i4getsm

I'd be interested in reading some of your boundaries? I still have trouble figuring out appropriate boundaries without making the "ultimate" boundary of leaving. Granted, I'm getting a divorce, so this stuff is kind of moot for me but I'm still curious. And, I can probably incorporate boundaries better in my life if I actually understood. How sad is that- I don't know how to set up boundaries! Yikes.

Edited to add - I'd especially like to hear the boundaries of those folks still in a relationship...either with their A's or with new partners. I like to try not to the same mistakes when I do find REAL love.

baileyboop

My opinion of boundaries are bascially deciding what you can and cannot live with. When you decide what you cannot live with, then you make sure you communicate those with your partner. It is usually a good idea to decide beforehand what you will do if the boundary is broken-then stick with it. Otherwise, there is a good possibility that you may or may not do anything at all when that time comes, which will result in your words meaning nothing.

Chrysalis123

I am getting a divorce and STBXAH has been out of the house for 9 months. He is actively drinking, selfish, and making emotionally harmful (to the kids) parenting decisions. I am having a heck of a time setting up boundaries because of the kids and the divorce laws like I can't deny him access to the kids.

My kids are participating in a big event this weekend that requires days of preparation. Today and tomorrow require lots of driving and getting ready. Today and tomorrow are "his" days. I work by the hour and he is salaried. Guess who gave up work to help the kids? Which I did willingly because I love their excitement etc. He is off golfing and never even questioned if there is anything he could do to help and also lied again to them saying he was working. When I inquired how he was going to feed the kids he said, "When they get back we'll eat." Unfortunately they are participating from 3-9:30PM. This is unconscionable to me. I thought ahead and got them what they needed. In this instance if I did nothing the kids would not have food, not have rides. How do I set a boundary around that? I'm actually really tired of trying to out-think his antics and have just decided to be mom and dad and expect NOTHING.

I am going to start up counseling again and plan to bring this up because I am certainly a remedial student in this area. But hey, atleast I'm aware of the problem. I'm going to start the kids in counseling as well.

nowwhat

Sadly, the only real boundary I ever put out there was--

I can stay in this marriage only if you get professional help for your addiction.

My husband (X) declined, and fortunately, this was the only boundary I actually stuck with, also.

I struggle with boundaries with my current BF, too, for some reason I have trouble knowing whether or not what I want is reasonable.

CatsPajamas

I have learned a LOT about boundaries since I started working my own program of recovery. The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step.

Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples.

People may not ___________.
Examples
• Go though my personal belongings
• Criticize me
• Make comments about my weight
• Take their anger out on me
• Humiliate me in front of others
• Tell off-color jokes in my company
• Invade my personal space

1.Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation

2.Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.

3.Use simple, direct language. Here are some examples:

To set a boundary with an angry person:
"You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."

To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
"I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later."

To say no to extra commitments:
"Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."

To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
"It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop."

To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
"I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."

"I want you to know that I won't be making a decision today. I'd like to gather information"

To set a boundary with a hair stylist:
"I love what you've done with my hair, but I'm ready for a change. I'd like to talk about a new hairstyle."

To back out of a commitment:
"I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'll need to bow out. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week.

To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows money:
"I won't be lending you money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."

4.When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.


5.Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs.

suki44883

I'm not married, so, my boundaries are with my 18 year old daughter. They are...talk respectfully to me....don't shut me down when I say something you may not want to hear...help keep the house clean. Other than that...

i4getsm

Thanks all for the feedback! Examples are exactly what I needed.

I just got off the phone with STBXAH. He's been calling other women on his cellphone (which is currently an extra line on my account so I see them on my bill). I just asked him not to make any more calls that he knows I'll see. I didn't state the consequence though. (And I'm not calling him back right now because I'm upset). My boundary will be taking him off of my account.

Suki: I'm going to edit my original post to include all family/friends that are A's. I didn't mean to exclude parent/child relationships. Oops! Was just thinking of my own situation. Thank you for adding your comments!

whatnow2

I recently allowed my 19 yo daughter back in the home after "evicting" her 6 months ago for dropping out of college(which we paid for), all night bingeing on alcohol and refusing to get treatment for an eating disorder, and being very disrespectful. These are the boundaries I set which she agreed to...

-getting treatment if she still had an eating disorder
-if coming in late, don't wake anyone and you are NOT to come home intoxicated
-follow all the house rules everyone else does(she used to think she was exempt from housework)
-mutual respect (we will speak to each other without anger or name calling)

I told her I will give my advice but not tell her what to do with her life. I was VERY conrtolling her entire life. But I will NOT contribute to a car, health ins. or any other financial assistance. She had that when she was in school and decided she didn't want it.

Boundaries are so much easier with her than with my AH. #1 I rely on him financially. #2 He is (for now) my husband which is a very intimate relationship. I extended an Order of Protection for violent behavior (towards items, not me) but am considering dropping it as he is seeing a counselor(I hope he's being honest) These will be my boundaries with him...

No drinking
No lying
No sleeping on couch all day
Mutual respect (no name calling, etc.)
Continue seeing a counselor for him and then both of us
Respect my decision to go to Alanon(he was very critical of it before)

We'll see how it goes...

abcdefg

I have found one of the single most important boundaries I set with XABF and other active As in my life is:

I do not raise my voice.

This was a GIANT contrary action that I just started trying one day as a means of not taking the heat or escalating...then I stumbled upon how much freedom it gave my spirit.

It was odd to me -- I guess I assumed that not raising my voice would automatically make me into a doormat, or imply I was giving permission to be verbally abused. Instead, it allowed me to remain detached from the A's insane accusations and behavior. He would accuse or act out and by not raising MY voice, I was able to hear my OWN thoughts and listen for guidance from my Higher Power.

For instance, by not raising my voice I was often able to hear that he was on a rant. In those cases, I would leave the room or the apartment without apology or explanation. I would just step away or pick up my purse and say (almost cheerfully), "I'll see you after my meeting."

After we broke up, I started applying this to everyone in my family (we are ALL completely insane) and that has been tougher to do emotionally. i think i feel more alone when i do it with them. i mean, if you're not yelling and tossing insults in my family, you're not getting any INTIMACY.

sheeeesh!

thanks for the thread.

abc

Sweetiepie1

Being drunk in front of my children; that would be a complete deal breaker and he knows it so it is something he has never done.

Since rehab I've added not drinking when he's with me, if he wants to relapse (there has been one occasion) he can do it on his time, not mine.

i4getsm

Some of the examples seem like boundaries, but I'm not sure what the consequence is if the boundary is crossed.

Example: In my request to STBXAH that he not make phone calls to other women on his cell phone because I get the bill (and can see the calls - which upsets me greatly). The consequence if he does do this is that I will cut off of the phone. We have a family share plan, and I'm the primary. He'll have to get his own phone line.

For some reason I can't update my original post. I'd like to hear more about the consequences that you would inforce if your boundary is crossed.

lillianrivers

I was the same way, about being able to set boundaries but not having good, solid consequences for when they were crossed (possibly because I knew they would be?). I did have a couple good ones though. Like, when AH was "caught" sending IMs to an ex-g/f from his middle school days, I put a keylogger on the computer. I told him if I caught him talking to her again, I would make it so he could never use the computer again (it was mine anyways and I'm the Internet junkie in the house...lol!). He swore he wouldn't...it wasn't even two days later, when I'd run into town for a 1/2 that he was talking to her again. So, I changed the Windows log on password and he would sit and watch me shut the computer down before I left (I typically leave it on 24/7).

Another one was that if he came home smelling like alcohol or in the middle of the night/next morning...I refused to sleep in the same bed/room with him. Granted, my AH was not one to be "put out" of his own bed, so I willingly and systematically would wake up, grab my pillow, and go out to the couch...not saying a word and ignoring any attempt of his to "explain."

A couple months ago, I had told him that if he "disappeared" for any amount of time again, he was out of the house. We share a four bedroom house with my mom, her on one side and us on the other, and it is all in his name so there would be no argument. She would tell him to leave and he would have to go. He did it, and he left. I didn't let him come back for 30 days (it was supposed to be 90 day seperation, but he almost lost his job and I wimped out and let him come back).

My favorite that I never had to follow through on, fortunately, was if you go to jail again...for ANYTHING...don't bother calling and don't expect your belongings to be here when you get out, they would be delivered to his dad's house and he would get divorce papers while he was in jail.

I know you said you are getting divorced now, but I would suggest telling him that if he brings alcohol in the house, you will leave (to protect yourself). If he comes home drunk and acts like an ass, the cops will be called and he will be removed from the property for a night or longer. It really depends on what types of things he does and what hurts you the most. Good luck, honey!

prodigal

I had to consistently enforce my boundaries without backing down for over a year. I also worked hard at detachment. My staying out of his business and REALLY minding my own business helped.

Boundaries:

Don't pour liquor down your throat in front of me. Period.

Get stinkin' drunk. When you do, go into your study and stare at the tube or pass out.

Do NOT eat dinner with me because it includes at least two bottles of wine chugged down and your getting "nicey-nice" the drunker you get.

Do NOT EVER let me come to bed and find you in MY BED telling me you want to snuggle. Heck, you wouldn't touch me with a 10-foot poll when you're sober ... so get your stale booze/nicotine breath outta my bedroom.

I refuse to discuss your drinking with you; in return you will not slop around the house intoxicated in front of me.

YOUR DRINKING IS YOUR BUSINESS. MY BUSINESS IS NOT WATCHING YOU GET TRASHED OR BEING INVOLVED IN ANY WAY IN YOUR ADDICTION.

I had to remain calm when I wanted to blow my top. I had to consistently and calmly request he abide by my wishes.

Today, there are no more fights. No more verbal abuse. He lives on his side of the house. He is polite. I expect nothing more. I get nothing less than what I requested.

It's a win-win situation. He can drink himself to death with no interference from me. I can live my life with no "static" or interference from him.

Shivaya

Hi I4getsm,

Here are my boundaries that I've set with my AH:

1. No alcohol or drinking in the home

2. No drinking in front of me or the kids

3. No drinking on nights when I'm not at home and he is in charge of the kids

4. No drinking to the point of passing out/blacking out


Here are my consequences/what I do if he oversteps my boundaries:

1. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce! He overstepped #'s 1 & 2 & 3. I went over the boundaries with him and made sure he understood. Completely unacceptable.

4. This one is the boundary I feel strongest about. If this boundary is oversteped, I will file for legal separation.

He wanted to know how long I am keeping these boundaries....I told him forever!

If he wants to drink (and he does), he goes over to a neighbors house, stays for hours, or goes out to a local bar. Fine with me. Just don't do it in front of me or the kids, and stay away from me when you come home intoxicated.

I do not engage with him in any way when I know he has been drinking. We sleep in separate bedrooms.

Is this a healthy/fulfilling way to live? Absolutely not. But for me, for now, this is how I am choosing to live.

I am in the process of gaining my independence by starting a new career, continuing to work on my recovery. I am finished yelling, fighting, and being disappointed. I'm learning to expect nothing, this way I don't get disappointed.

Hope this helps,


Shivaya

Shivaya

I forgot to add that we were out in the neighborhood visiting, and a friend of AH offered him a beer.

As soon as I saw that bottle in my AH's hand, I left and took my daughter with me.

So, removing myself is another option, if circumstances allow.


Shivaya