update...hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
update...hope
I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. Things have been rough, and time and privacy have been scarce.
Sunday the 3rd, the proverbial **** hit the fan. I had set boundaries since my A's relapse began--first, no car privileges (my car) and, second, I changed the PIN on my debit card (he'd used it to run out to the store before the relapse and had been given the code at that time). Both were measures I took to protect the household from losing our only transport or money needed to pay the bills--AND to protect myself (my car, my account)--should things spiral out-of-control. The car thing was a constant battle. He felt I was "punishing" him for taking it to get coke "once".
On the Sunday, I picked him up from work since I was out running errands. When he got to the car, he asked to use the debit card to get a movie. I said I'd go in and get it. He said it would be quicker for him to run in. SO, for the first time, I had to tell him I'd changed the PIN. He got MAD. I tried to explain why (mistake one). He wasn't having any of it. He stopped talking to me and, when we got home, dragged out a bottle of wine that I'd had before he even moved in and started drinking. He blared music at top volume (which he knows I hate) and just played on the computer, getting drunker and drunker. Then, he went up to the comedy club (he's a comic and hangs out there a lot) and kept drinking.
He came home about 11:30pm and I heard him on the phone "...yeah, see there's all these al-Anon people online feeding her this stuff about 'boundaries' and she has no idea. She doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. She doesn't want a battle of wills with an alcoholic." I walked in the room and he got off the phone. I just said, "I changed the code to protect the money for our bills." He said, "yeah, right" and left the room.
I followed and tried to continue the conversation (mistake two). I was trying to make him see reason (mistake three). He was nasty, cruel, abusive (not physically--that's not an issue), and delusional. Kept talking about this stuff I was "doing online"--meaning this group, which he's never ever looked at--and how I was treating him like a second class citizen, didn't treat him like an equal, blah, blah, blah. I kept on trying to discuss, knowing it was a stupid thing to do. Finally, the light dawned, and I just told him I was done. I wanted him to go. He said he couldn't leave right then, but would call someone in the morning and make plans to move out. I said fine.
I went to bed, got up in the morning, and went to work. He was out cold on the couch. I left work early because I just couldn't function. I was fuming. I hoped he'd be gone when I got home.
He was, but only to work. I had two text messages..."Love you" and "sorry". The next one came in saying "Do you want me to move out?". I replied, "I'm not sure what I want, right now, but I know I never want another night like last night." That was true. Part of me really wanted him to just go...to get out and leave me in peace. Another part didn't...I can't even say why. Mostly, I think I just hated to do that to his daughter (she lives with us), who is just starting to feel secure here. A few minutes later he called. He asked if I was OK. I said "no". He then proceeded to say something sane. He said he was completely out-of-line the night before, that I hadn't done anything wrong and that he lost it. He also said I didn't deserve any of what he'd laid on me. Finally, he said he had only ever known "chaos and destruction", but wanted to break the cycle and just didn't know how.
We talked a bit more. Mostly him. I made myself clear. Nothing like that could ever happen again. Period. His choices were his, but mine were mine...and mine was that I wouldn't live like that, so something would have to change. He also said that he really did need to feel like an equal member of the partnership. I simply said that if he wanted equal say, he had to play an equal role and take equal responsibility. He had to participate as a husband, a father, and a member of the household. He got very quiet for a few moments. Then said he had to get back to work and we'd talk more later.
A week went by with little incident. We didn't talk more. We got along OK. I was fairly quiet. He was pretty quiet, too.
Forward to two days ago...He has the day off and $40 in his pocket. He was supposed to have a show up in Indianapolis that night, but wasn't sure he was going to be able to coordinate transportation. I talked to him in the AM. He sounded fine. His daughter came home from school and called me to see about a ride for a school thing. She said he wasn't home. I tried to call him, and I got no answer.
I came home, and his daughter said he'd come home but then gone back out to the coffee shop. I tried to call, again. No answer. I messaged. No reply. I was pretty sure, at this point, he wasn't at a coffee shop.
I took her to her school thing. When we got back, he was home. His daughter found him curled up in bed. He told her to ask me to come in and said for her to go upstairs. I walked in and he just broke down. I saw the burns on his thumbs and knew that he'd finally gone and done what I figured was coming--he'd gone back to his DOC: crack. He spent the $40, then stole something of mine and pawned it for more money.
Strange thing was, I wasn't mad. I didn't lose it. Just sat there and let him go on-and-on. He was sobbing, saying this stuff was going to kill him, saying he wanted to die because it was just too hard to stay clean. I just sat with him, nodded, didn't say too much. Then, he started saying how he thought he could handle this on his own--even though all the signs told him that was wrong--he kept denying those signs--but he couldn't do this. I nodded.
He said he "had to go back" (meaning a program). He promised he'd call his old sponsor the next morning and go to a meeting "tomorrow". I nodded.
He left the room and came back. He said, "Do you think I should call my sponsor now?" I said nothing. He said, "yeah...I should, before I talk myself out of it." And, he did. He told me not to listen in (of course), but before I got out of the room, I heard "Hi, this is _____. I'm calling because I thought I could handle my life on my own, but now I know I need help." I've never heard sweeter words.
He talked for a long time, he went to a meeting the next morning. He sat down to dinner with us last night. He acted like a human being. He went to another meeting today. He went to the pawn shop and got my property back.
It's still early...I know that. I'm not doing the pink cloud thing...
He is saying things that give me some hope, though. He's said this time he feels like he's choosing this. He also said that he feels like when he came here and tried the program here (he'd been doing it somewhere else for a long time), and didn't like it, he wasn't looking for the right thing. He was looking to replace his recovery friends, not looking for recovery.
So, that's it, really. I am officially back in a relationship with a "recovering addict", at least for today
Wish us both luck.
Sunday the 3rd, the proverbial **** hit the fan. I had set boundaries since my A's relapse began--first, no car privileges (my car) and, second, I changed the PIN on my debit card (he'd used it to run out to the store before the relapse and had been given the code at that time). Both were measures I took to protect the household from losing our only transport or money needed to pay the bills--AND to protect myself (my car, my account)--should things spiral out-of-control. The car thing was a constant battle. He felt I was "punishing" him for taking it to get coke "once".
On the Sunday, I picked him up from work since I was out running errands. When he got to the car, he asked to use the debit card to get a movie. I said I'd go in and get it. He said it would be quicker for him to run in. SO, for the first time, I had to tell him I'd changed the PIN. He got MAD. I tried to explain why (mistake one). He wasn't having any of it. He stopped talking to me and, when we got home, dragged out a bottle of wine that I'd had before he even moved in and started drinking. He blared music at top volume (which he knows I hate) and just played on the computer, getting drunker and drunker. Then, he went up to the comedy club (he's a comic and hangs out there a lot) and kept drinking.
He came home about 11:30pm and I heard him on the phone "...yeah, see there's all these al-Anon people online feeding her this stuff about 'boundaries' and she has no idea. She doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. She doesn't want a battle of wills with an alcoholic." I walked in the room and he got off the phone. I just said, "I changed the code to protect the money for our bills." He said, "yeah, right" and left the room.
I followed and tried to continue the conversation (mistake two). I was trying to make him see reason (mistake three). He was nasty, cruel, abusive (not physically--that's not an issue), and delusional. Kept talking about this stuff I was "doing online"--meaning this group, which he's never ever looked at--and how I was treating him like a second class citizen, didn't treat him like an equal, blah, blah, blah. I kept on trying to discuss, knowing it was a stupid thing to do. Finally, the light dawned, and I just told him I was done. I wanted him to go. He said he couldn't leave right then, but would call someone in the morning and make plans to move out. I said fine.
I went to bed, got up in the morning, and went to work. He was out cold on the couch. I left work early because I just couldn't function. I was fuming. I hoped he'd be gone when I got home.
He was, but only to work. I had two text messages..."Love you" and "sorry". The next one came in saying "Do you want me to move out?". I replied, "I'm not sure what I want, right now, but I know I never want another night like last night." That was true. Part of me really wanted him to just go...to get out and leave me in peace. Another part didn't...I can't even say why. Mostly, I think I just hated to do that to his daughter (she lives with us), who is just starting to feel secure here. A few minutes later he called. He asked if I was OK. I said "no". He then proceeded to say something sane. He said he was completely out-of-line the night before, that I hadn't done anything wrong and that he lost it. He also said I didn't deserve any of what he'd laid on me. Finally, he said he had only ever known "chaos and destruction", but wanted to break the cycle and just didn't know how.
We talked a bit more. Mostly him. I made myself clear. Nothing like that could ever happen again. Period. His choices were his, but mine were mine...and mine was that I wouldn't live like that, so something would have to change. He also said that he really did need to feel like an equal member of the partnership. I simply said that if he wanted equal say, he had to play an equal role and take equal responsibility. He had to participate as a husband, a father, and a member of the household. He got very quiet for a few moments. Then said he had to get back to work and we'd talk more later.
A week went by with little incident. We didn't talk more. We got along OK. I was fairly quiet. He was pretty quiet, too.
Forward to two days ago...He has the day off and $40 in his pocket. He was supposed to have a show up in Indianapolis that night, but wasn't sure he was going to be able to coordinate transportation. I talked to him in the AM. He sounded fine. His daughter came home from school and called me to see about a ride for a school thing. She said he wasn't home. I tried to call him, and I got no answer.
I came home, and his daughter said he'd come home but then gone back out to the coffee shop. I tried to call, again. No answer. I messaged. No reply. I was pretty sure, at this point, he wasn't at a coffee shop.
I took her to her school thing. When we got back, he was home. His daughter found him curled up in bed. He told her to ask me to come in and said for her to go upstairs. I walked in and he just broke down. I saw the burns on his thumbs and knew that he'd finally gone and done what I figured was coming--he'd gone back to his DOC: crack. He spent the $40, then stole something of mine and pawned it for more money.
Strange thing was, I wasn't mad. I didn't lose it. Just sat there and let him go on-and-on. He was sobbing, saying this stuff was going to kill him, saying he wanted to die because it was just too hard to stay clean. I just sat with him, nodded, didn't say too much. Then, he started saying how he thought he could handle this on his own--even though all the signs told him that was wrong--he kept denying those signs--but he couldn't do this. I nodded.
He said he "had to go back" (meaning a program). He promised he'd call his old sponsor the next morning and go to a meeting "tomorrow". I nodded.
He left the room and came back. He said, "Do you think I should call my sponsor now?" I said nothing. He said, "yeah...I should, before I talk myself out of it." And, he did. He told me not to listen in (of course), but before I got out of the room, I heard "Hi, this is _____. I'm calling because I thought I could handle my life on my own, but now I know I need help." I've never heard sweeter words.
He talked for a long time, he went to a meeting the next morning. He sat down to dinner with us last night. He acted like a human being. He went to another meeting today. He went to the pawn shop and got my property back.
It's still early...I know that. I'm not doing the pink cloud thing...
He is saying things that give me some hope, though. He's said this time he feels like he's choosing this. He also said that he feels like when he came here and tried the program here (he'd been doing it somewhere else for a long time), and didn't like it, he wasn't looking for the right thing. He was looking to replace his recovery friends, not looking for recovery.
So, that's it, really. I am officially back in a relationship with a "recovering addict", at least for today
Wish us both luck.
Last edited by cen616; 05-15-2008 at 06:01 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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(((cen616)))
I am so sorry for all of the chaos you have gone through and I swear I read each word and felt they could have been my own. Addiction is so cunning. So many times I have seen my AH in the fetal position devestated that once again his addiction kicked his A**!!! Unfortunately for me that is as far as mine ever got to getting help! Just take each day as it comes or each moment you have. I know you are hoping for his recovery so bad just to have "normality" and I know it is such a bumpy road. Just stick to your boundaries and stay strong. He will blame you at first when he uses- such as the excuse that you changed the pins- as you should- but when he uses it is his choice. We all have control of our emotions and actions. We are all responsible for the choices we make.
I hope you continue to have good days and continue to work your own recovery!!!
I am so sorry for all of the chaos you have gone through and I swear I read each word and felt they could have been my own. Addiction is so cunning. So many times I have seen my AH in the fetal position devestated that once again his addiction kicked his A**!!! Unfortunately for me that is as far as mine ever got to getting help! Just take each day as it comes or each moment you have. I know you are hoping for his recovery so bad just to have "normality" and I know it is such a bumpy road. Just stick to your boundaries and stay strong. He will blame you at first when he uses- such as the excuse that you changed the pins- as you should- but when he uses it is his choice. We all have control of our emotions and actions. We are all responsible for the choices we make.
I hope you continue to have good days and continue to work your own recovery!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Cen)))
I think you did pretty darn good. Yes, you had a few steps back to the "old way" but you quickly realized them and changed how you responded.
I truly hope he sticks with recovery. As a recovering crack addict with 14 months clean, I am amazed, every day, at how much better my life is. Oh, I still have legal and financial problems from my using days, but thanks to the great people here, I'm taking care of them as a responsible adult.\
I see you going into this with eyes wide open and a toolbelt full of recovery tools.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you did pretty darn good. Yes, you had a few steps back to the "old way" but you quickly realized them and changed how you responded.
I truly hope he sticks with recovery. As a recovering crack addict with 14 months clean, I am amazed, every day, at how much better my life is. Oh, I still have legal and financial problems from my using days, but thanks to the great people here, I'm taking care of them as a responsible adult.\
I see you going into this with eyes wide open and a toolbelt full of recovery tools.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
I do hope he sticks with his recovery, too. I know it's an enormous help to me to hear from recovering crack addicts on this board--it helps me believe it CAN be done (not that it WILL be done, of course, but that it's possible).
For that matter, my own A gives me that hope. Before I knew him, he was in recovery. He was clean and sober for about 2 and a half years. He relapsed for a few months, then met me. He was clean (not so much sober) for our first 7 months together...not working a program after the first couple of months but, at least, abstaining for another 5.
I know relapse can be part of the process. Going through it for the first time was very, very hard. The worst part is watching someone you love pursue self-destruction...knowing you can't stop it or interfere or "make it better". It is a bumpy road, for sure. I don't know if recovery will "take" this time, but he definitely is making his own choice to try, which is a big positive. I'm trying hard to focus only on what happens today.
Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts.
For that matter, my own A gives me that hope. Before I knew him, he was in recovery. He was clean and sober for about 2 and a half years. He relapsed for a few months, then met me. He was clean (not so much sober) for our first 7 months together...not working a program after the first couple of months but, at least, abstaining for another 5.
I know relapse can be part of the process. Going through it for the first time was very, very hard. The worst part is watching someone you love pursue self-destruction...knowing you can't stop it or interfere or "make it better". It is a bumpy road, for sure. I don't know if recovery will "take" this time, but he definitely is making his own choice to try, which is a big positive. I'm trying hard to focus only on what happens today.
Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
Once again, you've said out loud what's in my head. I am definitely watching the picture with the sound off. What he actually DOES is all that matters now. I will remain alert.
One thing he said on that night he decided to "go back" was that he had some fear because he knew his whole life was going to change. I imagine that is really scary and hard, even if you know it's a change for the better.
One thing he said on that night he decided to "go back" was that he had some fear because he knew his whole life was going to change. I imagine that is really scary and hard, even if you know it's a change for the better.
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