Hitting Bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Hitting Bottom
It really is all about them, isn't it? They relapse, get treatment and then you are supposed to continue to worry about them. When do they worry about us? They embarass us, drain us financially and emotionally, worry us sick and then we are supposed to pick up all the pieces and just go on. I'm tired of him needing me so much. I'm tired of him calling me every time any little thing goes wrong at work or someone pisses him off. I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING. I CAN'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING HIM PROPPED UP AND ON AN EVEN KEEL. Why can't he do that? I do it for myself every damned day and I AM SICK OF HAVING TO DO IT FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!
I don't seem to be able to move forward. I get done what has to be done everyday and then I am absolutely useless. The phone rings and I don't want to answer because I don't want to talk to anyone. Do you think that maybe I am depressed?????????????
I just reread what I wrote, and do I ever sound pissed! I was supposed to start counselling today and the appointment got cancelled so I'm letting steam off here. Thanks!
I don't seem to be able to move forward. I get done what has to be done everyday and then I am absolutely useless. The phone rings and I don't want to answer because I don't want to talk to anyone. Do you think that maybe I am depressed?????????????
I just reread what I wrote, and do I ever sound pissed! I was supposed to start counselling today and the appointment got cancelled so I'm letting steam off here. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
(((((Jojo))))) Do you feel better now? 
I know with my A, it's all about him because I've made it that way, and that's something that I'm trying really hard to change now. It's not going to get better overnight, but as in all other things - baby steps.
As you get stronger in yourself, you'll find it easier to put his crap back where it belongs - on him. The little victories will start to add up and you will eventually feel like you're moving forward and making strides in your own life.
One day at a time, Jojo, for them and for us.
Love and hugs.
I know with my A, it's all about him because I've made it that way, and that's something that I'm trying really hard to change now. It's not going to get better overnight, but as in all other things - baby steps.
As you get stronger in yourself, you'll find it easier to put his crap back where it belongs - on him. The little victories will start to add up and you will eventually feel like you're moving forward and making strides in your own life.
One day at a time, Jojo, for them and for us.
Love and hugs.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Jojo,
I have felt that way as well... still do from time to time. The nature of the disease creates these self-centered, NEEDY people. When my husband checked into treatment, he came home in a GREAT state of mind; said he saw things differently and was so lucky to have me etc. It soon changed, as he fell back into his old routines... He needed encouragement, he needed love, he needed sympathy, he needed ME to be there every time he was struggling - the same ol' caretaking I did during the drinking
. And everyone always asked "How's HE doing? Is HE feeling OK? Anything I can do for HIM?"... I remember screaming it out loud as well "WHAT ABOUT ME?!".
But, Margo is right... I didn't need people / him to "take care" of ME... I needed to take care of myself. I quit smoking in January, started going to the Gym, getting out of the house, doing fun things with the kids... and focussed on NOT letting my mind drift to him anymore. It worked! I was feeling happy and fullfilled in no time
I have since veered off the path (started smoking again 
)... but I still make little commitments to honoring myself - it truly IS the best therapy.
Take care
Meg
I have felt that way as well... still do from time to time. The nature of the disease creates these self-centered, NEEDY people. When my husband checked into treatment, he came home in a GREAT state of mind; said he saw things differently and was so lucky to have me etc. It soon changed, as he fell back into his old routines... He needed encouragement, he needed love, he needed sympathy, he needed ME to be there every time he was struggling - the same ol' caretaking I did during the drinking
. And everyone always asked "How's HE doing? Is HE feeling OK? Anything I can do for HIM?"... I remember screaming it out loud as well "WHAT ABOUT ME?!". But, Margo is right... I didn't need people / him to "take care" of ME... I needed to take care of myself. I quit smoking in January, started going to the Gym, getting out of the house, doing fun things with the kids... and focussed on NOT letting my mind drift to him anymore. It worked! I was feeling happy and fullfilled in no time
I have since veered off the path (started smoking again
)... but I still make little commitments to honoring myself - it truly IS the best therapy. Take care
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jojo
I agree with the ladies above - it stops being about THEM when we start making it about US.
It takes time, it take practice but by working a program we learn new behaviours that are healthy for US and that help US regain our balance and find happiness again - with or without the addict.
If you haven'tbeen to meetings, please try to get there. Once you are comfortable there, find a sponsor and start working the steps. The steps are ALL about us. I promise that your life can once again be beautiful. But first you have to take some baby-steps and do at least one thing every day that is about YOU and your recovery. One day you will wake up and see the world differently.
I agree with the ladies above - it stops being about THEM when we start making it about US.
It takes time, it take practice but by working a program we learn new behaviours that are healthy for US and that help US regain our balance and find happiness again - with or without the addict.
If you haven'tbeen to meetings, please try to get there. Once you are comfortable there, find a sponsor and start working the steps. The steps are ALL about us. I promise that your life can once again be beautiful. But first you have to take some baby-steps and do at least one thing every day that is about YOU and your recovery. One day you will wake up and see the world differently.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 35
arial
Jo jo
I know Exactly what you mean about not answering the phone and not wanting to see anybody!I used to do the same thing. I figured out that the reason I was doing that was because whenever we went anywhere with friends or family he would get wasted. It was embarrising.Especially when we were with my family(my family aren't big drinkers).Also, he would get so messed up that he couldn't talk straight.People would look at him like he was stupid.
I did suffer from depression,I have since got help for that.I've realised that drinking is his problem,not mine!If he wanted people to think he's goofy that was also his problem.Its been a great weight lifted off of me now that I don't feel responsible for the way he acts.I couldn't keep trying to protect him,it was making me sick!
I just want you to know that you're not alone.I guess you can see that by reading the posts here!I wish you happiness,I know it feels like you'll never be happy again,but you will!Keep working at it and remember you have friends here who will listen.
GOD BLESS,KAREN
Jo jo
I know Exactly what you mean about not answering the phone and not wanting to see anybody!I used to do the same thing. I figured out that the reason I was doing that was because whenever we went anywhere with friends or family he would get wasted. It was embarrising.Especially when we were with my family(my family aren't big drinkers).Also, he would get so messed up that he couldn't talk straight.People would look at him like he was stupid.
I did suffer from depression,I have since got help for that.I've realised that drinking is his problem,not mine!If he wanted people to think he's goofy that was also his problem.Its been a great weight lifted off of me now that I don't feel responsible for the way he acts.I couldn't keep trying to protect him,it was making me sick!
I just want you to know that you're not alone.I guess you can see that by reading the posts here!I wish you happiness,I know it feels like you'll never be happy again,but you will!Keep working at it and remember you have friends here who will listen.
GOD BLESS,KAREN
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
i hear ya jojo
I just wanted to say that the 'all about him' thing is one of the things that made me most insane while living with my AH. I just couldn't stand it.
At first it made me feel great, being this wonderful angel that focused all my energy on helping him out and showing him how it felt to be loved and cared for. He had has such a rough life, and I was going to show him how good life could be. I am very good at it, as many of us codependents are. I just knew it meant he'd love and appreciate me forever.
But I guess I also thought it meant that once I was done and he was so happy then he'd turn around and spoil me. I'd be so appreciated and adored, and we'd live happily ever after. Silly me.
5 years later and it was still all about him. If possible, it was even more all about him. I started just seeing it as a huge character flaw on his part. And I started to resent it. Now I didn't want to take care of everything anymore, I wanted him to learn how to. I felt used, taken for granted and angry. More typical codependent behavior, I have since learned.
When I stopped wanting to do it all and started insisting he learn to do for himself, and actually started insisting he even start doing for me.... well.... that just screwed up everything! We argued all the time and he just decided I wasn't the girl he fell in love with. I just accepted that, blamed myself for everything, and felt guilty that I didn't want to go back to being the girl he fell in love with. It was just too hard.
This pattern is well outllined in 'Codependent No More' and perfectly describes my relationships. I now know I will continue to have relationships like that unless I learn to change myself, and recognize when I am falling into that pattern again.
I share my story in case it sounds familiar to anyone, and they may gain some insight from my experience.
At first it made me feel great, being this wonderful angel that focused all my energy on helping him out and showing him how it felt to be loved and cared for. He had has such a rough life, and I was going to show him how good life could be. I am very good at it, as many of us codependents are. I just knew it meant he'd love and appreciate me forever.
But I guess I also thought it meant that once I was done and he was so happy then he'd turn around and spoil me. I'd be so appreciated and adored, and we'd live happily ever after. Silly me.
5 years later and it was still all about him. If possible, it was even more all about him. I started just seeing it as a huge character flaw on his part. And I started to resent it. Now I didn't want to take care of everything anymore, I wanted him to learn how to. I felt used, taken for granted and angry. More typical codependent behavior, I have since learned.
When I stopped wanting to do it all and started insisting he learn to do for himself, and actually started insisting he even start doing for me.... well.... that just screwed up everything! We argued all the time and he just decided I wasn't the girl he fell in love with. I just accepted that, blamed myself for everything, and felt guilty that I didn't want to go back to being the girl he fell in love with. It was just too hard.
This pattern is well outllined in 'Codependent No More' and perfectly describes my relationships. I now know I will continue to have relationships like that unless I learn to change myself, and recognize when I am falling into that pattern again.
I share my story in case it sounds familiar to anyone, and they may gain some insight from my experience.
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Posts: n/a
I THINK WE ALLOW THEM TO DEPEND ON US BECAUSE IN THE
BEGINNING WE NEED THEM TO LIKE AND LOVE US.
THEY KEEP DOING IT BECAUSE WE KEEP SENDING THAT SAME
OLD MESSAGE.... IT'S O.K.....
I DISCOVERED THE REAL SICK ONE HERE IS ME! I COULDN'T
SAY NO.
I HAVE LEARNED TO SAY " NO". INFACT I HAVE LEARNED
TO SAY IT NICELY " NO THANK YOU " I AM IN CONTROL
OF MY ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUISINESS HOW ANOTHER ACTS, UNLESS HE
OR SHE PUTS THERE HANDS ON ME.
I NEEDED TO LEARN TO SAY "NO" WITHOUT GIVEING UP THE
GENEROUS PERSONALITY.
LEARNING WHEN THE APPROPRIATE TIME IS FOR BOTH.
ATHORITYANGLE
BEGINNING WE NEED THEM TO LIKE AND LOVE US.
THEY KEEP DOING IT BECAUSE WE KEEP SENDING THAT SAME
OLD MESSAGE.... IT'S O.K.....
I DISCOVERED THE REAL SICK ONE HERE IS ME! I COULDN'T
SAY NO.
I HAVE LEARNED TO SAY " NO". INFACT I HAVE LEARNED
TO SAY IT NICELY " NO THANK YOU " I AM IN CONTROL
OF MY ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUISINESS HOW ANOTHER ACTS, UNLESS HE
OR SHE PUTS THERE HANDS ON ME.
I NEEDED TO LEARN TO SAY "NO" WITHOUT GIVEING UP THE
GENEROUS PERSONALITY.
LEARNING WHEN THE APPROPRIATE TIME IS FOR BOTH.
ATHORITYANGLE
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