Chrysalis123

Well, my children are showing signs of emotional distress and STBXAH is making the entire divorce worse for them. He is now having an affair with a 24 year old(he's 48) and my intuitive 10 year old knew. I knew she was upset when she would run away from her dad's, he lives 1 block away, and come home, hide, and cry for up to an hour. She also acted depressed and for the last 3 days stayed laying down most of the time wanting to be held.

She discovered the affair by piecing together the clues. What a horrible thing for her to bare. She didn't say a word until I discovered it myself and then she told me who it was and where she worked. I think she was protecting me.

STBXAH has been neglecting the kids in favor of himself and his lover claiming poor and lying, even though the settlement says he can ask for as much extra time with them as he wants. He has never asked for one extra minute. Yesterday told them he couldn't keep and obligation due to a meeting. The "meeting" was a golf game and the kids found out and know he lied again.

I need ESH here. Today I spoke with AH and explained the distress of the kids. I started to give my advice and then apologized for not minding my own business. 20 minutes later he invited the kids out for lunch (I homeschool, and he spent the afternoon with them. Little one that was "sick" for the last 3 days jumped up, got dressed and was soooo excited cause her dad wanted to be with her. She was her old little self.

I don't know if I should interfere like I did today. Or should I let the cards fall where they may?

It breaks my heart to see the kids suffer because of AH's selfishness. He even blames the children for their feelings.

peaceteach

I'm sorry your children are suffering, Chrysalis. I know it must tear at your heart to watch them suffer when you know they deserve love unconditionally from a parent. This is the cross that children of alcoholics bear, and why many seek self-destructive behavior as adults not realizing their damage. I think it is very important to allow them their true feelings and acknowledge them. I also know that having YOU as a strong, loving, daily and nightly-never going anywhere-parent will be their blessing in life. Hang in there, be as "normal" as you can under the circumstances. I hate to see your little girl have to go through the I HATE HIM/I LOVE HIM ups and downs of having an alcoholic loved one. It seems like it would teach her that that is what love is, a hit and miss thing rather than a lifelong, steady love. Counseling may be a good idea for her. Also watch for a "withdrawal" behavior where they don't say anything because they learn it is better just to not talk about it. Also child-of-alcoholic thinking. Time for some more reading so that you are aware of the dynamics/effects on children, huh? Again, I'm so sorry that you are worried about them, and I don't know that I would do anything more to encourage the relationship with their dad right now while he is actively drinking and making terrible parenting choices. Sometimes we have to realize that WE are both mom and dad when married to an A.

Chrysalis123

Thank you Peaceteach for taking the time to reply. Can you recommend any books that talk about child-acoholic parent issues?

I am going to schedule counseling today.

Shivaya

Chrysalis,

My heart aches for you and your children..

My father was an alcoholic, and he and my mom were divorced when I was 11. He moved to another state. I saw him once, maybe twice a year, until he died (I was 35 years old.).

As an adult, I know that he loved me and was proud of me (he told me this many times as an adult). I understood that he had a disease and he did the best he could at the time.

As a child, I felt unloved and uncared for by MY OWN DAD.

I spent my entire teenage/young adult years clinging to any man that would give me the slightest bit of attention. I figured I was no good and did not deserve much.

I am 40 yrs. old now, married to an alcholic, and finally stopping my co-dependant, enabling ways.

This has been a lifelong journey for me...I've had the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" since I was in my 20's. But I am just now getting it!

I am so glad to hear that you are going to make a counseling appt. for your children, this is the best thing you can do for them, in my opinion.

Again, my heart is aching for you and your family...

Shivaya

i4getsm

I'm so sorry Chrysalis. For me, the kids are the only reason I stayed for so long. It tears me up inside to know that they are confused. I cannot imagine how it must feel to have older kids who already realize what's going on. (((HUGS))) I think you are doing the best that you can do. I would encourage their dad to stay connected, but I wouldn't push him or your kids. They have to set their own pace. I just wouldn't close that door unless your kids want you to close it.

baileyboop

praying for your situation to get better.

Serenity8

I am so sorry Chrysalis. Do you have any alateen meetings in your area? Around here people do take their 10 year olds to them; it could help her sort her feelings about the whole situation.

cmc

Here is a link where you can find and Alateen meeting and you can access the literature you need at the meetings or online.

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

nowwhat

I'm so sorry for what your children are going through. My kids have suffered too. What I finally figured out is that they do best when I'm strong and happy. We can't prevent them from feeling divorce pain, but we can model resilience and hope.

(((hugs)))

Barbara52

My kids were young (3 and 7) when I divorced their dad. It was a marriage that died, no alcoholism involved. I took both of them to a family therapist for a while to help them understand it all at an age appropropriate level. I think it helped a great deal in the long run.