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It's been a lil bit, feeling anxious about him getting out soon



It's been a lil bit, feeling anxious about him getting out soon

Old 05-12-2008, 06:55 AM
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Unhappy It's been a lil bit, feeling anxious about him getting out soon

I think (or thought anyway) that I was doing pretty good working on me. I finally feel like my life is somewhat normal, calm, and I'm doing things to heal myself and my relationship with my son. I finally was feeling like I'm not so focused on Chris and his recovery, like I'm detaching.

Well he gets out in June (sometime). This whole time he's seemed to be focused on his recovery, too. I went to visit him Saturday in jail, and the visit started out ok but went sour. I asked if he had been able to go to any meetings (because he is now a trustee and able to work), and he said "no, but I don't even want to drink". Well I took this to mean "I don't need meetings, I don't want to drink now and can handle it". Then this is where I think I slipped back into my older habits and said "Well now you don't want to drink, but when you get out that could change, and you promised meetings, and if you don't go to meetings and work on recovery then I don't think we should live together right away, you've been promising this while time that you were going to get a sponsor and go to meetings", so then he says "How many meetings do I have to go to in order to meet your standards?". I told him don't bother going to any if he's doing it for me. I told him from what I've read (I've read 2 of the Getting Them Sober books), that unless he goes to meetings he will drink again. And then he says "I didn't say I wasn't going to go".

Then he told me I was being mean and haven't changed at all because I'm threatening him that he can't live there and he's not gonna play those games and I just told him we needed to do things different and I thought we were both going to do our own recovery. Then he goes and starts telling me my letters aren't very loving (my letters have been more focused on what I've been doing for me, in my daily life, etc.), that I don't say I love him and miss him enough and don't talk about our future together enough. Basically I'm not doing enough for him.

How else could I have worded that, I mean how could I have said to him "If you don't attend meetings, I think it's best you stay at your mom's" so that he wouldn't get so mad? Maybe he was just having a bad day, but it felt like the old Chris, blaming me for everything and then I end up feeling like I'm not doing enough. He said that nothing he ever does is good enough for me and that I make him feel like that, and I've tried wording things very carefully and to let him know that this is for me and that I'm not far enough into my own recovery to be able to not fight and argue with him because he has one drink.

I don't know, am I making any sense at all? It's amazing how you can think you're doing so well and then all of a sudden you feel like you're back a few steps.
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Old 05-12-2008, 11:13 AM
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You can't tell him how to do his recovery but you can set boundaries for what you find unacceptable behaviors and actions from him.

If you do not want to have him living at home unless he is attending AA meetings regularly, that is a fine boundary for you to set. Then next som himtep is fo ryou to figure out what you will do if your boundary is violated.
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