and the manipulation continues...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
and the manipulation continues...
AH tells me that he wants me to stay with my parents for awhile until I decide whether this is what I really want. Well I dont want to stay with my parents so Im adament that Im not going to. He wants me to stay in the same town but I dont know if that is possible either. Then when I tell him that I am going to apply for assistance he tells me he doesnt want his kids living on welfare. I am in school and about to start the program in the winter quarter. I REFUSE to stop going to school because he doesnt want the kids on welfare. Heck if he would not have made it so hard for me to work I would still be working. But I couldnt rely on him to get up with the kids and also keeping the kids on Sundays was not only to much on his nerves, but it cut into his Sunday off time.
I have to say that I am proud of myself for standing up for what I want and the way I want to be treated. My friend and I have been planning a trip for awhile. Well Ah seems to think that married women dont go on trips with out their spouses. I know plenty that do, but because that is how his mother is that is how he is expecting me to be. Not gonna happen in this life time. I also told him that I dont even know what I like anymore. I need to find what I like and want. I'm just tired of feeling smoothered. I keep letting a little more out to him at a time.
I have to say that I am proud of myself for standing up for what I want and the way I want to be treated. My friend and I have been planning a trip for awhile. Well Ah seems to think that married women dont go on trips with out their spouses. I know plenty that do, but because that is how his mother is that is how he is expecting me to be. Not gonna happen in this life time. I also told him that I dont even know what I like anymore. I need to find what I like and want. I'm just tired of feeling smoothered. I keep letting a little more out to him at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
When my STBX quacks about "what he wants" I just remember where doing what he wanted got me. Nowhere except emotionally wrecked, mentally drained, and nearly financially ruined.
Who cares what his ism wants, what do YOU want.
Who cares what his ism wants, what do YOU want.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by hadenoughnow 
When my STBX quacks about "what he wants" I just remember where doing what he wanted got me. Nowhere except emotionally wrecked, mentally drained, and nearly financially ruined.
Who cares what his ism wants, what do YOU want.
Who cares what his ism wants, what do YOU want.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
He doesn't want the kids on welfare, because they will come back at him for the money eventually, lol
You go girl. If you qualify and it sounds like you will, then you will also get paid child care for when you are in school or at a part time or full time job.
Just his tough luck.
And yes, he is just QUACKING, lol just picture the big white AFLAC duck as soon as he opens his mouth to say anything and you will do great!!!!!
Good for you!!!
Love and hugs,
You go girl. If you qualify and it sounds like you will, then you will also get paid child care for when you are in school or at a part time or full time job.
Just his tough luck.
And yes, he is just QUACKING, lol just picture the big white AFLAC duck as soon as he opens his mouth to say anything and you will do great!!!!!
Good for you!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sunny Fla
Posts: 112
wish he'd quit,
It sounds like you know what you want to do. Stay strong and do what is right for you.
My AH used to have the same views on spouses taking separate vacations. I don't know if he still feels the same. Probably. After being married for 13 years and realizing he didn't like me to take these trips because of his own insecurities, I decided that was a silly reason to deprive myself. I now do a girls only trip every year and love every minute of it.
It sounds like you know what you want to do. Stay strong and do what is right for you.
My AH used to have the same views on spouses taking separate vacations. I don't know if he still feels the same. Probably. After being married for 13 years and realizing he didn't like me to take these trips because of his own insecurities, I decided that was a silly reason to deprive myself. I now do a girls only trip every year and love every minute of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Please don't quit school. Keep going.
Get assistance. Don't be too proud. You paid taxes, right? You've helped others who needed a helping hand. Now it's your turn.
You're making a better life for your children, and especially for yourself.
Look into scholarships. (FastWeb: Scholarships, Financial Aid and Colleges) look into gov't programs. Anything and everything you can get your hands into. Fill out applications. Money is out there that goes unused. Find it. Talk to your school's FOUNDATION office (or scholarship office.) They can help.
STAY STRONG!!!
:ghug3
Get assistance. Don't be too proud. You paid taxes, right? You've helped others who needed a helping hand. Now it's your turn.
You're making a better life for your children, and especially for yourself.
Look into scholarships. (FastWeb: Scholarships, Financial Aid and Colleges) look into gov't programs. Anything and everything you can get your hands into. Fill out applications. Money is out there that goes unused. Find it. Talk to your school's FOUNDATION office (or scholarship office.) They can help.
STAY STRONG!!!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Very familiar
I remember the time when my AXBF told me I had to quit school to get a job because we had no money (the crack I didn't know he was doing was expensive I guess!!)...he had no problem sitting on his A$$ while I busted mine!
I knew it was wrong then but I just thought he was being a jerk (which he was) I never forgot that. When I finally graduated he looked at my diploma and flatly said "cool" I always felt he was jealous and did not want me to do anything that would make him look worse. Of course I would never come out and say that...the world would have exploded!
I was put on disability and had to go for food stamps. He would not help me and would not go with me. Told me he did not want to be claimed on the form because he was afraid the Govt would come and take away his GUITARS!!!
He acted above it all and I felt so ashamed. When I got the food stamps and bought the groceries he ate most of them and bitched because I didnt buy anything that he liked. This was how I lived for so long. I dont know why or how. I hope you dont stay in the position your in. The manipualtion is awful. If I had a place like SoberRecovery to come to then I would never have stayed as long as I did.
Good luck and stay strong. You already have a head start becasue you KNOW it is manipulation.
I knew it was wrong then but I just thought he was being a jerk (which he was) I never forgot that. When I finally graduated he looked at my diploma and flatly said "cool" I always felt he was jealous and did not want me to do anything that would make him look worse. Of course I would never come out and say that...the world would have exploded!
I was put on disability and had to go for food stamps. He would not help me and would not go with me. Told me he did not want to be claimed on the form because he was afraid the Govt would come and take away his GUITARS!!!
He acted above it all and I felt so ashamed. When I got the food stamps and bought the groceries he ate most of them and bitched because I didnt buy anything that he liked. This was how I lived for so long. I dont know why or how. I hope you dont stay in the position your in. The manipualtion is awful. If I had a place like SoberRecovery to come to then I would never have stayed as long as I did.
Good luck and stay strong. You already have a head start becasue you KNOW it is manipulation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
In the UK I didn't qualify for any help (I'd have got it if I was an unemployed addict) and had to quit school.
You go for it. Money might be a bit tight for a few years but your children will have a great role model long term, a mum who's finished school, is independent and has a career. This isn't about the short term but the rest of your life.
You go for it. Money might be a bit tight for a few years but your children will have a great role model long term, a mum who's finished school, is independent and has a career. This isn't about the short term but the rest of your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
So I saw the attorney yesterday. I felt alot better after. I now know more about my options to divorce or seperate from him. He also told me about going for child support and alimony. I made it clear to him that I dont want to take him for everything he has. I just want to be fair and move on. I did specify though that under no circumstances will he be allowed to see or talk to the kids if he is either drinking or intoxicated. If he has the kids and is drinking I will be comming to pick the kids up. That was my biggest request.
The manipulation is still going strong though. When he found out that we couldnt share a lawyer and that the child support will be based on 100% of his income he decided that he will no longer be direct depositing his check into the checking account. He also refuses to let me have the bank card. He thinks that he is now going to take control of the money. I very calmly said ok but for the record just so you know you will have it alot easier than I did. You dont have to worry about juggling the bills and funds around to cover paying for the beer.
Not only is he trying to manipulate me but he called my mom. He called to tell her thanks for being good inlaws. WTF??? Then he tells her that he knows he has a problem... quack quack quack... you get the idea. He was telling her that i had changed since I started taking my classes. He thinks that my classmates have gotten into my head and that some of my online friends are coaching me through this. My mother told me all this. I informed her in no uncertain terms that he will not be making decisions for me nor will she or anyone else be making decisions for me. Only I will be making decisions for me and for my kids. The only thing that has gotton into me is common sense. But then again he has told me that I ruined his life and everyything he has worked for. Forget that he ever sexually assulted me, was verbally abusive, has punched walls and many other things. I have ruined his life. To this all I could say was that he needs to get a life.
But Im living my life now for only me and my kids.
The manipulation is still going strong though. When he found out that we couldnt share a lawyer and that the child support will be based on 100% of his income he decided that he will no longer be direct depositing his check into the checking account. He also refuses to let me have the bank card. He thinks that he is now going to take control of the money. I very calmly said ok but for the record just so you know you will have it alot easier than I did. You dont have to worry about juggling the bills and funds around to cover paying for the beer.
Not only is he trying to manipulate me but he called my mom. He called to tell her thanks for being good inlaws. WTF??? Then he tells her that he knows he has a problem... quack quack quack... you get the idea. He was telling her that i had changed since I started taking my classes. He thinks that my classmates have gotten into my head and that some of my online friends are coaching me through this. My mother told me all this. I informed her in no uncertain terms that he will not be making decisions for me nor will she or anyone else be making decisions for me. Only I will be making decisions for me and for my kids. The only thing that has gotton into me is common sense. But then again he has told me that I ruined his life and everyything he has worked for. Forget that he ever sexually assulted me, was verbally abusive, has punched walls and many other things. I have ruined his life. To this all I could say was that he needs to get a life.
But Im living my life now for only me and my kids.
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