carolineb

I sheepishly post.....

Quick background: I'm a grown woman, divorced, 3 kids. 2 year relationship, mostly wonderful, but towards the end realized the somewhat puzzling behavior was because he was an A. Too many needy moments, too many breakups, etc. It was crazy odd.

Broke up in November. Did lots of work learning about alcoholism. Posted lots here. Was having a hard time moving on. Missed him. Forgot the bad and only remembered the good. Did I say I missed him? Holy crap, so much!!

Saw him out with another woman, thought I was okay, etc. He makes contact in April, and I foolishly tell him how much I miss him. I had a moment, what can I say? I'm sure he loved it. A few emails later, texts, calls.....boom, bang, bam.....I'm sucked back in.

I can't come on here to post about this....you'd all be appalled!! I was ashamed!! But....I vowed to have eyes wide open and I would be the one to change him.....I would have the difficult conversations.....I would support him and be able to detach from any drama. Please.

This lasted about 3 weeks. Last night I had some kind of epiphany of....'what the hell are you thinking....you know better than this and you can do better than this'. Needless to say, this was in reaction to the drama already starting. Plus, he seemed so distracted from really trying to make it work that I realized he was just keeping me 'hooked' while he figured out what he wanted.

I told him today, very happily, that I was finally done. Ready to move on. Will I hear from him still?....absolutely. Will I finally be able to resist....absolutely. Don't be a doubter! I have finally let go and it feels so good!

For all of you out there that feel 'stuck' and not able to move on. You are doing a quiet work within you that you don't even realize is going on. I thought I missed him....but what I really missed was the love and companionship of someone who truly loves me and this ain't it! I realized very quickly that this man is incapable of loving anyone but himself. It woke me up so quickly and slapped me in the face.

Live and learn. Know that as much as you miss your A and think you want them back..........it isn't as great as what you're creating in your mind. The same *hit comes back quickly and now that you're wiser....it gets old real fast and then you start realizing who's the fool. You!! Once you know they're truth, it truly dilutes everything that seems good. The bloom is off the rose.

I am free.......and so happy.

nowwhat

Thank you for posting this, I needed to read it. Hope you stay positive, it sounds really good.

lexusgirl

Totally agree with everything you've written!

I went back into an alcoholic relationship with my x fiance a long time ago; it lasted I think 11 days. I was so much wiser and just didn't put up with his ****, so it was easier to leave.

AWEDA

I did it too.
More than once.
Sometimes we repeat a lesson till we learn it.
I've finally learned Thank God.

Pilgrim

Thank you for writing this Caroline. I tried again for a few days recently. I am not even going to say how many times I tried again because I am ashamed. I just wanted to thank you for writing it down and giving me hope.

xx

Mair

Caroline ((())) been there done that!!! loads of times. And each time i went back i used to kick myself for being so stupid. Until that moment happens, when you know that you will never go back again. You just hit your bottom. congratulations, you can start living now.

Thank you for posting this i needed to hear this today.

Mairx

SailorKaren

Thank you for having the courage to share so openly with us. I'm finding it very helpful to hear your story. You can take real pride in how well you are caring for yourself. You are being a loving companion to yourself, and that is what is glaringly missing from your ex. In fact, I would modify this sentence to be:

I realized very quickly that this man is incapable of loving anyone, ESPECIALLY himself.

For if he truly loved and cared for himself, all his actions and thoughts toward others would reflect that love. He would be in recovery, and you would be thrilled to have him back. His actions instead belie his empty words, as he abuses himself every minute of every day. That is not self love, that is a tragedy.