ToughChoices

This is a complicated post.

Though I've been married to my A for 7 years, I've only known about his alcoholism for one. During this past year, so much has changed. Here's the short story:

He tried drinking only beer - only on weekends - only after our son was asleep.
But he just got worse. Much worse.
He isolated himself.
He slept all the time.
He wouldn't take any responsibility for his problems.
He drunkenly screamed at me in front of our child.
We left.
He went to rehab.
And AA.
I went to Al-Anon.
Things were looking up.
He drank again two weeks ago.
Took responsibility.
Kept going to meetings.
He's doing well.

I am a mess. I was SO angry with him for the relapse.
I've tried to set some boundaries for myself, but I don't really know what they should be. It hurts me to see him drink, so the simplest way to protect myself from that pain is to not see him at all.
I've tried this, but it makes me miserable, and our son really misses him.

My A is imperfect, but I truly love him. I don't want him to be an alcoholic, but that's what he is. He's also my lover and my best friend.

Here's what I'm struggling with:
I know that I won't live with an active A.
I'm beginning to think I don't want to live without my recovering A, even if his recovery isn't perfect.

I want him to move back in with us.
When I think about him coming home I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

Tell me if you think I'm crazy. I need to hear it.

-TC

Rella927

Tough no you are not crazy!

Setting boundaries for yourself is just that-"I will not live with an active A" so I think you have that down.

This is a horrible disease and we are powerless-yes I do not doubt that you love him however IMHO think how you felt when he was living with you, is it going to change or be the same?

Maybe if he has more sober time under his belt then you should possibly think about having him move back in and of course with boundaries set in place. (And sticking to them)

Support him from a distance for now maybe? How about Al-Anon?

Just my opinion...

Gman813

I don't think you are crazy or alone in your thinking process. I've been nervously waiting for the relapse myself. I completly understand your feelings, not wanting to live with an active A, nor live without him. My AW has been 4 months sober, and I have spent too many hours worring about relapse myself, and how I'll react IF it happens.

Only you know what you can or cannot live with. I can't offer any suggestions, only to follow your gut and your heart. Two things to keep in mind, first communication is key and this didn't happen overnight, nor will you get over it in a day.

Best of luck to both of you!!!


___________________________

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

"Into the Fire"
By Bruce Springsteen

Barbara52

Only you can know what you want and are willing to have in your life and your relationship with your AH. Its never easy no matter what boundRies you set.

No, you aren't crazy (at least no more than the rest of us dealing with alcoholism). You are trying to sort it out and find the best route for you. It takes time.

Kindeyes

I think many of us who have an A in our lives have these feelings. Relapse is difficult but sometimes it's just a part of the recovery process. You held your ground and set your boundaries and that's good. He's sober at this point after the relapse. That's good. You do what is best for YOU and your child. Only you know what your limitations are.

gentle hugs

ToughChoices

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I'm trying to learn to trust my gut a little more.

I am petrified of being weak (I have a "people-pleasing" nature) so I end up setting very rigid and restrictive boundaries to compensate.
Then I hate the boundaries.

There was a time when I really felt like I was going to have to get a divorce. He didn't want help, and he wasn't willing to change.
The situation is different now, but I feel some strange obligation to hold onto the divorce threat. I think I want to punish him.

Al-Anon is really helping me see my role in this craziness and giving me tools to change my behavior in more constructive ways. Boundaries shouldn't be punitive, they should be peaceful.

Thanks for listening, you guys are great!

-TC

goldeelox

Good for you TC!, I pm'ed you.

warrens

Good post.

I am an A with 3 months and in a relationship.

You simply want the best of all worlds. Why not? You deserve it, as well as he. You are to be admired.

I agree 100% with the boundaries. Perhaps a bit of advice, though. As angry as you may be, if it were me, your anger would be counterproductive if displayed. I know, it's difficult.

I cannot be goaded, "parented," or threatened into sobriety. The more I think that I'm acting on external forces, the less I "own" my recovery. Only if I do it for me, if my motivation is internal, can I succeed.

Your anger and disappointment is justified. But, calm boundaries and detachment from my illness work best with me. M'lady didn't cause my addiction. She is not to blame if I relapse. Thus, I neither want her to be my cheerleader nor tormentor. I simply want her to expect that I will do my humanly best with the aid of a HP.

I wish you and he the best. Knowing that he has a home and what is required to regain it is more than "fair." Addiction is childish and self centered. Recovery is mature and self centered. If I need external and negative reinforcement to succeed, I am doomed to fail eventually.

Quiet, firm, and enforced boundaries are best, I think. They are with me. M'lady already raised her child, and she has no need for another.

warren

ToughChoices

As I progress down the path that is recovery, I can finally see the ugly role that my "self-righteous" anger played in our family drama.

I really thought that my A deserved to suffer for the pain he had caused me.
I'm beginning to truly understand that I am primarily responsible for my pain. Just as I did not cause his alcoholism, he did not cause my pain.

There are times when anger is perfectly legitimate, but I've been using it as an excuse to overlook my own imperfections.

-TC

Rella927

Yup I wanted mine to suffer too until I realized it was causing me more pain to wish that upon him. IMHO A's are already suffering......just as Co-dependents do!

ToughChoices

I think the ground rules would be:
1.) Ongoing admission that he IS an alcoholic and, as such, should not drink any amount of alcohol. I firmly believe that alcoholics attempting recovery should completely abstain, and I've had enough experience with AH trying to "moderate" that I'm unwilling to entertain any goals that fall short of abstinence.

2.) Couple's counseling. We have to talk about how we're feeling, and it helps to have a neutral party involved.

3.) Ongoing honesty. I cannot be in a relationship with someone that I don't trust, so lies are a no-go.

As far as relapse goes, I just really feel like my response will depend on the conditions surrounding the incident. Driving drunk is a deal-breaker, child care under the influence is a deal-breaker, physical abuse or infidelity is a deal breaker. There may be more that I haven't thought about yet.

I know that no one is perfect, so if/when a mistake happens, I expect him to own it. Look at what went wrong - try to make it right - stay on the path to recovery. If the old alcoholic behaviors return (lying, blaming, pouting, isolating, etc...) I will be quickly reminded of why I did not want to live with him while he was drinking.

-TC

sunshine321

Sorry to butt in but anvilhead's post is confusing to me. I am in the same position with my ABF and I'm not sure what is going to happen. Right now he is in out patient rehab and will be getting support there for two or three more weeks. Then it is up to him whether he continues his program and follows the steps and traditions of AA. The only boundaries I have set is if he stays out all night on me one more time, I'm leaving with the kids for good. I understand that relapse CAN be part of recovery and I want to leave room for that. But I will also not live with an active alcoholic especially now that I've seen a glimpse of how life can be without Mr. Hyde.

So how do I set boundaries regarding relapse without compromising how I feel about living with an active alcoholic? I don't want to control anyone's life buy my own. He is free to make whatever choice he wants, but I am too.

Jenny

ToughChoices

For now, the beginning, I think so.

The negative behaviors that accompany alcoholism are what bother me - if those behaviors weren't occurring I think that my Al-Anon tools could help me deal with a slip.
I would expect the "slips" to become less and less frequent as his recovery progressed. If they kept occurring on a frequent basis it would be like life with active addiction, and I would leave.

How do you know when anyone is being honest? I guess that it's the absence of evidence to the contrary: being where he says he'll be, doing what he says he'll do.

I do have a tendency to be controlling; it's something I'm trying to work on.
I'd like to take control of my own life without taking over his.
He can make his own choices, but it's my right to decide which choices I can and cannot live with.

-TC

GiveLove

TC,

I found myself wondering the same things, as much as I admire the fact that you're developing a stance for yourself. So those are your boundaries. And if he starts drinking again? Or is discovered to be babysitting your kids while drunk......what is the repercussion? What will you do in those situations?

Setting rules is only one half of the equation...wondering if you've thought through the rest? As with Anvil, just challenging you to have a complete plan, not just half a plan.

Good luck with everything...

ToughChoices

I appreciate it, Anvilhead. I didn't feel attacked.

I posted this because I wanted to hear people's opinions about having him come back - I figured that some would think it a royally bad idea. I need to think about this from all sides.

You live with a recovering addict now, right?
How do you handle it?

-TC

ToughChoices

GiveLove -

If he engaged in one of the "deal-breaker" behaviors I would seek a divorce.

I have arranged the paperwork, separated our finances, and prepared myself emotionally for the possibility of our marriage ending.

He knows this.

I'm willing to be flexible where I can - but there are somethings that I'm unwilling to bend about.

Thanks for your response!

whatnow2

Thank you for reminding me this. It reminds me that I am taking care of me and not trying to control him.

lillianrivers

TC-

I feel I could've saved the kids and I so much hurt and pain...well, at least the last six weeks anyways, if I'd only stuck to my 90 trial seperation boundaries and not letting AH come back after only 30 days. He was even here all the time. Came here right after worked, stayed for supper and to tuck the kids in bed, and then we'd talk til 2 a.m. sometimes (with him having to be at work at 7 a.m.!). I figured "what's the point of him losing his job due to lack of sleep, he might as well move back in since he's here all the time anyways."

My AH had a couple "slips" during those 30 days too, but I convinced myself he was really trying and that it would be okay. Well, I'm sorry to say it wasn't okay. I filed for divorce and a protective order yesterday. Sadly enough, he wasn't even drunk when the argument happened and my house got destroyed. He had become so used to his behavior that it was starting to escalate when he hadn't even drank in two days. Pathetic!

Personally, if I were you (or could go back 2 months and redo my situation), I would give it more time. It is hard to be "alone," but it is good for you. Not only does it prove that you ARE capable of taking care of yourself, but it gives you time to focus on you. If you are still this worried about him and him coming home, then you aren't ready yet. Just my opinion, but like I said, if I had waited the extra 60 days, I would not have put myself and my kids through the last two days of hell. Plus I really hate that the kids had to watch him leave, come back, and then leave again. That's not right nor good for them. Good luck and stay strong!