Honu

My ex called tonight, haven't talked to him in months. His Mother (my mother died 18 years ago) is going in for a cardiac cath, don't know exactly why this is going on...what happened to her? His other mom (his biological parents divorced when he was young, so he has 2 sets of parents) is also not doing well.

I had sent them both Mother's day cards, they are the only "Mother's" I've had for 18 years.

We have not had any contact since the breakup, however. I feel horrible. But it was their choice, not to talk to me. I tried, and his biological mom hung up on me a few months ago.

I hate the family thing.

I don't have anyone, and the family I was born with are dead. The only Family I have known since, are now sick, and are getting really old.

And, I can't be there for them.

Had a bottle of wine. (the small one, this time.)

I just wish I had a family of my own. I hate being alone.

Sorry, I fell off.

I said I wouldn't quit.

God, you people don't know how lucky you are to have someone, ANYONE, in your lives. No matter what. Just imagine that you have NO ONE. NO FAMILY. No one who cares.

Count yourselves as the "lucky ones". I would rather have a pissed off Mom, or Dad, or Child, or ANYONE, than NO ONE.

I am still not going to stop quitting.

I know how, I know better, and I am smart and worthy.

Just not tonight.

I hate Mother's Day. I hate that this is going on with people I love that I am unable to contact.

But, tomorrow is another day.

Cheers to you all.

Love,
Honu

mle-sober

Honu,

I'm sorry you are hurting. And I am sorry you are drinking. That doesn't solve anything - it just prolongs it. When you put the bottle back down, your hurt will still be there.

- MLE

suki44883

Honu, are you involved in AA? They can be your family. They would love to be your family. I'm sure there are many of them feeling the same way on Mother's Day. Why not give them a chance to care about you? ((((HUGS))))

Honu

I know.

I just hate being alone, and having no one.

Anyway, just got back on here again, to say, as soon as the "street lights are out" I'm in bed.

I am going to Asia tomorrow, and it's going to be another battle. When you get there, you are so exhausted, but you cannot go to bed. It is like 5 am here to me, but 6 pm there. You have to stay up, and you have to sleep through the night, or you are royally s---wed the next day.

The ususal thing to do is to drink, then fall asleep really hard.

I don't want to do that.

I am not drinking any more tonight, because I know better, but I am worried about in Japan.

Maybe, just get it over with and start over again.

I don't know.

I wish life was as simple as it is for my dog.

Honu

Anna

Honu, loneliness is really hard, but you can choose friends to be your family.

And, for me, I found there was always a reason to put off stopping drinking, always something that I didn't think I could get through without a drink. It was so empowering to realize that I could get through everything without drinking!

Honu

my friends don't believe it. They don't live anywhere around me. I've moved too much.

I have no one in this state, no one is ever in my "Presence" so to speak.

You just have no idea what it is like to REALLY be alone, with no family.

Not trying to have a pitty party, but, I just never have met someone like me. I think God just hates me. But again, I have that HOPE. And, then, I fall down.

Honu

Honu

Suki, I loved the bantering this morning.....
I just want you to know how much I enjoyed that!!
that was so fun! I had to nap, and then couldn't catch up!

Going to bed now, the street lights are now off.......

And, I've been up since 2......

nighty night all....

Daddio

Hey Honu. Will you you have access to us while you are in Asia? I want to know how you are doing. Oh yeah. I don't feel like you you betrayed me. I think that perhaps you may have betrayed yourself.

As I began my journey I found that when I finally looked at me and said I can do this then the process truly began. I kept telling my friends and family that I was gonna slow down, take it a little easier on the hooch, yadi whatever. But that was all it was - me speaking with no action. You know the routine. Doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I was so worried that first night. Well worried isn't exactly the right word. Scared ****less would be a more fitting term. I was afraid of something that I hadn't experienced in so long. That of course would be going to bed without my good old buddy Al Kee Haul. But I did it. It was weird, but I did it. So can you. Tomorrow begins my 82nd week.

You are right on the apex of the biggest mountain you have ever climbed. It's a tad slippery up there, so be careful. But when reach that crest, buckle up! You're in for a ride.

Take care. Daddio

Honu

Thanks Daddio.

Those pity parties are hard. Yes, I betrayed myself. I know that. I'm just such an idiot.
Yes, I'm taking my computer with me. Already decided what I am going to do, while waiting for the 'bewitching hour' so that I can go to sleep, and not wake up at 0200 a.m., I'm logging on, then doing my nails and giving myself a pedicure. Watch some TV, also taking a book and a couple of magazines....get a bite to eat, and hopefully sleep through the night....

That should keep me busy and out of the bar!

thank you, I am crawling back out of my shell again...
honu

Daddio

Hey Honu. Yeah, those pity parties usually have a really short guest list.

Glad to hear that you will have your computer with you. Keep us posted.

And I know what you mean about that bar thing. Several months back I went to New Orleans with some good friends just to hang out at their away apartment. One of the couples asked me to go to Pat O'Briens with them. (They knew my situation). You would have though that Amy Winehouse stole the lines from me when I told 'em "No No No"!!! Too many anchors. But all in all it was good trip. I got to flex my wings so to speak. Boundary setting and all that stuff.

I would like you to tell me if it's true what they say about the food over there. The mouse/rat thing that is. After watching Rattatoullie I changed my attitude about such things.

Hope you are well and let us hear from ya.

Peace. Daddio

Honu

I'm here, just got in. I keep getting booted off the internet. I never saw that movie, but I think you may be thinking of China??

Japan food is awesome. Always very fresh, always very good. I just don't ever eat anything that I can't identify. There is a lot of things that look like eyeballs, so I stay away from that. Grilled Salmon and grilled gyoza are what I usually stick with. Or curries. Always good.

Getting ready to do my nails, all is well here in Japan, it is 8 pm here, cold and rainy.

Peace back atcha.

Honu

stone

You are making friends here Honu, remember that.

It will take a while before you know they are real friends but it will happen.

Tazman53

Honu you have us folks at SR .

One of the neatest things I have found in AA is no matter where I have gone since I got sober I can walk into an AA meeting and have immediate freinds! People that are glad I am there and know me. My sponsor spent several weeks in Japan last year and said the AA meetings there were awesome.

The folks in the rooms of AA loved me until I learned to love myself.

Daddio

Hey Tazman53. My journey began close to yours (23 October 2006) and I have done this thing on my own. By that I mean no outside orgs but lots of knee time. I have my moments, just have lots of questions and lots of empathy for others considering their situations. Pro/cons for AA or others. I'm all ears.

General comment. As we correspond behind these veils of secret names wondering what is what, it is hard to know just who our friends are. Let me assure that as a child of God I love everyone. There are some actions that twist me up, but that's another story. I have had friends of years pass me by like a streetcar passing a begger. So we just never know. I figure that in this forum there just has to be lots of trust.

Honu. Ratatoullie is the Disney movie about the French rat that became a famous chef. It is a great little movie. Since I am a chef as well, I could relate. Are you doing ok there in Japan? Thanks for the scoop on the food as well. Keep us posted.

Peace. Daddio

Honu

I'm doing good here. Got a good night's sleep, although I am up earlier than I had hoped. Always a problem when you're so far away on a different time zone...it's 7 am here, 6 pm at home...

Thanks Tazman and Stone, I am glad to have found some friends here. It's nice to have that link, whether at home or elsewhere. Much appreciated! Arigato!!

Having my coffee now, going to work out, and then get ready for my day!

Sayanara to all!

Honu

Hevyn

I was wondering how you were doing, Honu - you sound great. Daddio's right, though, you do feel like a fish out of water in the beginning. I'm only at 4 months, but love the feeling of waking up without being in a fog, and actually remembering the happenings of the night before. You're right to keep your mind occupied with all sorts of stimulus - just shove the negative thoughts away. Love, Joanie

Honu

On my way back home to the U.S. Quick trip.

See you all tomorrow night!

Honu

Daddio

A little late, but I hope you have a great flight. Daddio