Proof of infidelity or am I terribly naiive?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
Proof of infidelity or am I terribly naiive?
I accidentally posted this on the wrong board; sorry for the X post....
Last night I dropped my blood pressure pill just before I went to bed. I got down on the floor next to the bed to begin looking for it and found a........condom. (not a new one, by the way...) The last time I've used a condom was at least 15 years ago, so I know it's not mine. I was in shock, shaken, confused.
After I thought about it a few minutes, I realized I had to say something, to do something. First, I called our teenager in my room and, without being angry or intimidating, asked her to be honest with me about whether that condom belonged to her. She swears it doesn't; she also swears it doesn't belong to any friends who might have "used" our room. I didn't think it did, but having a teenager in the house, I thought I had to ask, you know.
Next, I asked my AH, who was watching tv with his friend after a long night of drinking to come in our room so I could get his help with something quickly. I wanted to keep the situation non-confrontational as long as I could. I asked him about the condom and he "acted" shocked. He claimed it could be our old friend who house sat for us quite a bit four years ago. I don't think so. I'm a crappy housekeeper, but not that bad. This item couldn't be more than a few weeks old because I've swept and mopped in our bedroom within the last month. Plus, the condom wasn't in a deteriorated condition that would indicate it was years old. Then he suggested maybe his good friend had met his girlfriend in our home for a tryst and went to ask him about it. Good friend claimed it wasn't his. Well, they are adults, so I can't imagine why they would need to use our home when they each have homes of their own. Then AH tried to turn the tables to me and ask me if it belonged to me. My response was that I would have simply thrown any of my evidence away rather than accuse him with it. Before turning away and dismissing the entire event, AH told me I could have it DNA tested. Well, that's laughable since I have neither the funds, access, nor expertise of CSI, and I told him so. He walked off to watch tv seemingly unconcerned about the entire situation. Me, on the other hand, had a hard time sleeping all night long.
If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, how much more proof does she need? Does she need to see him physically cheating for it to sink in or what? I'm just really confused. Our entire marriage, I always believed AH could never cheat. He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater. I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. Plus, I don't know if I want more "proof" or not. I work regular hours and he doesn't, plus we have dogs that act as the best alarm sytem/doorbell ever, so it's not like I could ever "sneak" up on the house. Comments? Opinions? Suggestions? Been there, done that? I need to hear what you've got....
T
Last night I dropped my blood pressure pill just before I went to bed. I got down on the floor next to the bed to begin looking for it and found a........condom. (not a new one, by the way...) The last time I've used a condom was at least 15 years ago, so I know it's not mine. I was in shock, shaken, confused.
After I thought about it a few minutes, I realized I had to say something, to do something. First, I called our teenager in my room and, without being angry or intimidating, asked her to be honest with me about whether that condom belonged to her. She swears it doesn't; she also swears it doesn't belong to any friends who might have "used" our room. I didn't think it did, but having a teenager in the house, I thought I had to ask, you know.
Next, I asked my AH, who was watching tv with his friend after a long night of drinking to come in our room so I could get his help with something quickly. I wanted to keep the situation non-confrontational as long as I could. I asked him about the condom and he "acted" shocked. He claimed it could be our old friend who house sat for us quite a bit four years ago. I don't think so. I'm a crappy housekeeper, but not that bad. This item couldn't be more than a few weeks old because I've swept and mopped in our bedroom within the last month. Plus, the condom wasn't in a deteriorated condition that would indicate it was years old. Then he suggested maybe his good friend had met his girlfriend in our home for a tryst and went to ask him about it. Good friend claimed it wasn't his. Well, they are adults, so I can't imagine why they would need to use our home when they each have homes of their own. Then AH tried to turn the tables to me and ask me if it belonged to me. My response was that I would have simply thrown any of my evidence away rather than accuse him with it. Before turning away and dismissing the entire event, AH told me I could have it DNA tested. Well, that's laughable since I have neither the funds, access, nor expertise of CSI, and I told him so. He walked off to watch tv seemingly unconcerned about the entire situation. Me, on the other hand, had a hard time sleeping all night long.
If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, how much more proof does she need? Does she need to see him physically cheating for it to sink in or what? I'm just really confused. Our entire marriage, I always believed AH could never cheat. He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater. I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. Plus, I don't know if I want more "proof" or not. I work regular hours and he doesn't, plus we have dogs that act as the best alarm sytem/doorbell ever, so it's not like I could ever "sneak" up on the house. Comments? Opinions? Suggestions? Been there, done that? I need to hear what you've got....
T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
...what i do know is you sound so very sad and i wonder if your current circumstances are in any way still acceptable to you?
Ask yourself two things:
1) If you were able to find out it was truly AH, what would you do?
2) If you were able to find out it was NOT AH, what would you do?
You mention AH is a wife beater. Are you safe? Please take care of YOU. I'm worried about how beaten down you seem in your post. (((HUGS)))
ever closer...
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 361
If he is a cheater he may not even remember the event. Not that that is an excuse but black outs are just that. I am an alcoholic (recovering) and have found myself flirting way to much at times. The attention from the op sex just seemed so great. Luckily i always had a friend to pull me back. In a black out i sure wouldn't put it past myself to cheat. I always felt my husband didn't really understand me. We still have our issues now but at least now I remember them all.
I don't know if this helped any
I don't know if this helped any
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
I don't know .... with a teenager in the house and an active alcoholic in the house....who knows who it belongs to.
Keep your eyes and ears open, follow your gut it tells you more than you realize and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
Also, just to be safe, if you haven't have THAT talk with your teen. You don't need an unplanned pregnancy on top of everything else.
Keep your eyes and ears open, follow your gut it tells you more than you realize and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.
Also, just to be safe, if you haven't have THAT talk with your teen. You don't need an unplanned pregnancy on top of everything else.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
My gut tells me that it belongs to my AH. I think my teen would tell me the truth. I would not die or totally overreact if I found out she were sexually active, but I would expect her to behave responsibly. (I'm sure others would disagree with me on this, but please don't turn this into a debate on premarital sex or parenting.) She and I have a good relationship; she knows what's going on between her father and I; she knows what's at stake in a situation like this. With all of that, I feel like she would tell me the truth.... So, I think it's his... Can't prove it, can't know for sure, but feel it in my gut. Now what to do about it? I want to know who and when and for how long. I know I might never know those things, but I want to know them. Any suggestions, advice?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by i4getsm
Ask yourself ....
1) If you were able to find out it was truly AH, what would you do?
2) ...
You mention AH is a wife beater. Are you safe? Please take care of YOU. I'm worried about how beaten down you seem in your post. (((HUGS)))
What we would want to do and what we are willing to do can be two different things.
Things I have found... teens can lie almost as good as an alcoholic and for the same reasons...to cover up a mistake or to hide their shame.
Is the opportunity there with your work hours vs his?
Is the opportunity there for teens to be using your room?
You can question things till you make yourself sick.
So back to the above question...when you find the answer of what you are willing to do, you will find the path you should be on.
Taking care of yourself. Looking out for what is best for you.
Figuring out what you are willing to put up with but most important...
Finding out just how much you are worth. No one is worth the need to take abuse. You are worth so much more then that.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I want to know who and when and for how long. I know I might never know those things, but I want to know them.
It doesn't matter what your husband is doing or with whom. What matters is why do you settle for so little? Is this the example you want to set for your young daughter who will soon be choosing a life partner for herself?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It's been many years since I was a teenager, but I have to say the absolute last place on earth I would have had sex was mom and dad's room. 
L
L
Still though, no matter who did what... What would you be willing to do about it? What is acceptable in your space to help you stay at peace inside?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I have complete and total empathy for where you are right now. I have been there (except the condom was in the pocket of his jacket).
Once you decide or have confirmation that it's him, go to SurvivingInfidelity.com. You will find all the support and guidance you need to handle this trauma. For me, the betrayal of infidelity was worse than AH's relapses/disease of alcoholism. But that's just me.
Take care of your Self.
Once you decide or have confirmation that it's him, go to SurvivingInfidelity.com. You will find all the support and guidance you need to handle this trauma. For me, the betrayal of infidelity was worse than AH's relapses/disease of alcoholism. But that's just me.
Take care of your Self.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
I am working on an appointment with an attorney next week, just waiting for him to call me back and let me know the day/time. I'm trying to schedule it so it will not be immediately obvious to AH what I'm doing as I don't know yet if a protective order will be needed and that sort of thing. I'm also just trying to wrap my head around all of it. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back that I needed, the thing to jolt me into action since I always said it was my dealbreaker. I just never thought it would happen to me and I feel like such a pathetic dolt for even saying that aloud....
T
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
I know I should have left long ago.
The physical abuse, in and of itself, should have ended the marriage long ago. But we had a small child and little money and I had lots of excuses. When I finally had a job, I gave him an ultimatum, and the physical abuse ended but after ten long years of marriage plus our three years of dating. Yes, I'm aware of just how stupid that all sounds, how irrational it is. Now, almost 9 years after the ultimatum, I find that I still haven't forgiven him for the physical abuse and still don't trust him to not start it up at any time. That's part of the emotional scarring I will probably always carry from this relationship. That's my baggage. So, in a way, we are physically safe....until I file for divorce I fear.
Still don't think the condom belongs to teen, but I could be wrong. The thing is that AH has made it all out to be a huge joke among all of his friends. He told his secretary, his best friend, the guy he's out drinking with now, and God knows who else. To him, it's funny. I think that he believes making it a joke minimizes it somehow, makes me think it must be something or someone other than him. Instead, it makes me suspect him even more. I know that if my spouse found a used condom in our bedroom and believed it implicated me in an affair that I would be desperate to somehow prove to that person, who I supposedly love after all, that I wouldn't do such a thing. The last thing I would do would be to make light of it for the benefit or entertainment of others. He has suggested it's the guy replacing our heat/air unit right now, the guy who remodeled our kitchen last month, even someone who came in off the street to randomly have sex in our house. Crazy!
When I told my best friend about what had happened, her first reaction was that she was shocked, but she immediately pointed to a possible relationship between my AH and his secretary or to a possible affair with one of his friends who we know is bisexual. On the one hand, the secretary makes sense, but is hurtful because she has pretended to be my friend for at least seven years and has even gone on vacations with us. She is at our home frequently with AH, and it's quite possible this has been going on for a long time. On the other hand, if he's involved in a relationship with a man, that opens up a whole other can of worms. I guess it shouldn't make a difference, but each scenario worries me in different ways and both break my heart.
I am working on an appointment with an attorney next week, just waiting for him to call me back and let me know the day/time. I'm trying to schedule it so it will not be immediately obvious to AH what I'm doing as I don't know yet if a protective order will be needed and that sort of thing. I'm also just trying to wrap my head around all of it. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back that I needed, the thing to jolt me into action since I always said it was my dealbreaker. I just never thought it would happen to me and I feel like such a pathetic dolt for even saying that aloud....
T
The physical abuse, in and of itself, should have ended the marriage long ago. But we had a small child and little money and I had lots of excuses. When I finally had a job, I gave him an ultimatum, and the physical abuse ended but after ten long years of marriage plus our three years of dating. Yes, I'm aware of just how stupid that all sounds, how irrational it is. Now, almost 9 years after the ultimatum, I find that I still haven't forgiven him for the physical abuse and still don't trust him to not start it up at any time. That's part of the emotional scarring I will probably always carry from this relationship. That's my baggage. So, in a way, we are physically safe....until I file for divorce I fear.
Still don't think the condom belongs to teen, but I could be wrong. The thing is that AH has made it all out to be a huge joke among all of his friends. He told his secretary, his best friend, the guy he's out drinking with now, and God knows who else. To him, it's funny. I think that he believes making it a joke minimizes it somehow, makes me think it must be something or someone other than him. Instead, it makes me suspect him even more. I know that if my spouse found a used condom in our bedroom and believed it implicated me in an affair that I would be desperate to somehow prove to that person, who I supposedly love after all, that I wouldn't do such a thing. The last thing I would do would be to make light of it for the benefit or entertainment of others. He has suggested it's the guy replacing our heat/air unit right now, the guy who remodeled our kitchen last month, even someone who came in off the street to randomly have sex in our house. Crazy!
When I told my best friend about what had happened, her first reaction was that she was shocked, but she immediately pointed to a possible relationship between my AH and his secretary or to a possible affair with one of his friends who we know is bisexual. On the one hand, the secretary makes sense, but is hurtful because she has pretended to be my friend for at least seven years and has even gone on vacations with us. She is at our home frequently with AH, and it's quite possible this has been going on for a long time. On the other hand, if he's involved in a relationship with a man, that opens up a whole other can of worms. I guess it shouldn't make a difference, but each scenario worries me in different ways and both break my heart.
I am working on an appointment with an attorney next week, just waiting for him to call me back and let me know the day/time. I'm trying to schedule it so it will not be immediately obvious to AH what I'm doing as I don't know yet if a protective order will be needed and that sort of thing. I'm also just trying to wrap my head around all of it. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back that I needed, the thing to jolt me into action since I always said it was my dealbreaker. I just never thought it would happen to me and I feel like such a pathetic dolt for even saying that aloud....
T
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
makeachange, it doesn't matter what you "should" have done. The past cannot be changed. What does matter is what you do going forward. Don't beat up on yourself for past actions or inaction. That doesn't help and can harm. (hugs)
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
((((((((((((((((((((((((( T ))))))))))))))))))))))))
Man I can soooooo relate....for 22 years I always said over and over and over....My AH is alot of things but NEVER a liar and NEVER a cheater.
I couldn't have been more wrong.....shoot even the kids knew it before I did. (teenagers)
He never showed any signs at all of cheating....not in his schedule or behavior. Except he did seem to be distant somewhat more than usual. I have been a very frequent reader and poster on SurvivingInfidelity.com for a long time now and that site has helped me deal and wrap my mind around the cheating end of my XAH's affair. (Who he married 4 days after our divorce was final. Read my history.....it isn't pretty hun. But what it was and is is REAL. None of us ever asked to be treated in this fashion but somehow it just ended up that way. We actually did it to ourselves by settling for so much less than what we all deserve. Because when push comes to shove....they are only doing what addicts do. You just remember the 3 C's and go on with YOUR life. You can't live his for him. He may be making you the butt of his jokes right now.....but he will have his consequences soon enough. Stand strong and stand straight.
Janitw
Man I can soooooo relate....for 22 years I always said over and over and over....My AH is alot of things but NEVER a liar and NEVER a cheater.
I couldn't have been more wrong.....shoot even the kids knew it before I did. (teenagers)
He never showed any signs at all of cheating....not in his schedule or behavior. Except he did seem to be distant somewhat more than usual. I have been a very frequent reader and poster on SurvivingInfidelity.com for a long time now and that site has helped me deal and wrap my mind around the cheating end of my XAH's affair. (Who he married 4 days after our divorce was final. Read my history.....it isn't pretty hun. But what it was and is is REAL. None of us ever asked to be treated in this fashion but somehow it just ended up that way. We actually did it to ourselves by settling for so much less than what we all deserve. Because when push comes to shove....they are only doing what addicts do. You just remember the 3 C's and go on with YOUR life. You can't live his for him. He may be making you the butt of his jokes right now.....but he will have his consequences soon enough. Stand strong and stand straight.
Janitw
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by best
Guess you were not a rebellious teen.
Back to the topic, I agree that lamenting the past is not helpful. I've made many mistakes. It's what you do today that matters. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by makeachange
AH told me I could have it DNA tested. Well, that's laughable since I have neither the funds, access, nor expertise of CSI, and I told him so.
DNA test as close as your local drugstore
Headline reads: DNA TEST AS CLOSE AS YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE
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