NeedHappiness

I need to know if my poor self esteem or my feeling sorry for him are why I cannot ask my AH bf to leave. We have been together almost 3 years but we dated each other for one summer 20 years ago. Have been friends for many years and when I went through my divorce and my Mother having to be put into nursing facility, HE was the only one there for me. In the beginning I drank heavily so I don't think I realized what a problem my AH really had. Now I rarily even have a glass of wine because I am so filled up with HIS drinking and don't want to be around it.

My AH has had terrible losses in the past year and that makes it almost impossible for me to ask him to leave, although I know it will eventually come to that. He had major surgery last June, lost his sister unexpectedly the 4th of July.....the same evening his only son got married. At her funeral his mother told the family that her cancer had come back and was in her brain and bones. He lost a close aunt the next week. That was all last summer. Now this year, he has started a new job, lost his mother 5 weeks ago, having battles over his 14 yr old daughter that her Maternal grandparents are raising. Sometimes I wonder WHEN is going to be the right time to get out of this relationship. I feel so badly for him that I continue to put up with all the caos. I want to always be his friend because I DO care about him deeply, but not in a "partner" kind of way. We are more friends than we are lovers. I don't even care about sex anymore because the only time he is interested is when he is half lit! The thought of it makes me sick!!

MY problem is, everytime I think I feel brave enough to ask him to leave, something happens that makes me feel sorry for him.. Or I see him trying to do better and I gain hope again. That never lasts, as he still doesn't care about himself! I just hate for him to feel like another disaster has happened to him and feel like no one loves him. I DO love him! that's the problem. I make up excuses for his behavior, I lie about why he isni't attending family events and I can't even have fun at a firends party because I am too worried about him getting drunk and embarrassing me. I don't want him to leave because he will take our dog with him and she is my only child. When he's drinking he talks mean to her and you can tell she is afraid of him. He never hurts her, but he gets this mean way of talking to her and she cowers down and goes to him. I need OUT of this relationship but I am terrified of being alone! My mother has Alzheimers and I rely on my AH to be there for me when I am down. I can't stand the thought of going home to an empty house. I could go on and on, but I think I have said enough for now.
When is the right time to ask him to leave?

cmc

Welcome to SR.

I can't give you an answer to your question about self esteem or feeling sorry for him.
What would be the difference if it were one or the other? I have found that exploring all the reasons why I used to enable someone or settle for less... never helped me to change.

What helped me was therapy, attending Alanon and coming here. There will always be things in life that need to be dealt with and I have learned to be at peace with myself no matter what other people are doing or whatever troubles life brings.

I learned in Alanon that _I_ can change. I can't control what somebody else does I can make good choices about myself for myself.

NeedHappiness

Thanks for your input. I guess I need to find an alanon meeting in my area.

prodigal

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. Please read the stickies at the top of our forum. There is a wealth of information to be read about addiction and codependency.

The "something" that happens that makes you feel sorry for him is you. Your guilt. Your need to rescue. Your need to be there for him. This is an adult male. He, just like all of us, has his share of personal tragedies. Some of us have more, some less. Regardless, we all face death of loved ones. Ultimately, we all must face our own death. We are ALL terminal, you know.

Pinning your hopes on someone else getting better is a form of denial. If he wants to get better he will, whether you're in the picture or not. If he doesn't care for himself, you certainly can't care enough to make up for his deficit.

I once had an Al-Anon'er tell me, "We can all love our addicts, but most of the time we have to love them from a distance." How true.

Only you can decide when YOU want to start your own recovery, tend to your own life and your own business, and leave him to tend to his. Compassion is a wonderful thing. Feeling sorry for someone or pitying them is not.

I can only give you my opinions and share my own experience, strength, and hope (ES&H). I worked at detachment for several years. I had to actively practice it. I still feel compassion for my AH, but he made up his mind to make booze his number one priority. His choice. His consequences. How he chooses to deal with the tragedies of life are his affair; not mine.

Only MY own personal business is MY business.

NeedHappiness

Thank you, Prodigal, for sharing your feelings and experiences. I never thought about myself being in denial, but it now makes sense. Also, my need to rescue is something I have fought for years. I think a lot of this stems from my having to be the caregiver for my mom. This dates back to my childhood, before Mom was diagnoswed with Alzheimers. My dad wasn't very nice to her and I was ALWAYS defending her.
Thank you for showing me another viewpoint.

MsPINKAcres

((Needhappiness))

Welcome to SR - I would encourage you also to find those f2f meetings, read recovery literature, keep reaching out for help here on SR - all those wonderful healthy things that can help us who have been affected by other people's drinking.

I have learned many things in my time in recovery, one of the healthy things is that I need to distinguish the difference between compassion and HEALTHY compassion. Compassion is a slippery slope for me - I can slip right back in to enabling, controlling, and manipulating behaviors, which in turn makes me insane, unhappy and disstressed.

I have to focus on detachment with healthy compassion, love and self-respect. Remembering that each adult individual is responsible for their own self-care - in allowing them to do so - I am giving them the opportunity to develop their own self-esteem, dignity and self-respect. This is a win-win situation. Although they may not understand or accept that opportunity - that has nothing to do with me. My side of the street is clean and has pure motives - my HP's best for everyone.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!


Al-Anon has helped me to use tools that I never knew I had! It is a great source of dealing with life on my terms today-Giving it a shot sounds like a good plan!

IMHO only you can decide when you have had enough-I had to find this out on my own when the time was for him to go....after keeping myself in denial that not only did he have a drinking problem, I had my own issues/problems and I needed to find a solution for ME! Not for him.

Just like my XAB and my brother's who are A's I have choice's ( Something I was unaware of-imagine that!)....Today I make choice's that are right for me and not for others-I allow others to deal with their consequences from their own behavior. I cannot fix them, cure them or control them-I can only do that for me!

This is a favorite of mine-I have it on a card in my wallet...

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This idea assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.

Just for today I will focus on what I can control, not on the things I can't control. I will also realize that the only one I can truly control is myself.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, and criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

NeedHappiness

I am SO VERY grategul to have found this website. I honestly felt like it's been only me up against this whole situation of my A bf's drinking problem until I came here and read others stories. I wish none of us had to go through this, but like any other disease I guess I will have to deal with it as seen fit.
I think one of the biggest obstacles I have found is that no one else (family nor friends) seem to "care" about my A bf's drinking problem. They all know there's a problem but they all choose to ignore it or enable it. I have always wondered WHY none of them tried to get through to him. I am realizing that I cannot be his savior....he must WANT to get better and he must do it on his own. I have dealt with it for almost 3 years now and its not one bit easier than it was on day 1. I've been telling myself for over a year that "this time is IT!" Then by the next day I have calmed down about it, let it slide again and prayed it won't happen again. wrong!
I plan on attending an Al-Anon meeting in my area this Friday night. I am a little nervous that I might go in there and see someone who knows me. I know this shouldn't be an issue, but I have already been embarrassed enough by my A bf's behavior. I also don't want to sit there and cry the entire time, but I am such an emotional mess I feel certain that will happen.

Another thing that is bothering me is my upcoming vacation. I have 5 days off over Memorial weekend and have planned a big camping trip. Of course my A bf will be there and I am nervous that he will ruin my trip. I don't even feel comfortable taking myself a bottle of wine or a 6 pack because that will only coax him into drinking himself. Last year we camped 2 times and he ruined both trip by staying slaughtered the entire time. I mean, when a person opens his first beer by 9am, (AFTER he has barfed and gagged his guts up from the night before) what is he to expect? Drunk by noon and the whole day ruined!! I wish I had not even asked him to go but its too late for that. I did manage to get an extra day to go to the lake early and set up. I will have the entire day to myself and hope to do some soul-searching.

Can anyone tell me approximately how far along in the disease he might be if he is gagging and getting sick every morning after a night of drinking? He claims its "his sinuses draining in his throat" but its funny how that never happens after a sober night!
I also appreciate what you sent, Rella, and I think I will print it off as a daily reminder to myself to take care of ME.
thanks you so much.
I am so happy to have found this website.

SailorKaren

OMG! My dear friend advised me that if I stayed long enough with AlAnon, I would hear my story. This is not my exact story, but I've heard that exact phrase from my ex as her excuse for having uncontrollable choking and coughing spasms that would wake me out of a dead sleep and make me worry she would code out in front of me. No way it could be related to 20+ years of hardcore smoking and rum and cokes every night... Sigh.

fluffyflea

Hi,

Probably both things do, it would good for you to get to some Alanon meetings.

Poor self-esteem and feeling sorry for someone dictated my life for many years.

Ngaire