Hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
Hope
My husband has been on a binge since Friday. I was at my wits end, and just didn't know what to do. I just couldn't figure out how to get him to stop drinking.
I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night. Didn't say much, just cried and cried. Then I went to my parents house and my mom's best friend was there and talked to me about Al Anon and how she went for 2 years and it was the best thing. I decided to go to another meeting this morning and bought the book "One day at a time..." I read yesterday and todays reading, and it was absolutely spot on how i felt.
Yesterdays was about how all I could think of was how to get my spouse to stop drinking and that I needed to think about myself. And todays reading was about self worth and not letting my AH beat me down.
It was exactly how I was feeling!
I have so much work to do on myself. I truly hope that my husband decides to get help. We are young, and haven't even been married a year yet. I am not ready to give up on him, but I can't live this way anymore.
It is now time to concentrate on myself!
I went to my first Al Anon meeting last night. Didn't say much, just cried and cried. Then I went to my parents house and my mom's best friend was there and talked to me about Al Anon and how she went for 2 years and it was the best thing. I decided to go to another meeting this morning and bought the book "One day at a time..." I read yesterday and todays reading, and it was absolutely spot on how i felt.
Yesterdays was about how all I could think of was how to get my spouse to stop drinking and that I needed to think about myself. And todays reading was about self worth and not letting my AH beat me down.
It was exactly how I was feeling!
I have so much work to do on myself. I truly hope that my husband decides to get help. We are young, and haven't even been married a year yet. I am not ready to give up on him, but I can't live this way anymore.
It is now time to concentrate on myself!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi EmJayne,
Good for you on going to Al-anon. It is the best thing I did learning how to work on me again. I am happier now than I have been in years.
Good luck on your inner journey and keep posting!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Good for you on going to Al-anon. It is the best thing I did learning how to work on me again. I am happier now than I have been in years.
Good luck on your inner journey and keep posting!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My heart goes out to you. I have been married over a year. It is good that you have hope. .
There is a good book called "Getting Them Sober, Volume I."
Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications
Here is a good article that has been helpful to me:
Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Are you married to an alcoholic? Is your husband/wife a different person when they drink? Are you tired of the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde Behavior? Are you at your wits end and just can’t take it anymore? What can you do?
1. Stop trying to get your husband/wife to stop drinking.
No matter how much you nag and complain at them to stop drinking, it is not going to do a bit of good. What will is taking care of you. I know, it sounds backwards, but when you’re emotionally stressed out, it will be more difficult to help your loved one. You have no verbal power over the alcoholic. What you do have control over is your actions. What you do and say to the alcoholic will have a direct effect on whether or not they will continue drinking or not.
2. Detach with love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
3. Set boundaries
Did you know that the person who takes the verbal abuse of an alcoholic is sometimes just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic? This is why it is absolutely necessary, especially for spouses of alcoholics, to set boundaries for themselves while the alcoholic is drinking.
Don’t allow their roller coaster emotions to affect you. At least do not let them see that they are affecting you. The alcoholic wants to get a reaction out of you, don’t give them that satisfaction. When they are drinking, treat them like a stranger. Remember, you love the person you married, but you do not love the disease. Don’t be nice to the disease but love the person. Do you understand?
4. Do not enable the alcoholic
Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.
5. Be supportive when they are sober
When the alcoholic in your life is sober, give them extra special attention. Tell them how much you love them, but not the disease. Talk to them about your new boundaries when they are sober. Write them on the refrigerator so they can’t say they forgot. Basically let them know all the bad and awful things they do to you and the rest of the family while they are drinking. They need to know.
6. Go to Alan-on
This is very important when you are living with an alcoholic. This is how you heal yourself from the abuses of the alcoholic. This is where you will meet friends who are going through the same things as you. You are not alone.
7. Pray everyday
Never relent in your silent appeals to God for your spouse’s sobriety. I cannot say enough how important it is to keep a well balanced mind, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when living with an alcoholic. They can literally tear you apart. I encourage you to seek God for your comfort and encouragement during this difficult time in your life. God answers our incessant appeals for healing. He feels our suffering and pain. Please do not give up hope.
There is a good book called "Getting Them Sober, Volume I."
Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications
Here is a good article that has been helpful to me:
Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober
Are you married to an alcoholic? Is your husband/wife a different person when they drink? Are you tired of the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde Behavior? Are you at your wits end and just can’t take it anymore? What can you do?
1. Stop trying to get your husband/wife to stop drinking.
No matter how much you nag and complain at them to stop drinking, it is not going to do a bit of good. What will is taking care of you. I know, it sounds backwards, but when you’re emotionally stressed out, it will be more difficult to help your loved one. You have no verbal power over the alcoholic. What you do have control over is your actions. What you do and say to the alcoholic will have a direct effect on whether or not they will continue drinking or not.
2. Detach with love.
Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.
3. Set boundaries
Did you know that the person who takes the verbal abuse of an alcoholic is sometimes just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic? This is why it is absolutely necessary, especially for spouses of alcoholics, to set boundaries for themselves while the alcoholic is drinking.
Don’t allow their roller coaster emotions to affect you. At least do not let them see that they are affecting you. The alcoholic wants to get a reaction out of you, don’t give them that satisfaction. When they are drinking, treat them like a stranger. Remember, you love the person you married, but you do not love the disease. Don’t be nice to the disease but love the person. Do you understand?
4. Do not enable the alcoholic
Don’t help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don’t help them to bed. Don’t let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don’t let them drive! Don’t treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don’t give them any special attention while they are drinking.
5. Be supportive when they are sober
When the alcoholic in your life is sober, give them extra special attention. Tell them how much you love them, but not the disease. Talk to them about your new boundaries when they are sober. Write them on the refrigerator so they can’t say they forgot. Basically let them know all the bad and awful things they do to you and the rest of the family while they are drinking. They need to know.
6. Go to Alan-on
This is very important when you are living with an alcoholic. This is how you heal yourself from the abuses of the alcoholic. This is where you will meet friends who are going through the same things as you. You are not alone.
7. Pray everyday
Never relent in your silent appeals to God for your spouse’s sobriety. I cannot say enough how important it is to keep a well balanced mind, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when living with an alcoholic. They can literally tear you apart. I encourage you to seek God for your comfort and encouragement during this difficult time in your life. God answers our incessant appeals for healing. He feels our suffering and pain. Please do not give up hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
Pretty Violets! Thank you so much for that post!!! I am starting to realize that I have been doing everything wrong, and I actually feel better knowing that than I have in a long time.
My main problem and concern is stopping him from driving. He takes off ALL THE TIME and drinks in the car so that I don't see him drinking. He does not do this daily, just when he is bingeing. He can go months and months without drinking, and then bam...binge! He went 3 months without drinking. I hide his keys at night so that he can't leave in the middle of the night, but I have no control over what he does when I am at work.
My main problem and concern is stopping him from driving. He takes off ALL THE TIME and drinks in the car so that I don't see him drinking. He does not do this daily, just when he is bingeing. He can go months and months without drinking, and then bam...binge! He went 3 months without drinking. I hide his keys at night so that he can't leave in the middle of the night, but I have no control over what he does when I am at work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I had to remember that my husband was an adult, and that if he chose to drink and drive then he would responsible if he got a DUI or got into an accident. I could be supportive and suggest that he not drive if he was intoxicated or take the keys away from him for his safety and other people's safety.
Honestly, you cannot be everywhere. Recovery for an alcoholic is realizing they have to be an adult and take care of themself and someone else is not always going to be there to clean up the mess. The alcoholic has to hit rock bottom and realize that they are powerless over the addiction and truly want to change.
I took my husband off of my USAA auto insurance policy in October. That was a smart move for me. He totaled his car into a median in November and woke up in the hospital--my husband blacked out.
I remember being so worried about him getting a DUI. I am just thankful that he was not hurt. He is facing his first DUI from that accident.
My husband is in recovery right now. He goes to AA almost every day. He is in a recovery program. And he posts on www.soberrecovery.com as well. He had to work on his own recovery. I could not do it for him. I could only work on my own recovery. I am very thankful to God.
Honestly, you cannot be everywhere. Recovery for an alcoholic is realizing they have to be an adult and take care of themself and someone else is not always going to be there to clean up the mess. The alcoholic has to hit rock bottom and realize that they are powerless over the addiction and truly want to change.
I took my husband off of my USAA auto insurance policy in October. That was a smart move for me. He totaled his car into a median in November and woke up in the hospital--my husband blacked out.
I remember being so worried about him getting a DUI. I am just thankful that he was not hurt. He is facing his first DUI from that accident.
My husband is in recovery right now. He goes to AA almost every day. He is in a recovery program. And he posts on www.soberrecovery.com as well. He had to work on his own recovery. I could not do it for him. I could only work on my own recovery. I am very thankful to God.
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