loner1968

I can't believe how much mental anquish I can feel just by checking out a myspace page! There has got to be something more wrong with me than I know to allow myself to go "there" All my friends are connected to the ex...ok so what? I avoided it as long as I could but curiosity got the best of me and i clicked on the xabf and his agf's pages and what a mind blowing experience!! Their "perfect" "loving" american dream relationship right up there for the world to see. Pictures of them in Florida...Together with him 13 years and not once even went to the movies let alone on a trip! So yeah my brain is telling me stop looking at this...its all here for you to look at...thats the idea right? I really wonder...is it for everyone to see? Or just certain people because I really feel that most of what was on HER page was directed at problems that she knows he and I had. The biggest one...SEX! I couldnt be intimate with him because he was drunk and abusive. He found his 'lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom' and they are celebrating their 3rd year of being together. Anniversary congrats and all right there on the page. Suspiciously their anniversery month is the same month he left me. Hmmm...I guess they just blew that lie out of the water. "I didnt leave you for her" Ok but the world sees that you were together with her before you were fully out of this house! Why the HELL did I do this to myself? I was doing better...at first I felt good about being able to look at pix of them without throwing up but the more I see how everyone on there is just putting on a show...People who have been in my life for 20 plus years congratulating them on making it three years...I am baffled that someone would post their most intimate relationship details on the web!! And how in the hell can two 35 year old alcoholics be so in love and sending each other glittery sex cards and talking about what they are going to do to each other later tonight after drinks...sick...and its bothering me why? Every little issue we had is advertised as their favorite pasttimes, she loves to dress slutty and F__K...loves to drink all kinds of alcohol and dance all night and LOVES SEX SEX SEX!!! I feel that I am just digging into this too much but my brain is trying to take me there and tell me "see...she IS so much better than you" Why did I do it? Why am I still struggling to pay off the debt I got into trying to keep a dysfunctional realtionship alive while he is sunning his pasty bloated body in FLORIDA and he doesnt even have a job? I could never even, and still cant, have little things i want. I feel like a freak today!

loner1968

i know I brought this on myself so please dont "yell" at me

sailorjohn

They tell me repeatedly that it's a process, don't be too hard on yourself. It just takes time.....


:ghug3

laurie6781

No I won't yell and yes it is a process.

Now as part of that process you have to look at this situation he is in now in a wee bit different light. You said his "agf" well there is your answer in a nutshell. SHE IS HIS DRINKING BUDDY.

I can tell you from experience it won't last, and that they are both going down hill. Now I know you don't want to be a part of that life of continuing to spiral down.

If the urge overwhelms you and you go to My Space, just remember, that what they are posting is their DENIAL, what they WANT OTHERS TO THINK THEIR LIFE IS, rather than the reality.

I have never seen anyone go on My Space and say well my life is s**t and I am in a hole I'm never going to get out of. My Space is almost like a persons "Alter Ego" and the life they would like to have.

What you are reading is FICTION, PURE FICTION. You know how he lied to you and treated you, do you honestly believe that he has changed, since he is still drinking? NOT

Sweetie, tell yourself it is okay to feel this way, because it is, and then get on with YOUR LIFE. You deserve much better than that and you know it.

So, keep posting here, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we do care very much. Continuing working on YOU, the YOU you want to be.

We are here for you.

Love and hugs,

loner1968

thanks laurie,
I know you are right. My mind is a mess and it seems like for every step forward i take I allow myself to be slammed back down to the very beginning of this. I know its all fake. It just hurts to know that people are so blind. Even some of my closest friends have stuff on their page that makes me say "who is this?" Your reply is helping. I'm just jealous because I wanted us to do things together but it just wasnt possible. No money due to his using, him saying he was embarrased to seen with me. The woman he's with is human tofu and now so is he. well she makes alot of money and he's along for the ride. I guess its easy to fake it whe everything is handed to you. I thought some of the stuff on their pages was really bad like jokes about drinking and pictures of everyone drunk and having the best time. I know its bull. I just need to get over this one too. I have a LONG history of dealing with alcoholics and i never really learned how so now I am really trying to understand and I have to cram it into my brain every day!!
Thanks again

Mair

Hi loner this is just another hurdle that you have just come across, brush yourself off your still here, it wont hurt again, sailor john is right it is a process.

Im having a bad weekend, i dont know why but i am. thinking about xab and feeling sad and lonley, i know that this will pass so im just going with the flow. If i feel like crying then i will. These feeling are few and far between these days but it's a good reminder to myself that i need to take one day at a time and that i am still in recovery.

hope you feel better soon.

Mair

Pick-a-name

Well.........there you go. I guess if YOU would have paid,he would have gone with you,too.

I do not mean to make light of your feelings; I understand completely. I try not to upset myself by looking for things like that because I know that it just upsets me and also it is usually a bunch of BS,too. I admit;sometimes I do "peek" at things (I do not think my exAH has a myspace,since he is 53y,but who knows! I would not be surprised if he did not at least try the online thing,as I found a paper once that looks like answers to a profile.) Sometimes after the upset and my reaction (the area I have discovered to be part of MY problem) it often can become something that helps me along in my recovery because I can see the depth of his illness and the nuttiness of his thinking. Also;certainly is not a life I would like to be living.


Toby Rice Drews (Getting Them Sober) says that alcoholism and all it's damage progresses without active recovery,so your relationship with him was BETTER than what someone now is experiencing;regardless of the show presented to the outside world. I do not know about your A,but mine is a master of that......it is the most important thing to him that he appears to be functioning at the top of his game;probably one reason he left (after 27years of marriage) when I stopped protecting his "secret". I can see the decline,but "new" people who do not know better,can't yet.

Sorry you are hurting and glad you are here.

Those two sound like they are two sad,lonely and sick people who are caught in the throws of a mighty disease. That's something I do not envy.

Thanks for the post;it helped me today.

lexusgirl

I think that laurie nailed it; they are two drunks sharing a really f*cked up and dysfunctional life together. It's all a show...it's not real, it's insanity. He's probably only going to these nice places because she paid his way there.

I met my xabf on Myspace. The only reason I was on there in the first place was to try to keep in touch with my son. Then I started meeting a few people in my area and keeping in touch with a few friends that moved back east.

To tell you the truth Myspace sorta makes me sick. It's all about partying and drinking blah blah blah. I dunno just seems sorta juvenille to me. I only check my account occasionally anymore, as I don't want to see what is going on in my xabf's life. I moved the bookmark way down to the middle on my pc so I can't access it so easily.

I probably should just delete it. Anyway I think what you're reading and seeing is purely a "show." I'm sure their relationship won't last as it's built on booze and dysfunction, even if it did last, it's totally a screwed up and unhealthy relationship.

Try not to torture yourself by looking at it again. I know easier said then done.

(((hugs)))

splendra

I can't imagine a person going to a public place and telling the world what kind of sex they are having. euuuu creepy.

I am sure you are in a much better place without him. One day your bills will be paid off and you will have more freedom.'

The relationship he is in now will come to a bad end someone will get arrested or some other thing

Let me ask you this: would you take him back? why? Why not?

loner1968

this has been a rough day and your support has helped me so much.

Splendra: I would not take him back.I know enough now to understand that alcoholism is too big for me and I dont see him making any attempt at getting better. Besides, who am I to interfere with someone's happiness, real or imagined. He was always big on quitting everything except for what was really the problem and from what I'm told he still does this.
He thought he could just come back when he wanted to and I would be fine with it. He tried that last year and Spewed the sad story of how he had made such a mistake. How he didnt love her blah blah and went over to his mom's and all his friends with tears in his eyes telling them how much he loved me and that he would do anything to make it right with me. I then had the pleasure of getting a phone call from her. She had to ask me what was going on and I told her but she chose not to believe me and let him stay there. He told everyone he knows that I would take him back at any time!! When I told him my boundries (get a place of your own, get help etc) he agreed to try but then never called me again. Just left me wondering. Left his family wondering. That was in October of last year. On Thanksgiving she sat in what used to be my chair at the dinner table! One month after telling his mom all that crap about how much he loved me and then they invite her to thanksgiving dinner. It made me sick. They are all messed up and I'm starting to detatch from them too.
He's so sick. I've never seen him look so bad. I care about him but she has her claws in so deep there is no way I could ever compete with her. She is also "terrified" of me because I am such a threat! Its been three years so she needs to get over herself there! I don't want to compromise who i am to please a drunk! I wouldn't do it before and that's why he finally left. The head games he plays are of monumental proportions and if not for you guys i would not be sitting here typing this! So thank You.
I also wonder how it is that my rational brain can become so twisted so easily. I am better than I was even a few months ago but these days get me so down.
I don't obsess like i used to but i do get into this rut and usually it due to information I have found out second hand etc...or stupid myspace which I will not be visiting agin. I knew i hated it. Thought it was for teens and losers. If you have a page don't be offended. Its all about what you do with it.
And yeah the whole sex thing...I was under the impression that when people are drunk they don't really have good sex. Part of me doesn't believe it anyway and it looks like they feel the need to advertise. Did I mention they are both 35? He plays in a band and she's his self proclaimed "groupie"
Here is a guy who could have made it if it weren't for his addictions and now he has this woman acting like a sex crazed fan and pumping him up before he plays open mic night!!! I really do feel bad for him in some way. I saw the potiential he had being drained everyday
and now its like he's reverted back to being a teenager. I never played the drama game and as much as he wanted me to i really didnt. granted there was some but on my part i think i acted pretty mature and left him alone. i'm better than that.

cagefree

I swear there is nothing more attractive to an alcoholic than an enabler - and one with money even moreso.

Realizing I came second to beer was one thing - realizing I was also his bar tab was another stab as well.

Vent away loner - get it out. When you've gotten to the bottom of the anger hill, you'll have serenity.

People who are living wonderful lives rarely have to brag - it shines through naturally.

I actually have MYSPACE to thank as I was peeking at someone I was interested in and saw every picture had him with a beer in hand, or drunk - not so attracted to him anymore

loner1968

actually have MYSPACE to thank as I was peeking at someone I was interested in and saw every picture had him with a beer in hand, or drunk - not so attracted to him anymore


Wow...ya know what? I feel the same way today. I just keep thinking of how gross he looks in the pix. I can just smell the reek of booze coming off him and i can remember the slurred words and the ignorant comments about how awesome he thinks he is. Ugh...what was I thinking? i used to think he was the best loking guy I had ever seen. and he WAS...not anymore. I guess now that the outside matches the inside Its easier to deal. Thanks for the reply.

Beachbum2856

Loner1968: I know how you feel. I get on myspace too just to see what is going on with my ason and his awife. There are pictures and graphic detail of what they are doing. I keep thinking I want to delete my page and not go on it anymore. I'm doing better keeping away from it, but it's hard. I bring this on myself too.

loner1968

Hi everyone
I am pretty sure that i wont be going on myspace to see anymore It's like someone said on here somewhere about burning your hand on the stove. I burned myself and now its feeling better so I'm not gonna do it again. I dont like to add extra pain to my day!

I really think that looking was good for me in a way. I found out more about the truth in the last couple days than I have in the last three years! Pretty sad... I even figured out that XABF's sister, who is supposedly so concerned for him, is also an enabler.

Tells me how he drinks all the time and that the agf is not good for him and then sends her a frickin anniversary congrat...I think I am more irritated at the lack of spine that everyone has than anything else. Oh well...I guess the lessons just keep coming. I'm whittling down my circle of friends to a circle of aquaintences.

All I can say to them is have fun killing your livers. Dont cry to me when someone has to plan a funeral. I've had to go through this SOBER as I have never liked drinking and drugging so I think that makes me stronger than all of the spineless worms I used to consider friends!!

DESIGNER

Loner 1968

Ok for one I just want to say that Myspace is prob one of the most fake things out there. Yes it is a great tool for sharing pics and communicating with friends that are not in the same state as you but overall it is just a chance to brag.

I have myspace.....friends finally convinced me after about a year and I thought oh what the heck this is kind of fun. I have not touched my myspace in about 3 months and guess what....it still has that i am in a relationship and that I am sooooo happy. All my pics of the xabf and I are still on the page and even when I was going through complete and utter hell with him my myspace page said something different.

I have friends that are on there and to the outside world they have painted this wonderful perfect picture of thier life and guess what....again it is not the way it appears.

I need to just delete the page b/c technically I am living a lie and prob for the most part so is your ex and his new alcoholic girlfriend. Also I can't personally stand people that talk about thier sex life on it.....how old are these people????

DESIGNER

Another thing is is that you would not be competing with her....you would be competing with the alcohol. I found out that my xabf was seeing someone just a few weeks ago and yes I am a little upset but feel lucky that I am not the one that has to deal with all the lies and manipulation. Yes I know that myspace paints a different picture of what thier life is like but to people that are not in my life right now my myspace page looks as though I have the perfect life. HA.....not so much. He is still drinking and I think that you mentioned that he is jobless......girl you deserve so much better then that and so do I. Keep your head up and focus on you. I know that this is hard but it is either that or continue to let alcoholism ruin this beautful life.

loner1968

Thanks DESIGNER,
You put a new perspective on this for me. These people are so addicted to themselves that they change their pictures everyday and advertise each day to let everyone know what they are up to! I dont understand why they don't just email each other...But then again the point of myspace is to be "out there" Its just creepy and I have spoken to my couselor and not that I needed to be told this but she said its not really "normal" for adults to act like this. Ya think?

abcdefg

hi, loner.

you've obviously been through the ringer on this but thank you for sharing it. and all these great responses.

i think it's so much harder to DO the work than to pretend. i have no idea what my XABF says to people or how he explains our break-up. i doubt he does.

if you find yourself peeking more on those pages, maybe you can check out a MySpace Anonymous meeting in your area.

Ha ha.

I was kidding but do they have those? So many people are obsessed with it now!

DESIGNER

Well I am glad that I could help you in this way. I learned the hard way and felt like a fool when I finally figured it out. When i first got on myspace I was obsessed(even though I claimed that I thought it was stupid). I would look on it all the time and find new people that I had not seen in a long time and see all of the "happy married couples, the cute little babies they just had, the wonderful exotic vacations they just went on, the great saleries they were making...etc. It made me depressed. I was like wow look at everyone else....they are sooo happy and they have thier life figured out. HA....was I so wrong. It is an image and in today's society we all try to create this wonderful image b/c everyone else is.

After a while I figured it out and I realized that wow there were people out there just like me looking at my site and prob pretty envious. On every pic I looked soooo happy, I had a great looking boyfriend and a ton of friends and something sooo wonderful to do all weekend long b/c new pics were constantly going up. This was me trying to make myself feel better and a way for me to let others know that I was not living this horrible life of alcoholism.
Basically don't judge a book by its cover. Don't ever just assume.

Wow It feels good to know that others out there feel the same way about that stupid site.....ha. Hang in there.