Jewelz

You see it seems that the only relief I may have is when I come to SR. Its like finally YES people understand me!

I've been a part of this site for about 3 years now and I am so disapointed that I am still here even though I love this place.

I dont even know how I even thought this time may be different... I ask myself this all the time havent I learned my lesson already and how many times does the lesson need to repeat before "I finally get it". I could say anything about him and what will it actually mean... hes doing what addicts do.... but what about me? I am doing the same old thing but I dont have an addiction to blame.

You see we went on a family vacation to puerto rico. Before we went he was using regulary SP for a little over a year. WE went out there and we had such a great time! We came home and for a week he didnt use but the following week he did about 2 or 3 times. He started working and stayed clean for three weeks on his own, with money in his pocketand was able to save over $500 in that period.... that was a complete first for him I never saw that in him in the past. I guess it gave me false hope, something to wish for and to believe... cause within this past week of the relapse I see all the same patterns coming.

I came home from work today and knew something was wrong. I just knew he got high. He had court this morning, and then had to go to work at 3pm. So I call him and asked him if he used before he went to work. he said he did... now hes proud of himself that he was able to go to work after getting high and not blowing it off.

While to me it seems his addiction is getting worse... to actually get high before work and work like that with beer and drugs in your system.

I dont know these are my thoughts... and I guess opinions and once again I am using SR as my diary so I dont completely flipped out when he gets home tonight.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((jewelz)))

It seems like it's a hard week around here. I'm sorry you're feeling this way!

itisatruth

(((Jewelz)))

I wish I could write something that would help you find peace right now. I wish I could tell you that everything will be alright. Don't get me wrong, I believe with all my heart that WE can be better, that happiness is in our near future. But life with an active addict is so unpredictable and scary sometimes.

I guess the best thing I can say is that I'm here for you on SR and right there with you in your situation.

Tomorrow is a new day for YOU and I truly hope it will be a better day. Try to get some rest and/or get your mind off of it all if you can. I know its not always easy, but even something little might help.

helpus

(((Jewelz))) I am sorry that your husband is using again. That is out of yur hands. You need to focus on yourself. What is SP?

greeteachday

Jewelz, Sending some hugs...I'm sorry things haven't changed. I can't really imagine being able to successfully detach from active addiction if my partner was using and in the same house with me. I know it is possible; I know people in the program who have, but I just don't think I could.

Sounds like a good idea to stay close, keep focusing on you and the little ones. I find being away from recovery makes me slip in my thinking, so I have to be attentive and not slip on meetings. The more I surround myself with my program, the more I can practice it routinely rather than struggle.

I know you have a strong sense of faith too, so don't forget your HP is walking with you. Listen to his quiet message and don't be afraid to ask for help. Hugs and prayers

cinderellawkids

Im ahving the same thoughts. Ive grown so much but feel like Im starting back over. This week Im reworking step one cause for today I cannot accept powerlessness and part of me doesnt want to.

cece1960

((((Jewelz)))
When you've had enough you will know...and you will grow.
We're walking with you hon
((((Hugs)))

bookmiser

((((((((Jewelz)))))))))

Just prayers, sweetie.

SailorKaren

I am new to SR, and the depth of it all is occupying much of my free time. So let me say I have not had time yet to study your past posts, and I may therefore say something dumb...

For you to have been here so long, and to have stayed with your AH to this point without going off the deep end, tells me that you have grown tremendously, and you continue to grow right through this last incident. I have great respect for those who make the choice to work hard and stay with an active, or even at times, a recovering addict. No one would fault you for throwing in the towel. But you press on, and I think that level of extraordinary love has a healing impact on the planet at many levels. I feel sure, without seeing your past story, that you made good decisions to stay, with loving intent for yourself and your family. Yet each day is a new day; every new decision on his part, may result in a new decision by you. So take heart, keep growing, share your thoughts with us, decide to stay with him -- or not. I celebrate you for walking the journey with us, and being the inspiration that you are.

Cupicake

Hey Jewelz....
I'm still here and I'm divorced. This work we do on ourselves never stops...I realized. I take my breaks from SR but I always find my way back. Even if we remove ourselves from the addict's world...(I haven't completely cut my exah from my life...you know my story)...we have our own issues to battle with. My biggest issue then and still is now - -I am a codie. Being a codie is why we get stuck sometimes.
I believe you have to identify your inner-codie in order to break out of it. I've been at it for a year and I still exhibit some of the old behavior but the difference now is that I recognize it before it gets too far.
Be patient with yourself Jewelz. It's not easy but it is worth it. Keep the focus on you.

Done_With_It

Ahhh sweetie, You have grown... You should try not to measure your growth on your reactions, decisions about someone else only, because I think inside and in many areas you have grown in miles.
Don't discount yourself too much...
JMO
:ghug3

Done_With_It

I thought this was a good read... I thought of you, esp. at the end...


Doing Today's Recovery Today

by Carmen Renee Berry

Reproduction in any form without the express written permission of the author is prohibited.

This evening I trudged up the steps to my condo, weary and resentful of the work that still needed to be done. Sorting through my mail I saw a hand-addressed envelope amongst the bills so I opened it first..

A woman had recently read my book "When Helping You Is Hurting Me" and graciously took the time to let me know how my insights encouraged her to take better care of herself. A sad smile came to my lips as I read her kind words. "I'd like to write her back and thank her," I thought, "but I'm so over-committed and busy helping others in their recovery that I just don't have the time."

Excuse me?

I've never been a big fan of Freud's, but I do wish he had been right about one thing - that insight was sufficient for change. To paraphrase Dale Ryan, if intellectual understanding could fix me, I'd be all better by now. In fact, I had enough insight into my addiction over ten years ago to write a book about the subject. And it would have been a very insightful book, if do I say so myself.

But living our recovery is altogether different than waxing eloquent about the problem. Insight comes easily to me. So, unfortunately, does slipping back into my addictive helping and workaholism, especially when my addiction is disguised as "recovery ministry." I remember one week several years ago in which I drove for an hour to give an all day seminar to child protective services workers on how to prevent burnout and take better care of themselves. The next day I drove an hour in the opposite direction to give two back-to-back workshops for mental health professionals on how to prevent burnout and take better care of themselves. I woke up early the next morning to catch a plane to northern California to present a workshop to a state-wide convention of city officials on how to prevent burnout and take better care of themselves. A cab was waiting outside the workshop door to whisk me off to the airport so I could fly out of state in time to give a keynote address on . . .yes, you guessed it, how to prevent burnout and take better care of ourselves.
I Have Changed.

I've been in recovery for nine years last Spring, a journey that has been more painful and more rewarding that I ever imagined. The changes, both internally and externally, have been tremendous and real.

I am more attune to my body's signals of stress and distress than I was prior to my first burnout in 1985. Rather than blame my body for migraines, sleepless nights or loss of appetite, I now recognize these body-experiences are God's way of trying to get my attention.

I know how to nurture myself better through many avenues including massage, drawing, prayer, quiet walks, journaling, country western dancing and music.

I have a more supportive community of friends and colleagues who love me enough to confront me when I'm over-doing it and nurture me when I'm depleted.

I have a faith in a God who loves me, not merely as "an instrument" or an object used for some so-called higher good - a God who loves me just the way I am because I am a person of value.

I realize that I am not perfect. The changes I've experienced are real, but I am still in process. And I am kinder to myself when I make mistakes or fall back into my addictive pattern.
Yesterday's Change Won't Keep Me Sober Today

As I look at my enormous "to do" lists, groan over the unreturned phone calls, apologize for another missed deadline and explain to my friends why I can't see them until the middle of next month, I have to acknowledge that I will always be susceptible to the addictive process. I don't always live out all of the insight I have, nor do I always take advantage of the wealth of support God provides for me. I do not like it when my personal addictions rise from the ashes to threaten my serenity yet again. At times I fear that I've not made any real changes at all.
The truth is, however, I have changed. I am a healthier person battling similar problems.

Because I made positive choices yesterday, doesn't protect me from making mistakes today. I continue my process of healing, acknowledging the gains made and the woundedness remaining. My hope comes not from the illusion that I am fixed, but from the rich relationship I have with God. Every day I have the wonderful and terrifying opportunity to turn my life over to God who is the perfecter and finisher of my faith.

Reproduction in any form without the express written permission of the author is prohibited.

mooselips

Ahh Jewelz...YOU have grown!
You may be standing to close to see it in yourself, but believe me when I say how much you have grown over this time period.

And, as for still being here, well, heck, even if my addicts were clean and sober, and living the great life, I'd still be here! because this is for ME. It helps in my everyday life, teaches me what's important and what's not.

You're growing Jewelz, everyday you are.


Hugs,

greeteachday

So true. My daughter is doing very well and has been for quite awhile. But I need to stay in my program and practice it daily because it makes a wonderful change in my life and makes me a better person.

Ladybugg

I have been gone from my marrige for awhile but i am still here, SR reminds me of how it was and how it can be. I think that is important because i was in a really dark place that i don't want to ever return to. Maybe you stay because you still believe and you think that there is a chance that he will get it together. Sometimes I wish I was there still believing that my husband would emerge and the person he had become would go away and never return. Then I realized that it was never going to happen and that was a very sad time in my life. The man I knew and loved with everything in me was and is gone. To truly "accept" that was a long process and still I wish I didn't have to, but for me I just knew it was over. Addiction sucks, it does. I am just thankful that I still value life enough to be able to live mine and try to make the best of it no matter what...that is what I get from SR.

lightseeker

Jewelz,

I hate this for you. One thing that I have learned at SR is that addiction is a chronic relapse disease. You have grown - a ton. It's clear by all that you post. But you are still human with hopes and dreams. The emotions that you are feeling are completely normal. They are guideposts to what the next right thing to do is for you and your kids. When I've down and out I try and get to more meetings, stay in touch with program friends, and really use the steps. The roller coaster of hoping and then those hopes being dashed is demoralizing and disheartening. It is easier to "do recovery" better when our loved ones are in a better state. I, too, know people that are able to maintain it in the same house with an active addict but I've not been able to do that. Living with a sober addict is difficult enough. I don't know what the answer is but I do know that HP and your recovery will help you to do the next right thing for you. Each time you hit a bump you know what to do to take care of yourself. Remember the poem about stepping into the same hole when you keep going down the same street? Finally, you begin to step around it and then eventually, find a new street. It just takes time.

Thoughts and prayers sweet one

Jewelz

Thank you all to each who replied. I am sorry I didnt reply back to each of you but I want to thank all of you. Every reply I read had me thinking, and taking it in. I dont know quite yet what I am going to do but I do know I wont let myself get trampled on so to speak.

I want a better life but I hate that I want it with him. I am asking myself a question though is going through all this BS worth it if it means getting hurt over and over again just waiting for him to snap out of it. Its like the same old story once again. I love the man thats with out a question and in his own ways I could see how he is trying to hold on but its not enough for me. But I also know I am not ready to make him go. I am so tired of this...

But thank you all and I really appreicate everything you all had to say to me..

Jewelz

lightseeker

Sweetie -

I so understand all of what you wrote. You sound tired and so I know that is a great time to rest and do some self-care to the best of your ability. When you feel stronger you will know what to do. Try and rest and just be still. I'm not ready to throw in the towel with my husband either....much to the disgust of my family (now I have that to deal with as well)....but I don't want to continue like it has been. The only path that isn't blocked is the one that guides me to taking care of myself. It's too painful not to take those steps that I have to take to do just that. I've never been one for good self care nor boundaries. It all just takes time.

Be gentle on yourself and know that you are not the only one with the same sort of feelings. We are only human.