Guilt Part 2
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Guilt Part 2
My brother heard from the AF that I started No Contact with a month ago...
She said to him, "haven't seen you since your brother disowned me."
Interesting choice of words I thought. But for me, things like this make me waver. I am not used to walking away from bad people and situations, in the past I stayed in them until it became a crisis, or they left me. I think in my twisted ACOA perspective I felt good about hanging in there and allowing and forgiving the abuse, like some kind of benevolent christ figure.
I have trouble keeping my resolve. I feel like I'm the bad person for leaving and I keep having terrible flashes of remorse and sometimes nightmares.
She said to him, "haven't seen you since your brother disowned me."
Interesting choice of words I thought. But for me, things like this make me waver. I am not used to walking away from bad people and situations, in the past I stayed in them until it became a crisis, or they left me. I think in my twisted ACOA perspective I felt good about hanging in there and allowing and forgiving the abuse, like some kind of benevolent christ figure.
I have trouble keeping my resolve. I feel like I'm the bad person for leaving and I keep having terrible flashes of remorse and sometimes nightmares.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Hi Angelus!
Why does hearing that make you waver?
It's a weird sensation when you sort of "see" how you're being perceived by others. Don't get hung up on whether other people like you or are perceiving you the way you WANT them to (especially active alcoholics/addicts).
I mean - wouldn't it have been weird if your friend instead of saying "disowned" (probably an attempt at humor to fish a response out of your bro.) had said - "Oh hi, I haven't seen you since Angelus stopped enabling my drinking."
The Alcoholic is always doing their own P.R., and they will never - until they are recovered - understand that they lost friends because of their own behavior and not because the friend had some sick agenda or tragic character flaw.
Have you always (like most codies) placed a high value on what others think of you? Do you have a need to be liked and invest more energy in that than in making sure you like (and even KNOW) yourself? Maybe meditate on these questions today instead of focusing on the exchange between your AF and your brother.
Stay the course Angelus - these are the hard days - and you are just being tested by the old foe that you have to slay with the 1st step: I admit I am powerless over the alcoholic.
Peace,
B.
Why does hearing that make you waver?
It's a weird sensation when you sort of "see" how you're being perceived by others. Don't get hung up on whether other people like you or are perceiving you the way you WANT them to (especially active alcoholics/addicts).
I mean - wouldn't it have been weird if your friend instead of saying "disowned" (probably an attempt at humor to fish a response out of your bro.) had said - "Oh hi, I haven't seen you since Angelus stopped enabling my drinking."
The Alcoholic is always doing their own P.R., and they will never - until they are recovered - understand that they lost friends because of their own behavior and not because the friend had some sick agenda or tragic character flaw.
Have you always (like most codies) placed a high value on what others think of you? Do you have a need to be liked and invest more energy in that than in making sure you like (and even KNOW) yourself? Maybe meditate on these questions today instead of focusing on the exchange between your AF and your brother.
Stay the course Angelus - these are the hard days - and you are just being tested by the old foe that you have to slay with the 1st step: I admit I am powerless over the alcoholic.
Peace,
B.
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Bernadette I'm utterly floored. That's what it is exactly, this desperate need for everyone to like me, to the point where I have no sense of self, I only see myself through their eyes.
I'm printing out your post and carrying it with me today. :ghug3
I'm printing out your post and carrying it with me today. :ghug3
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Originally Posted by Bernadette 
The Alcoholic is always doing their own P.R., and they will never - until they are recovered - understand that they lost friends because of their own behavior and not because the friend had some sick agenda or tragic character flaw.
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I had a dream last night that we reconciled. It was of course, an idealized version of the AF that does not exist in reality, only in my mind.
And in the dream I of course kept repeating, "I'm sorry."
I'm sorry.
And in the dream I of course kept repeating, "I'm sorry."
I'm sorry.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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ooooooh Bernadette........good post!
Angelus.......by no longer putting up with the AF's behavior, you have done the kindest of things for them. And a very healthy thing for yourself. It doesn't get more win/win than that.
gentle hugs
Angelus.......by no longer putting up with the AF's behavior, you have done the kindest of things for them. And a very healthy thing for yourself. It doesn't get more win/win than that.
gentle hugs
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