Where do you draw the line?

Old 05-09-2008, 12:27 PM
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Where do you draw the line?

I've been married for 8 years, hubby confided he used to drink before we met. He had tried AA before in the past but none in years. He hasn't drank at all in the 8 years we've been together except for one time 4 years ago I found out and left him for 6 weeks.

My hubby has a bad back & neck, he's had one surgery and now needs another. I know that he has chronic pain. According to him he has constant pain & is never totally pain free. He's been given Vicoden in the past and can't regulate how much he takes, he will blow through them & then wonder where they went. Same thing with muscle relaxers. But he is always in "pain" and the "pain" never goes away.

So his doc puts him on Lyrica and Cymbalta & gives him a set monthly supply of Vicoden. He also adds a antiinflammatory drug also. He still has the muscle relaxers from his previous doc that he will take whenever his Vicoden runs out.

I can tell when the muscle relaxers are in use because he face looks like it will slide off his skull. The Vicoden just makes his pupils pinpoint.

Recently I got upset when I found out he & a neighbor will give each other meds when they are low, I was pissed and told him not only is that wrong, it's illegal. I also question some of the guys that come around, I just don't like the looks of them.

He says I am paranoid and act psychotic, it's true I just quit smoking and was on Chantix for a couple of weeks and had mood swings. But I stopped taking that 2 weeks ago. He says I am over reacting

I am constantly pissed off, he comes in doped up on meds, at least it looks like it to me, but tells me it's because of the "pain" He sees nothing wrong with sharing meds with the neighbor. I don't like some of the dudes that come over. I told him to tell one I don't want to see him around here again. There are 3 children that live here, I will not have them put into danger.

Quite honestly I don't know what to do, according to him there is no problem. No narc anon or al anon close by me. Although I do still have my al anon books.

I'm lost,
Teggie
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Old 05-09-2008, 01:17 PM
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It's about you and where YOU want to draw the line. You cannot control your husbands behavior. Only your own and what you are willing to live with.

It kind of sounds like you might be drawing boundaries with no consequences.

I told him to tell one I don't want to see him around here again. There are 3 children that live here, I will not have them put into danger.
That is a boundary. Now you have to decide what you are going to do if it is violated (are you going to call the police? are you going to take the children and leave?....) If there are no consequences for violating boundaries, they become meaningless threats that make the problem worse.
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Old 05-09-2008, 05:47 PM
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Teggie, we know when we know and your instinct is telling you that many things are wrong...what he is doing, the people coming to your home...trust your instinct and don't wait for his validation.

I'm sorry it's like it is, but maybe sit down and decide how far you will ride with this and what your "enough" point may be.

You don't have to do anything today, but stay aware and give some thought to how long you want to live like this.

We're walking with you no matter what you decide.

Hugs
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Old 05-09-2008, 06:07 PM
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Vicoden is my AH's DOC. He also really liked the muscle relaxant. I completely understand why you are pissed off. My AH kept taking that stuff, and he was trading with a "friend." He also was buying them off the Internet. You do need to draw the line and set your boundaries. If you haven't read Codependent No More," that is a good place to start. I like hello-kitty's idea of deciding what the consequences are for your boundaries. Towards the peak of my AH's usage, I finally started with the boundaries. One of mine was that I wasn't going to ride with him in the car when he was high.
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Old 05-09-2008, 06:20 PM
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(((Teggie)))

Welcome.

My AH's DOC was codeine it turns out. We have NOT had a good marriage even before we got married (don't get me started)! Set your boundaries, work on you! At least you know now what you're dealing with.

I have not had a good experience with pain-killers. I have not had a partner, a friend, any intimacey, etc. in years. I have a man who lives in his own world who cannot see or admit to his contribution in the demise of our marriage. Keep your eye on what you want for YOU! He might change tomorrow, but chances aren't good about that. Only you can decide. I know that sounds frustrating in a way, at least it did for me - I wanted answers when I got here. But, it's my life, my choices - just like it's your life and your choices. We are all here for you tho!
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Old 05-09-2008, 09:45 PM
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Thank you all very much for not telling me I am crazy. I have read many posts here tonight that have broke my heart into pieces. I know I don't have it near as bad as some of you here. I don't even feel like I deserve to post compared to alot of you.

I think I just really needed to know that I am not overreacting & I am not psychotic like I have been told that I am.

Does he have pain? yes. Does he need meds for pain control? yes. Where it becomes a problem is when the meds are used in excess to induce a drug euphoria. He will take & take & take until he has nothing else to take. Then he will borrow to take. All in the rationalization that it's "ok" because they are prescribed and he has medical problems. Then we enter the "sickness" phase, this happens magically once a month, ironically pretty near time for med refills, he becomes lethargic, sleepy, irritable & states he is "sick" I see it as withdrawel until he can start the cycle again.

Am I making any sense? He says I don't, that I am delusional.

I sat and thought about the 3 C's tonight and how I should live them.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I have found myself looking through his shop, searching for proof. My god have I ever dropped to a new low! I am obsessed with it. At least I can see it.

Today this guy in a truck pulls up and goes out back to hubby's shop. After a bit hubby comes in & I ask who was that? He tells me he was looking for a guy who lives next door who works in hubbys shop sometimes.

Later hubby leaves to go look at a job, the same dude pulls up while he is gone and starts walking back to the shop, I poke my head out & ask what he wants? He says he is looking for so & so, I say so& so ain't here, you just asked that 30 min ago. He says ok & stomps off, obviously pissed. Later hubby returns, I tell him about it and about a hour later the same guy is back heading to the shop again. At that point I holler at the guy to leave & if he returns I will call the cops. Hubby offers no explanation only that the dude was looking for the nieghbor. I think theres more too it myself. I know it's his biz but that can potentially affect me and the kids so that makes it my biz too.

Again I am delusional, paranoid and crazy.

I think I really need to figure out how much I can tolerate. This has been going on for quite a while, I am just now really facing it. Before it was easier to be oblivious to it because I didn't want to deal with it. Whats bad now is I am in such a state of rage. He comes in looking stoned and I just want to beat the hell out of him. And I am not normally like that.

I think I need to do some serious praying tonight to my higher power.

Thank you,
Teggie
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Old 05-10-2008, 06:13 AM
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He's simply switched one addiction for another.

I have degenerative disc disease and bulging discs. My pain is managed with steroid injections into my tailbone, ibuprofen, and exercise. Narcotics are a big no-no for me, and I've found I can tolerate a lot of pain when it flares up.
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Old 05-10-2008, 08:57 AM
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OMG Teggie! Our stories are so similar! I am struggling so much right now with how to handle my AH soma addiction. He, too, has legitmate back pain, which got him into a hydrocodone/Lortab addiction 6 yrs ago. He's been on suboxone for 3 yrs, weening down to almost nothing at this point, but he's never completely stopped taking the muscle relaxer Soma. So I know all about the face sliding off his skull thing. I;m going to post a new message in a moment if you care to read and see how it may relate to your situation as well.

Anyway, I don't have any advice per se as I'm in the same boat as you with only half an oar. I only wanted to offer my support and let you know you're not alone.

Good luck to you!
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Old 05-13-2008, 01:35 PM
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Thank you all, I have been working so I have'nt had the chance to post. 12 hour shifts are rough sometimes.

Things are ok right now, as if there ever really is an "ok". He is out of meds right now, can't refill them until tomorrow. He is mostly quiet, kinda grumpy & states the pain is unbearable. But I do like it when his eyes are clear when he talks to me. It means alot as stupid as that sounds.

So he'll get the meds filled tomorrow and we start the process again.

I love him, I just don't know if I can/will adapt to life always being like this. Because I don't see him changing, he would have to want to & I don't think he does. So any changes will come from me. I am saying the 3 C's every day, I chant them all day long. I'm trying to work on me, a little at a time.

I get frustrated when my paycheck just dissapears from me. There are always bills to pay and we he gets low on his acct invariably he draws from mine. He usually replaces it although sometimes it can take a looooong time. It's not fair in my opinion but to try to talk about it is an automatic fight & he & I do not fight well. We're ok trying to talk about things but getting angry and yelling is just a dead end.

Sometimes facing up to your problems really sucks. I am really fighting major depression right now.

Thank you bottleblonde, I am going to read your post now.

Hugs everyone,
Teggie
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Old 05-22-2008, 07:16 AM
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Teggie,
Wow as I read your post I realized we have a very similar story. I married my husband 8 years ago. He was an alcoholic when we met 10 years ago and he went to AA and stopped drinking and hasn't touched alcohol since. Last month we got in a huge fight and he left for a couple days. He refused to talk to me and finally confessed he had a big problem with hydrocodone (vicodin). He was working in a pharmacy. I totally freaked out I had no idea. I called the pharmacy and said he had a problem. I thought I was protecting him but had no idea I was opening up a bigger mess. He was charged yesterday with embezzeling drugs from work. He started out with a couple precriptions from the doc for back pain and he would take more than what was prescribed. He went from doc to doc getting new refills. I never new he was taking them to begin with. My aunt almost died from taking vicodin for so many years then she went to rehab then started again and her body went into complete organ failure she was on life support and and a miracle happened and she survived. I thought he would never do drugs after seeing that but instead he increased his usage. He was taking almost 20 pills a day. He said he was so fearful of me finding out and what it would do to me. My husband did check himself in to rehab last month for a week and has been doing Intensive outpatient therapy since.
I guess my point of telling you this is I understand some of what you are going through. We fought constantly when he was doing drugs. He was very defensive and would make excuses for his behavior all the time. In the last month I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions. Drugs make them do the most obsurd things. I have 2 children myself. We have to do our best to protect our children and take care of ourselves. For the first time in many years I am finally letting my husband suffer consequences for his actions. Yesterday he had the nerve to complain to me about the consequences and I was furious!! I am also suffering consequences for his actions and I didn't choose this. Wow - I had to get all that out sorry if it is scattered. This is the first time I have posted. Thanks to anyone who listens!!
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Old 05-22-2008, 09:21 AM
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(((This)))

I am so sorry you are having to go through that. I understand how you feel. I had to make my hubby leave the house because of the pills.

We have to take care of us because noone else will.

We did not cause this
We can not cure this
We can not control it

I have had to set boundries on what I will allow in my home. I wrote hubby a email last night. I said first that I still loved him and hoped we could work things out. I said that Hydrocordone & muscle relaxers have no place in our home and if he wants his family and life back he will have to seek alternative pain managment for his back such as topical patches, injections etc.

I said if he chose to continue Hydrocordone & muscle relaxers he was on his own.

I don't expect an answer because he's still on pills right now. At his rate of consumption though he will be out of them soon and can't refill them until mid June. Thats when we will see how this is going to pan out.

I'ts sad when pills are preferable to a wife, home and family.

Teggie
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