itisatruth

I honestly don't know what to say about how I feel right now.

My stupid AH is currently loaded on meth. He hasn't slept since Thursday night. Lately his DOC has been the pain pills, but the other day our neighbor (drug dealer) told him he had some meth. My AH assured me he was fine ---"don't worry...." he said. I hate him and my neighbor right now.

SO, I made him promise that if he did get loaded, he would leave. So last night around midnight when I found out, I yelled at him to leave---and he did. I couldn't sleep, I felt sick to my stomach all night and felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Didn't sleep wondering what he was doing, where he was, etc, etc, etc. He finally showed up at 8am and called in sick to work. I was finally able to sleep.....and did til 2pm. When I woke up, I had the worst headache ever. Got up, ate, showered, and left.

I wanted to stay away, but I don't want to pay for a hotel and my mom has company. So here I am. I am not speaking to him. He has been looking for his cigarettes for about 3 hours!!! But he won't leave!!!!!

He bought this house about a year before I met him so I've always had trouble with making him leave. I don't think he would still have the house if I hadn't been around to pick up the pieces all these years. I am on the mortgage and title and have been making payments and paying all the bills with him for over ten years now.

I just really, really hate that, even though he screwed up again, I have to leave my home, I have to pack up my bags. Its not fair. For now, I am moving into one of the spare bedrooms and locking the door. I know its not much, but its all I can do right now.

On a side note, my son, who moved away for college, is asking me if everything is all right. Is is bad that I lie to him? I don't want him to worry about me and I definitely don't want him to be involved in the drama.

Thanks for reading.

Ang102

I know what you are going thru. However the shoe was on the other foot for me. I woke up to myself and got help - for a while - anyway. Thought I was strong enough and went off my meds. Mine was for alcohol. One drink won't hurt I said to myself after being clean for about 4 months - one then another and another. Blew it again with my AH - twice. He is sticking by me. Will take a long time to get his trust/love back again. But I will work damn hard to make it happen this time - no more one wont hurt - its none.

Zencat

The stress of constant lies, betrayal and distrust will eventually move you out dejected and dispassionate. Then your ability to act will be tempered by the iron resolve of unwavering decisiveness.

funkzter

Hi Itisatruth,

Thanks for your support on my board; my turn to send you hugs and support!
Can't give you much advise though as you know in which situation i'm in. Not much of a good adviser right now..
You seem to be doing fine though, despite all. You have some good boundaries and i just hope you can find a place where you can get away a bit from the craziness (i know, easier said than done). Try to do something nice today, like i will: go out for a coffee with friend, have pedicure or massage or something. And if you don't want to tell your son about how you feel then don't tell him. You will eventually, if you need to, and if you're ready for it.

Take care xox
Carine

itisatruth

Well, its 1:23am and I still haven't calmed down enough to sleep. He is though, thank God.

Thanks Ang102, I wish you the best on your journey. It may take time to earn back trust, but when it happens, it will be worth it.

"The stress of constant lies, betrayal and distrust will eventually move you out dejected and dispassionate. Then your ability to act will be tempered by the iron resolve of unwavering decisiveness."


Thanks Zencat. I feel much stronger than I did a few months ago. I know I am getting to a better place for me. But I want that unwavering decisiveness now. I guess I will just have to give it time. I am honestly doing the best I can right now.

Carine, hope you're feeling well today....getting your rest, etc. Thank you for your words of support and I think you still have a lot to offer

I have made plans for tomorrow (later today I guess) to go to the beach with my mom and then go to this little cafe we like and treat ourselves. I think I am going to buy myself some new shoes too. It is hard for me to get out sometimes, I love my home.....its soooo comfortable and easy for me to hide out here....yet it is just not a peaceful place when he is having his "episodes".

Ang102

énjoy your day and look after yourself.

peaceteach

Itisatruth,

Happy Mothers' Day, sweetie. You deserve a great day, not a worry-filled one where you are fatigued and stressed

Is your mother aware of what goes on in your house? Is your son aware? Do you have anyone you can confide in with family and friends? Cause I can't imagine living like this in your own home, honestly, night after night with no sleep, neighbors who are drug dealers, stoned husband spending 3 hours searching for a cigarette. How badly do you truly want to live there? And what would it take to get out and find your own little haven of serenity. A home should be just that, Itisatruth. Not a place of worry, anguish and fear. Maybe you've been living this life too long to recognize how bad the situation is, but to me, it sounds awful for you and I think you deserve so much more. You are a very supportive, smart girl and have offered a great deal of ESH here. Time to apply that to yourself and stop this madness, I say. Sending a prayer of strength that you will look at your life today through someone else's eyes and realize that this is bad, and you don't have to live like this anymore.

splendra

It sounds to me that you have just as much legal ground as he does concerning the house. I left my first H over meth. We had a lot of material possessions and 2 businesses.

I just let it all go one day when I came home on a very cold day from working one of my 3 jobs and the gas had been turned off again that I gave him the money to go pay the bill so it just ticked me off so bad...I never looked back. I let him have it all. I wanted me back and I figured it did not matter what I had to let go of in order to get me back.

As far as what you tell your son I am sure he knows that as long as you are still with that man he knows you are in some kind of trouble. Tell him what you are doing and don't talk about your H...I am sure he probably doesn't want to hear about him anyway.

rozied

My heart goes olut to you. It must be so hard to have to deal with him and then not to even have peace in your own home. Believe me it is " yours "............... without you there all these yrs to keep it going he wouldn't still have it.
There is so much I want to say to you, but I don't have time right now. Noone can live with an addict, the longer I live the more I see its true. Love without trust & respect can only carry you so far. There is an old song by Paul Simon that says " love is not enough " and its so true.
Know you are in my thoughts & prayers,
Diane

BayAreaPhoenix

(((itsatruth)))

I'm sorry! I understand, in a lot of ways - especially about the house/home thing.

I'm a bit in the same spot I think. If our (me and my AH) lives were like what Splendra was describing - 2 businesses, she's working 3 jobs and still the gas was shut-off... Well, then I would have cut my losses and walked too (good for you Splendra!). But, we're not there - and the resolution to our/my house/home dilemma is still working itself out - and this is important to me. I have worked hard to provide myself with a home, where I can feel safe and comfortable. So far, I do not feel that I am in a position of where I should let go of that just because my AH wants to hold his breath. I am going to let my HP guide me (altho sometimes it is sooooo hard to have the patience), but for now this feels like the "right" thing to do for me. When it's no longer the right thing, I am sure I will know. You will too!

Sounds like you and your Mom have a great mom's day planned! I hope that you will be able to focus on the good time of today and enjoy yourselves and not think about your AH. Today I wish you peace from your AH and what he has brought into your home. I wish you luck finding the most fabu pair of shoes! (did you see THE wedding shoes? maybe you should look for those!).

Happy Mother's Day!

(((hugs)))

ZombieWife

My RAH's drug of choice is meth as well. The nights of constant motion, action, no sleep--the a week of coming down where he can't keep his eyes open and whines and whimpers each time he has to get up and make himself something to eat. I won't forget those days. Every time he comes home from work and takes a short nap, I still get pissed.

And the neighbor issue is really messed up. I know it's not the neighbor's fault, but I'd probably be over there tearing him a new one from top to bottom and left to right, making threats that if he ever sells meth to my husband, I'll call the cops. I know it's completely wrong to do that, but I remember my rage and anger.

/big hugs to you

itisatruth

Peaceteach, ....I know. Thank you so much for telling it like it is. Your reply made me cry....and I see that as a good thing. I need to care about myself enough to let myself feel the pain he is causing me--not make excuses for it, I know that I deserve more than this. I know this is a bad situation. As I was driving home yesterday, I was thinking about how I left my son's dad. He was abusive and I was afraid of what he might do. So I took small steps.....got a storage shed, saved up some money, etc, until finally I was ready. I really think I need to try that again. Small steps. I think I can do that.

itisatruth

I can see myself heading this way, Splendra. I used to be really concerned with losing the house, but the longer I stay, the more I see that if the house is what is keeping me.....I am basically suffering for money. Selling my soul for the equity in my home, so to speak. I don't know yet what will happen, but if I am never able to own my own home again, that may be something I just need to accept. My feeling is that I am worth more to me than the house. Thanks.

itisatruth

[QUOTE=rozied;1767535] Love without trust & respect can only carry you so far. There is an old song by Paul Simon that says " love is not enough " and its so true.
/QUOTE]

Diane, thank you for your words and time....My AH always like to use "I'm not a bad guy" and "You know I love you". My answer to those is ......its not about love or being good or bad.....this is about your disease.

itisatruth

Yes, the neighbor issue is really messed up. Ever since my H found out he was a dealer and that pills are easy to get, he has not maintained clean time. I don't know which is worse sometimes......the "tweaking" (ugh I hate that word) or the day to day ups and downs with the pills. He disgusts me when he is like that.

I have had many, many thoughts about what I'd like to do to my neighbor. what pisses me off the most probably is that he has the rest of the neighbors fooled into thinking he's some sort of family man. But I know which of my other neighbors do drugs too. Sad, isn't it.

But in my heart I know that it is my H who has to want to stay clean enough to say no.

itisatruth

Thanks as always codeinewife for your support. I did see the other post and it seriously made me LOL. I need that this morning. I was going to buy work shoes, but those might be hard to walk around in, so I might just have to buy two pairs.

I always read your posts because I see that someday I might have to be going through the whole process like you and I hope to learn about it through your experiences. I hope you don't mind

ZombieWife

I would honestly call the cops and tell them he's dealing. You can do it anonymously. The people across the street were MAKING meth in their garage (the family also had two beautiful little girls.) I will go to my death bed as a rat and I'm darn proud of it in this case. I know it wouldn't stop my husband from going to find it if he needed it, but it was something, as petty as it sounds and regardless of my own pathetic motives, the girls are no longer in danger so some good came out of it no matter my true intentions.

I have no tolerance for drug dealers--especially if he has children (as is suggested.)

I know I sound mean and spiteful. I'm aware of that. But I feel I'm in a battle here sometimes--against these people who create and sell this stuff for profit. If I were a superhero, I would get rid of bad guys who made and profited off this stuff, those who benefit from the misfortune of others. I just need to think up a good superhero name.

BayAreaPhoenix

I see a project for this week! Get your cape ready!

itisatruth

LOL, codeinewife, I see it too. Let's get our creative juices flowing and find zombiewife a good alter-ego super hero name.......I LOVE this site....I am lol-ing again. Such a nice end to a hectic weekend!!

zombie wife, I sooo hear what you're saying. He does have two children btw. I have already passed on the info to someone I know in law-enforcement who said she'd pass it on the the right people. No luck yet though. It just drives me nuts that he makes his living off other's misery's like you said. He is always getting new cars while we struggle to make ends meet.

I know full well that my AH has the power to say no. My neighbor, d-head is his name btw, did not cause my AH to become an addict. But my AH is always saying that even though he sells drugs, he is a nice guy (personable). I say who the heck cares if he is contributing to the destruction of other human beings. He is not a nice guy, not even close.

nytepassion

my ex used meth and drank .. God i remember how long the days and nights felt. I remember the torn feelings of wanting him to leave, but being afraid of where he would go or what he might do. i remember all feeling physically sick over what he was doing and more so over what i was allow myself to put up with.

i remember thinking and feeling how unfair it was that the kids and i would have to be uprooted and leave our home just to have peace and some 'normalacy' in our lives and for a while i found myself fighting moving out just for the sake of fairness and in hopes he'd leave first. I soon realized that his addiction and I were at a stand off and it was clear that I wasn't going to be the last one standing so for the sake of the kids and my own sanity I put my hands at my side and let all that I had held onto fall to the ground and moved out.

As painful as it was I knew deep deep down inside of myself that I had done the right thing for the kids and for ME ... I did it for ME .. I surrendered .. threw the white flag in .. the enemy "addiction" had won the battle. I had to save us. So I humbly admitted defeat and turned around and rescued the kids and myself.

Personally for me: I found moving out to be more fair then staying and being roommates with his addiction.

******{Hugs to you}}}}
Passion