BUTTERFLY-7

How that's the Big Question? for the pass years
How can't I Get to that place of Forgiveness when
the most precious Gift of Life(my son Adam)I've
putt him through so much Hell and chaos & Pain.

I know I'm a
New Born person been in recovery and all, but I can't
come to that place of forgiveness, I say it but don't feel it
I Hate my self at times when the memories of my wild
living Days rewind in my mind I can't even talk about it
some times my father would talk about the pass and I
would Stop! him

my son he tells me he forgives me but some times he
communicates with me and a one on one basis but then he
would shut down on me for Days or weeks

today Hit's hard for me back at Home I had to live him
a message on his voice mail so he could call me Why?
I know I don't deserve much from him All I ever gave him was misery so Yeah:I can't expect much,you reap what you
saw It's what they say,It's so true

I don't like Mothers Day I don't only have to fight with
this awful memories but also fight with the excruciating
feeling of not having my own Biological Mom since she
gave me up since the age of 10 years old so Yeah:Mothers
Day it's not my favorite Day no sere
that feels Good I need it to Dump to write about it or Talk about It so there I lay it all out.

Now again How Do I get to that Place of Forgiveness when all I
could think is about all the damage I cause my son all
the in-justice I commit it and all the neglect he suffer

me going to pick him up in Kinder Garden all fck Up
on Drugs and drunk,or broke night and took him like that to school It hurts so much when I think about this
memories cause they ain't no good ones Oh:Lord Help
me come in terms with Forgiveness I guess I think
that no child should of had went trough what he went trough

It's not a life for a child he was so little and in-defenseless
he need it me to be there for him My Dad and my ex-mother in-law were the ones and neighbors taking
care of him I hate my self I hate my self!!!!!!this is him
now he is all grown up

suki44883

Butterfly, please don't be so hard on yourself. All of us alcoholics have done things in the past that we now regret. That's just normal. You can't change what you did in the past, but you can be the very best person you can be today. Your son still loves you, and he'll be happy that you are taking care of yourself today.

BUTTERFLY-7

I need to know again the Question is How can't I come in
terms with Forgiving my self Please some one share some
insight some light I need to release my self from this bondage
of uncertaintiesI just can't deal with this memories
any more

Hevyn

Butterfly someday he will understand the hell that you went through, and he'll realize it had NOTHING to do with him. Certain people in my life don't understand what I went through either, and they still can't bring themselves to forgive me. All we can do is live the best life possible right now. If you keep re-living the past, it will destroy you, and then you won't be any good to anyone. I spent years pacing around at night, never sleeping, just eating myself up over things that happened in the past. I finally had to let it go - why ruin what's left of my life because the bad times haunt me? I don't let them creep back into my mind as often now - I tell myself that wasn't really me that acted that way - it was the addict, a very sick woman. Let your son see you strong and positive, not apologizing all the time and sad. He'll be proud of you one day, and you have plenty of time to become who you really were meant to be. Hey, only another hour or so and it won't be Mother's Day anymore......tomorrow is a new beginning.

CarolD

When I did my formal AA Steps 4 & 5
my remorse and guilt were over with.

BUTTERFLY-7

Heavyn for that crueshel Reminder about that I was a very
sick woman, never seen it in that manner I Guess the Guilt & Shame
rent it so much space you don't know how your words
gave me what I was longing for, Freedom from been trap in this freaking Video of relentless Memories of that ugly & hurtful pass

I Guess I let the guilt and shame eat me alive cause to society
and my family I was a failure and they will always remind me
of my fck ups, thanx to every one who reply

and one more thing that I'm going to have to disagree with you
you said that Mothers Day It's about to be over and tomorrow
will be another day,well I got News for you a Mothers Job it's
Never Over,Never.

Pinkcuda

I'm going to add Step 3 into the equation. Turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him.
Knowing that God forgives you, what choice do you have? If you are going to do as God would do and live your life the way that God wants, you have to forgive yourself.

least

i know how you feel i'm tired of being a slave to alchohol i want to be free. god does not love me anymore he is tired of me. i want to be free. :praying

i pray that the rehab will take me back. i need to be free of this addiction

Dee74

I don't believe God abandons anybody - I thought that way for a lot of years tho - looking back I realise I had to accept - ok I had a bad deal but in the end ? that doesn't matter a whit - the way out was to make changes in the way I thought of myself, and in the way I lived my life.

I hope rehab might be the next step in that process for you least
Good luck
D

kj3880

Butterfly,
I think you are making the changes that are going to make a difference in your son's life. You know, there is still much you can do for him, he still looks pretty young to me. There is still plenty of time to love and mother your "big guy."

Least,
Stop saying ridiculous things on Butterfly7's thread. You know, of course you do, that God loves you, or you wouldn't still be here. You are so caught in the triangle of self-obsession that you can't see that someone else (Butterfly) is in pain here, and you have hijacked her thread with your need. We know that you are sick, and that all this is coming from your pain. You are forgiven by God and by everyone here for worrying us to death all the time!!! Do what you have to do to stop this pain, get help.
kj

least

i'm sorry for hijacking her thread

least

i'm sorry butterfly. please forgive me

Dee74

we're grading peoples pain now kj...?
unless the rules have changed in my absence, or you're a new mod, anyone can post anywhere they like

I thought butterfly already had some good responses, but my reply to least goes for butterfly too - yesterday is gone - we can't touch it - the only thing that matters is today - if we live a good life people will see the changes in us and god willing they will come to forgive us our past trangressions...

we can only change ourselves.

D

stone

Butter, I think forgiving ourselves is very hard and takes time. Part of being an addict is hating ourselves, why else would we hurt ourselves so much.
Once we put the drink/drugs down we have to change some of our attitudes and part of that is forgiving ourselves.
Show your son who are now and who are becoming by how you act, over time I am sure he will come to forgive you more and more and you can do the same for yourself.

The past is gone, the future is not controllable but what you do in the present moment can make the future a positive one.

best

Wow. He looks like he could be my youngest son's twin.

You answered your own question....see the quote above.

We can't change yesterday but we can do the next right thing today.
God has forgiven you and has told us...to love all (that includes ourself)
So forgive yourself and leave yesterday in the past.

RK2007

kj I don't think what you said to least was very nice - everybody is entitled to post their feelings, least was only relating to Butterfly's pain with her own feelings of pain - empathy.

Butterfly, you must let go of the past sweetheart.

It will hold you back and if you let it, it will destroy your happiness.

Let your son come to see the new woman/mother you have become in recovery, give him the chance to know you without the feelings of remorse over your past.

In 10 years time, you don't want to look back on your life and say you were unhappy all that time because you were filled with remorse for your previous actions.

Show everybody who are you are now. I know it can be hard to let go of the things we have done, but it is the only way we can move forward, by letting go.

PS - I think you're funny, it's cool to have you on the forum - hope you feel better soon.

fallingdown

Hevyn said:

"If you keep re-living the past, it will destroy you, and then you won't be any good to anyone."

And I couldn't agree more. Someone told me once that the Devil loves guilt. The Devil uses guilt to keep us where he wants us, dependent and miserable. Once we make amends and free ourselves from guilt we are able to live again the way God wants us to. If it makes you feel better, Butterfly, my mom made some serious mistakes when I was kid and I did hold onto some resentment in my teenager years, but once I matured a bit I realized how much she loved me and all the sacrifices she made for me even if she wasn't perfect, and ever since then and today I love her more than anyone else in the whole world. Just be there for him now because this is the time he really needs you, and he will remember and love you for it when he's older.

kj3880

I knew that that post would upset some people. I thought I might be reinforcing or enabling least's beating up on herself by not challenging her thinking. I have been very supportive to least in the past when she expressed these same feelings. I have urged her over and over to get help and so far, it hasn't seeme to help her at all.
least, you need to get help, please do. I'm worried about your drinking to repair your guilt instead of working a program to do so.
I don't want this thread to turn into a debate. I'll address it only briefly, in that i think that if you can step outside yourself and help others (especially those who support you when you are down), sometimes it does make you feel better when you are at your lowest. And maybe I'm wrong in thinking I can tough-love, or shock someone into seeing that they are looking only at their plight, not what they can do to get out of it, not taking suggestions, not going to meetings, reaching out for live support, in short, not taking actions that have to be taken to save their own lives. I never mean to be harsh. I think that sometimes, and I may be wrong here, that sympathy can actually stick people in helpless ruts. I have tried other approaches and that hasn't worked in this particular situation. I expect to be called on it (like some of you have done) when I need to do something to be part of the solution and not the problem. All that being said, everyone here is different, and everyone has their own opionion about what will help.
least, are you getting to an AA meeting? You'd get a even more support there. And I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I'm sorry if I did, only to try to get you to look at things, maybe look at someone else's situation, see that she got sober in spite of her guilt, and that you can get hope from that, not use it as an opportunity to keep beating up on yourself (that is not helping you). Feel free to be angry at me if it helps. I know that when I'm angry it makes me really look at what is going on. I'll still be here no matter what, and still be watching for you, even if what I say isn't always the perfect thing, even if you disagree with me, I'm still rooting for you, and for everyone here, to get well.
kj

Hevyn

I'm trying desperately to get in touch with Least. She's far beyond being helped by AA meetings at this point - she is very sick, has crippling low self-esteem, among other problems. I hope I have another chance to reach out to her.

Dee74

I get tired of people practicing 'tough love' when they have little idea what it actually means and no idea at all of when to use it.

D