Who does he think he is?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Who does he think he is?
I'm feeling a little like paj right now. I spoke with xabf last night; he moved over to the coast to take a new job. He told me how beautiful it was were he is at. I know the area so I feel a little envious. It just makes me so pissed off as he is enjoying all that area has to offer six hours away. It's as though he's on an extended vacation on the beach and here I am for the last few weeks picking up all the slack on his responsiblities and really stressing about it.
I did all the cleaning and the check out with the rental. He didn't even offer or ask anything about it. He just walks away like nothing needed to be taken care of. Then when I spoke to him last night he just sat there telling me how wonderful it is where he is staying now.
I'm just amazed at how he can shrug off his responsiblities as though they never existed in the first place. It's as though he isn't even in reality.
He proceeds to once again ask if I'd consider seeing him again, and I told him the same thing I always do. After the conversation ended he texted me saying that if I wanted to have lunch with him to call him as he'd be in town this weekend.WTH?? I don't get it, as I told him firmly I wanted nothing to do with him.
On a sidenote, I talk to him very rarely, and I have found for me, it actually helps me along with my recovery in the sense that I get a good, hard dose or reality about just how insane and alcoholic he is.
I did all the cleaning and the check out with the rental. He didn't even offer or ask anything about it. He just walks away like nothing needed to be taken care of. Then when I spoke to him last night he just sat there telling me how wonderful it is where he is staying now.
I'm just amazed at how he can shrug off his responsiblities as though they never existed in the first place. It's as though he isn't even in reality.
He proceeds to once again ask if I'd consider seeing him again, and I told him the same thing I always do. After the conversation ended he texted me saying that if I wanted to have lunch with him to call him as he'd be in town this weekend.WTH?? I don't get it, as I told him firmly I wanted nothing to do with him.
On a sidenote, I talk to him very rarely, and I have found for me, it actually helps me along with my recovery in the sense that I get a good, hard dose or reality about just how insane and alcoholic he is.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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Mister Big Stuff. (Sorry! :o)
Really- my AH is the same way as far as walking away from responsibilities. I've talked to him about what needs to be done to sell our house, but he does nothing. So- I am taking charge and enlisting help from friends and family. He'll get half of the value of the house- that will increase with the work other people put into it. If he chooses not to get his stuff out I will get rid of it- but I'd like to pull a Carmela Soprano and throw it all out in the front yard.
Yes- I feel frustrated today- as you obviously are. I'm like you too sometimes in that I "need" to be reminded of his craziness with a good confrontation. I actually avoid talking to him, but now and then I notice that if I start to feel sad or sentimental about him, out of nowhere he'll say something that reminds me of why I'm on this (hard) path. It's almost as if my HP is showing me the way. If I were you, I'd try not to initiate conversations. I know it sometimes helps to reinforce why we are where we are, but ultimately it's painful. (((Take care!)))
Really- my AH is the same way as far as walking away from responsibilities. I've talked to him about what needs to be done to sell our house, but he does nothing. So- I am taking charge and enlisting help from friends and family. He'll get half of the value of the house- that will increase with the work other people put into it. If he chooses not to get his stuff out I will get rid of it- but I'd like to pull a Carmela Soprano and throw it all out in the front yard.
Yes- I feel frustrated today- as you obviously are. I'm like you too sometimes in that I "need" to be reminded of his craziness with a good confrontation. I actually avoid talking to him, but now and then I notice that if I start to feel sad or sentimental about him, out of nowhere he'll say something that reminds me of why I'm on this (hard) path. It's almost as if my HP is showing me the way. If I were you, I'd try not to initiate conversations. I know it sometimes helps to reinforce why we are where we are, but ultimately it's painful. (((Take care!)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Pajarito 
but I'd like to pull a Carmela Soprano and throw it all out in the front yard.
but now and then I notice that if I start to feel sad or sentimental about him, out of nowhere he'll say something that reminds me of why I'm on this (hard) path. It's almost as if my HP is showing me the way.
but now and then I notice that if I start to feel sad or sentimental about him, out of nowhere he'll say something that reminds me of why I'm on this (hard) path. It's almost as if my HP is showing me the way.
Yes it's only when I feel sad and am missing him, then I talk to him and I remember instantly why I left him. Usually it's a few mins. into the convo that I feel this way.
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl
I'm just amazed at how he can shrug off his responsiblities as though they never existed in the first place. It's as though he isn't even in reality.
He's not, he's not living in reality. It amazes me that they can just go on without any consequences or concerns. But you know what, i'm convinced that it does eventually catch up with them, A or not, just the kind of people some are. My 1st bf of 5 years wasn't an A but he just up and left for greener pastures and heard a little while back that things aren't so hot for him now and his mom said to a friend of mine that she wished he married me!
But, you have to wonder what's really going on with him to just up and go. I've often thought about up and leaving to get away from everything and my mum was the first to say that unless you work on your issues, you bring your problems wherever you go.
You have to believe that there is someone out there that is deserving of your loving and caring ways....your too good for your ex and it's his loss Lex.
p.s. I WISH J would up and move 6 hours away....I'm ENVIOUS OF YOU GIRLY!!!
hugs, i'm thinking of you
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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unless you work on your issues, you bring your problems wherever you go
Lexus
so sorry that you are going through this right now...When I finally decided to stop taking his calls/txts life was more manageable for me! I know that it may appear that he is helping with your recovery but, IMHO he is not. I was prolonging my recovery when I kept in contact with my XABF. We decide when the time is right to cut contact....are you ready yet?
Focus on yourself and know as hbb stated there is someone out there that is deserving you YOU-for who you are!
P.S. "Play the tape all the way thru"
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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I talk to him very rarely, and I have found for me, it actually helps me along with my recovery in the sense that I get a good, hard dose or reality about just how insane and alcoholic he is.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
Keeping contact with my AH husband since he left definitely puts me in a tailspin. We do have two children together, so I know that we will not be able to sever all contact. I will just have to learn to deal better with my emotions and diffuse any negativity that may enter my mind the best I can for today. It is what it is, and I cannot change that. I can only change me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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hbb-Yes I guess I'm lucky he isn't around much anymore. I don't have to worry about running into him. Although it doesn't make things that much more easier.
I think recovery isn't always a fun place...recovery comes with a lot of ups and downs, fears, and joy. All kinds of different emotions...
I'm angry regardless if I spoke to him.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he thinks I still want to see him? Also being a drunk just isn't an excuse that I can accept for being toally irresponsible. I know I'm supposed to "accept" that, but I can't!!
I think recovery isn't always a fun place...recovery comes with a lot of ups and downs, fears, and joy. All kinds of different emotions...
I'm angry regardless if I spoke to him.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he thinks I still want to see him? Also being a drunk just isn't an excuse that I can accept for being toally irresponsible. I know I'm supposed to "accept" that, but I can't!!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Lexus,
He has abandoned his responsibilities to you, he is an abusive alcoholic living in a self-important dream world, and you have made clear that you don't want anything to do with him any more....
I'm unclear as to why you continue to accept communication from this man?
Said with love and concern for your mental health. You may find that you get better faster if you just cut him -- and yourself -- off completely and get on with your life. It's what I had to do in a similar situation.
Hugs,
GL
He has abandoned his responsibilities to you, he is an abusive alcoholic living in a self-important dream world, and you have made clear that you don't want anything to do with him any more....
I'm unclear as to why you continue to accept communication from this man?
Said with love and concern for your mental health. You may find that you get better faster if you just cut him -- and yourself -- off completely and get on with your life. It's what I had to do in a similar situation.
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I had to do this same thing with my brother...clean out our family home of his trash & garbage and addict street people he rented bedrooms to...probably in exchange for dope. He did not help clean any of it...said he couldn't stand to look at the mess when he was sober....this home went from a neat & kept up home to a "crack" type house in three years.
That was the last time I saw him...went to visit and he distracted me and then took off on me...so I hired a lawyer and finally had to evict my own brother from our family home along with his drug buddies...the police came and also the FBI looking for some of the people that had been living there.
They didn't ask me where my brother was so I didn't have to worry because I felt I would have to tell the truth of his where abouts to the FBI at least.
All my years of drinking and then all my years of sobriety did not prepare me for this. I guess I have seen simular situations on the TV show "Interventions" and in some documentaries about drugs and street people.
That was the last time I saw him...went to visit and he distracted me and then took off on me...so I hired a lawyer and finally had to evict my own brother from our family home along with his drug buddies...the police came and also the FBI looking for some of the people that had been living there.
They didn't ask me where my brother was so I didn't have to worry because I felt I would have to tell the truth of his where abouts to the FBI at least.
All my years of drinking and then all my years of sobriety did not prepare me for this. I guess I have seen simular situations on the TV show "Interventions" and in some documentaries about drugs and street people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I had to do this same thing with my brother...clean out our family home of his trash & garbage and addict street people he rented bedrooms to...probably in exchange for dope. He did not help clean any of it...said he couldn't stand to look at the mess when he was sober....this home went from a neat & kept up home to a "crack" type house in three years.
That was the last time I saw him...went to visit and he distracted me and then took off on me...so I hired a lawyer and finally had to evict my own brother from our family home along with his drug buddies...the police came and also the FBI looking for some of the people that had been living there.
They didn't ask me where my brother was so I didn't have to worry because I felt I would have to tell the truth of his where abouts to the FBI at least.
All my years of drinking and then all my years of sobriety did not prepare me for this. I guess I have seen simular situations on the TV
show "Interventions" and in some documentaries about drugs and street people. My brother kept saying :sorry
kelsh
That was the last time I saw him...went to visit and he distracted me and then took off on me...so I hired a lawyer and finally had to evict my own brother from our family home along with his drug buddies...the police came and also the FBI looking for some of the people that had been living there.
They didn't ask me where my brother was so I didn't have to worry because I felt I would have to tell the truth of his where abouts to the FBI at least.
All my years of drinking and then all my years of sobriety did not prepare me for this. I guess I have seen simular situations on the TV
show "Interventions" and in some documentaries about drugs and street people. My brother kept saying :sorry
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Lex,
His life hasn't changed at all. He's still in the same "place" as he's always been. Just got a new street address. You can wrap crap up in the nicest package ever, but it's still CRAP!
To bad he wasn't asking to visit when you were cleaning up the old place!
His life hasn't changed at all. He's still in the same "place" as he's always been. Just got a new street address. You can wrap crap up in the nicest package ever, but it's still CRAP!
To bad he wasn't asking to visit when you were cleaning up the old place!
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: near Boston, MA
Posts: 321
"I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he thinks I still want to see him? Also being a drunk just isn't an excuse that I can accept for being toally irresponsible. I know I'm supposed to "accept" that, but I can't!!"
The topic in my alanon meeting this week was acceptance, and then the next night at my meditation class the theme was also "acceptance" So I had to figure that was something Im being gently told to be thinking about. One thing said over and over was "You don't have to like it to accept it." That really hit home for me in a couple ways. At this point, you're not going to like the things Xabf does - that's why he's X. I guess you'd just have to accept that as long as he has your numbers, he can contact you. Do you want to accept that as a part of your life? and if so, then knowing the next step would be having to work on what you want your reaction to be. I'm the kind of person-I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where, when I see that number pop up, that I am no longer drawn to answer it. there's always some part of me that just wonders what he might say, and I have to know. So I'm working on accepting that as a part of me. That he will call - and I will answer. Both things I don't like, but for today, I have to accept them. Maybe it's similiar for you? But I'm trying to work from there. Trying to work on changing my own reactions when the calls come. maybe later, I'll be tough enough to just let it ring and forget it, and let that mystery be. but until that day - I feel like I just have to work on my reactions - what I own - and don't let it hijack a whole day. Talk, say what you say, and be done. Put down the phone and walk away from it. Don't feed into his drama or manipulation. And I know I have plenty of my own manipulations I have to keep chained in the basement. Leave your feelings outside of it. hear what he has to say, take a deep breath, give the quickest easier (for u) answer you can - and then put it down and spend the rest of the day something for you. I have to accept in myself - I will answer the call, so now what I can change it how I handle it. Hope that applies in some way... I'm new to all of this and I thinking I'm starting to get little tiny insights coming to me but maybe it's just nonsense!... no matter what, hang in there, you're strong!
The topic in my alanon meeting this week was acceptance, and then the next night at my meditation class the theme was also "acceptance" So I had to figure that was something Im being gently told to be thinking about. One thing said over and over was "You don't have to like it to accept it." That really hit home for me in a couple ways. At this point, you're not going to like the things Xabf does - that's why he's X. I guess you'd just have to accept that as long as he has your numbers, he can contact you. Do you want to accept that as a part of your life? and if so, then knowing the next step would be having to work on what you want your reaction to be. I'm the kind of person-I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where, when I see that number pop up, that I am no longer drawn to answer it. there's always some part of me that just wonders what he might say, and I have to know. So I'm working on accepting that as a part of me. That he will call - and I will answer. Both things I don't like, but for today, I have to accept them. Maybe it's similiar for you? But I'm trying to work from there. Trying to work on changing my own reactions when the calls come. maybe later, I'll be tough enough to just let it ring and forget it, and let that mystery be. but until that day - I feel like I just have to work on my reactions - what I own - and don't let it hijack a whole day. Talk, say what you say, and be done. Put down the phone and walk away from it. Don't feed into his drama or manipulation. And I know I have plenty of my own manipulations I have to keep chained in the basement. Leave your feelings outside of it. hear what he has to say, take a deep breath, give the quickest easier (for u) answer you can - and then put it down and spend the rest of the day something for you. I have to accept in myself - I will answer the call, so now what I can change it how I handle it. Hope that applies in some way... I'm new to all of this and I thinking I'm starting to get little tiny insights coming to me but maybe it's just nonsense!... no matter what, hang in there, you're strong!
Last edited by AliceinWndrland; 05-09-2008 at 07:19 PM. Reason: grammar
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by i4getsm
Lex,
To bad he wasn't asking to visit when you were cleaning up the old place!
To bad he wasn't asking to visit when you were cleaning up the old place!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thanks everyone for your blunt and kind replies.
Alice-I can totally relate to what you're saying. He doesn't call me very much. I'd say three or four times in the last month. I usually hit ignore on my phone, but did talk to him last night.
Maybe I use him for a distraction from the rest of my problems. I have so much on my plate right now I'm really overwhelmed and very stressed.
I will never understand the behavior of an addict. It just amazes me how they can be so cold. I will never ever entertain the thought of getting back together. At this point in my life I'm so angry at him and disgusted by his actions.
Alice-I can totally relate to what you're saying. He doesn't call me very much. I'd say three or four times in the last month. I usually hit ignore on my phone, but did talk to him last night.
Maybe I use him for a distraction from the rest of my problems. I have so much on my plate right now I'm really overwhelmed and very stressed.
I will never understand the behavior of an addict. It just amazes me how they can be so cold. I will never ever entertain the thought of getting back together. At this point in my life I'm so angry at him and disgusted by his actions.
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Maybe it is a temporary distraction from other problems... it's just a problem that you're used to. Could be less scary in a way than "new" scary stuff. As they say, the devil that you know... Of course, like most temporary fixes it doesn't end up really doing the job it was meant to do. As you said, after a few minutes of talking it's just like blech... but if you're able to ignore the bulk of his calls - I'd say you're doing pretty darn good!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by AliceinWndrland
Maybe it is a temporary distraction from other problems... it's just a problem that you're used to. Could be less scary in a way than "new" scary stuff.
Thanks for your insight
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: near Boston, MA
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I'm going through something very similiar. Huge blow up with alcoholic dad happened at the same time my boyfriend broke up with me (bf is not an alcoholic or addict, just a hell of a great guy) These 2 things are going on at once - but man, the situation with my dad is so awful and raw and angry and hurtful... I'm talking to my therapist about it, but really the bulk of my time is thinking about the bf and planning how to get up back together.. because as painful as the break up is, I can assume someday I will have another bf... but there's only one dad, and that situation is just too much for me to handle right now...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
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((((Alice))))
I can totally relate! My situation is the most painful thing I have ever dealt with my entire life..and I have been through a lot. The thing with xabf is pretty cut and dry now. I broke up with him, moved on, blah blah blah etc..
The other thing is so much more complex.
I can totally relate! My situation is the most painful thing I have ever dealt with my entire life..and I have been through a lot. The thing with xabf is pretty cut and dry now. I broke up with him, moved on, blah blah blah etc..
The other thing is so much more complex.
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: near Boston, MA
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yes, and at least for me, the sad thing is right now - sitting listening to sad music, crying, writing unsent love letters... is terrible! but in a way it's so much more preferable than really sitting down and thinking of facing my father and what I would say to him... I try and the anger just boils right up... I guess I'm more comfortable with sadness than anger - working towards being able to handle both of them gracefully... but change seems to come so slowly...
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