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Here I go thinking again

Old 05-07-2008, 02:05 AM
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Here I go thinking again

So I was thinking all night.
That saying that goes "All you have to do is NOT pick up."
It is the most simplest, truest..yet easier said than done thing in the world.
It is so true!
Just dont pick up!
Sounds easy enough.
So why isnt it?
Especially when ..someone like me doesnt have any reason to.
For example. I never get high because life sucks. Or something is wrong.
I am just bored.....I have money, so why not. And I like the high.
But yet I know what is to follow after I do pick up. It is going to be one big mind F*** and an endless chaotic chase for misery.
HMM..Sounds fun doesnt it.
It never is. So why when I know the outcome. And nothing is wrong with me. Is it so hard to NOT pick up?
And when I do try to fight it. It seems like the thought dont pass. They become obsessive?
Sometimes...Not all the time. Most of the time. When I do any and everything in my power to distract myself. It seems it gets worse instead of better and pass?
I mean.. Just dont go and pick up. Its like the more I try not to. The more sick I feel and want to.
I hate it.
Any thoughts?
Tomorrow is payday. I already know I am NOT going to pick up. I am down to the wire on my car insurance. I also have made sure my day is filled doing somehting with my family through out the day. So I have already sabotaged myself.
But I know it is going to cross my mind. Once my money is gone on paying my insurance and I have to go grocery shopping and give the grams money. Plus Bday cards and stuff liek that. I am going to be broke anyway. I cant get rid of the money fast enough. Then I will most definately feel better. Than I know there is no possibility.
Money sucks. My one and only trigger.
If I could survive being broke the rest of my life I would be cured.
But it doesnt wotk that way.
Well at least I know tomorrow will be one payday I wont be getting high.
And what a relief it is.
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Old 05-07-2008, 05:02 AM
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Trish maybe taking the focus off of you and putting your focus on others would help with the boredom and obsession, I know for me doing for others, helping others and reaching out to other people helps me stay out of my head and focused on others.

This is one of the reasons meetings and phone calls help, we go from "I" to "We", and "We" do not use or drink, but "I" may use or drink.
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
Money sucks. My one and only trigger.
If I could survive being broke the rest of my life I would be cured.
Yeah money is a huge trigger, however,.....

It still wouldn't be a cure being broke....

I have a lot of my dealers that would love to give Vic free stuff...

Oh yeah they would do anything and everything to get Vic started again...but it isn't on them it is on me.

Money, friends, jobs, no jobs, emotions, deaths, wife, no wife, etc

We can stay clean no matter what. It isn't easy! If it was so easy Trish there would be a heck of a lot more people in recovery than not.

I know a lot of people say it does get easier, maybe so...but that hasn't been my experience. My experience is the more that I have relapsed the harder it is for me to get any amount of time under my belt (so to speak) and it is all that much harder to keep it under my belt.

I will be celebrating 2 years on the 25th of this month....

If I am lucky enough......

but those days don't matter what matters is what am I going to do today to stay clean....

Well today, I am going to remind myself, that I would rather live than to die...

Blessings to ya and hope we both stay clean today.....
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Old 05-07-2008, 07:42 AM
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Trish, there is nothing wrong with thinking.

Know that the obsessive thoughts, that are part of addiction, will go away as time goes by. You just need to stay sober and be patient, and over time, the thoughts will lessen.

I agree with Taz to take the focus off yourself. It's good to think about your situation, but with obsessive thoughts, the best thing is to do something for someone else.
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Old 05-07-2008, 08:03 AM
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I was a speaker type convention once. Afterwards I went and asked them why I used only when bored, not cuz my life was a mess and they told me that I needed to get out and help someone.

right now I am helping a blind lady from my church, I am attending meetings, and I am reaching out to newcomers.

I think what helps me is getting outside of myself and giving to others. It makes me excited, it makes me feel worthwhile and it keeps me busy.

just a thought.... blessings, Sheila
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Old 05-07-2008, 08:10 AM
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My sponsee has told me numerous times that service work has been a tremendous help in his sobriety.
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:10 PM
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First of all Chi, I want to welcome you back again! I'm glad to see you back on here, posting questions, making the rest of us think about our own situations, and most importantly, it is good to see you working towards recovery again!

So you were saying that you don't get high b/c your life is going bad or b/c you are depressed, which are a lot of the excuses that most of us use. Hearing you say that made me wonder something about you: Is it possible that you use or obsess over thinking about using b/c you are a "thrill-seeker"? I may be totally off course, but it got me to thinking about myself as well. What you are doing as far as going about obtaining your DOC is illegal, and sometimes people who are thrill-seekers get a big jolt of adrenaline knowing they got away with something that is potentially dangerous as well as getting away with something big enough to put you in jail.

Now, personally, I've never bought off the streets, but I have done illegal things. I know I used to get such a thrill from stealing my mom's pain pills b/c I could do it practically right under her nose and not get caught. I know it is rather sick of me to do, but such is the mind of an addict. The same thought applies to what I have done as far as obtaining prescriptions. I would get this big surge of euphoria just knowing that I got away with it. However, since I've been on this path to sobriety and am very serious about it this time, I no longer get any of those feelings. For example, I slipped up last week and got into my mom's purse and stole some pain pills. Initially, there was a little excitement over doing it and I couldn't wait to take them. However, when I did take the pills, I had absolutely no good feelings about it at all. I felt extreme guilt, displeasure with my actions, and basically like scum of the earth.

So, I'm thinking that may be a big part of addiction as well: The feeling of being able to get away with something that is morally/ethically WRONG!!! I actually feel fortunate that the thrill is gone and replaced with guilt. I look at it as a positive thing, like I've made a step in the right direction for once. Maybe you can get something similar out of this Trish. I don't know for sure, but I can see some similarities in the reasons we want to use. I know, however, I also have a lot of other, deeper, painful reasons for using, and those are the things I'm trying to work through with therapy.

I know I've rambled on long enough--I tend to get a little wordy when I find an issue that really touches me like your's does Trish. I just want to add that I agree with what the others on here have said about doing volunteer work to make you feel like you are doing something good. It is something I'm going to get involved in myself one of these days!

I commend you for getting back on track with your sobriety as well as your ability to be so honest and forthright about matters that some people prefer to hide behind than reveal. Keep up the great work and the positive attitude! We're going to make it this time around girl! Take care and God bless you sweetie!!!

Love,

butterfly19 (aka "SP")


:ghug2
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
Trish maybe taking the focus off of you and putting your focus on others would help with the boredom and obsession, I know for me doing for others, helping others and reaching out to other people helps me stay out of my head and focused on others.

This is one of the reasons meetings and phone calls help, we go from "I" to "We", and "We" do not use or drink, but "I" may use or drink.
If left to my own devices for very long, I literally think myself in circles.

Today I worked with a new sponsee on a written first step, called my sponsor, and made out a gratitude list.

I have to give away what has been so freely given to me
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Old 05-10-2008, 06:16 PM
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I am just bored.....
Boredom is just the reverse side of fascination: both depend on being outside rather than inside a situation, and one leads to the other...

miss chiy, if ya ant bored, have some money, think of where you can go with it!

the addendum is a problem
I like the high.
when were high, we aint go'n nowhare... fast!

i was a thrill seeker too!

from birth!

good wishes miss chy

xxoo

rz
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Old 05-10-2008, 08:42 PM
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I think you're thinking too hard.
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Old 05-10-2008, 08:58 PM
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Well Butter..I can probably say I am a thrill seeker. But not in the sense your talking about. Doing illegal things doesnt give me a rush. I think the excitement and the atmosphere are what I am also addicted to. The whole lifestyle. Personally..aside from buying and posessing the drug being illegal. I try hard not to do much else outside the law anymore.
But I lived a fast, insane, dangerous lifestyle in the streets for alot of years and that lifestyle can be just as addicting.
I dont get a thrill evr from hurting my grams or taking from her. I never did. It really messed with my high if I ever took something from her or anyone else.

Pinkuda..Yea I may be thinking too hard..But not thinking at all is why I am always finding myself starting over alot.
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Old 05-11-2008, 05:01 AM
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(((Trish)))

I totally understand about being addicted to the lifestyle. It takes time to be comfortable without the drama that goes with using crack, but it does happen.

I'm even thinking about going back to school because I've always craved challenges, and right now, since my life is pretty calm and work is okay, I think it's something I want to do. There are things I want to do, and waiting tables is not going to get me there. I still plan on getting my nursing license back, but it looks like it's going to be a while.

I also agree with doing something for others. It's great if it is another recovering addict, but it doesn't have to be. There are all kinds of ways to help others and get your mind in a better place.

I'm really glad you're back to posting more often.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-15-2008, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Pinkcuda View Post
I think you're thinking too hard.
I just read Dougs thread on motivation and dint want to hijack his thread. SO I am bumping mine.
Because GP's (glass Prisoner) response to Doug brought pinkcuda's response to mine to light.
Like a big smack to the forehead.
Again..Like I said..It is so simple sometimes.

GP"s response was When he over anylyzed he drank more.

Makes total sense to me. As always GP has that touch to get the point across in so little words. I miss him being around so much.

Anyway..When I first found recovery last year. It was so over whelming and confusing.
Nothing made sense. That mixed with I know a better way attitude. Made for disaster.
I think back now and see that me trying to make complete sense out of every little thing just made it more complicated and frustrating. Then which alot of times led me to say forget this. And go get high just from pure aggravation of trying to make sense of it all.
Very slowly I started to listen to what people were saying. Not just hear them. But listen! There's a difference.
Take away the hardheaded , I know more than you attitude and you got a formula at a chance.

I guess what I am saying is. Thinking too hard sometimes is probably the worst thing you can do.
Definately overanylyzing is definately not going to do anything except drive you crazy.
Keep it simple...Oh..Thats what that means.
I guess this also proves..I catch on pretty slow.
Thats Ok.. I do eventually.
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Old 05-15-2008, 06:47 PM
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(((Trish)))

I can totally understand about catching on slow to the "keep it simple". I still forget, sometimes.

A couple weeks ago, I had a situation come up over a lot of unpaid tickets I haven't taken care of in the town I used to live (and use) in. The newspaper said they were locking people up. I panicked. I e-mail a good friend from here, sent her an "oh sh!t" e-mail, and her first response was "breathe....it's not like they're knocking on your door".

Wow...she was right. I took a few deep breaths, did a little more research, talked to my lawyer and a few other friends and figured out what to do. The tickets were a lot less than what I thought, though $1600 is still a lot. But because of my friend reminding me to BREATHE and stop thinking about the worst-case scenario, I am going to be able to pay off the tickets. I'll be broke for a while, but this is one more consequence being resolved.

We still have to think sometimes, but I need reminders to think about stuff realistically...not jumping ahead of myself. The good thing is, with 14 months of recovery under my belt, using wasn't an option or even a thought. THAT is worth it's weight in gold!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-15-2008, 06:56 PM
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So I was thinking all night.
I go Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz @ nite
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Old 05-15-2008, 07:30 PM
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Listen I'm going to give it to you Raw, you said that if you know
the outcome and chaos and misery of it Why? do you feel like using
simple, we are sick individuals with only one thing on our
mind, to use Why?this disease is cunning,Baffling,& headiest

it will sneak up on you when you least speck it and it is always going to be there waiting for any giving moment to attack

some one told me that its star it out like a little monkey
in a cage but the more we feted the bigger it gets
when you chose to get hide is like waking up the gorilla
is not a monkey no more is progressive and rapid

those toughs you battle with at night specially when you
know it's pay day right around the corner is call obsession
but this too should pass How Its going to pass
by arresting it you have to make meetings this is your life
we are talking about this disease is not playing
we can't do this on our own.
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Old 05-16-2008, 03:48 AM
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miss trish...

dopey slogan time again on SR

"utilize, Not Analyze"
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