splendra

Last night I was doing some work on the computer and my H said. "the refrigerator door is open" and I jumped up and went to close it. I was asking myself on the way to close it, why am I doing this? The thought occurred to me that many many times my H has said something about something needing to be done and I just automatically jump and do it.

I think this is one of my codie behaviors. I do this not only with my H but with other people too. I think I assume too much responsibility for others. People who don't expect me to jump and do something don't usually saying anything to me about what needs to be done.

I sure this behavior stems from my childhood conditioning. I am sure and I need to be aware of others who might be manipulating me in order to not take responsibility for themselves. Today I am going to take responsibility for what is mine and leave to others to do or, not do what is theirs.

Please share your thoughts on this...

katie44

Its amazing once we come to this site, not only do we learn about addiction we learn so much about ourselves and how we contribute to others behaviours. Daily I remind my self if other people can do it there selves, then they need to take the responsibility. Last night I had my shoes and coat on, my daughter is visiting for 3 weeks her and I were on our way out for dinner. My spouse says " before you leave can you make me something to eat"? My answer was no. It really irritated me, such a trivial request, but it played on my mind for some time. I thought I too worked all day, I would like to spend some mother and daughter time together, and I had just finished telling him I was tired. Here he is sitting in a chair requesting food like some type of a king! I used to automatically do things for everyone. Not any more, all part of the recovery process.

NEVEREnds

Not sure I can offer any words here since I am the same automatic fool for anyone and everyone. Sometimes I get pleasure out of being a people pleaser but at other times I get so frustrated for not being able to say "NO!!!!!!!" ... No matter how hard I try to focus on ME, I always find myself doing, doing, doing .... How does this stop??

BayAreaPhoenix

What I want to know, is why are we figuring out why you got up and closed the fridge, and H didn't just close it when he saw it?

I know - rhetorical.

I saw this in myself long ago, and I have for the most part stopped this particular behavior (one down, a gazillion to go). But, if someone comes to me and says something like - the front door is open, or the dog needs to be let in, or the paper's out front, or whatever the silly case may be - I actually have an auto response of, did you close it? Did you let him in? Did you bring the paper in? If the answer is no, I ask why not?

I realize what you're saying goes past the little things, but these little things are a good place to start, and I thank you for the reminder!

No more closing refrigerators!!!

Rella927

Splendra awesome post-

I still find today this old codie behavior kicking in! What is so wonderful is that I'am more aware of it today (Still need more work on not doing things for others! but, getting there)

I use to do this A LOT with my best friend of 27 years! She would need something and I would run! Never said NO! Adjusted my life to suit her's! I knew how she would react if I said NO and I was afraid of loosing her! Today I say NO to her and I only will do things if I can do them-I will not change my life or cancel things for her any longer!

With the little things such as closing the fridge door (which can actually be a huge thing)-that is a tuff one-I would probably have jumped up and closed it too- Although I probably would have made a comment first and said "Is it so difficult for you to shut it" (I'am working on the comments! Tuff stuff recovery "Progress not perfection")

Cupicake

Yes...I used to do the same thing. Every now and again I don't mind being the do'er but when it's not reciprocated..I stop. There are times I don't realize that I'm "doing" but when I catch myself my tune changes.

Now exah calls my behavior "Mean and Angry"...LOL! I simply won't be the do'er and he's not used to it.

Lovestoomuch

I think this is where I'm different. In all my codependency and even at it's worse. My first thought was "So....close the damn thing." I've just always had this thing about laziness.

jehnifer

Hey - Another automatic fool here! Thanks for the awakening with your post about the refrigerator door. I can soooo identify! There is this internal pull to jump, I confess. We have conditioned them by our willingness to do it in the first place. And wow how much simpler my life can become when I choose to not jump. Today when I get home I will do my very best to NOT be the automatic fool. One day at a time...

laurie6781

Yep, here too. However, I first became aware of it during my first marriage. My Air Force husband came home on a 30 day R & R (during Viet Nam) and one of the first things out of his mouth was "there's finger prints on the kitchen cabinets." I freaked out, looked him dead in the eye and said "well, if you don't like it, clean them." I had four kids, and, of course, there were fingerprints on the cabinets, sheesh.

After that outburst, it got easier. Used quips like "so what are you going to do about it?" "Well, fix it." etc

However, that didn't stop me from being codie in so many other ways. It takes time and practice on each 'old conditioned habit' of practicing a 'new habit' to erase the old one.

Maybe next time, you'll stop and think for just a moment and tell him to do it himself.

I hope so.

Thanks for this thread, excellent topic!!!!!

Love and hugs,

best

Yesterday my son's girlfriend was here and asked him if he would go to the store. She was going to cook dinner, he was in the yard playing ball with a buddy. He replied... Don't you want to go? You know what you want.
Her reply had me laughing and I thought it was priceless...

If I wanted to go, I would have said this..." I want to go to the store. I am going to the store now."

splendra

Well I guess I feel it takes more energy to say something than it does to just do it. Not to mention the rhetoric that will follow.

I will pay closer attention from now on and instead I think I just won't do it and not say anything unless they say it again then I will say, do it yourself...

cece1960

Well I can honestly say I've grown some, but have much more to do.

A few years ago I would have simply closed the door assuming it was probably easier for me than them. I still would have thought this if I had the dog on a leash, grocery bags in hand and a phone in the ear.

Last year I would have closed the door HARD and thrown in a good insult in the process.

This year I probably would not get up, but I would resent them even mentioning it.

Progress not perfection, right?

best

When you start out to train a puppy, you put out a lot of effort now but save yourself tons of effort that would be used in the future. Unless you like cleaning up puppy poop *LOL*

MsPINKAcres

maybe I'm still recovering and I know that I am very NON confrontational.

I don't like to say the "do something about it or You close it, or what do you want me to do about it"

That still is too uncomfortable for me.

BUT what I can do is NOT pick up the rope for the tug of war or down play the arguement - I tend to do more non-agressive (maybe some would say a little passive agressive- I don't know but it works for me)

I stay calm and would simply say "Hmm I hadn't noticed" or "oh really, wonder how that happened?" and then just continue whatever I was doing.

It has taken me a while to "Don't do something, just sit there"
but it does feel nice to accomplish that task.

Jody Hepler

This may be too simplistic - but I was taught, if it isn't a question, it doesn't need an answer. Say nothing. I had to learn to tolerate the silence.

And some answers I use to "dumb questions" or "confrontational" ones:

Ohhhhhhhhhhh
I'm sorry you feel that way
You may be right

It's like training a puppy - and I'm the puppy! I needed to practice doing things differently.

Works for me - at home and at work.

Love in recovery,
Jody

ihatethis

I'm sorry, but that made me laugh so hard. I have done that more times than I could ever count. And I remember being annoyed with people around me... If I can see this person is indirectly asking for something, why can't they? Why do I have to do it? I never did have to do it and neither did they. I don't know why on earth I made it my problem, but I couldn't have been more than 8 the first time I got super pissed cause others didn't seem to notice... I remember my mom giving me specific instruction... "Sometimes people don't feel comfortable asking for things, so you need to anticipate the need..." Honest to god that's what she said verbatim. She meant well and she is a wonderful woman, but to this day I have to focus on not doing what I know someone wants to be done. I still see the flag, most days I white knuckle it and don't do anything... then some days..... :-) Sadly many are trained that codie behaviour is just being a good woman.

peaceteach

My little brother once told me what his response to this type of thing is, when you don't want to answer right away because you need time to think about it or because you are afraid you will say the wrong thing and regret it, or simply because you don't want to participate in that conversation:

"Well, now that's something to think about."

Ann

Oh, I love that, Jody, and am engraving it on my brain.

I too used to hop up and do whatever needed doing, and I'm married to a great man who is neither A nor codie, but never thought much about saying things like that because when he grew up that's how it was (I've been married 1000 years, but they never entirely lose their upbringing).

I never noticed that I did this until recovery, then I stopped. I didn't have to say anything, I'd just wait a minute and he'd get up and do it. You see, it was all about ME and my codependency people pleasing all along. Now days we just share stuff like that...closest person gets it.

Great thread, Splendra. And good reminder too.

Hugs

painter

If most of us are codies, then most of the men in our lives have been conditioned to play to our addictions. My H brought his dirty clothes basket into the kitchen, dropped onto the floor and asked if I could wash them. I looked up and said "if you step six inches to the right you could put them in the machine. Then he asked where to set the dial. I laughed right out loud, told him that the washing machine was his long before we met. How did he do the laundry before I took over. I think it was a wake up moment for both of us.

outtolunch

I swear this has saved my sanity.

"Oh" is the perfect response to so many situations. Try it. It just might work for you, too.