I need some help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I need some help
Ironically, I am posting on the alcoholic forum about my daughter instead of the substance abuse forum about my son. Gaaaaa! My 21 year old daughter, in college, just called me to say she was arrested last night for a public intoxication. She and a friend from home who was visiting evidently got cuffed and taken to jail. I couldn't speak. I stopped the conversation after that. When I was silent, she said, "Aren't you going to yell at me or say anything?" and I said, nope, it's your deal. I just couldn't talk with her anymore after that, didn't want to hear any details, nothing. I did say that it's a pretty serious alcohol situation when you get so drunk that you don't know what you are doing (she is VERY aware that alcoholism is BIG in our family). She said she planned on taking the appropriate steps in dealing with that, that she was really sorry, etc. I just had to go at that point, and am trying to do as many "detachment" activities as I can. Do you think that's the right thing to do, honestly? I feel like I could burst into tears if I allowed myself to go there or feel sorry for myself and say oh woe is me, now every member of my family is an addict, but I know that's a waste of energy and emotion and will accomplish nothing. But I also don't want to kid myself that I'm not really hurting right now. What to do? Maybe just processing this by writing is a good step. I'd like someone to suggest something for a good approach to my thoughts right now. I love this girl so much, as I'm sure all of you love yours, and she's got a lot on the line with her major and now this charge. She's pretty independent and successful. I think that I should be allowed to not be involved in this situation. I don't want to know the in's and out's of all she will have to comply with or have to pay for any of it. That's fair, right? She knows what I've been through with her alcoholic father and drug-addicted brother. I did go down two years ago when she got a minor consumption at a party and pay her court costs.
Is it best to let her handle this completely on her own and just say "not interested" or do I have to get myself all wrapped up in this (again) and make it my business? She did not ask me for anything, just said she was sorry. I feel pretty selfish about hanging up, but I've read tons on this subject and know that I need to stay detached from it for my own sake and for hers, to let her face her own consequences.
Damn, this just sucks big time. I didn't see it coming and put a little too many eggs in my daughter-basket. I feel disappointed, which I know isn't the exact emotion I should be feeling. I just don't know/can't remember what it is I should do right now, even with all my experience and reading.
I think I'll pray. Anybody have any good prayers for me to recite tonight?
**Okay, now I'm editing/adding. She called back to try and tell me about it. I asked her if she was trying to make it sound better than it was? She said, no, I'm not trying to minimize it. I just wanted you to know what I know.
I then was able to tell her that I really didn't want to have to handle this for her, that everything I've read for my whole life tells me it's very important to let her face her own consequences and deal with the repercussions. And that I love her and will listen to how she deals with it. But that it was just too hard for me right now to talk about it (again, but I love you very much). She said she would handle it.
Is it best to let her handle this completely on her own and just say "not interested" or do I have to get myself all wrapped up in this (again) and make it my business? She did not ask me for anything, just said she was sorry. I feel pretty selfish about hanging up, but I've read tons on this subject and know that I need to stay detached from it for my own sake and for hers, to let her face her own consequences.
Damn, this just sucks big time. I didn't see it coming and put a little too many eggs in my daughter-basket. I feel disappointed, which I know isn't the exact emotion I should be feeling. I just don't know/can't remember what it is I should do right now, even with all my experience and reading.
I think I'll pray. Anybody have any good prayers for me to recite tonight?
**Okay, now I'm editing/adding. She called back to try and tell me about it. I asked her if she was trying to make it sound better than it was? She said, no, I'm not trying to minimize it. I just wanted you to know what I know.
I then was able to tell her that I really didn't want to have to handle this for her, that everything I've read for my whole life tells me it's very important to let her face her own consequences and deal with the repercussions. And that I love her and will listen to how she deals with it. But that it was just too hard for me right now to talk about it (again, but I love you very much). She said she would handle it.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
I think I'll pray. Anybody have any good prayers for me to recite tonight?
In Your hands I place her.
If she asks for help... the best help would be guide her to a place she can find answers. As for bailing them out with money...as minors, we did. Once they crossed the line of an adult(18 years old) Once was all, no second time. You play, you pay.
As for giving her a loan... we have done that and demanded that every penny gets paid back (first time it happened)...second time...no loan.
What you feel she will handle. You know her better then we do. Don't offer her a hand out but do pray on things before saying yes to any thing.
Mom can you, will you?...I need think on it... I will get back to you.
Most important though... You say it...follow through.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
((((((((((peaceteach))))))))))))))
your writing is so, honest, clear and from the heart and something tells me you will be guided every step of the way through this journey with your daughter.
In reading what you shared I see this is not her first time running into overconsumption of alcohol. So, it could become a pattern and could progress before it gets better, and, as you are very well aware, there is no way of controlling the outcome.
The best you can offer her and yourself is the best you can do, one day at a time. For today, you are doing really great. You are aware of your own needs and the fact that you have options in how you respond.
It may be wise for both of you to have a conversation soon, in which you outline for her what you see going on, what you fear, what you hope for and what she can expect of you in terms of continued involvement or not. It doesnt need to be heavy. Just a good communication, open, from the heart and firm. Treat her with dignity and like an adult.
And then continue with your life.
(let it go)
(pray)
sending you love.....
your writing is so, honest, clear and from the heart and something tells me you will be guided every step of the way through this journey with your daughter.
In reading what you shared I see this is not her first time running into overconsumption of alcohol. So, it could become a pattern and could progress before it gets better, and, as you are very well aware, there is no way of controlling the outcome.
The best you can offer her and yourself is the best you can do, one day at a time. For today, you are doing really great. You are aware of your own needs and the fact that you have options in how you respond.
It may be wise for both of you to have a conversation soon, in which you outline for her what you see going on, what you fear, what you hope for and what she can expect of you in terms of continued involvement or not. It doesnt need to be heavy. Just a good communication, open, from the heart and firm. Treat her with dignity and like an adult.
And then continue with your life.
(let it go)
(pray)
sending you love.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
You've gotten good replies so far. I would also ask her if she might be interested in attending an Alanon meeting with you. That way she's more involved on your side of the fence, ya know? And she might get a lot out of it too.
As for prayers, my constant prayer these days is for the Lord to guide my way and give me strength. I also like the line from Best that you place your daughter in His hands.
I really have no idea how parents of A's handle all of this. I really think it's much easier with a spouse because at some point, I'm okay with letting them go. KWIM? But...a child...wow. All I can say is I am praying that you have guidance and strength. (((HUGS)))
Edited to add: I would offer her mental and emotional support (you're still the mom and can offer hugs/love/etc.) but I would make her pay all of the fees and do whatever else comes along as a consequence. JMO.
As for prayers, my constant prayer these days is for the Lord to guide my way and give me strength. I also like the line from Best that you place your daughter in His hands.
I really have no idea how parents of A's handle all of this. I really think it's much easier with a spouse because at some point, I'm okay with letting them go. KWIM? But...a child...wow. All I can say is I am praying that you have guidance and strength. (((HUGS)))
Edited to add: I would offer her mental and emotional support (you're still the mom and can offer hugs/love/etc.) but I would make her pay all of the fees and do whatever else comes along as a consequence. JMO.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Good For You
You did absolutly the right thing,
paying the fiddler is what SHE has to do.
don't cushion her fall, don't borrow her money, and don't
go to court. serenity prayer
She is now writing her own story, and that is where
her lesson is. My daughter has 7 yrs of sobriety now,
and all I ever aloud myself to do was pull her car out of the ditch.
You did absolutly the right thing,
paying the fiddler is what SHE has to do.
don't cushion her fall, don't borrow her money, and don't
go to court. serenity prayer
She is now writing her own story, and that is where
her lesson is. My daughter has 7 yrs of sobriety now,
and all I ever aloud myself to do was pull her car out of the ditch.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((Peaceteach)))
"It may be wise for both of you to have a conversation soon, in which you outline for her what you see going on, what you fear, what you hope for and what she can expect of you in terms of continued involvement or not. It doesnt need to be heavy. Just a good communication, open, from the heart and firm. Treat her with dignity and like an adult."
I say ditto to the above posted by miss communicat. That's very wise advice.
Before you're able to gather all your skills and get to the rational calm voice you may have to express or live with the intense emotions for a bit. I wouldn't stop yourself from crying. Just have a post-crying plan. Like - I'm gonna cry from now until 10:15 and then I'm gonna take a fast walk around the block/barn/neighborhood and let it go for tonight. I have found, for me anyway, unexpressed tears lead to some weird emotional buildup that feels very ANXIOUS. When I cry, afterwards I feel a very real calm.
I think all the emotions you described, disappointment included, are completely understandable. All feelings are OK - it's behavior we have to take a good honest look at and be mindful of. I've been at it a while now in recovery from co-dependecy, and I've been able to change a lot of my behavior. But, I still struggle with anxiety, fear, and sadness in relation to the A's in my life - and I fear (quake!) for the very situation you are describing when my sons get older...they know our family history, but that doesn't stop people as we know...nothing stops people but themselves. Back to the first step, again!
As far as prayers - I mean the oldies are goodies - the serenity prayer usually eases my anxiety, and the prayer of St. Francis (Lord make me an instrument of thy peace...). I was raised Catholic and have always loved Mary. I don't practice any religion now, but I definitely pray and I still say the rosary - it is so soothing - as soon as I pick up the beads it calms me. I dedicate it to specific people or groups of people, or anyone who needs a prayer. Repeating the Hail Mary over and over is so calming. I've pretty much made her into my hp/dream mother! Tonight I will remember you and your daughter!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
"It may be wise for both of you to have a conversation soon, in which you outline for her what you see going on, what you fear, what you hope for and what she can expect of you in terms of continued involvement or not. It doesnt need to be heavy. Just a good communication, open, from the heart and firm. Treat her with dignity and like an adult."
I say ditto to the above posted by miss communicat. That's very wise advice.
Before you're able to gather all your skills and get to the rational calm voice you may have to express or live with the intense emotions for a bit. I wouldn't stop yourself from crying. Just have a post-crying plan. Like - I'm gonna cry from now until 10:15 and then I'm gonna take a fast walk around the block/barn/neighborhood and let it go for tonight. I have found, for me anyway, unexpressed tears lead to some weird emotional buildup that feels very ANXIOUS. When I cry, afterwards I feel a very real calm.
I think all the emotions you described, disappointment included, are completely understandable. All feelings are OK - it's behavior we have to take a good honest look at and be mindful of. I've been at it a while now in recovery from co-dependecy, and I've been able to change a lot of my behavior. But, I still struggle with anxiety, fear, and sadness in relation to the A's in my life - and I fear (quake!) for the very situation you are describing when my sons get older...they know our family history, but that doesn't stop people as we know...nothing stops people but themselves. Back to the first step, again!
As far as prayers - I mean the oldies are goodies - the serenity prayer usually eases my anxiety, and the prayer of St. Francis (Lord make me an instrument of thy peace...). I was raised Catholic and have always loved Mary. I don't practice any religion now, but I definitely pray and I still say the rosary - it is so soothing - as soon as I pick up the beads it calms me. I dedicate it to specific people or groups of people, or anyone who needs a prayer. Repeating the Hail Mary over and over is so calming. I've pretty much made her into my hp/dream mother! Tonight I will remember you and your daughter!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Peace, I love how you handled this...there is power in your recovery. The way I see it, your journey with your son and husband have prepared you well for this journey with your daughter. You have all the tools you need, and once you have given your heart the time to grieve, you will be able to stand tall and strong ,an example wisdom and truth for her, but detached with love. You know the way.....
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
The 3 C's hun........
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it...
Only SHE has the power.....she rules her own destiny.
As a mother myself - yes - we desperately need to help our children but there comes a time when we have to cut the apron strings and let them fall...only in this way will learn to get back up on their own.
Guide her ?? Yes....pay for it?? Nope. She is on her own. You can do both of these with alot of love in your words and in your heart.
Janitw
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it...
Only SHE has the power.....she rules her own destiny.
As a mother myself - yes - we desperately need to help our children but there comes a time when we have to cut the apron strings and let them fall...only in this way will learn to get back up on their own.
Guide her ?? Yes....pay for it?? Nope. She is on her own. You can do both of these with alot of love in your words and in your heart.
Janitw
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
She is not asking for anything except maybe an ear to listen.
How great that you resisted rescuing, fixing, preaching, , etc.
You don't have to do anything except stay in your own recovery and share from that perspective.
This has to be TOUGH to see your girl be struck by alcohol abuse.
Uh oh, not again. Try to stay in the Now and don't go too far into worry + fear.
You can be there for your daughter w/o shielding her from the consequences which
are the only things that may modify behavior.
You have the skills, the strength the love. This too shall pass.
But ouch. I know this is a heartache.
Your sharing how you processed this news is awesome.
How great that you resisted rescuing, fixing, preaching, , etc.
You don't have to do anything except stay in your own recovery and share from that perspective.
This has to be TOUGH to see your girl be struck by alcohol abuse.
Uh oh, not again. Try to stay in the Now and don't go too far into worry + fear.
You can be there for your daughter w/o shielding her from the consequences which
are the only things that may modify behavior.
You have the skills, the strength the love. This too shall pass.
But ouch. I know this is a heartache.
Your sharing how you processed this news is awesome.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
PT
I'm in a similar situation so I can truly understand your pain, disappointment, concern, and confusion. As you know, my 26 year old son is an alcoholic and drug user who is currently in recovery (I hope he's in recovery--he says he is--I don't check up on him). My daughter is 21 and in college close to graduating. She is working for a wonderful company based in Seattle and has a bright future with them. She has the world by the tail but she has had some recent issues with alcohol that cause me great concern (but luckily not with the law).
Since I am in such a similar situation to yours, I can only hope that if anything happens with my daughter, I handle it as well as you did.
gentle hugs
I'm in a similar situation so I can truly understand your pain, disappointment, concern, and confusion. As you know, my 26 year old son is an alcoholic and drug user who is currently in recovery (I hope he's in recovery--he says he is--I don't check up on him). My daughter is 21 and in college close to graduating. She is working for a wonderful company based in Seattle and has a bright future with them. She has the world by the tail but she has had some recent issues with alcohol that cause me great concern (but luckily not with the law).
Since I am in such a similar situation to yours, I can only hope that if anything happens with my daughter, I handle it as well as you did.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: where there's sun, sea and me
Posts: 38
Just sending my support Peaceteach. You gave me some kind words when I really needed them. I am new to this thing but I hope that everything works out and that you receive the guidance and insight that you seem so good at providing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Peace,
To deal with my feelings about things I couldn't control, I learned a kind of prayer/meditation through my work around buddhism called "metta" or "loving kindness." It's a way of sitting with what you feel, and sending your feelings out to another person, the world, even yourself. So for your daughter, for example, you might really focus on sending these kinds of thoughts over the cosmic airwaves:
I send loving kindness to my daughter.
May she be free from sadness and anger.
May she be free from sickness.
May she be free from all suffering.
May she be happy and free...free from pain, free from difficulties.
May she be well and happy and strong.
May she be at peace.
Repeat it for yourself. Repeat it for the world, for people you don't even know. It is always a powerful thing for me (though sometimes I cry; that's okay too.)
You are doing exactly the right things externally, Peace, god bless you. Perhaps this will give you some inner peace with your decisions.
Love and hugs and all the respect in the world
GL
To deal with my feelings about things I couldn't control, I learned a kind of prayer/meditation through my work around buddhism called "metta" or "loving kindness." It's a way of sitting with what you feel, and sending your feelings out to another person, the world, even yourself. So for your daughter, for example, you might really focus on sending these kinds of thoughts over the cosmic airwaves:
I send loving kindness to my daughter.
May she be free from sadness and anger.
May she be free from sickness.
May she be free from all suffering.
May she be happy and free...free from pain, free from difficulties.
May she be well and happy and strong.
May she be at peace.
Repeat it for yourself. Repeat it for the world, for people you don't even know. It is always a powerful thing for me (though sometimes I cry; that's okay too.)
You are doing exactly the right things externally, Peace, god bless you. Perhaps this will give you some inner peace with your decisions.
Love and hugs and all the respect in the world
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You guys are just so awesome and filled with kindness and love. Your words helped me immensely the other day in staying grounded and detached, but still with love. I can't thank you all enough for the responses and appreciated very much the heavy hitters sending good vibes and prayers of serenity. My brain just took a nose-dive for a second; I honestly couldn't remember the serenity prayer even. But I knew to stop immediately, and avoided any codie panic. That is a really good sign for me-LOL! Hopefully I'm not kidding myself or stuffing feelings by NOT going the crying route.
My daughter was home this weekend, spent some time with her recovering A father, and some time with me. We had good talks, lots shared, I listened to her thoughts and did not react with negativity, but with affirmation, if that makes sense. She took herself to court and spoke with the prosecutor on her own about a deferral and classes. The jail was scary and dirty and she sat in a chair for 14 hours crying. She will borrow the money and pay it back this summer by working. I would like to believe that this was a "scared straight" experience for her, but am well aware of the progressive nature of alcoholism and our family history. I will allow her the dignity of writing her own story, as I've read here at SR. I had plenty of SR wisdom going round in my head. Thanks all!
She doesn't like the idea of detachment very much, afraid that her actions will cause her loved ones to be "cold" to her. I tried to explain about loving but detaching from someone's choices and consequences.
We also talked about recognizing messages from God, and how when we don't listen he sometimes smacks us hard on the head with a big sledgehammer
My daughter was home this weekend, spent some time with her recovering A father, and some time with me. We had good talks, lots shared, I listened to her thoughts and did not react with negativity, but with affirmation, if that makes sense. She took herself to court and spoke with the prosecutor on her own about a deferral and classes. The jail was scary and dirty and she sat in a chair for 14 hours crying. She will borrow the money and pay it back this summer by working. I would like to believe that this was a "scared straight" experience for her, but am well aware of the progressive nature of alcoholism and our family history. I will allow her the dignity of writing her own story, as I've read here at SR. I had plenty of SR wisdom going round in my head. Thanks all!
She doesn't like the idea of detachment very much, afraid that her actions will cause her loved ones to be "cold" to her. I tried to explain about loving but detaching from someone's choices and consequences.
We also talked about recognizing messages from God, and how when we don't listen he sometimes smacks us hard on the head with a big sledgehammer
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