Easier said than done

Old 05-09-2008, 09:55 AM
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Easier said than done

My advice to others sometimes comes back to haunt me. I know I've responded to others about their AHs moving on- with other women. I think mine is doing the same. I had a conversation this morning with dd about an incident last weekend where she and AH helped a woman he works with with her flat tire. The woman called him, they went to help her. If you will recall, he had an emotional affair (I think that's all) with a woman he works with- no remorse. I'm thinking this is the woman. <sigh> I KNOW he's no prince, I KNOW he will bring all of his chaos to any relationship he's in. I KNOW I'm better off. BUT- I still feel crappy. I'm angry too, because he has done nothing to help me with our house since he moved out 8 months ago, and shows no sign of doing anything to get it ready to sell- so here he is running off to help someone he's known less than a year. Just crabby. 12 years of marriage. . . Getting over it is easier said than done. I know some of you have had to accept your significant other moving on into other relationships. Can I just get a little boost here- even just to say you can feel my pain??? Thanks.
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajarito View Post
Getting over it is easier said than done. Can I just get a little boost here- even just to say you can feel my pain??? Thanks.
Yeah, I can relate, been through that on at least one occasion, intellectually you tell yourself you're doing the right thing, the heart has a way of interfering. I try to remind myself what I've been told many times, it's a process, just takes time.


:ghug3
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
paj - it's easy to race off and change a flat tire and then get to look like a HERO, real small amount of investment in time and effort there..........it takes a by far better man to tackle the hard stuff head on, like taking care of responsibilities and obligations like fixing up the house and other tasks that require a level of maturity and dedication..........his actions are all about finding that easier softer way and doing the footloose fancy free life is just a parade schtick......

you did and still do deserve much better, darlin........
You are absolutely right! In every way the man has taken the path of least resistance. I need to remember that. Thank you!
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:30 AM
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paj-I too feel this way with xabf. He now has a really good job, over on the coast, and he gets to enjoy that scenary. It makes me somewhat angry now, as he just walked away from any and all responsiblities. I guess like anvil said, they take the easier way out.

I totally can relate to where you're coming from. Although my son isn't with my xabf, my son's A father did the same thing when he left me. Actually I was pregnant and he left me for a 18 year old girl that was still in high school (I was in my early 20's at the time) I raised my son alone for a very long time, and he only popped in to be the "disneyland Dad" on occasion.

Hang in there sweetie
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:37 AM
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Thanks lexusgirl- I think my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head. I'm sorry for what you've been through too. . .Paj
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:54 AM
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Paj - I understand the feelings -- betrayal and anger. I have been wondering and wondering when the anger will go away -- and there is no "other woman" in my scenario. I wonder - am I doing something wrong, am I not doing something I am supposed to be doing, this anger is just not going away, how do I make it go away??? And there I am, trying to control things again. So I let go, for a minute, and it does go away. I had an AHA this morning that may help. When my AH and I were together and I would try to discuss anything with him that I was upset about, his reaction would be "you shouldn't feel that way". I think I have been telling myself that about my anger -- that I shouldn't feel that way. So, I gave myself permission to be angry, and I am not so angry anymore. Seems like I have to keep reaffirming that, it definately does not come automatically. But, it does seem to help!
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Old 05-09-2008, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajarito View Post
Thanks lexusgirl- I think my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head. I'm sorry for what you've been through too. . .Paj
In time it will...I can promise you that (((hugs)))
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Old 05-09-2008, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by nowinsituation View Post
I wonder - am I doing something wrong, am I not doing something I am supposed to be doing, this anger is just not going away, how do I make it go away???
You feel it! You rant in the car, you play loud, angry music, you yell in the house, you punch pillows, you go on a hard walk or run, you journal or vent to your counselor- but definitely get it out!!! No matter what the circumstances, I think we all are dealing with some anger over our situations from time to time. I HATE ALCOHOLISM!!! Yeah- that was anger in all caps.
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Old 05-09-2008, 11:29 AM
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(((Paj))) I know how you feel too. As you know my exabf is about to have a baby with his ex that he left me for. It's weird, cause i am having the same kind of day as a few of us here and it's been a long time since i've been feeling this crappy!

It will pass, it always somehow seems to! And you know what chaos someone else is going to end up with and know that you are doing the right thing and want such a better life for you and your dd. I think we tend to create these little happy lives our ex's are having when in reality it's probably not the case but it's easy to forget that

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Old 05-09-2008, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Pajarito View Post
Thanks lexusgirl- I think my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head. I'm sorry for what you've been through too. . .Paj

You said it all with this statement. This is a powerful statement for understanding the way many of us often feel. Thanks
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Old 05-09-2008, 01:43 PM
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Pajarito,

Don't give another thought to what he does..

You are a quality woman, who is working on her recovery, and moving forward and towards a more fulfilling life.

Oh, and you also are an inspiration to those of us who are not as far in our recovery as you are!

Girl, as far as I am concerned.....



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Old 05-10-2008, 02:24 PM
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(((Pajarito)))

My XAH moved out of town into a luxury penthouse apartment, and makes a point of showing the kids (via video chat) slideshows of glamorous parties he's throwing--with all these very stylish looking, young, happy people. Meanwhile I'm raising the kids by myself and paying off his debts. All to say--I feel your pain.

But you know what? No matter where he goes, he has to live with himself, just like your AH does. Anyone can change a tire. Being a truly devoted husband and father is a lot harder work. He'll show his a$$ to this woman. If I were you, I'd feel sorry for her and count yourself lucky.
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