Boundary Crossed

Old 05-15-2008, 05:28 PM
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Boundary Crossed

My 19yo daughter is not an A (as far as I know, she has had binges) she is deifnitely bulimic. She's been back home after being kicked out for 6 months after agreeing to my boundaries, one of which was if she still had an eating disorder, she would get treatment. She's only been home for 5 days and I just found an entire container of cheesecake bites gone and vomit on the toilet seat. Doesn't take a genius to know what happened.

I'm really bummed, but honestly not surprised. I was really hoping it would be different. We have cut off all financial assistance to her. We had paid her school, insurance and bought a new car(I sold mine and now drive hers). We are now providing just a roof over her head and obviously food.

So now what? She's gone tonight, but do I say tomorrow, "Where would you like to get treatment?" Her insurance expires end of June since she dropped out of school. I know this is the forum for families of A's, but this is also an addictive disease. It has just as many horrible side effects for the sufferer's health. In extreme cases it could lead to death. I don't know if I should just tell her to clean up her mess in the bathroom and give her one more chance or play hardball. Well I'm going to run to an Alanon meeting right now. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
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Old 05-15-2008, 05:44 PM
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whatnow2:

i'm hesitant on this one because i'm just not familiar with bulimia. But you did make a very clear boundary. To just make her clean it up and "give her one more chance" is music to the addict's ears. I say play hardball by giving her the choice of going into treatment or living somewhere else. And if she decides its going to be treatment, it has to be as quick as possible....

IMHO

PS - sounds like you got some good recovery going -
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Old 05-15-2008, 05:56 PM
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The BIG question is what are YOU willing to do/inforce now that she has broken this boundary. I think your daughter's bulimia is exactly like what we deal with our A's. You are right on with the boundary, but I'm not sure what your consequence will be. What do you want it to be? So now you know she's binging/purging. (Same as any family member finding out their A is active.) Do you kick her out? Do you tell her she must pay X amount for food? Does she use your phone or car at any time? Could you withdraw that priviledge?

As I'm sure you are reading, you know that the only person who can decide to go for treatment is your daughter. All you can do is protect you. I cannot imagine having to make these choices with your own child. I will pray that she decides to get the help she needs. I would actively encourage her to seek treatment. I was bulimic for a couple of years back before I had kids. I was able to stop by myself, but there are still times when I think how great it would feel to purge (sounds insane but it does feel "good" when you are in that space).
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:04 PM
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Thank you for your replies.

I did follow through with this boundary the first time I made her leave our home. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried every night for a long time, praying she was ok. So she knows I will make her leave.

I think what I'm struggling with the most is what I've learned from Alanon and SR is that I can not make her get help. Even if she got help because I made her, she may just go through the motions. I want her to want to get better but I can't make her want to get better.

I think for now, I will change my boundaries to be that I don't want her illness to effect the rest of the family in any way(I have 3 other children). I will tell her she must clean up after herself(I know this is a given) and I don't want any one in our family to hear or see her unhealthy behavior. And for now, hope she gets help. We have taken every thing away from her. She is not insured by us so can't drive our cars and she has her own cell phone which she pays for. She is responsible for ALL of her bills including health insurance as of June. If she gets into a situation she can not afford she will suffer the consequences.

I am prepared that this living arrangement my not work, we'll see how it goes and I'll keep praying.
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Old 05-15-2008, 10:05 PM
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****{Whatnow}}}

I've had an ED most of my life, either Ana or B or both.
Yesterday I had 2 1/2 years off no purging (no meth, & no cutting)
(there is hope)
I was never a binger, but I never kept any food down, so I was always sick (physically)
So I can relate to both of your frustrations..

It took me many many years of therapy, in patient, etc.
to get a grip. I totally hear what you are saying about the health dangers.
I do personally think ED's are a whole different monster than drugs.
You don't have to do drugs, or drink ever again, but you always will
have to eat, put the thing you hate and fear most in you to live.
There were so many times, I just did not think I was ever going to be able to come to terms with that, death for me was easier than to keep food
inside me. And that struggle in my head alone, made me feel so helpless...

Have you ever checked out the something fishy site for parents? I'm on the site for people w/ED's but they have a whole separate forum for Family Members... I have never been on it, it's only for Family Members, but I hear it is good.

BTW, I think you are doing great w/your boundaries and rules.. :ghug2
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