aztchr

Just when I really let myself grieve this weekend and pull myself back together, he called Monday night. I didn't look at the caller ID first as I was waiting for a call from my mom and thought it was her. I just answered.

I really was shocked it was him since we haven't spoken in almost a year.
Made idle chit chat and then he asked what I was doing this Saturday. Did I want to get together. I told him I didn't know, it was going to be a busy week. He said he'll call back on Thursday to see what's going on.

I don't know what to do, yet. He might not even call back on Thursday. I've accepted the disease and know I can't change anything. He's still drinking. I can't live together with an active alcoholic, but maybe I can try again with contact now that I have some recovery time. I can set boundaries for myself and continue to live my life. Am I rationalizing too much?

I appreciate any thoughts or experiences with seeing an ex again.

Spiritual Seeker

Who is this guy and what is your history?

aztchr

Oh sorry! Forgot to add a few details for those who don't know the history.

My exabf is who called. We were together for 5 years, bought and sold a house. Been apart for almost 2 now. I had tried to keep in touch early on, but finally gave up after many unanswered calls.

Out of the blue he called Monday night.

itisatruth

azteacher, whatever you do stay true to what you have learned in your recovery. As I read your post, I sensed a lot of doubt. Maybe your "instincts" are trying to tell you that you aren't totally ready for this step. Just my opinion......not trying to sway you, just giving you ideas to consider

Take care.

Spiritual Seeker

It appears that you still have feelings for him and hope that there could be
some sort of connection ?

aztchr

I had hoped if he ever did call the situation would be different, but it's not.
Playing the whole tape thru...
I know his intentions and they really aren't in my best interest.
I guess the whole thing still makes me sad.

Barbara52

It is indeed sad that he is still where he was when you left 2 years ago.

Ask yourself what you would get out of seeing him. Something positive to help you? Or more pain from having old wounds reopened?

Rella927

I have to agree with Barb on this one-

I know that my XABF did the same thing after about 8 months with no contact. I felt as you feel now, however I asked myself if I really wanted the drama again seeing as he was not working any kind of program?

to you!

Loreena

Boy, you sound like me. I have a built in "forgetter", I did the same thing -thought it okay for contact then I thought if I took him back things would be different because I understood...after 3 years, same stuff - different day. I'd put this to a vote at my friendly honest neighborhood Alanon Support group, they'd give you the reality on that question! Ask people who love you and tell them to be honest with you, that is what i did, except I ended up doing once again what was wrong for me and I regret it. I had a terrible long painful lesson to re-learn. sorry if this sounded harsh. remember the manipulation, remember all the reasons you left and haven't had contact, remember, deep down, remember.

l

lexusgirl

If he hasn't stopped drinking and nothing has changed, why would you think it would be different this time around? I guess you mentioned because you are a year into recovery? To me, I wouldn't risk all of my serenity and the work you put into your own recovery for him.

Play the tape all the way through!!

Hugs

figure

My ex called me after 1 1/2 years with very little contact and not seeing each other at all. I thought things would be different to. When we saw each oher, communication was better bc he wasnt trying to hide things from me like before. We have kept in touch. I saw him in March and in April and now I can't get in touch with him again. his phone is off......I dont want to go through hell again but I def feel it starting back up. I was doing well in ecovery and now i have relapsed and all these unwanted feelings are surfacing again. It's my fault. I shouldn't have gone back.

FormerDoormat

Imagine an alcoholic who's been in recovery for two years rationalizing to himself that after two years he has enough recovery under his belt to handle things better as he cracks open a beer.

Is this person playing with fire and teetering on the brink of a relapse? You bet.

Now imagine his co-dependent partner who's also been recovery for two years rationalizing to herself that after two years she has enough recovery under her belt to handle things better as she prepares to meet him for dinner.

Is this person playing with fire and teetering on the brink of a relapse? You bet.

See the parallel here? See how fragile recovery is? See how important it is to safeguard it and work a program every day?

aztchr

I still am upset at the way I handled things. I didn't know how to detach before.
I tried to manipulate, control, and give ultimatums that ultimately backfired. I still regret the choices I made and how I acted.

Maybe this is my chance to try again and do things for myself differently than before.
Maybe he called and was sent back to me to finally allow myself to heal and forgive myself for my past actions.

and then again....maybe it isn't.

I hate having to make choices without knowing the outcome and I hate having to live with the feeling of making a bad choice. I'm spinning too much on this one. Going to go sleep on it again.

Thanks for the comments! I do read and reflect on them all!

Lilyflower

We make decisions everyday without knowing what the outcome will be, so subtle we probably don't realise them. from big things like buying a house, how do we know if the house will be a good asset and make us a profit or if we will end up in negitave equity? To little things like getting out of bed at 8am. How can we be sure that if we get up at 8 we may or may not be involved in an accident?

That may sound pedantic but the jist is that we can never know how things will map out. There are no 'bad choices' as you describe them, only incidences to gain knowledge and experience from.

If you feel you need closure, then meet with him. I am sure that within a short time you will know if it is a healthy experience or not. Sometimes, I need to face situations again to convince myself that I am doing what is best and solidify my commitment to my recovery.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jazzman

Hey teach! Long time no type
I know how you feel. I tried to casually date M if and ONLY if she were sober. Not sure if you remember but it was about a year ago. She didn't last but a few weeks and it was over as quick as it started. I didn't expect it to last TBH and I wasn't surprised in the least that she relapsed. But truth be told in hindsight I relapsed too. Two good things happened because of it. One, it was so brief I wasn't really hurt, and two, it cleared up once and for all a question in my mind that there was NO going back. It actually resulted in closure for me.

Please take care and don't get hurt. Another drive by post from an old friend