Controlling anger/resentment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Controlling anger/resentment
I am struggling so much with controlling my angry/sarcastic attitude toward my AH. The best is he doesn't understand my attitude toward him AT ALL. He just thinks I'm a B**** and I have a problem...(Which I do..........HIM) I have tried to distance myself from him as best I can so as not to be affected by his behavior, but he makes it almost impossible. It's almost as if I am not supposed to get upset or angry at being taken advantage of. I'm tired of supporting him and not being appreciated or respected. I know I am the only one who can control the behavior I allow to be acceptable, but my anger and resentment control my words, actions in a negative way, but I can't seem to help it. He is a very negative, sarcastic person and some of the things he says to me causes an instant fire inside me and the attitude follows. He acts as if I owe him. I had separated from him only to have him back because he would have been homeless and I couldn't live with that. But since he is back ........ I OWE him (in his eyes or in his actions)
I hope I can get some advice here on the best way to handle this. I am so sick and tired of this roller coaster ride .... when he is good, all is good and vise versa ... I'm just so angry and on the verge of hateful and don't know how to handle it. My feelings always seem to get twisted and turned around to his "Well what about me" .. It's always about him and NEVER about me or the things I do for him .... I married him so I owe him .. He doesn't say these words but the actions speak louder than any words ever could.
Thank you for reading. Any advice will help.
I hope I can get some advice here on the best way to handle this. I am so sick and tired of this roller coaster ride .... when he is good, all is good and vise versa ... I'm just so angry and on the verge of hateful and don't know how to handle it. My feelings always seem to get twisted and turned around to his "Well what about me" .. It's always about him and NEVER about me or the things I do for him .... I married him so I owe him .. He doesn't say these words but the actions speak louder than any words ever could.
Thank you for reading. Any advice will help.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
There is absolutely wrong with being angry. Emotions are neither good or bad, they are just emotions. Human beings feel emotions. It's normal.
The trick is doing something healthy with any emotion. Don't beat yourself up for getting angry. That's like getting upset with yourself because you have to poop.
Allow your emotions to happen. Embrace them even.
Have you tried simply telling him when you're angry? Not blaming, just saying how you feel - you don't always have to explain why you feel the way you do.
The trick is doing something healthy with any emotion. Don't beat yourself up for getting angry. That's like getting upset with yourself because you have to poop.
Allow your emotions to happen. Embrace them even.
Have you tried simply telling him when you're angry? Not blaming, just saying how you feel - you don't always have to explain why you feel the way you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Thank you so much. To think about getting upset when mother nature calls made me realize that to get upset over soemthing you can't control is silly.
As far as telling him when I'm angry, I have tried... nicely, angrily, non-verbal, and it always turns to ........ "oh sure... you're angry with me because I'm sooooooo bad ... I've caused you sooo much problems.... I am nothing .. I've never done anything good for you, blah blah blah .... " (all this is said to me in a sarcastic way, not a caring way) So I avoid talking about my feelings if possible to avoid hearing these manipulations which cause me to feel "GUILTY" for making him feel bad.
As far as telling him when I'm angry, I have tried... nicely, angrily, non-verbal, and it always turns to ........ "oh sure... you're angry with me because I'm sooooooo bad ... I've caused you sooo much problems.... I am nothing .. I've never done anything good for you, blah blah blah .... " (all this is said to me in a sarcastic way, not a caring way) So I avoid talking about my feelings if possible to avoid hearing these manipulations which cause me to feel "GUILTY" for making him feel bad.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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never, I dont want to hijack your thread but I want to share something with you..............my husband is a Periodic crack addict..........which means hes an addict, he uses crack but he used like every 30, 60 to 90 days.............the inbetween time hes trying to get and stay clean but hes not successfull
I use to think these were relapses but they arent
anyhow he used IN TREATMENT last Friday.......something like 80 days in treatment + clean I think
So I had to go there for a meeting.............all the way there I said to myself, be calm, tell him your glad he stayed and go to the meeting dont yell dont cry dont blame or guilt him just be indifferent.....................
I get out of my car hes right there and he follows me not talking but looking the pitiful role............Finally I couldnt do it anymore I blasted him told him how selfish he was how he hurts us over and over and could care less.........blah blah blah
I walked away and into the family meeting and told them how I couldnt hold my anger and I was told..................sometimes THEY DO NEED to see and hear how much they hurt us...................but after that WE NEED to do something diffeent, we need to look at ourselves..........
there was a much longer coversation but anyhow after the meeting, hes there again.........following me out to my car and I tell him...............you know you do hurt me over and over and your are selfish but the thing is this isnt ABOUT you anymore, I have become AS SICK as you and I need to figure out what it is in me that makes me allows me to stay with a man who doesnt love himself much less me and our family
I DESERVE MORE OUR FAMILY DESERVES MORE and believe it or not YOU deserve more than what you've given ANY of us for the last 2 years
And I'm happy your stilll in treatment FOR YOU, but alll I am longer willing to do all the things I do thats keeping you and me sick, from now on all I can and will do is let you know that I love you, and I will be at the family sessions but beyond that its time for me to work on me!!!!
And ya know what I feel better than I have in years.............I got angry I felt the guilt and worry thinking oh gosh what if my words or my not "doing" anything makes him go use again...............then I finally truely felt acceptance........................NOTHING I do can stop him from using NOTHING I DO OR SAY WILL MAKE HIM USE!!!!!
And its the same of any of our addicts............we cant expect that they will "hear" us
But we dont have to fear or feel guilty for our emotions either...............it wont make them use, they use when we're doing everything we can to keep things great for them in an effort to keep them from using ................
but really truely being perfect, or angry either way they will use UNTIL they decide NOT TO
sorry so long.............HUGS
I use to think these were relapses but they arent
anyhow he used IN TREATMENT last Friday.......something like 80 days in treatment + clean I think
So I had to go there for a meeting.............all the way there I said to myself, be calm, tell him your glad he stayed and go to the meeting dont yell dont cry dont blame or guilt him just be indifferent.....................
I get out of my car hes right there and he follows me not talking but looking the pitiful role............Finally I couldnt do it anymore I blasted him told him how selfish he was how he hurts us over and over and could care less.........blah blah blah
I walked away and into the family meeting and told them how I couldnt hold my anger and I was told..................sometimes THEY DO NEED to see and hear how much they hurt us...................but after that WE NEED to do something diffeent, we need to look at ourselves..........
there was a much longer coversation but anyhow after the meeting, hes there again.........following me out to my car and I tell him...............you know you do hurt me over and over and your are selfish but the thing is this isnt ABOUT you anymore, I have become AS SICK as you and I need to figure out what it is in me that makes me allows me to stay with a man who doesnt love himself much less me and our family
I DESERVE MORE OUR FAMILY DESERVES MORE and believe it or not YOU deserve more than what you've given ANY of us for the last 2 years
And I'm happy your stilll in treatment FOR YOU, but alll I am longer willing to do all the things I do thats keeping you and me sick, from now on all I can and will do is let you know that I love you, and I will be at the family sessions but beyond that its time for me to work on me!!!!
And ya know what I feel better than I have in years.............I got angry I felt the guilt and worry thinking oh gosh what if my words or my not "doing" anything makes him go use again...............then I finally truely felt acceptance........................NOTHING I do can stop him from using NOTHING I DO OR SAY WILL MAKE HIM USE!!!!!
And its the same of any of our addicts............we cant expect that they will "hear" us
But we dont have to fear or feel guilty for our emotions either...............it wont make them use, they use when we're doing everything we can to keep things great for them in an effort to keep them from using ................
but really truely being perfect, or angry either way they will use UNTIL they decide NOT TO
sorry so long.............HUGS
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(((neverends)))
My AH is a great one for that too. I talk about MY issues/feelings, and somehow it turns around to be all about him and reassuring him I did NOT call him a piece of Sh**! Honestly! Deflection and manipulation. He knows I will feel guilty (not anymore) that I have *made* him feel bad about himself, so I drop whatever it was that was upsetting me and focus on making HIM feel better - stroking his ego, getting him special ice-cream, you name it. I stopped doing this after several years, as it just made me angry that he did this, but he still tried and it worked sometimes - at least the guilt, even if I didn't act on it. But, you know - YOU are NOT powerful enough to make him feel anything about himself.
I know low self-esteem is at the root of the addiction issue, it's buried so far, and they are so busy making everyone else work so hard to make them happy - but no one else can - not even you! is he working at it? Is he in recovery? Is he actually working at recovery?, etc...
You are working on you, and you just keep on going!
:ghug3
My AH is a great one for that too. I talk about MY issues/feelings, and somehow it turns around to be all about him and reassuring him I did NOT call him a piece of Sh**! Honestly! Deflection and manipulation. He knows I will feel guilty (not anymore) that I have *made* him feel bad about himself, so I drop whatever it was that was upsetting me and focus on making HIM feel better - stroking his ego, getting him special ice-cream, you name it. I stopped doing this after several years, as it just made me angry that he did this, but he still tried and it worked sometimes - at least the guilt, even if I didn't act on it. But, you know - YOU are NOT powerful enough to make him feel anything about himself.
I know low self-esteem is at the root of the addiction issue, it's buried so far, and they are so busy making everyone else work so hard to make them happy - but no one else can - not even you! is he working at it? Is he in recovery? Is he actually working at recovery?, etc...
You are working on you, and you just keep on going!
:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I don't mean to sound harsh here, but if your husband is this bad, why are you staying with him? And don't tell me you don't have a choice. You always have a choice. You didn't want him to be homeless...ok, but don't you see? This is how we enable people--by being SO afraid of letting them hit bottom.
What's the resentment all about? Is he forcing you to do all these things that you do for him? You may say yes, but he's really not. You're choosing to do them. You could walk away. Yes, it'd be painful, but is it any less painful than the life you're leading now??
My ex is addicted to coke and is so far in denial he can't see his nose. The last month since realizing it, I have tried compassion. I have tried anger. I have wasted my last breath trying to get him help. This forum made me see he has to do it on his own. Maybe me withdrawing and detaching will help him understand that there are big ramifications for his addiction and will spur him to get help. I hope so but I can't hang my expectations and hopes on him anymore. Nor can you on your AH. The more pressure you put on him the more he will rebel.
Have you been to any al-anon meetings?
I used to scoff at the whole concept of "codependency", but I am just starting to read Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More, and it is making a lot of sense to me. I highly recommend it to you.
Codependents are sicker than addicts-I'm convinced. Addicts don't have a choice. Codependents do.
What's the resentment all about? Is he forcing you to do all these things that you do for him? You may say yes, but he's really not. You're choosing to do them. You could walk away. Yes, it'd be painful, but is it any less painful than the life you're leading now??
My ex is addicted to coke and is so far in denial he can't see his nose. The last month since realizing it, I have tried compassion. I have tried anger. I have wasted my last breath trying to get him help. This forum made me see he has to do it on his own. Maybe me withdrawing and detaching will help him understand that there are big ramifications for his addiction and will spur him to get help. I hope so but I can't hang my expectations and hopes on him anymore. Nor can you on your AH. The more pressure you put on him the more he will rebel.
Have you been to any al-anon meetings?
I used to scoff at the whole concept of "codependency", but I am just starting to read Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More, and it is making a lot of sense to me. I highly recommend it to you.
Codependents are sicker than addicts-I'm convinced. Addicts don't have a choice. Codependents do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Sand!!!!!!!! Thank you for the harshness ... Sometimes I think just as our A need to hear that they hurt us, we need to hear some harsh realities ourselves.
I know I do have choices, the problem is I don't do what I know needs to be done for fear of hurting someone, anyone, mainly my A ... I allow him to stay with me out of pity, not to mention the twist head games he plays with me in making me feel obligated to him... I can't hear the "how can you do this to me" bs .... I did finally break free for about 4 months and honestly thought we could try to make it work, but I should have known better and actually did, but my own denial let him back in. Now I know he isn't going to leave unless I get the police or something involved and there is no physical abuse so chances are they wouldn't do anything anyway. (as far as I know from a previous experience)
I did read that book years ago and I think I need to pick up another copy and read it again and again and again. I need something to click in my head and heart to say enough is enough and do what needs to be done.
Keep coming with the harsh responses, it's like a wake-up call .. especially coming from people who KNOW ...
:ghug
I know I do have choices, the problem is I don't do what I know needs to be done for fear of hurting someone, anyone, mainly my A ... I allow him to stay with me out of pity, not to mention the twist head games he plays with me in making me feel obligated to him... I can't hear the "how can you do this to me" bs .... I did finally break free for about 4 months and honestly thought we could try to make it work, but I should have known better and actually did, but my own denial let him back in. Now I know he isn't going to leave unless I get the police or something involved and there is no physical abuse so chances are they wouldn't do anything anyway. (as far as I know from a previous experience)
I did read that book years ago and I think I need to pick up another copy and read it again and again and again. I need something to click in my head and heart to say enough is enough and do what needs to be done.
Keep coming with the harsh responses, it's like a wake-up call .. especially coming from people who KNOW ...
:ghug
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SANDRAWG
Addicts DO HAVE A CHOICE, yes it is a disease..............however There IS help if they want it ( just like there is for us) and its UP to them to use the "tools" and accept the help JUST LIKE US!!!!!!
We are not sicker than our addicts expecially our active addicts...........we're just going thru it all without the Numb of the drugs!!!!
diease or not THEY HAVE A CHOICE, like cancer patients have the choice to seek treatment and follow the instructions of their doctor addicts have the CHOICE to seek professional help, help from NA, AA and they have a CHOICE to follow the advise and instruction they are GIVEN....................when they DO NOT they are making the CHOICE to stay ACTIVE in their disease.
Addicts DO HAVE A CHOICE, yes it is a disease..............however There IS help if they want it ( just like there is for us) and its UP to them to use the "tools" and accept the help JUST LIKE US!!!!!!
We are not sicker than our addicts expecially our active addicts...........we're just going thru it all without the Numb of the drugs!!!!
diease or not THEY HAVE A CHOICE, like cancer patients have the choice to seek treatment and follow the instructions of their doctor addicts have the CHOICE to seek professional help, help from NA, AA and they have a CHOICE to follow the advise and instruction they are GIVEN....................when they DO NOT they are making the CHOICE to stay ACTIVE in their disease.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Neverends,
I am in the same place you are now. My XAH is back at my house because I could not let him homeless. He is the father of my Kids. I am now ready to let him live on the streets, I can not but up with the way it makes me feel when he is around.
So you have to set boundries and keep to them. You should also look into getting a book called letting go. You also need to start going to meeting yourself. It is your choice that you let him stay with you, and it is your choice to help yourself.
If you cannot handle him living with anymore, then it is okay for you to kick him out of your place. It is his choice if he lives on the streets or he goes and gets the treatment he needs to get better not yours.
You have not letting him hit is rock bottom, until he does he will never get the help he needs to get better.
I am in the same place you are now. My XAH is back at my house because I could not let him homeless. He is the father of my Kids. I am now ready to let him live on the streets, I can not but up with the way it makes me feel when he is around.
So you have to set boundries and keep to them. You should also look into getting a book called letting go. You also need to start going to meeting yourself. It is your choice that you let him stay with you, and it is your choice to help yourself.
If you cannot handle him living with anymore, then it is okay for you to kick him out of your place. It is his choice if he lives on the streets or he goes and gets the treatment he needs to get better not yours.
You have not letting him hit is rock bottom, until he does he will never get the help he needs to get better.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
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Never, I know your last question was for Sand , but I would like to add..................what can you do? You can get to meetings for families and you can read about codependancy ( I recommend getting them Sober, old book cheap) its about alcoholic but it applies...............It talks about all the things they do to keep us Enabling them and tells us how not to!!!
TAKE CARE OF YOU, learn about you and look out for you, honey thats about all you can do.
Best wishes
TAKE CARE OF YOU, learn about you and look out for you, honey thats about all you can do.
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
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woo, I had to do that with my AH I had to say dont come here you no longer have a home here.........after a few days he made his way to treatment...............he USED this week IN treatment and thats where i realized I needed to look at ME again...............because once IN treatment I jumped right back in there doing doing doing .................for what? he used there too
So there comes a time ( I believe) where you really really do have to say theres more to this issue than HIM, and start looking at yourself and really seeking help for yourself...........I'm still not ready to let him go, or my hearts not ready to let go of the happy ever after idea............but I am to the "hands off the addict" place which means I will do NOTHING except attend family meetings while hes in tretment, and If he leaves treatment I will file with court to get him forced back in...............and I will Love him
but I will not love him to death, and I will not enable him anymore and since helping and enabling are soooooo blurred for me I decided doing NOTHING at all for him is the only way I can be sure i'm no longer enabling..
peace and best wishes for each of you
So there comes a time ( I believe) where you really really do have to say theres more to this issue than HIM, and start looking at yourself and really seeking help for yourself...........I'm still not ready to let him go, or my hearts not ready to let go of the happy ever after idea............but I am to the "hands off the addict" place which means I will do NOTHING except attend family meetings while hes in tretment, and If he leaves treatment I will file with court to get him forced back in...............and I will Love him
but I will not love him to death, and I will not enable him anymore and since helping and enabling are soooooo blurred for me I decided doing NOTHING at all for him is the only way I can be sure i'm no longer enabling..
peace and best wishes for each of you
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
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NEVERends, yes you do have choices! You have received some EXCELLENT advice above! Really GREAT!!
As far as him being homeless..................................let me tell you I was 33 1/2 years old and my parents, yes my parents, I was already divorced, said NO MORE. If I came to the door it would be closed in my face, if I called on the phone (no caller ID back then, lol) they would hang up, and they did. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find my bottom and the last 1 1/2 years i lived on the streets of Hollyweird. By 'feeling sorry for him' and 'letting him back in' you have POSTPONED his attempts at recovery.
Try some Naranon or Alanon for YOU. There you will learn how to not only set boundaries but how to KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES. You will be reminded constantly of the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
While he is still there and he pulls this again, picture in your mind a big WHITE Duck with an Orange bill, like the ones in the AFLAC commercials. And here the QUACK QUACK QUACK of the duck, for that is what he is doing, QUACKING. It does help. Keep practicing, picturing that duck. It can make a world of difference.
Please keep posting and venting and crying, ranting, raving, screaming, and yes even laughing with us. Most of us have been where you are now, or are where you are now and we DO UNDERSTAND, and just as important WE CARE.
Love and hugs,
As far as him being homeless..................................let me tell you I was 33 1/2 years old and my parents, yes my parents, I was already divorced, said NO MORE. If I came to the door it would be closed in my face, if I called on the phone (no caller ID back then, lol) they would hang up, and they did. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find my bottom and the last 1 1/2 years i lived on the streets of Hollyweird. By 'feeling sorry for him' and 'letting him back in' you have POSTPONED his attempts at recovery.
Try some Naranon or Alanon for YOU. There you will learn how to not only set boundaries but how to KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES. You will be reminded constantly of the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
and it always turns to ........ "oh sure... you're angry with me because I'm sooooooo bad ... I've caused you sooo much problems.... I am nothing .. I've never done anything good for you, blah blah blah .... " (all this is said to me in a sarcastic way, not a caring way)
Please keep posting and venting and crying, ranting, raving, screaming, and yes even laughing with us. Most of us have been where you are now, or are where you are now and we DO UNDERSTAND, and just as important WE CARE.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
After telling my therapist about seething over a broken boundary and a war of words, he stated I was mad at myself, too, for not enforcing it. That was one of the few times he called me out on something and it was a shock. It was the end of the session so I walked away steaming.
About a mile down the road I started laughing at myself because he was right and I had no choice but to admit it. Since it was rush hour the street was a parking lot, my windows were down and a few people heard me yelling at myself "You idiot!!!"
My boundaries and expectations are for me and it's always up to me to enforce them.
About a mile down the road I started laughing at myself because he was right and I had no choice but to admit it. Since it was rush hour the street was a parking lot, my windows were down and a few people heard me yelling at myself "You idiot!!!"
My boundaries and expectations are for me and it's always up to me to enforce them.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by NEVEREnds 
He is a very negative, sarcastic person and some of the things he says to me causes an instant fire inside me and the attitude follows. He acts as if I owe him. I had separated from him only to have him back because he would have been homeless and I couldn't live with that. But since he is back ........ I OWE him (in his eyes or in his actions)
I have also found, through my experiences with my own addictions and subsequent recovery that I can truly have no idea what God has planned for an active addict in order to hit a bottom.
My 30 year old daughter has been in jail numerous times, felony drug charges (running sudafed into a meth lab), shoplifting (twice), stolen credit card/forgery, and is currently under investigation by social services for providing alcohol and prescription drugs to minors.
I made the mistake of taking her in once after a 9 month jail stay because she too was going to be 'homeless', and she broke every rule I had set in place. In 30 days she was out the door, I changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her.
She's a very resourceful addict, and is never homeless for more than 24 hours.
The addict will quit when the pain of using becomes too great.
Every time I tried to 'help', I took away my daughter's bottom.
I sleep well at nights now knowing I have gotten out of the way of God's plans for her, and I have a right to live in a drug and alcohol free home. My life is filled with blessings and goodness in spite of the fact she chooses to continue using.
I don't owe her anything except loving her in my heart, which I always will.
Since you let him come back home, he has no incentive to get clean. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
In short, his addiction has a headlock on you.
Been there, done that, and don't care to get another t-shirt for my wardrobe!
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Originally Posted by liesagain
diease or not THEY HAVE A CHOICE, like cancer patients have the choice to seek treatment and follow the instructions of their doctor addicts have the CHOICE to seek professional help, help from NA, AA and they have a CHOICE to follow the advise and instruction they are GIVEN....................when they DO NOT they are making the CHOICE to stay ACTIVE in their disease.
I wasn't thinking about that.
My thought was just that, for an addict, the problem is biological-we codependents have a situational problem. Codependents and addicts are both powerless; but codependents choose to give up their power. We keep getting ourselves in situations where we give up our power, for whatever reason...not wanting to look at our own issues; our family history; socialization-the reasons could be many.
Sorry, I didn't clarify.
Neverends-I feel for you. I really do. My sister was in a 15 yr long marriage with an alcoholic. OMG. She went through SO much. The marriage ended when he put a knife to his arms and tried to kill himself right there in front of her.
That's how bad it had to get to spur her to leave.
Now she is 56, alone, and left wondering what the h*** happened.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Originally Posted by anvilhead
ya know there is something wonderful to be said about DISTANCE..........
If they always have our voices in their heads..do THIS...do THAT...what about my needs? yada yada yada...it never gives them time to think. When we're always in their face, or lecturing them about whatever, they can't hear what we're saying.
I sent my ex so many emails...they all ranged from compassionate (if you could only admit you need help, I would help you) to just outright anger (I'm not stupid-I know you've been using all this time; how could you choose coke over me) etc. He couldn't even read them anymore. He just replied to me that they're all full of "BS".
Well now, I'm gone, no contact. So he has plenty of time to think. I'm hoping some of what I said may sink in. Who knows?
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
Your house sounds very much like mine was before AW went to treatment. I had trouble contilling my anger/sarcasm. It made things worse, but where i was then, I wasn't going to get any better. I struggled with kicking her out, and the homeless thing. Her family was done with her, so she'd be on the street or with one of her addict ex's (worse than the street)
Fortunatly she chose rehab. But either way, she wasn't staying here, it was a very unhealthy place for all of us, especially the kids.
I felt that a home is a safe comfortable place. We had a house, but were homeless. In that situation, I finally decided it was time for my kids to stop being homeless in thier own house. Even if that meant mom being homeless somewhere else.
The distance has been a blessing for all of us in so many ways. Stability and sanity back in the home, and eventually the ability to communicate better.
Faced with being on the street, she looked a lot closer at how far down she had really gotten, and started wanting to crawl back out of that hole.
Anyway, think about who is really homeless now. Take care of you.
Fortunatly she chose rehab. But either way, she wasn't staying here, it was a very unhealthy place for all of us, especially the kids.
I felt that a home is a safe comfortable place. We had a house, but were homeless. In that situation, I finally decided it was time for my kids to stop being homeless in thier own house. Even if that meant mom being homeless somewhere else.
The distance has been a blessing for all of us in so many ways. Stability and sanity back in the home, and eventually the ability to communicate better.
Faced with being on the street, she looked a lot closer at how far down she had really gotten, and started wanting to crawl back out of that hole.
Anyway, think about who is really homeless now. Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Originally Posted by anvilhead
now see sandra, that is STILL attempting to manipulate THEM....if i move to a safe distance i DO SO FOR ME. not to teach some one a lesson, not to give THEM time to think...they've had their entire lives........we are no longer putting them on time-outs like small children, we are simply redirecting the focus on our OWN LIVES........where the actions i take are about what is in my own best interest, not a game of chess where i have to calculate YOUR every move
I couldn't detach tho-kept having to email him, IM him, text him-whatever. It's pointless.
I'm saying one side effect of me finally letting go of all that is that he's left alone in the silence with plenty of time to think, without me harrassing him.
I mean, come on-we may be codependents but we're not robots. It's impossible to not think about them and hope that they come to some healthy conclusion on their own.
I'm not in his life anymore and not involving myself in his disease. That doesn't mean that a day will go by where I don't think of him, love him, and hope and wish for the best for him.
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