lillianrivers

In one of the other threads, I mentioned the "talk" I had with AH the other night about how I know now that it is wrong for me to try and MAKE him change (after finding this wonderful site and reading posts for four hours). I ended the talk with me saying that I would no longer harp or bitch about his drinking, his VERY undesirable female friend and her son (who seem to always make trouble and tell him that my bitching about his drinking is totally wrong), and his other poor choices. But I also told him that I also knew it was wrong for me and the kids to continue living this way, adding that I did not want him to choose between those bad things and us. I was done. He seemed to think I meant done "dealing" with it and that he was going to get by with a lot more. WRONG!

I let it go yesterday, but was kinda snippy with him. Last night I wrote a poem that I will soon post here (explain that later), and after he read it, he mildly flew off the handle. He hasn't drank in four days he said and he thought things were "just fine," but that apparently he "still wasn't doing good enough." I even let that crap slide and just went to sleep. This morning started a VERY long day of arguments and "miscommunications." Around 4:30 p.m. it got nasty, and I mean bad nasty...and it was quicker than I've ever seen him turn on me.

While he did not put his hands on me, he broke every one of the four large mirrors in our bedroom, kicked the crap out of my computer, cut the power cord to my computer monitor and tore the hell out of every thing he could get his hands on. I left with the kids in the middle of his tyrade (sp?) and went to the police station. However, before I left, he made sure to tell me that I would NOT keep our 2 y/o son away from him and boldy, even proudly, stated at least four times "do not doubt that I will be back tonight and I'm going to shoot you, you f***ing b****!" Despite all the arguments, he's never threatened to kill me. When I got to the police station, I filed a report for intimidation, but was told it probably won't turn into charges.

The courthouse was closed by the time I got to town, so first thing after the kids get on the bus tomorrow, I am going there to file for divorce and emergency protection order. I let him back once after throwing him out, and in the last six weeks since, life has become even more of an unbearable hell. I know I still love him, or well...part of me does, for the "good times" in the beginning, but the last three years (out of the six) have been slowly killing me. The kids are taking it well, except our 6 year old daughter who he has raised since she was 4 months old. I tried to explain it as simply as I could and think she'll be okay, but our 2 y/o son has asked me 20 times tonight where daddy is.

My computer is battered to hell but still turns on. I can't see if there was any internal damage since I can't use my monitor, but plan on seeing if I can splice the wire back as a temp fix. Since I share a house with my mother, I'm using her computer, but not trying to sit here too long since she's crabby, stressed, and can hear me clicking away. I will post more as soon as I can, but I will be okay. Thank you for listening and thank you for even being here to help me through this. As of this moment, I'm doing okay, but I know it will not be easy in the next few weeks, or even months. At least I know now there is NO chance of me ever even considering taking him back. Like I told him today, I wasn't trying to bash on him or bring him down, but I KNOW I'm better than this life...and so our my kids. They will look back remembering that Mommy did not put up with being treated like that, and in turn, I hope they never will either. :praying

brentsgirl

Sending prayers your way for strength and courage. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Your absolutely right- you deserve so much better!

CatsPajamas

Setting boundaries is a really good thing. Your kids have seen that you mean what you say and say what you mean.

Physical violence is NEVER OK. It's good that he didn't hit you or hurt you this time, but his anger is obviously escalating. I'm worried for your safety, and hopefully you'll be able to get the protective order.

Please take care of yourself and your children. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Hugs
Cats

serenityqueen

Although I hate to see that the situation had to come down to this, I am thankful that it sounds like you have realized that you and your kids deserve so much more. I'm proud of the way you handled things. Many women would have either stayed and fought it out (verbally) which could very easily have led to physical abuse or they wouldn't leave out of fear of more of their possessions being trashed. I'm so happy that you realized that you and your kid's lives are much more important than any materialistic goods.

I hope that you do continue to have the courage to take care of yourself and your kids. I was in an abusive relationship and by morning, I had always ended up convincing myself that I did something to cause it or I'd let him suck me back into the nightmare. His nightmare doesn't have to be yours any longer!

I will Pray for God to watch over you and your kids, to give you the strength and peace of mind to continue on your process of stopping this once and for all. You and your kids deserve so much more. Stay strong. You know how convincing he will try to be when he calms down and realizes what he has done.

Please keep us informed and updated on how you're doing. You have touched many on here, myself included. Also, you never know how many women could be following what you are going through and realize that they too have the strength and self worth to get out of their own bad relationships.

God Bless and Watch Over You and The Kids,
Judy

lexusgirl

(((lillian)))

Wow I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I think you're totally doing the right thing, and like Cats said, violence is never ok. I'm worried for you and your kids as well.

I don't think you'll have any problem getting the TRO. Is there a domestic violence team within your county or city? They are great advocates and will even go to court with you and help you with filing and filling out all the paperwork.

Since he made a death threat, sometimes the police will keep an eye on your house and drive by throughout the night watching for anything suspicious.

Stay strong and YES you do deserve better!:ghug2

Please keep us up to date on how you're doing. Your children and you are in my prayers.

SugarLily

Lillian - I am so so so very sorry you had to experience that.

I was on the receiving end of that kind of abuse often. I called the police twice in little more than two months this year. The last time being the last. He smashed my fathers house up after I refused to let him in drunk. He stole my car and then proceeded to climb onto the roof trying to get in the windows. I ran through all the rooms locking the wondows thinking "oh my god this is like some weird horror film".

I don't mean to go off topic by talking about myself but what I realised was that as a human being - I have a right to feel safe in my own home. That is a basic human need right?! How dare anyone - let alone someone who "loves" me - treat me that way.

You have done no wrong and feel no guilt over involving the police. I don't know if you feel that way but guilt stupidly crept upon me. I have to keep mentally thinking just how I felt that night and it goes away.

Did your kids witness this outrage? I'm guessing by your post that they did. YOu all deserve to live a happy settled life without this.

Please be very strong - this time will be trying but you need to and will get through it.

Thinking of you x x

baileyboop

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

Rella927

Lillian I truly am so sorry that you are going through this-

I went through this with my XABF as he never threatened to kill me however he physically abused my home destroying things and then began to push me and abuse my two loving dogs!

I too worry for your safety and pray that you get the order for you and your children.

You deserve much better for all of you-Please be careful!

lillianrivers

Thank you all for your love and support. As an update...I went this morning and filed for divorce and a protective order. I just called the court house and was informed that the judge signed the protective order and fee waiver request for the divorce. Our provisional hearing will be May 29 at 3:00 p.m. My mom said she will leave work early to be here to get the kids off the bus.

I got a new computer monitor today for $10 and the tower is beat up and I have a few glitches on the screen (poss. the video card got too shook up), but I'm now back on my computer. I talked to my neighbor to apologize for anything her or her family might of seen or heard yesterday. We have only talked a couple times, but it hit me hard when she said, "honey, I'm so proud of you and I've been waiting for this, as he always seems so angry." Also, my son's speech therapist answered my call while at another parent's house. She felt bad cause she'd let our son's unusual name (Draven) slip and the mom said she knew who were, as we have a mutual friend. She said she'd heard from our friend what he could be like at times, and was so glad I was finally "brave" enough to get him the hell out. That made me feel so good about myself, but bad that no one ever told me that before.

I have not heard from AH, but he and his "friend" passed the bus stop when I was getting our daughter off the bus. However, his "friend" only lives two miles down the road and they were obviously headed to town. Neither of them looked in my direction that I could tell and the kids didn't see them, so it worked out good. I doubt he'll "do" anything, but am still watching my back. My stepdad was a very abusive man, in every way except sexually. Also, my daughter who was raised by my AH is the product of a very volatile and violent relationship, though that was short and I got the hell out.

Granted, those previous situations should have pushed me to do this sooner, but I'm glad I went through them and knew what was in store for us, so that I could make an "informed" decision and know this was not going to change. I also attribute my strength to finding this site and reading the stories of others, helping me to see that the road I was going down was the same as the past ones, just different scenary. Not only did I convince myself that it was my fault, despite knowing damn well that it wasn't...I thought as long as I could keep him drinking outside of the home it would be better for the kids. But...those days are over. I've known for weeks that this was coming and am much more prepared mentally than most women have the opportunity for. :codiepolice :ghug

lillianrivers

Ironically, I do not see him coming back or even trying, other than to see our son. I'm convinced his "friend," who spent the last four months telling him that I was a "horrible wife" and that HE deserved better, will make him feel much better. This chick is where the argument started because I feel she has invaded my life and was not only trying to split us up for her own gain (getting him), but not influencing him in the "right" direction.


And it's funny that you mention how I have touched your lives already and what kind of influence I can have here. I do know because I occassionally wrte articles online and tend to write more about personal situations than the "popular" search topics that make more money. I don't want to post hte link here due to it being viewed as an attempt to direct people away from this site, so if you would like to read it, PM me and I'd be more than happy to send you the link.

jillybean

I'm sorry you and your family are going through so much.

I had my xABF charged with making death threats along with the other charges he is now facing fro assaulting me. In my state the "Threats to commit a crime" is a misdemeanor and they can prosecute him for that. I would look into it with the court system as you are also filing for divorce and he may fight unfairly for custody.

What he did is Domestic Abuse and you are entitled to restitution for the damage he caused your possessions as well. I know it makes us feel like we are bing "bitter vengeful c**ts" (that's what I was called at least) when we hold them accountable, but it is not that at all. It is our boundaries and in your situation where there are precious children involved, every avenue to protect you and them is acceptable.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs,
Jilly

Serenity8

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Good for you for setting your boundaries and doing whatever it takes to keep you and your children safe.

CatsPajamas

During and right after my divorce I went to some of the free counseling offered by our Domestic Violence Center. A friend/counselor encouraged me to go. I was very reluctant at first because my ex never hit me, although he broke things and was very mentally and emotionally abusive. I wasn't sure I "qualified."

The few key things I took away from that were that many of the women who had been physically abused said they thought the emotional abuse was worse than the physical. I also learned more about setting, maintaining and enforcing boundaries. The coolest thing for me was when the DV counselor told me I didn't need to come back anymore! I had been going to Al Anon about 6 yrs at that time and would share what I had learned from readings and from those meetings. She said "your Al Anon program is obviously benefitting you very much and you can probably get more from those meetings than you can here." In fact, a few of the women from the DV group also started going to Al Anon!

Take care of you. It was important and a healing process for me to understand why I continued to let controlling and abusive men into my life.

Hugs
Cats