the time has come: don't do it again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
the time has come: don't do it again
my girlfriend told me "don't do it again". I'm just moved into her house and another use could force me to move again. I've been subjecting her to my addiction for 3 years now and I'm at the end of my rope. amends throughj action--right now the action of staying clean and simply being available--is something I owe her.
the simple words, however, of "don't do it again", have stuck with me. I've repeated them a number of times through the day since I heard them. right now can be my time to finally give this up.
I'm noticing that my two main triggers are lonliness and anger. right now i'm feeling lonliness....a little earlier I was feeling anger....
I need to find a way to take care of my lonliness. a new way. the old way brings me more loliness, and more.
I'm scared that I can't quit. but I got to. obviously I don't have to, but my time has come. Yesterday I felt that maybe i could simply put it in my memory and simplely let it fade away because it is not a part of me. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore, but still I'm afraid of letting it go.
I've got to use everything I've learned in recovery and in books and from people in my world who have inspired me and put it all into my recovery. I've done this perhaps 150 times in the last 3 years (got clean and back on board the recovery plan) and failed 150 times.
why this time? how can I do it now? is now finally going to be when I get clean, again? I don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
I've sorta held things together in these 3 years--pretty much flatlining myself through the days....."messing up", getting clean right away, feeling better, and then messing up again.
thanks for listening
the simple words, however, of "don't do it again", have stuck with me. I've repeated them a number of times through the day since I heard them. right now can be my time to finally give this up.
I'm noticing that my two main triggers are lonliness and anger. right now i'm feeling lonliness....a little earlier I was feeling anger....
I need to find a way to take care of my lonliness. a new way. the old way brings me more loliness, and more.
I'm scared that I can't quit. but I got to. obviously I don't have to, but my time has come. Yesterday I felt that maybe i could simply put it in my memory and simplely let it fade away because it is not a part of me. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore, but still I'm afraid of letting it go.
I've got to use everything I've learned in recovery and in books and from people in my world who have inspired me and put it all into my recovery. I've done this perhaps 150 times in the last 3 years (got clean and back on board the recovery plan) and failed 150 times.
why this time? how can I do it now? is now finally going to be when I get clean, again? I don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
I've sorta held things together in these 3 years--pretty much flatlining myself through the days....."messing up", getting clean right away, feeling better, and then messing up again.
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Maybe you can talk with someone one on one about your feelings. This is what I did. I had to separate my problem with addiction and emotions. Mostly because some will look at it as a reason to justify using.
Just thought I would share this with you. Because there were times I felt I was just self medicating. But I drank even when times were great.
And wanted to say hi.
Just thought I would share this with you. Because there were times I felt I was just self medicating. But I drank even when times were great.
And wanted to say hi.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am right where your at.
Want it but maybe not bad enough to actually make it stick.
I fall in that cycle of staying clean..falling off and getting right back up.
It is such an endless cycle of BS.
I dont have a SO or kids. Which right now I am thankful for.
I do however have family that has watched me go through this up and down crap for many years.
Noone depends on me. It is more like the other way around.
All my family depends on me for is to do what I am suppose to because they love me and dont want to see me dead.
I keep trying in hopes that one of these times is going to be the one where I finally get it together for good.
Far cry from a year ago and all the years prior where it was more like keep getting high in hopes that one of those times would be the one to take me out.
Bless the people who stand by us addicts.
If not for them...I know I wouldnt even care.
You can do it. If you always get right back up and try that says you want it. You just have to want it bad enough.
Want it but maybe not bad enough to actually make it stick.
I fall in that cycle of staying clean..falling off and getting right back up.
It is such an endless cycle of BS.
I dont have a SO or kids. Which right now I am thankful for.
I do however have family that has watched me go through this up and down crap for many years.
Noone depends on me. It is more like the other way around.
All my family depends on me for is to do what I am suppose to because they love me and dont want to see me dead.
I keep trying in hopes that one of these times is going to be the one where I finally get it together for good.
Far cry from a year ago and all the years prior where it was more like keep getting high in hopes that one of those times would be the one to take me out.
Bless the people who stand by us addicts.
If not for them...I know I wouldnt even care.
You can do it. If you always get right back up and try that says you want it. You just have to want it bad enough.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
The desire to quit is a good start. You said that you have been trying to quit for about 3 years - do you have any insight as to why you weren't successful?
Try thinking about this - Do you want to quit, not does your roommate want you to quit, but Do You Want to Quit? If you do want to quit, What Are You Willing to do to Quit? You can even simplify that by asking yourself
- What am I Willing to do to Not Drink Today?
Try thinking about those questions and see if you can start working towards the answers.
Good luck and by the way, a good way to not drink and help with your loneliness is to go to an AA meeting.
Try thinking about this - Do you want to quit, not does your roommate want you to quit, but Do You Want to Quit? If you do want to quit, What Are You Willing to do to Quit? You can even simplify that by asking yourself
- What am I Willing to do to Not Drink Today?
Try thinking about those questions and see if you can start working towards the answers.
Good luck and by the way, a good way to not drink and help with your loneliness is to go to an AA meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I tried and failed many times before I found lasting recovery. I never gave up and it finally paid off because I am finally sober and really living a life of recovery.
This can be true for you. Keep seeking answers and don't give up.
This can be true for you. Keep seeking answers and don't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
how nice to come back here this morning, CLEAN still, and to read all these responses.
I felt the "knawing" in my gut yesterday...I felt it for much of the day. Finally, around 7pm it subsided as I watched my daughter at a swimming pool.
I'm glad right now. glad to hear the birds outside; to be able to appreciate them.
Ksplash
"dont do it again"
I felt the "knawing" in my gut yesterday...I felt it for much of the day. Finally, around 7pm it subsided as I watched my daughter at a swimming pool.
I'm glad right now. glad to hear the birds outside; to be able to appreciate them.
Ksplash
"dont do it again"
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