hardheart

So I have been detaching more in the past year but more and more from my AH. Still married and living together, but emotionally detaching and physically. This gets him upset. He isnt using as much as he has in the past but still using here and there although it doesnt matter bcs he has hurt me soooo.... much that maybe nothing would be enough. He is not in any program he still goes to the ER to get prescriptions, etc. He still acts the same way.
He gets frustrated that I am so distant and then blames it on everyone and everything else. Because my friend is getting a divorce that must be why I am more distant, because my other friend is happy then that must be why, etc... If I'm too happy and confident then it must be because I'm cheating on him. "whose making you so happy" he says.
He cant even face the fact that it could possibly be becasue of the things he has done or said or will continue to do or say that have turned me into this cold ass b**ch to him. He cannot take responsiblity for 1 single thing. Then he says that the reason he keeps being like this is because I'm not close to him. How can I be after all he's done and I know he will do again, I'm sick of being mad a FOOL! I tell him we HAVE to get counseling becasue we cant communicate cuz all conversations turn to him blaming others and insulting me like you wouldnt believe. He says he cant do that because the counselor would either take my side or tell us to get divorced. He cant ever believe that anyone knows more than him.
I really do want a divorce but he refuses to give it to me and threatens to fight me for my SOn and that REALLY scares me!
AHHHH! He has such a way of taking everything and turning it around and the scariest thing is that he really believes it to be TRUE! Is this just an addict personality? How do you not let it get to you ... I feel like its pulling me down.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR you have found a great place, with lots of folks who have either been where you are now, or are where you are now, and all are willing to share their own Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

Get a cell phone with a camera in it. Document everything. Buy a voice activated recorder. Document everything. When he's wobbling around from too many pills, snap pics, whenever you think he's going to get verbally abusive and even when not, keep voice activated recorder in your pocket.

All you need are some tapes and a few pics and any attorney, no matter where you are will be able to show the family court judge that he's is NOT FIT FOR CUSTODY and may even end up ordering SUPERVISED VISITS.

His posturing about getting custody of your son is just MORE MANIPULATION. Do not let your 'fear' keep you from going ahead.

As far as him 'refusing' to give you a divorce, ain't gonna happen, all 50 states now have 'no fault' and you don't need his consent to get a divorce, this is not the 1950's.

He's pulling out every 'stop' he can think of because he wants to keep it 'status quo' so he doesn't have to look at reality and can continue to try and stay in his denial.

You may also want to try Alanon or Naranon meetings, they can be a great help to you. I suggest Alanon, because many times there are lots more of them than there are Naranon thus easier to find at a time when you can attend.

Keep posting here, let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

BayAreaPhoenix

(((hardheart)))

I think you will find A LOT of us who have had these conversations!

If you live in a No Fault State, you might not need to feel so scared. There are other parents who I'm sure will be coming along to share their experiences, and in the meantime as you read around I'm sure you will find some of their stories.

As for "is this an addict personality?" I can say for me, you are pretty much talking about my AH - and just about every other A I have heard about so far. My AH would never go to counseling, he said it would be all about what he was doing wrong. Didn't matter that I reminded him there were two of us in this marriage and it takes two. He only finally consented to counseling when I said I wanted a divorce, and then it was too late for me, and after 3 weeks of counseling when I found out he was an addict (I found the "proof" - he didn't tell me), he still hadn't come close to being honest about that little fact or the porn and I doubt he ever would have been.

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Just keep detaching, do what you need to do for you and your child. He will continue to make snide remarks to get you back "under control" - don't let him. Let yourself bloom and blossom!

My AH continues to take NO responsibility for anything. It was MY choice to leave this marriage and not try. Never mind that I've been "trying" for over 10 years! That doesn't count. Oh - I think we can all get started, and keep on going.

You're not alone. Just know that. I could relate to everything you wrote!

Welcome, read the stickies at the top of this forum and other posts in the meantime! Have you read CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie? Sounds like you've been doing a lot of work already! Good for you!

Happy to meet you! I'm glad you're here, and I think you will be too - lots of wonderful people here!

NEVEREnds

((((hardheart))))

Oh wow does it sound as if you are talking about my AH .. He has the same manipulative tactics and takes no responsibility for any of the bad in his life ... It's the worlds fault, NOT HIS .. !!!!!!!! I've been coming here for a few weeks now and reading ALOT and I can tell you that the people here are wonderful and some are sooooooo knowledgeable and support and help just by letting you know you aren't alone and you will get through this ...

Prayers for you and your son ....