Chino

I've been seeing an addiction therapist since Feb. 1 and signed up here a couple of weeks later. From then to now, I have clawed and fought my way towards detachment and recovery.

I discovered my daughter was an addict last June and up until this past February I was crazy out of my mind. I read the cell phone thread a few minutes ago and that was me and my daughter, even after she entered the recovery phase.

Today I saw my therapist and told him I had picked apart my brain over the last three days, figuring out what to talk about today. I finally found one last issue (unrelated to my daughter) where I could use some feedback and received affirmation, validation from him.

I had noticed the last couple of visits that when we'd wrap it up, he'd ask if I wanted to schedule or just call if I felt the need. Today I told him I'd call if I need him and he said he was fine with that, he was going nowhere and he thought I was doing fine.

It was a great feeling to tell him that for the first time in my life, I am comfortable in my own skin. I still have issues in my world - who doesn't? - but I'm finally in control of my responses and reactions towards them.

It took a lot to get to this place. Birth, death, sickness, addiction, trauma... everything and anything that can happen in a life. It also took SR and everyone here. I have read so many stories in the different forums and learned from them all.

When I've cried over the pain of an addict withdrawing and relapsing, it taught me I can't do anything for them except to pray. When I've cried over the death of someone's child or loved one, it taught me compassion and grace. When I've cried over someone's joy or milestone, it taught me hope and courage.

These were all things I had forgotten or lost while mired deep in my own muck, and it goes way back before addiction. Over the course of the last few months, I've developed better and deeper friendships with people I usually shut out in my 'previous' life. I always kept people at arms length.

I finally feel whole. I'm flawed, but I'm perfectly whole again. You know who I have to thank for that more than anyone else? My daughter. She unwittingly forced me to face every bit of ugliness inside myself and become the woman I was meant to be.

Now I just have to hold on tight to myself, not let go. I fought long and hard to find myself and I'll be damned if I give me away again

Spiritual Seeker

Chino,
I feel the same as you -That it took my child's addiction as the force that caused me
to seek a different way to live my own life. I guess it is true, there is always a silver lining.
You shine in your personal recovery.
I keep the faith that Our kids will get there to as they are able.

itisatruth

Thank you so much for sharing how much you have grown. I think its a testament to the human spirit that we can endure difficult things and yet somehow find our way back to a "better place". Its awesome to hear that you have come so far. Sometimes when I read posts by members, both old and new, I find myself "feeling their pain" of dealing with addiction. Sometimes I get depressed thinking of all the hurt addiction causes in our lives.

Then a post like yours comes along---a reminder that things can get better, that we can overcome the pain, we can learn to love others without sacrificing ourselves in the process, we can detach with love, we can set boundaries for our own sanity and well being, we can feel whole again, as you said. We can....we can.... WE CAN!

Thank you, I am going to add your post to my gratitude list tonight.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Chino)))

I have to agree! This journey I've been on, I wouldn't have chosen it, but there is no way I would change it!

In my life, each time I have had to face difficulty, many many blessings have come forth, I know that this is another one of those times. The greater the difficulties it seems the greater the blessings!

You sound so good, happy, healthy - and totally the perfect you! Thank you for sharing!

Chino

When I first came here and allowed myself to feel others pain it was really scary for me. When I was a kid, empathy was a natural response but as I got older I shoved it away. Because somewhere in my life it meant taking responsibility, or so I thought. I felt like I had to do something about it. Fix it.

This community taught me I literally can't do that -- we are in cyberspace and all we can do is share. So I started putting some figurative cyberspace between me and my daughter.

I would go to my therapy sessions and share the things I learned here with my therapist. Sometimes he added a thought, most times he didn't.

My growth isn't done. I'm like a painter with a canvas, a brush, a palette of colors and a vision. When I make a mistake with a brush I have the tools to correct it