Scared .........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 7
Scared .........
Hi All!
I'm new to this forum and I must say, the posts I have read are extremely helpful. I'm not sure where to begin, so I hope you bear with me.
I recently became involved with a recovering heroin addict. He's currently in prison serving a sentence for armed robbery. He gets out of prison in 2009 and this is what has me frightened.
He's currently doing his "classes" that the prison has to offer in the way of redirecting your lifestyle and he also attends ACOA classes too. I visit him often and we sit and talk for hours and sitting there and listening to him, he sounds so well adjusted - like he's got it all together. And while he has no choice of holding it together in prison, I'm scared of when he returns to the outside world.
He's been "clean" now for 5 years. I'm scared to talk to him about it. I want to know if he gets "cravings". I want to know if he thinks about using again. But I'm scared to ask. Not because of the answer that I might hear, but because if he's not thinking about it, I don't want him to start thinking about it. I'm scared of what will "trigger" him.
I'm not a user - never have been. I know I need to be good, solid support for him and I'm trying. I'm scared that when he returns to the outside, he might have a problem finding employment because he is a felon and that the pressure will be too much for him and he'll return to using again.
I love this man dearly. And I know I cannot change him - only he can do that for himself. I just need to know, how can I be the good support that he needs? What do I do if he comes home one night high? I'm scared to death. He's seen a brother and cousin die from an OD.
He's 50 years old. He's been told he has an "addictive" personality. A good portion of his life has been drug related or getting arrested or spending stints of time in prison. This last prison sentence has been his longest. I just recently told him that this prison sentence, gave him back his life. And it has. And I'm happy for him. He knows what he needs to do when he's returned to the outside world. But knowing and doing are two different things.
I'm scared. I need to be his "postiive" in his life. I know I can do it, I just need to know where do I begin? What support groups can I attend? I think that by gaining my knowledge now, instead of waiting until he comes out, will help me in the long run.
I'm just scared. His stories that he tells every once in a while when he used scares me because I look at him now and see the person that he hs - gentel, caring, loving and then hearing his stories about his abuse and how he was hurting himself using - well, it hurts me in return. I don't like to see someone who has such a gentle, caring personality, hurting themselves. Is this something I need to "get over"?
It's hard to put feelings int words. I love this man, I need to be his good, solid support - but where do I begin? I don't want to feel like I'm always waling on eggshells or that if he goes out one Saturday night that he's going back to his "spot". Is this nromal thinking for me? Should I be thinking these things or am I over reacting. Sure, I know I could be thinking of things that may never happen - but I also need to be prepared if they do.
Just as a side note, I did not know this man when he was using. Actually, I found him "accidentally". We went to grammer school together. I work in the legal field and one day went to the DOC website for my job. I found the "inmate" search button and put in his name. There it was - right in front of me. I couldn't believe it. 37 years later, I found him. He was my first boyfriend when I was 12 - he gave me my first kiss. I wrote to him as a friend from the neighborhood and things just really took off from there. I believe all things happen for a reason and that's why I truly believe that all of this has happened for a reason. I know that if I had written him when he was first incarcerated, he wouldn't have been ready for me to be a part of his life. He is now. Fate, could be. Sometimes it's just too overwhelming to see how things have unfolded. Like 37 years never passed - we just picked up where we left off.
I know that with all the wisdom, understanding, and life experiences that are on this forum, I will receive alot of good, solid advice. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that more than I can even begin to tell you all.
Thank you - thank you all again ....
I'm new to this forum and I must say, the posts I have read are extremely helpful. I'm not sure where to begin, so I hope you bear with me.
I recently became involved with a recovering heroin addict. He's currently in prison serving a sentence for armed robbery. He gets out of prison in 2009 and this is what has me frightened.
He's currently doing his "classes" that the prison has to offer in the way of redirecting your lifestyle and he also attends ACOA classes too. I visit him often and we sit and talk for hours and sitting there and listening to him, he sounds so well adjusted - like he's got it all together. And while he has no choice of holding it together in prison, I'm scared of when he returns to the outside world.
He's been "clean" now for 5 years. I'm scared to talk to him about it. I want to know if he gets "cravings". I want to know if he thinks about using again. But I'm scared to ask. Not because of the answer that I might hear, but because if he's not thinking about it, I don't want him to start thinking about it. I'm scared of what will "trigger" him.
I'm not a user - never have been. I know I need to be good, solid support for him and I'm trying. I'm scared that when he returns to the outside, he might have a problem finding employment because he is a felon and that the pressure will be too much for him and he'll return to using again.
I love this man dearly. And I know I cannot change him - only he can do that for himself. I just need to know, how can I be the good support that he needs? What do I do if he comes home one night high? I'm scared to death. He's seen a brother and cousin die from an OD.
He's 50 years old. He's been told he has an "addictive" personality. A good portion of his life has been drug related or getting arrested or spending stints of time in prison. This last prison sentence has been his longest. I just recently told him that this prison sentence, gave him back his life. And it has. And I'm happy for him. He knows what he needs to do when he's returned to the outside world. But knowing and doing are two different things.
I'm scared. I need to be his "postiive" in his life. I know I can do it, I just need to know where do I begin? What support groups can I attend? I think that by gaining my knowledge now, instead of waiting until he comes out, will help me in the long run.
I'm just scared. His stories that he tells every once in a while when he used scares me because I look at him now and see the person that he hs - gentel, caring, loving and then hearing his stories about his abuse and how he was hurting himself using - well, it hurts me in return. I don't like to see someone who has such a gentle, caring personality, hurting themselves. Is this something I need to "get over"?
It's hard to put feelings int words. I love this man, I need to be his good, solid support - but where do I begin? I don't want to feel like I'm always waling on eggshells or that if he goes out one Saturday night that he's going back to his "spot". Is this nromal thinking for me? Should I be thinking these things or am I over reacting. Sure, I know I could be thinking of things that may never happen - but I also need to be prepared if they do.
Just as a side note, I did not know this man when he was using. Actually, I found him "accidentally". We went to grammer school together. I work in the legal field and one day went to the DOC website for my job. I found the "inmate" search button and put in his name. There it was - right in front of me. I couldn't believe it. 37 years later, I found him. He was my first boyfriend when I was 12 - he gave me my first kiss. I wrote to him as a friend from the neighborhood and things just really took off from there. I believe all things happen for a reason and that's why I truly believe that all of this has happened for a reason. I know that if I had written him when he was first incarcerated, he wouldn't have been ready for me to be a part of his life. He is now. Fate, could be. Sometimes it's just too overwhelming to see how things have unfolded. Like 37 years never passed - we just picked up where we left off.
I know that with all the wisdom, understanding, and life experiences that are on this forum, I will receive alot of good, solid advice. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that more than I can even begin to tell you all.
Thank you - thank you all again ....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome, kitten1956
Yes you have a good reason to be concerned.
the stock answer is 1st take care of your self,
ie ALANON, ask the questions you need to ask him,
and find out all you can. Be carefull with your feelings,
absolutly insist on a mutual, complemtary, program of recovery.
Believe me you will not upset his apple cart.
Showing real concern, shows your feelings.
PS there will be other people coming along shortly
with some good advice, again welcome.
God Bless and Good Luck
Yes you have a good reason to be concerned.
the stock answer is 1st take care of your self,
ie ALANON, ask the questions you need to ask him,
and find out all you can. Be carefull with your feelings,
absolutly insist on a mutual, complemtary, program of recovery.
Believe me you will not upset his apple cart.
Showing real concern, shows your feelings.
PS there will be other people coming along shortly
with some good advice, again welcome.
God Bless and Good Luck
Last edited by geees poncho; 05-13-2008 at 07:05 AM.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Welcome Kitten to SR....
I understand your concern for his sobriety. Like Geese said, Alanon is a great start! If it were me, and i'm only speaking for me, i would wonder why i would want to newly get involved with someone that's an addict AND in prision for the next year or so. I found it hard enough to be with an alcoholic nevermind alson in prision. I would want and deserve better for my life. Just a thought. Others will be along with great advice soon.
I understand your concern for his sobriety. Like Geese said, Alanon is a great start! If it were me, and i'm only speaking for me, i would wonder why i would want to newly get involved with someone that's an addict AND in prision for the next year or so. I found it hard enough to be with an alcoholic nevermind alson in prision. I would want and deserve better for my life. Just a thought. Others will be along with great advice soon.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Kitten! 
Glad that you found us! There is a lot of support here...you may want to check out the other forum too http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/ and look at the stickies on the top of the forum.
So sorry that you are going through this pain right now-Keep posting you are not alone!
Al-Anon is something you may want to consider as it has been a great support for me!
Glad that you found us! There is a lot of support here...you may want to check out the other forum too http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/ and look at the stickies on the top of the forum.
So sorry that you are going through this pain right now-Keep posting you are not alone!
Al-Anon is something you may want to consider as it has been a great support for me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome Kitten
Read read read......there are so many good books out there. CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good one. Check out the stickies at the beginning of this forum...there is a wonderful list of books to read on the topic of addiction and co-dependence.
One of the things I have learned is that I need to concentrate on myself and not on the A in my life. I don't walk on eggshells around him BUT I also don't ask questions about things I cannot control. If he is in recovery, he wants to look toward the future....not dwell on the past so asking questions about it does nothing more than dredge up stuff he's trying to move past......and satisfy your own curiosity. It truly serves no purpose when you think about it. If he wants to talk.......just listen.
One of the best things you could do for him (and mostly for yourself) is to understand what co-dependence is and avoid those behaviors at all costs! Co-dependent behaviors make it easy for an addict/alcoholic to use again.
Good luck and gentle hugs
Read read read......there are so many good books out there. CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good one. Check out the stickies at the beginning of this forum...there is a wonderful list of books to read on the topic of addiction and co-dependence.
One of the things I have learned is that I need to concentrate on myself and not on the A in my life. I don't walk on eggshells around him BUT I also don't ask questions about things I cannot control. If he is in recovery, he wants to look toward the future....not dwell on the past so asking questions about it does nothing more than dredge up stuff he's trying to move past......and satisfy your own curiosity. It truly serves no purpose when you think about it. If he wants to talk.......just listen.
One of the best things you could do for him (and mostly for yourself) is to understand what co-dependence is and avoid those behaviors at all costs! Co-dependent behaviors make it easy for an addict/alcoholic to use again.
Good luck and gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 7
Replying back to hbb - the reason I'm sticking this out is because I see the good that this man has to offer. That he's trying, doing what he needs to do in there to get his counseling and he really wants to lead a clean life. His counselor told him that it will take work, but that he can make it. And, I know I will be good support for him too. No, I'm not talking about "rescuing" him, but being there with him and if he starts to faulter, I'll know what to do.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I understand wanting to support the right way and I'm just speaking from my experience how HARD it is to be with an addict. It mentally took a tole on me and all I'm saying is that it may be that much harder as he's in prison. Co-dependent No More is an excellent book to read. Take care of you, wish i did that sooner. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
[QUOTE ask the questions you need to ask him,
Believe me you will not upset his apple cart.
[/QUOTE]
If indeed he is working a serious program of recovery, His life should be
a open book. He may not want to share all the gorrie details,
But your eyes should be wide open.
Honesty is the root of recovery.
And a litte reminder, alcohol is a drug, marijuana is a drug, cocaine is a drug,
and many many prescription pain killers are addictive drugs.
and are often a jumping off point for a addict.
read all you can about addiction and the effect it has on others,
and you are a other.
Believe me you will not upset his apple cart.
[/QUOTE]
If indeed he is working a serious program of recovery, His life should be
a open book. He may not want to share all the gorrie details,
But your eyes should be wide open.
Honesty is the root of recovery.
And a litte reminder, alcohol is a drug, marijuana is a drug, cocaine is a drug,
and many many prescription pain killers are addictive drugs.
and are often a jumping off point for a addict.
read all you can about addiction and the effect it has on others,
and you are a other.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
