Ragazza Miele

A year later, away & now divorced from my AH of 23 yrs, I am a much happier person, educated about alcoholism, learning who I really am, and enjoying my new life. I have alot of good support, friends and a nice guy I hang with, but for the life of me, I can't shake the anger I have toward the XAH. I've tried, I will start a new day with "I'm not going to think that direction anymore", and then boom, somewhere along the day it hits me. How angry I am at myself, at him, at the situation that I took so long to get a handle on and do what was right for me. In the split for all that I gained, I lost my oldest daughter's respect, and all of my in-laws turned on me on a dime. They convince oldest daughter that my XAH is NOT and alcoholic. He just liked to drink. Yeah........I was in this family for 27 years, and they turned on me on a dime, as did the XAH and now my daughter. I can't help but be angry about it. I'm certainly not walking around smoking out of my ears, but it's a constant thought in my head. Thanks for letting me vent.

nowinsituation

Ragazza - I wish I had advice for you, because that would mean I had gotten past my anger. I have not. Our children are neutral, as they SHOULD be. I do not want them to be in the middle and feel like they need to pick sides. Other extended family is another story. My STBXAH will be involved in graduation celebration at MY family's this weekend. I can't stop wondering why he would even want to go?? My family is making extra effort to make sure he gets there and has a place to stay, thanks guys! Yet, he is estranged from all of his family except his Dad. His mother & brother live in the same community as us; but he has had no relationship with them from 20 yrs. I cared (and still care) very much about his Dad & stepmom. They have been to visit him at least twice since we split. It hurts that they have not attempted to keep a relationship open with me, and I don't think I should make the first move. It is all so confusing and painful. And, yes, it makes me angry. I pray that someday I will get past it; and I know someday I will. I just wish that day was today, or even tomorrow!!

peaceteach

Ragazza,

Patience. Your exAH's actions in the years to come may take care of these problems or not. YOU know the truth, and that needs to be enough for you now. YOU know in your heart that you could no longer live with your A and that life was meant to include so much more. The others will undoubtedly have to go through the entire enabling process with him and learn for themselves what you already know and probably spent years taking care of and hiding from them. Let them find out in their own time. I know you are bashing yourself (I remember your previous posts) about how you handled the break-up, and your exAH is taking advantage of your past actions and allowing others to blame you for the entire break-up. Let them. I believe in time, things will happen to change their treatment of you. Perhaps not the in-laws, but hopefully your daughter. Her dad has a disease that is progressive and will take him to much lower depths that he will eventually not be able to hide from others close to him. They will enable until they have had enough, like you did.

Sometimes people feel anger because inside they are blaming themselves and feeling guilt. I think you have punished yourself enough for your (small) part in this break-up. Stop focusing on those others and keep the focus on you for now. You have no idea what the next few years will bring, what damage your exAH will inflict on the others, and you are powerless over those events and over the others' feelings. Let time run its course, and just be grateful that YOU were strong enough to remove yourself from the relationship before it took YOU down any farther. Peace, sister.

FormerDoormat

It takes time to work through the emotions. This month marks the one-year anniversary of Richard's death, and I still run through the gamut of emotions whenever I think of him. Sometimes I feel anger, sadness, and other negative emotions, but more often than not those feelings are tempered with love, compassion, and understanding for someone who was suffering greatly.

It amazes me how quickly my feelings can change. They seem to change from day to day, hour to hour, and moment to moment. I think it's all part of the healing process.

These days I realize that Richard was not the cause of my misery. I was, after all, free to leave the relationship at any time.