Alcoholism, Narcissism or both?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Alcoholism, Narcissism or both?
Oh man...I was studying today and I decided to look up narcissism and I found that (and you guys probably already know this) there isn't much of a difference between N and alcoholism...the personality traits are so similar and it really explains alot.
If You've been reading my other posts then you know some of my story so I wont repeat. Anyway, I can't believe how much it could explain!!!
The way my XABF treated me and still treats others. I am actually starting to be more and more greatful that I no longer have to deal with him.
Being that he is a definite A If there is a chance that he is also an N means there probably is no hope of him ever seeing what he's done or is doing. I know now that many of "our" problems stemmed from the fact that I would not let him control me and that I actually have a brain and a sense of right and wrong.
The woman he is with now...she must have some real issues. I guess I should take the advice given here and pray for her...not there yet though...maybe someday. I've prayed for him but I dont really think that is something I want to do anymore either. I know that sounds mean but i can't help it. Sometimes even prayers arent enough. maybe someday I will see it different but not now.
What are your thoughts on this topic...by the way, I think I am ADDICTED to SoberRecovery!
If You've been reading my other posts then you know some of my story so I wont repeat. Anyway, I can't believe how much it could explain!!!
The way my XABF treated me and still treats others. I am actually starting to be more and more greatful that I no longer have to deal with him.
Being that he is a definite A If there is a chance that he is also an N means there probably is no hope of him ever seeing what he's done or is doing. I know now that many of "our" problems stemmed from the fact that I would not let him control me and that I actually have a brain and a sense of right and wrong.
The woman he is with now...she must have some real issues. I guess I should take the advice given here and pray for her...not there yet though...maybe someday. I've prayed for him but I dont really think that is something I want to do anymore either. I know that sounds mean but i can't help it. Sometimes even prayers arent enough. maybe someday I will see it different but not now.
What are your thoughts on this topic...by the way, I think I am ADDICTED to SoberRecovery!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, I got to the point where it didn't matter anymore what part of my AH's issues were a result of alcoholism, depression, being a jerk or whatever.
My bottom line is his behaviors were unacceptable to me, he was not willing to admit to his issues let alone work on them and I had no choice for me other than to leave him and let him live his life as he saw fit.
I concentrate on me, my personal recovery and on improving my life for me and my sons. AH is responsible for his life and his choices. I am responsible for my life and my choices.
My bottom line is his behaviors were unacceptable to me, he was not willing to admit to his issues let alone work on them and I had no choice for me other than to leave him and let him live his life as he saw fit.
I concentrate on me, my personal recovery and on improving my life for me and my sons. AH is responsible for his life and his choices. I am responsible for my life and my choices.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Actually my therapist brought this up a few weeks ago with me, regarding xabf. She recommended a great book called Narcissistic Lovers, she said there was a lot of things in the book that hit on the situation with me and xabf.
She also said everyone has some narcissistic tendencies. I agree with you and totally think there is some type or correlation. Although I'm not sure if the booze brings out the narcissism or vice versa..?
She also said everyone has some narcissistic tendencies. I agree with you and totally think there is some type or correlation. Although I'm not sure if the booze brings out the narcissism or vice versa..?
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Originally Posted by loner1968 
..........Being that he is a definite A ...If there is a chance that he is also an N means there probably is no hope of him ever...... !
This is our spiritual work, to grow beyond the need to label and assign certain attributes to others, and to accept them as they are while continuing to love ourselves, secure in the faith that everything will be alright
This is our spiritual work, to put down that glaring magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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trust me...I'm doing my best. This is just how I operate. I have to learn about things. I might drive myself crazy but i NEED to understand. I dont know if I will get to the day when I dont care about what happened anymore. I hope I Do. Dont think I dont have the magnifying glass between the mirror and myself!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I might drive myself crazy but i NEED to understand.
Maybe instead of worrying about what or what not the traits are, how about working on yourself to see why he still has space in your head?
Just a thought. You honestly will never have the answers, even if you should by some misfortune become an alcoholic yourself.
J M H O
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Originally Posted by miss communicat
labels are our way of being stuck in "either-or", "black/white" thinking, a way for us to feel "certain" in a world filled with uncertainty.
This is our spiritual work, to grow beyond the need to label and assign certain attributes to others, and to accept them as they are while continuing to love ourselves, secure in the faith that everything will be alright
This is our spiritual work, to put down that glaring magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.
This is our spiritual work, to grow beyond the need to label and assign certain attributes to others, and to accept them as they are while continuing to love ourselves, secure in the faith that everything will be alright
This is our spiritual work, to put down that glaring magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.
It takes time but it is well worth it when we "pick up that mirror" I hated what I saw at first but day by day I have learned to love what I see when I look in the mirror! Wasting energy on trying to figure out what is wrong with others, is just that a waste of MY energy. It is too precious!
I did the same thing in the start of my recovery....read and read and when I realized that I was trying to figure out what, why, how he could being doing this to ME.....I finally realized it is not about him it is about ME! Breathe you will get there in your own time!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I totally understand the need to understand something rationally, but what I finally realized was the mental doesn't really help with the emotional/spiritual. In fact, for me, it causes obsession and anxiety.
When I start getting stuck in my head (which is a constant for me), I try meditating and praying--I'm not religious but I have found out that my HP doesn't mind that. That is the only course that has helped relieved that intellectual/analytical angst.
When I start getting stuck in my head (which is a constant for me), I try meditating and praying--I'm not religious but I have found out that my HP doesn't mind that. That is the only course that has helped relieved that intellectual/analytical angst.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
They both go hand in hand. And it doesn't matter we just have to take care of ourselves.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by loner1968
Oh man...I was studying today and I decided to look up narcissism and I found that (and you guys probably already know this) there isn't much of a difference between N and alcoholism...the personality traits are so similar and it really explains alot.
If You've been reading my other posts then you know some of my story so I wont repeat. Anyway, I can't believe how much it could explain!!!
The way my XABF treated me and still treats others. I am actually starting to be more and more greatful that I no longer have to deal with him.
Being that he is a definite A If there is a chance that he is also an N means there probably is no hope of him ever seeing what he's done or is doing. I know now that many of "our" problems stemmed from the fact that I would not let him control me and that I actually have a brain and a sense of right and wrong.
The woman he is with now...she must have some real issues. I guess I should take the advice given here and pray for her...not there yet though...maybe someday. I've prayed for him but I dont really think that is something I want to do anymore either. I know that sounds mean but i can't help it. Sometimes even prayers arent enough. maybe someday I will see it different but not now.
What are your thoughts on this topic...by the way, I think I am ADDICTED to SoberRecovery!
If You've been reading my other posts then you know some of my story so I wont repeat. Anyway, I can't believe how much it could explain!!!
The way my XABF treated me and still treats others. I am actually starting to be more and more greatful that I no longer have to deal with him.
Being that he is a definite A If there is a chance that he is also an N means there probably is no hope of him ever seeing what he's done or is doing. I know now that many of "our" problems stemmed from the fact that I would not let him control me and that I actually have a brain and a sense of right and wrong.
The woman he is with now...she must have some real issues. I guess I should take the advice given here and pray for her...not there yet though...maybe someday. I've prayed for him but I dont really think that is something I want to do anymore either. I know that sounds mean but i can't help it. Sometimes even prayers arent enough. maybe someday I will see it different but not now.
What are your thoughts on this topic...by the way, I think I am ADDICTED to SoberRecovery!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
You guys are right. I will never figure it out. I'm just grasping at straws because its so hard to comprehend. Of course I don't think I could really come up with an answer. I study science and sometimes I get crazy trying to figure things out. This whole thing is kind of like a creature that lives in my head. Like a parasite I can't purge. It drains me and screws me up. I never thought it could take this long to get over something or someone. Thanks for the posts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
I agree
I am married to a narcissistic addict. He is like an overgrown child. My husband is even jealous of the dogs!! I feed the dogs and he goes "Feed your husband!"
I know that my MIL and her family WAYYYYYYY overindulged in AH from birth....why....because narcissistic alcoholic Daddy was NEVER around. So they "made up for it" with gifts, toys, attention, affection, too much praise, and when he became older, they rewarded negative behavior (like taking him out to breakfast before court for his DUI, then taking him to the mall to get a jacket or hat when he was done in court, with the promise that he would "behave from now on.") Yeah, that worked!
I know that my MIL and her family WAYYYYYYY overindulged in AH from birth....why....because narcissistic alcoholic Daddy was NEVER around. So they "made up for it" with gifts, toys, attention, affection, too much praise, and when he became older, they rewarded negative behavior (like taking him out to breakfast before court for his DUI, then taking him to the mall to get a jacket or hat when he was done in court, with the promise that he would "behave from now on.") Yeah, that worked!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Addict's Wife
I know that my MIL and her family WAYYYYYYY overindulged in AH from birth....why....because narcissistic alcoholic Daddy was NEVER around. So they "made up for it" with gifts, toys, attention, affection, too much praise, and when he became older, they rewarded negative behavior (like taking him out to breakfast before court for his DUI, then taking him to the mall to get a jacket or hat when he was done in court, with the promise that he would "behave from now on.") Yeah, that worked!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Can someone explain to me exactly what some of these words mean? Narcississ? (sp?) What is that and how does it relate to A?
also, I have been reading "codies".......what are they?
What do some of these abbreviations mean? I know what "A" stands for, and H and bf...............what about some of these othersI am new to this site and want to know what I am reading.
Thanks to all
:wtf2
I think I am also addicted to this website. It has been SO much help just in the past 2 weeks since I have found it.
also, I have been reading "codies".......what are they?
What do some of these abbreviations mean? I know what "A" stands for, and H and bf...............what about some of these othersI am new to this site and want to know what I am reading.
Thanks to all
:wtf2
I think I am also addicted to this website. It has been SO much help just in the past 2 weeks since I have found it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by i4getsm
Oh my...you just described my STBXAH. Yikes...scary!
LOL, are you my AH's alcoholic brother's ex? He is 41 and has slept in the same bedroom since he was 6. She ended it because he wouldn't give up his addictions and his Mamma's cooking. He can't hold a job.
I love my MIL, but the family did a great disservice to her sons.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Addict's Wife
I am married to a narcissistic addict. He is like an overgrown child. My husband is even jealous of the dogs!! I feed the dogs and he goes "Feed your husband!"
I know that my MIL and her family WAYYYYYYY overindulged in AH from birth....why....because narcissistic alcoholic Daddy was NEVER around. So they "made up for it" with gifts, toys, attention, affection, too much praise, and when he became older, they rewarded negative behavior (like taking him out to breakfast before court for his DUI, then taking him to the mall to get a jacket or hat when he was done in court, with the promise that he would "behave from now on.") Yeah, that worked!
I know that my MIL and her family WAYYYYYYY overindulged in AH from birth....why....because narcissistic alcoholic Daddy was NEVER around. So they "made up for it" with gifts, toys, attention, affection, too much praise, and when he became older, they rewarded negative behavior (like taking him out to breakfast before court for his DUI, then taking him to the mall to get a jacket or hat when he was done in court, with the promise that he would "behave from now on.") Yeah, that worked!
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Can totally relate to the "momma's boy" term. My last two exabf's were total momma's boys and one of their Mothers was a complete psycho that hated me even before I met her.
It was a very odd, and unhealthy situation. It just amazes me how she protected him even while he was abusive to me. Being a mother to a son, I could never take his side if he was in the wrong and especially if he put his hands on a woman. Just mind blowing:wtf2
It was a very odd, and unhealthy situation. It just amazes me how she protected him even while he was abusive to me. Being a mother to a son, I could never take his side if he was in the wrong and especially if he put his hands on a woman. Just mind blowing:wtf2
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by NeedHappiness
Can someone explain to me exactly what some of these words mean? Narcississ? (sp?) What is that and how does it relate to A?
also, I have been reading "codies".......what are they?
What do some of these abbreviations mean? I know what "A" stands for, and H and bf...............what about some of these othersI am new to this site and want to know what I am reading.
Thanks to all
:wtf2
I think I am also addicted to this website. It has been SO much help just in the past 2 weeks since I have found it.
also, I have been reading "codies".......what are they?
What do some of these abbreviations mean? I know what "A" stands for, and H and bf...............what about some of these othersI am new to this site and want to know what I am reading.
Thanks to all
:wtf2
I think I am also addicted to this website. It has been SO much help just in the past 2 weeks since I have found it.
There is a lot of great info regarding narcissistic personality disorder if you Google it. Also Google Co Dependent. Welcome to SR!! Please read the stickies above they are quite helpful and may provide you with more insight.
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