supernothing

In this relationship unless my husband stops drinking and supports me a bit more.
Every weekend is the same for me, i just wish he would stop im finding it virtually impossible to look him in the eye,
Ironic isnt it- i feel almost like i have a choice- sacrifice my relationship and save my life, or save my relationship , get drunk and loose my life, i know which one im choosing.
I just dont want to do the things he wants to anymore and im feeling so low and trapped and generelly frustrated,
Now im not looking through a drunken haze im seeing he is at the very least alcohol dependent himself and i cant deal with it.
Im sorry, just needed to vent, this place and you people always make me feel so much better.

Tazman53

Super experience has shown that unless absolutely essential major life changes are to be avoided in early sobriety. I know this may sound like a crazy suggestion, but perhaps going to Alanon may help you to learn to deal with your husbands drinking.

Who knows, you stay sober and after 5 or 6 months your husband may be able to see himself in the mirror a bit better and see that he may have a problem and do something about it.

supernothing

funny you should say that as i took their test (al anon) yesterday and its one of the things that got me thinking.
I also grew up with an alcoholic mother, grandparents and have an active acoholic brother who is older that me and a real real mess, witnessed some pretty bad stuff growing up, i guess thats why ive gravitated to him as its all pretty *normal* to me, my husband kind of unleashed the alcoholic in me that was always there waiting to get out, and taught me how to drink on another level entirely, i guess i may also be harbouring some resentment about that aswell.
I know they say no decisions this early on, i guess i feel as if im just delaying the inevitable though
I just wish for once we could do something that didnt involve alcohol IM SO SICK OF ALCOHOL!!!!!

Anna

Hi Supernothing,

Just wondered - have you told your husband exactly how you feel or have you considered counselling? It could be that you have talked it over and that he doesn't want to change, I'm not sure. Of course, you have to do what is the best thing for yourself.

22NGONE

Hello,

I would at least give your husband a chance to change. Tell him how you feel and be one hundred percent honest. If he has that information and rejects it then you can proceed with whatever course of action you take with a clear conscience. I know that when I was confronted by my spouse, I did change but it was too late for her anyways.

John

supernothing

yes ive been very honest, yes ive told him i dont find it easy with him drinking, i honestly believe he'd be elated to find me with a glass of wine in my hand when he walked in from work.
Guess ill just have to keep trying.

Tazman53

I will second what Anna and Gone have said, the last thing you want to do is end this relationship and then sit around for years wondering if maybe I should have tried to work it out.

Be honest with him, see if he is willing to work at it or go to counseling.

22NGONE

Well then perhaps you should just focus on yourself for a couple of months and maintain your sobriety. Perhaps with the silence of you doing the next right thing, he will come around, if not, your path will seem clearer to you then.

supernothing

i suppose im being really impatient, i hoped being sober would bring us closer but until i have more days under my belt i dont feel ready to do the work to repair the damage the last 3 years has caused, i suppose its a revelation to me, sobriety has not made our relationship problems go away, infact theyve become a whole lot more obvious- hence me drinking away the last three years in a vain attempt to be happy- and so it goes on........
But im not even tempted to drink over it, if anything i feel more determained to do things the right way this time, thanks for your input, i will keep focusing on getting well and sorting *me* out (whoever the hell i am........)

Anna

Supernothing,

I had expectations about sobriety too.

And, I know I was blindsided by some of the revelations that came to me. Some of it was what I had expected, but some things took me completely by surprise.

vashti45

Supe, I echo what the others have said. Don't make any drastic decisions right now. I was almost sure I wanted to leave my husband, and now the situation is different. I don't know what will happen, but I know I need more information and sobriety time before I can make a good decision.

That being said, this is a progressive disease that can be fatal. I think you know that. And I would urge you to choose life. Find others who can support you and devote your time to being with them while you sort out what's going on with your marriage.

Take care,

Jana

resentful wife

I to had resentments toward my AH after I quit being his drinking buddy.Hence the name LOL. I spoke to him honestly, telling him that I no longer liked the way drinking made me feel and I told him of my hopes that he would slow down. I then told him I had ratted him out to our Dr and that medical detox was there if and when he wanted it.
In my resentment I found SR, and learned that his drinking was his problem and that no matter how badly I wanted him to quit until he wanted to quit there was not one thing that I could do to push him into being sober.For awhile it was like a mexican stand off, I wouldn't drink for/with him and he wouldn't quit for/with me.
We didn't have fights or money problems no lost jobs or DWI's, while drinking with him I would have said we had a good life. After quitting I started asking myself if this is the way I wanted to live and if I loved him enough to stay, warts and all. And I did start to look at my options but I did stay and I do love him.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is look at it from all sides before you make such a hugh decision, keep posting, read some of the post in the friends and family forum even the older ones, pray. Sometimes the right thing to do just happens. Good luck to you.
Linda:ghug3

Tazman53

Oh wow can I relate to that, the only thing I knew about me as a person when I first got sober was "I used to enjoy drinking a lot!!" Sobriety and the steps taught me about who I was, who I am today and who I can work towards being and how to get there one day at a time. I really was at a lose as to who I was when I first sobered up.

supernothing

sometimes small things can lift you so much
my six year old just said to me
" mummy, you and daddy used to argue but now you just get on"
We have alot to keep fighting for

mle-sober

Super,

Wow! I think you are being really courageous and strong. When I got sober and my husband didn't immediately "hop to" and become my little cheer leader, I was furious. He came home after he got drunk at a bar a couple of times in that first 30 days and I thought he was the devil. I thought that since I'd quit being a secret drinker and I'd owned "all" my bad past actions, that he should immediately stop being angry at me for lying to him about my drinking. I was so mad at him that he still was feeling hurt and angry and betrayed. After all, this wasn't about him! It was about me and when the heck was he going to get in line and start supporting me emotionally!?

That was a really hard time. I was beating my head on a concrete wall for sure. Nothing really improved between my husband and me until I wrapped my little brain around the idea that I had hurt him with all my lying. And that me getting sober affected everything - it wasn't just about me. We ended up making some major headway in our relationship the week I had 90 days. And now we are in a really good place together. But it did take a bit of time and it felt like forever. I didn't believe anything was going to get better ever. I had that all or nothing thinking and that didn't help.

I don't think you are doing what I did. I think you are much more patient and understanding. You show much more humility. I think you have every right in the world to ask him not to drink around you, however. I still think that part is crazy. I think he is actively trying to mess you up by drinking around you. Isn't he the husband who bought extra beers and set them on the table and said, "just in case" - meaning "just in case you are going to drink"?? Is that your husband or am I thinking of someone else?

Anyway, I think you rock. When I read your posts, I go, "Now that is one strong woman." I know it feels ridiculously difficult right now. But you are on the right path for sure. Keep staying strong.

Love, MLE

supernothing

Isn't he the husband who bought extra beers and set them on the table and said, "just in case" - meaning "just in case you are going to drink"?? Is that your husband or am I thinking of someone else?
The very same, thank you for being so kind, i get so much out of reading other peoples replies and hearing about their experiences.
I think he likes me to be needy and dependant on him, im best at doing this for him when i am drunk...............