People Pleasing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
People Pleasing
I've been out of town for a while and it's good to be back and read posts of sanity!
I'm looking for ES&H regarding people pleasing.
I am discovering what a huge role this plays in my life. I was not aware because I'm not a particularly "obvious" people pleaser. I am fairly self-assured and don't really mind going against the flow. Before recovery I was very comfortable giving out my (unsolicited) opinion regardless of anyone's reaction or approval.
So all of that and more had me thinking for a long time that I don't have very strong people pleasing issues.
WRONG!
Anyway, I'd love to hear about your own battles with this and how you keep it from running your life. I'd say I'm in the "awareness" phase of the 3 As (awareness, acceptance, action) so I'm still trying to identify all the ways I do it.
Thanks!
abc
I'm looking for ES&H regarding people pleasing.
I am discovering what a huge role this plays in my life. I was not aware because I'm not a particularly "obvious" people pleaser. I am fairly self-assured and don't really mind going against the flow. Before recovery I was very comfortable giving out my (unsolicited) opinion regardless of anyone's reaction or approval.
So all of that and more had me thinking for a long time that I don't have very strong people pleasing issues.
WRONG!
Anyway, I'd love to hear about your own battles with this and how you keep it from running your life. I'd say I'm in the "awareness" phase of the 3 As (awareness, acceptance, action) so I'm still trying to identify all the ways I do it.
Thanks!
abc
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Can't say I'm an expert, but I've got lots of experience with being a people-pleaser at times. When I'm struggling I tend to go to readings from Melody Beattie to ponder and meditate on-
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
People-Pleasers
Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety- producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
People-Pleasers
Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety- producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Astro 
Can't say I'm an expert, but I've got lots of experience with being a people-pleaser at times. When I'm struggling I tend to go to readings from Melody Beattie to ponder and meditate on-
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
People-Pleasers
Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety- producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
People-Pleasers
Have you ever been around people-pleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxiety- producing.
People-pleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust.
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Thanks for sharing this , I'm a people-pleaser myself. Something I know I need to work on. If I plan on ever making my own self happy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1
Hi abcdefg
I used to be a big people pleaser. More like I used to lay down and let people walk all over me.
I learned very slowly not to do things that I don't want to do because I found in the end I was the one that was always hurt by doing things for others and not getting anything in return.
I think also I put such high expectations on others to reciprocate that I was never happy with anyone in the end.
I think it's great that you are at least aware of it. Next time you want to do something to please someone else, try to take a second to think of what the consequences of doing that will be. People may be upset with you at first for putting yourself before them, but in the end those who truly care about you will stick around.
I used to be a big people pleaser. More like I used to lay down and let people walk all over me.
I learned very slowly not to do things that I don't want to do because I found in the end I was the one that was always hurt by doing things for others and not getting anything in return.
I think also I put such high expectations on others to reciprocate that I was never happy with anyone in the end.
I think it's great that you are at least aware of it. Next time you want to do something to please someone else, try to take a second to think of what the consequences of doing that will be. People may be upset with you at first for putting yourself before them, but in the end those who truly care about you will stick around.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I Think I tried to be a people pleaser because I grew up with A's and You do whatever you have to in order to keep the "peace" I then lived with my XABF for 13 years and no matter what I did it was never good enough. The High expectation idea rings true for me too.
I never looked for a pat on the back but didnt think it should be so hard for someone to appreciate things.
Being around selfish A's who are never satisfied made me feel that i could never do anything right so maybe I tried harder and harder.
I'm just now learning how to sit back and not jump right up and help everyone. I can't help myself with elderly folks though. I always want to help them!
I never looked for a pat on the back but didnt think it should be so hard for someone to appreciate things.
Being around selfish A's who are never satisfied made me feel that i could never do anything right so maybe I tried harder and harder.
I'm just now learning how to sit back and not jump right up and help everyone. I can't help myself with elderly folks though. I always want to help them!
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Glad to see you back abc!
Well I'm totally a people pleaser, to a point. My problem is, is that once someone hurts me or does something inappropriate to me, I tend to get very angry and cut that person out of my life. I'm trying to find a happy meduim and I'm working through this with my counselor.
If someone likes me and vice versa I will let them usually walk all over me. I don't know how to be very assertive. It's kind of like an all or nothing thing and I'm really tired of it and hope I can find the path I need to be on with this. It causes me so much greif at times.
Well I'm totally a people pleaser, to a point. My problem is, is that once someone hurts me or does something inappropriate to me, I tend to get very angry and cut that person out of my life. I'm trying to find a happy meduim and I'm working through this with my counselor.
If someone likes me and vice versa I will let them usually walk all over me. I don't know how to be very assertive. It's kind of like an all or nothing thing and I'm really tired of it and hope I can find the path I need to be on with this. It causes me so much greif at times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
these are all really helpful posts. please keep 'em coming!!
i am really starting to appreciate how impossible it was to please BOTH my parents -- one drank every day, one did not.
i always thought it was my dad who could not be pleased. that is true and he was horribly verbally abusive throughout my childhood. but i've only realized in the past couple of years that my mom was equally impossible but went about it totally differently. she really expected me to fulfill her emotionally and make her happy, and even claimed i COULD make her happy, but she never WAS happy. not feeling entitled to anything herself, she developed extraordinary skills of manipulation. she was my haven from my dad and would often praise me for my efforts and offerings (he only belittled them) so her dysfunction in this way was minimized. as a kid i didn't get this but as an adult i'm starting to see what that is all about.
i'm not saying any of this to blame them. they did what they could with what they had. they were each horrifically scarred from their own childhoods and nobody had Oprah shows back then or sections in Barnes&Noble called "Self Help."
anyway, i'm hoping to continue gaining clarity and insight on myself. i appreciate the shares.
i am really starting to appreciate how impossible it was to please BOTH my parents -- one drank every day, one did not.
i always thought it was my dad who could not be pleased. that is true and he was horribly verbally abusive throughout my childhood. but i've only realized in the past couple of years that my mom was equally impossible but went about it totally differently. she really expected me to fulfill her emotionally and make her happy, and even claimed i COULD make her happy, but she never WAS happy. not feeling entitled to anything herself, she developed extraordinary skills of manipulation. she was my haven from my dad and would often praise me for my efforts and offerings (he only belittled them) so her dysfunction in this way was minimized. as a kid i didn't get this but as an adult i'm starting to see what that is all about.
i'm not saying any of this to blame them. they did what they could with what they had. they were each horrifically scarred from their own childhoods and nobody had Oprah shows back then or sections in Barnes&Noble called "Self Help."
anyway, i'm hoping to continue gaining clarity and insight on myself. i appreciate the shares.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
People pleaser, yep. Getting better at STOPPING myself-yep again. Detachment and thinking about how I want to divest my energy really is empowering in this regard. Eliminating users (both addictive and nonaddictive) from my life also helps!
ABCDEFG, I know that as the wife of an A and a mother, I did find a great deal of happiness in my children. They brought me joy just being in their presence. When my youngest flew the nest off to college, I did realize I vested too much of my happiness in her and not in creating more of a life for myself. I was absolutely heartbroken! But I did not share those feelings with her at the time as I wanted her to be happy and successful in school. It took me a while to work through "starting over" in creating a life that was about me and me alone, but it's so fun now! I understand where your mom is coming from, ABCDEFG, but it's never too late for her to "start over" also!
ABCDEFG, I know that as the wife of an A and a mother, I did find a great deal of happiness in my children. They brought me joy just being in their presence. When my youngest flew the nest off to college, I did realize I vested too much of my happiness in her and not in creating more of a life for myself. I was absolutely heartbroken! But I did not share those feelings with her at the time as I wanted her to be happy and successful in school. It took me a while to work through "starting over" in creating a life that was about me and me alone, but it's so fun now! I understand where your mom is coming from, ABCDEFG, but it's never too late for her to "start over" also!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Astro
People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile a minute .
Originally Posted by Astro
Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Originally Posted by Astro
We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers.
Originally Posted by Astro
We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, people-pleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
I would get bitter when others would cancel plans to take care of themselves. The way I thought about it was that they should sacrifice for me, because I sacrificed for them - I've had a lot of bosses with this mentality. Now that I'm pleasing ME I am starting to respect when others take care of themselves and not take it personally. I also am investing less of myself in others, and in turn don't expect huge sacrifices from others.
Now, I really "get" that making time for me gives me the ability to make time to spend with others. Pleasing myself helps me be more social and likeable.
Thanks for posting this Astro!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Wow cage I think you described me there to a tee! How can I possibly post now! 
Astro awesome post I just love that woman!
Yup uh huh
I was a HUGE people pleaser! I dropped everything and went running even if I was sick as a dog! "It had to get done or this person would hate me and I could not have that" and when I did do things which I thought in my eyes was the greatest thing I could do and did not get the recognition that I thought I should have I was crushed!!! And thought of ways to fix that and fix them by buying, giving, dropping my life for theirs! Hmmmm that did not work either!
I stayed in a cloud where I only existed for others and thinking of ways to get them to like me! (Funny because I did not like myself how would anyone possibly like me?)…I put my life on hold i.e. everything!
When one day I realized that using the word NO really felt good! It stung at first however it became easier in time! Today I say yes when I really have the time to do something for someone because it no longer takes away from my life! It feels GRAND!
Great thread abcdefg!
Astro awesome post I just love that woman!
Yup uh huh
I was a HUGE people pleaser! I dropped everything and went running even if I was sick as a dog! "It had to get done or this person would hate me and I could not have that" and when I did do things which I thought in my eyes was the greatest thing I could do and did not get the recognition that I thought I should have I was crushed!!! And thought of ways to fix that and fix them by buying, giving, dropping my life for theirs! Hmmmm that did not work either! I stayed in a cloud where I only existed for others and thinking of ways to get them to like me! (Funny because I did not like myself how would anyone possibly like me?)…I put my life on hold i.e. everything!
When one day I realized that using the word NO really felt good! It stung at first however it became easier in time! Today I say yes when I really have the time to do something for someone because it no longer takes away from my life! It feels GRAND!
Great thread abcdefg!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Great Post!
I'm a people pleaser personified....UNTIL more recently! I have let the world walk all over me and forgive in seconds for any wrong doing towards me. I was the biggest "miss fix it" and there was nothing i couldn't make right without anyone trying on their own. I people pleased my ENTIRE relationship with J.
Only in the past few months have I stood my ground, taken care of me and not let people walk all over me. NOW the problem is that people don't know how to take the "new" me and some say I'm b!tchy which I'm not, just not taking any more bs from my friends or brother! Couldn't tell you the last time i cried over thinking someone was mad at me.
My biggest challenge i'm facing right now is that a few of us rented a house for vacation and my good friend hasn't spoken to me in a week and a half because i didn't invite her to go too! I thought she had other plans but it's now my fault. And I'm trying not to let it bother me because no one is knocking down my door to rent a house with and go away with! People truly amaze me! I can't even get my own place and do what I want without repercussion!! BUT i haven't fed into her childish ways....
I was the person that if you said hi to me the wrong way i would dwell for days as to why you were mad at me!! I could go on for days here lol...it's refreshing to do what i want/when i want!!!
I'm a people pleaser personified....UNTIL more recently! I have let the world walk all over me and forgive in seconds for any wrong doing towards me. I was the biggest "miss fix it" and there was nothing i couldn't make right without anyone trying on their own. I people pleased my ENTIRE relationship with J.
Only in the past few months have I stood my ground, taken care of me and not let people walk all over me. NOW the problem is that people don't know how to take the "new" me and some say I'm b!tchy which I'm not, just not taking any more bs from my friends or brother! Couldn't tell you the last time i cried over thinking someone was mad at me.
My biggest challenge i'm facing right now is that a few of us rented a house for vacation and my good friend hasn't spoken to me in a week and a half because i didn't invite her to go too! I thought she had other plans but it's now my fault. And I'm trying not to let it bother me because no one is knocking down my door to rent a house with and go away with! People truly amaze me! I can't even get my own place and do what I want without repercussion!! BUT i haven't fed into her childish ways....
I was the person that if you said hi to me the wrong way i would dwell for days as to why you were mad at me!! I could go on for days here lol...it's refreshing to do what i want/when i want!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
until I started 12 step work in AA, I'd thought I'd stopped people pleasing behaviours, but have discovered there is so much more inner work to be addressed.
Doing my own 4th step, which involves taking a searching and fearless moral inventory....I realized how much of my codependency was/is or can be wrapped up in taking everyone else's inventory and sitting back and doing nothing about my own.
To be an accomplished people pleaser depends, to a large extent, upon the skills of other people "inventory-taking", other people "mind reading" and planning the future of my relationship with other people. All aspects of insecurity (leads to controlling) and (arrogance) playing god, I have learned.
So, the way to recover for me, from people pleasing behavior is to keep turning every situation and relationship over to my higher power as well as to the higher powers of all involved, to trust that whatever responses I receive from being authentic will be just right. That I am willing to experience displeasure without feeling emotionally annihilated is amazingly liberating!
thanks for the topic. Great thread!
Doing my own 4th step, which involves taking a searching and fearless moral inventory....I realized how much of my codependency was/is or can be wrapped up in taking everyone else's inventory and sitting back and doing nothing about my own.
To be an accomplished people pleaser depends, to a large extent, upon the skills of other people "inventory-taking", other people "mind reading" and planning the future of my relationship with other people. All aspects of insecurity (leads to controlling) and (arrogance) playing god, I have learned.
So, the way to recover for me, from people pleasing behavior is to keep turning every situation and relationship over to my higher power as well as to the higher powers of all involved, to trust that whatever responses I receive from being authentic will be just right. That I am willing to experience displeasure without feeling emotionally annihilated is amazingly liberating!
thanks for the topic. Great thread!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
To be an accomplished people pleaser depends, to a large extent, upon the skills of other people "inventory-taking", other people "mind reading" and planning the future of my relationship with other people. All aspects of insecurity (leads to controlling) and (arrogance) playing god, I have learned.
oh, bingo.
that's what i believe i'm really circling now. i find myself trying to please/control your feelings before there even IS a situation to control. you're right. it's a tremendous amount of focus on others. hmmmmm.
i am glad to have this to think on.
thanks for ALL these posts. they are all helping. anyone else who wants to weigh in, i'm listening!
oh, bingo.
that's what i believe i'm really circling now. i find myself trying to please/control your feelings before there even IS a situation to control. you're right. it's a tremendous amount of focus on others. hmmmmm.
i am glad to have this to think on.
thanks for ALL these posts. they are all helping. anyone else who wants to weigh in, i'm listening!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
