, but that I also have a ruptured disk in my back, and if it gets to where I need something stronger than Advil, we already have a plan worked out.

I think you're doing great. Life IS going to test us, but each time we get through another hurdle, without using, we get stronger and stronger.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

I see what your sayin Taz. And yes I am very glad I was here and clean to be able to even try to think strait. This isnt the first time I have had to go through somethinglike this with her. I just get frustrated because I freeze up. Like I am stupid or something.
Plus I cant stand to see things like that happen to her. It just makes my fear of her dieing that much worse. I can say it is probably the first time ever I didnt stay freaked out and go hide in in a crack pipe because the anxiety of death overwhelms me. So that is a good thing. But its like someone has to kick me in the ass to get me going because I freeze. Now I have had alot of things happen to me way worse than anything that has happened to her and its like nothing. But with her. I get so over come by fear it makes me panic and then useless.
Yea..Thank God I was here and sober.
My cousin has Lupus and she sometimes has these fainting spells. She like passes out but she says she is conscious and can hear us. But she cant move or open her eyes. The first time I saw that I burst into tears and froze. Good thing my aunt caught her. I dont deal with bad things happening to my family too well.

fallingdown

Wow Chiynita you do have a lot going on. And it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotions like fear for your grandma and the court cases (I don't know where you live but a lot of times you can monitor court cases online to know what's happening or at least call the court to keep on top of it, you don't want any surprises there!) plus you're in pain AND you've got a little bit of anger towards this punk who is messing with you at work. My humble opinion, is the best thing you can do with this guy (if you can't keep him out of the store) is to be very assertive. Not angry, not sarcastic, just get a very "I am not taking your abuse" type of attitude as in, you pull anymore crap and you will not be allowed back in the store. If I see you again, I'm calling the cops." Sounds like he might be taking advantage of the fact that you are at the store alone so he thinks he can act that way. I don't know why but the whole thing sounds just unsettling to me. Look out for yourself!!!

I'm very glad your grandma is okay and I hope today is a better day for you. Take care.

ROFL

(((((Chi))))) You should be VERY PROUD of yourself! Taz is right - you handled your week AWESOME.

You WERE tested and you PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS!!!!!! Congratulations.

kj3880

Chiy,
I think you are doing a fantastic job hanging in there and making good decisions on what to do in all these situations. You're growing up, emotionally. I don't think the your Gram's sickness could have been handled any better than you did. Anyone would be upset with that going on and pain too. The only thing I can suggest is that being somewhat of an expert in the legal thing, you bring your sponsor to court with you along with a record of what meetings you've been to (even a calendar marked on by you is better than no record at all) We had a defendant do that and we dropped all the charges because she was clearly working hard on herself already. Way to go!!!
kj

Daddio

Next time that punk comes in, just let him know that refills are free for spilled cups. Then smile. But have a big stick in the other hand just in case.. Those are just one of life's speedbumps.

In thinking about your Gram. Taz was right on. I cringe to think of the outcome had you not been sober and took all the actions that you did. That, my friend, is hero status in my book. No freeze ups or stupidity that I can see.

On the other stuff - address it all head-on so that you are in control of it. Once you have the power, it looks a whole lotta different.

TGIF y'all. Daddio

Missymae737

Chiy,

You had a good week...You were tested and you passed flying colors!!!

Proud of you...

Tazman53

See Trish, I am not the only one who saw that you were your grams hero, you did what needed to be done when it needed to be done and she is alive and well thanks to YOU!!!!!!

Now I want you to sit down and ask your self this question. "Which gave me a better high, saving grams because I was clean and sober or hitting that F'ing pipe?

nogard

((((((((((((((((((chiy))))))))))))) you are doing so well in recovery and in life, I am so proud of you, big hug to you and your grams ((((((((((((((((((chiy's grams))))))))))))

Thinking of you, it makes me happy watching you get well

Kevin

best

Being tested shows us what we are able to do. If no tests we will never know how much we can handle.
Life happens and God will never give us more then we can handle. If things pass a point that we are out of strength...His strength takes over when we ask.

As for the guy with the coffee... No need to lower yourself to his level. If he wants to show what level he lives on by being disrespectful... just say a prayer for him that he find a better way and continue to laugh as he buys coffee to throw on the ground. *LOL*

This week is showing you that you can do it.

Lily

You are doing awesome! I hope your Grandma gets better quickly! Way to go w/ getting her in.

I pray that mercy is shown you dealing w/ the court thing.

Hope your week is better and that the coffee guy finds another place to shop.

blessings, Sheila

serenityqueen

(((Trish)))

When are you going to stop being so hard on yourself?

Stop being "a Judy!" lol

Like most everyone else said, you very well could have saved Gram's life! But instead of being proud of yourself, you focused on what YOU THOUGHT wasn't quite good enough in the situation. Hon, you reacted very responsibly by taking her temp, and when you had the patience and good sense to double check and make sure the thermometor was working right, you took it again. I think you acted very responsibly by trying to reach your Aunt. And when you weren't able to, I assume you were the one that called your Uncle, right? Then, you waited for him to come and take the kids and then took Grams. How do you think you didn't handle this right? If you really "froze up" the phone calls would have never happened. Ya done good sweetie!

Did anyone see Mr. Coffee intentionally pour it on the floor? Could he have spilled it on accident? If someone saw him do it on purpose, I think the best way to handle this is to not let him know it bothered you. Act like you have no idea there was even any coffee on the floor. I remember when I was younger, my brother would antagonize me and my little sister to the point that we would run screaming and crying to Mom. And Mike sat back laughing his a$$ off. Mom gave us some very good advice, ignore it. She told us that as long as he knew it was upsetting us, he would keep it up. It didn't take long for this behavior of his to stop, because we just ignored it. Believe me, I know it's hard when you're at work, trying to wait on customers, do your job right, keep the money straight, watch for drive offs and you have some moron coming in and acting like he's 12. I worked in customer service for years. I always loved to kill them with kindness, drives people like that crazy! If he tries to buy smokes again, why not say, very sweetly,"Did you forget your ID AGAIN?" Makes him look pretty silly to the other customers. Before your shift starts, get a lid for each size coffee cup and have it under the counter. When he sits the cup down at the register, hand him a lid and smile,"I know you have a hard time not spilling your coffee," and hand him the lid. Makes you look very thoughtful in the eyes of the other customers and he'll get the message. But smile!!! Wish him a nice day!! That's the last thing he's going to want or expect. He wants to know that he has upset you enough to possibly have you sharing how much he gets to you with friends. Hmmmmm. Too bad your store doesn't sell the toddler sippy cups with the lid. That'd be a great thing to suggestive sell to him! lol I'm am so bad.

I know I've rambled on and on, but don't let this guy take up any more space in your head than he already has. He isn't worth it. When you look back on your week, remind yourself of the things you handled just fine. You saved Grams life and you didn't throw a cup of coffee on some fool who let you get him upset enough to pour his hard earned money all over the floor!

You know I love ya, Chiy!
Judy

Aysha

Thanks everyone. I didnt look at it like you guys did at all. I really felt like I wasnt doing too well. But if I look back on past times that these things have happened. I would have been high. I didnt get high. Didnt want to get high. Didnt even cross my mind. And I have money to if I wanted. But I dont.
That right there feel really good and is such a relief to say that and know it is true. For once in my life. I can really say it and mean it.
And as for B**** boy. He will not be able to come in there when I am working. Period. Tough **** for him because we are the only ones in that area. So he only screwed himself. No sweat off my back. I know I have a cig to smoke.
Court..Well..I am not going to get all worked up about that until I find out more about it. That reason alone drove me to the drugs many times last year. And honestly. It is only a petty theft charge with which they have zero evidence. And its been a year. It is dead as far as I see it. I am pretty sure it will just get thrown out. But I dont want to jinx myslef either.
You guys are awesome. Thank you for always showing me what I miss in these times.

BUTTERFLY-7

Hey Girl all I can't say is Sht Happens:rof
weather we are clean or High up things will still Happens
but it's worst when we are so clutter up on Drugs

I learn in Life that we are going to be tested
so we could Grow I said not so long ago in
another of my threads to some one that
I can't change People,situations,or things
I could only change my self and about
what your confronting just find the
solution easy process for complicated people
I know cause when a storm hit my boat
I had 5 options and here there are

a)Look for the dope man
b)whine about it
c)or feel like a victim
d)find the solution
c)and Grow with it

I don't know which ones of these your going to pick
but I have a pretty Good Idea your Going to pick, c) grow with it
Girl don't you see how strong you are
you are a surviver, and only the strong ones survive
I'll be:praying for you and your Grandma
God Bless Girl.

best

Trish,
Want to feel really good about yourself?
No need to answer me but answer your own thoughts.
Did you take something that wasn't your's? Evidence or not, if you make restitution even if the judge says not guilty... Well you would feel good knowing you did the better thing.

serenityqueen

Once again, best has given some really good feedback. I also know that, whether there is evidence or not, if you are guilty of it, own it if it gets that far. You admitted that the entire situation has caused you much grief in the past already. Plus Judges seem to be a little kinder to someone who is honest enough to admit their error in judgement, not to mention dragging a petty theft charge through the courts.

Also brings to mind one of my favorite sayings,

Worrying about tomorrow only drains today of it's strength

God Bless,
Judy