the "firstie"
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 2
the "firstie"
Hello all --
This is my first post, and I'm I suppose I'm a bit like the rest of the "first timers" on here…know a bit, but not quite sure what to do. I have an alcoholic boyfriend who was in the program for a year, which is when I met him. We started off our first three months with him sober. However, he turned 21 in January and a couple of weeks later, decided to start drinking. At first, he was very honest with his drinking; now, not so much. It started when I got on him for drinking five hard-a drinks with some co-workers. He asked me for a ride home because he did not think that he was sober enough to drink home. While I am glad about this, he refusing to say that he was “drunk,” or furthermore, had drank too much. He told me recently that he had had the equivalence of around a 6-pack every night during Spring Break, and has gone downhill from there…I suppose in the sense of his life “outside” of drinking. What used to be honesty has become secretive, what has become reliance has become flakiness. He goes on and off with these drinking “binges,” (call them what you may,) but thinks that he has it for the most part, under control because he hasn’t blacked out or thrown up at all. He also defends that he has been faithful to me, in that he hasn’t touched another girl, and the whole shebang. I will be heading across the country for school this coming fall, and know that a long-distance relationship is hard – even when everything is all right within a relationship. A couple of weeks ago he wanted to stop drinking for a month; today I learned that he has gotten drunk a couple of times, lasting only six days.
The tricky/interesting part about the whole situation is that he knows that what he is doing isn’t necessarily the best thing for him. I know that personally, I cannot do anything about his drinking. The other day I gave him what he called an “ultimatum” –
if he was to pursue becoming an active alcoholic, I would not want to pursue a relationship with him, in that this is the boundary I set for myself. I do not want to be dating someone flaky or dishonest – someone who is going to hurt me in ways that he may or may not understand. In response, he told me that he cannot promise me anything, and does not like me checking up on him “like a mom.”
So I suppose that through all of this mess, I’m not quite sure what to do at this point. I’ve done a bit of perusing, (via good old google,) and have seen that I’m supposedly screwed as far as this relationship. I’m actually cynical by nature, but forever reason, I want to know that this relationship can somehow work, if both of us really want to. Maybe I’m just looking for a good word or two, but I do want honesty. How, and when, (if any hope at all,) can this change for “the better”? I don’t expect everything to be hunky-dory all the time – every relationship has it’s ups and downs, it’s just like life. But what I want to know is where the man I met and first started dating went. I know that I am, by no means perfect – no one is. But the fact that he has started drinking has slowly made me lose faith in him as a person, friend and significant other. I’m tired of learning things long after they are done, and don’t even want to “mom” him. Maybe because I’m new to alcoholism, I don’t “get it.” I don’t understand this odd rollercoaster. If you have any thoughts, it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for stopping by and reading!
This is my first post, and I'm I suppose I'm a bit like the rest of the "first timers" on here…know a bit, but not quite sure what to do. I have an alcoholic boyfriend who was in the program for a year, which is when I met him. We started off our first three months with him sober. However, he turned 21 in January and a couple of weeks later, decided to start drinking. At first, he was very honest with his drinking; now, not so much. It started when I got on him for drinking five hard-a drinks with some co-workers. He asked me for a ride home because he did not think that he was sober enough to drink home. While I am glad about this, he refusing to say that he was “drunk,” or furthermore, had drank too much. He told me recently that he had had the equivalence of around a 6-pack every night during Spring Break, and has gone downhill from there…I suppose in the sense of his life “outside” of drinking. What used to be honesty has become secretive, what has become reliance has become flakiness. He goes on and off with these drinking “binges,” (call them what you may,) but thinks that he has it for the most part, under control because he hasn’t blacked out or thrown up at all. He also defends that he has been faithful to me, in that he hasn’t touched another girl, and the whole shebang. I will be heading across the country for school this coming fall, and know that a long-distance relationship is hard – even when everything is all right within a relationship. A couple of weeks ago he wanted to stop drinking for a month; today I learned that he has gotten drunk a couple of times, lasting only six days.
The tricky/interesting part about the whole situation is that he knows that what he is doing isn’t necessarily the best thing for him. I know that personally, I cannot do anything about his drinking. The other day I gave him what he called an “ultimatum” –
if he was to pursue becoming an active alcoholic, I would not want to pursue a relationship with him, in that this is the boundary I set for myself. I do not want to be dating someone flaky or dishonest – someone who is going to hurt me in ways that he may or may not understand. In response, he told me that he cannot promise me anything, and does not like me checking up on him “like a mom.”
So I suppose that through all of this mess, I’m not quite sure what to do at this point. I’ve done a bit of perusing, (via good old google,) and have seen that I’m supposedly screwed as far as this relationship. I’m actually cynical by nature, but forever reason, I want to know that this relationship can somehow work, if both of us really want to. Maybe I’m just looking for a good word or two, but I do want honesty. How, and when, (if any hope at all,) can this change for “the better”? I don’t expect everything to be hunky-dory all the time – every relationship has it’s ups and downs, it’s just like life. But what I want to know is where the man I met and first started dating went. I know that I am, by no means perfect – no one is. But the fact that he has started drinking has slowly made me lose faith in him as a person, friend and significant other. I’m tired of learning things long after they are done, and don’t even want to “mom” him. Maybe because I’m new to alcoholism, I don’t “get it.” I don’t understand this odd rollercoaster. If you have any thoughts, it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for stopping by and reading!
Working on me :)
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by littlefoot1031 
I do not want to be dating someone flaky or dishonest – someone who is going to hurt me in ways that he may or may not understand. In response, he told me that he cannot promise me anything, and does not like me checking up on him “like a mom.”
You just have to think of it as a fork in the road. On the left you have the unknown dark woods that could lead you to who-knows-where. This one is pretty mysterious and gloomy and the certainty of it leading you to a beautiful future is slim.
Now there's the road on the right. You're not too sure of this one either but you know it will lead you to other paths, and a lot more options. The terrain is bit more difficult but you know that it will lead you to happier times.
The good news is you are young and you're about to embark on some new adventures in college. Do you really want to waste the most exciting time of your life being tied to an anchor? If anything, just stay friends. You can still keep in touch regardless of the distance but I think you'll eventually let go on your own.
Working on me :)
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 14
I know I'm replying again but I can really relate to you since I recently broke up with my 26 yr old boyfriend of two years that has been drinking for over ten. This stuff IS confusing and the worst part is that it almost never changes (just read all the posts on this forum as proof). If you decide to stick it out then you need to realize that the lying, the secretiveness, and the pain are just going to get worse. You're so young, I just don't want you to look back on your twenties and wonder what happened.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
HIya Little foot--
Welcome to SR!
"But what I want to know is where the man I met and first started dating went."
OMG this is the MOST repeated wish by unhappy partners of alcoholics that I see over and over again on this board!!
Looking for that guy you used to know is going to lead to nothing but heartache.
It sounds like your bf is on the road to a good solid drinking problem/addiction called Alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Even if he were able to quickly get sober and recover he will never be that same guy you met....for to overcome addiction he will need to change himself in ways that should be visible to you.
What behaviors are you missing when you think about the guy you started dating?
Like he used to be reliable, maybe?
He will not be reliable as long as he is drinking.
Like he used to pay more attention/have more time/more money/ to do things with you?
He won't have attention or time or money for you like he will for alcohol as long as he is drinking.
I mean the list goes on and on.
Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.
So he may put the charm on and woo you a little to keep the peace so that you'll not comment on his drinking or nag him about it.
He may keep a good job so he has enough dough to buy booze and enough "standing" in the community so that (in his mind) no one can call him on his drinking.
he may pick fights with you to try to get you riled up so he can blame you for the binge that follows and try to elicit your sympathy since it was you who got him so upset!
Again the list goes on and on.
Anyway- only you can decide what is right for you in your life vis-s-vis this relationship. But when I read a post like this I always feel like I'm watching a horror movie and the poor soon-to-be victim leaves the knife on the counter just as the murderer enters the kitchen and you want to yell from the audience "Run! Run! He's got the knife!!!"
I'd say - you're young and healthy and heading off to college - GO ROCK THAT FUTURE GIRL!! If he sobers up and works a recovery program and you were meant to be - you will be.
Peace,
B
Welcome to SR!
"But what I want to know is where the man I met and first started dating went."
OMG this is the MOST repeated wish by unhappy partners of alcoholics that I see over and over again on this board!!
Looking for that guy you used to know is going to lead to nothing but heartache.
It sounds like your bf is on the road to a good solid drinking problem/addiction called Alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Even if he were able to quickly get sober and recover he will never be that same guy you met....for to overcome addiction he will need to change himself in ways that should be visible to you.
What behaviors are you missing when you think about the guy you started dating?
Like he used to be reliable, maybe?
He will not be reliable as long as he is drinking.
Like he used to pay more attention/have more time/more money/ to do things with you?
He won't have attention or time or money for you like he will for alcohol as long as he is drinking.
I mean the list goes on and on.
Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.
So he may put the charm on and woo you a little to keep the peace so that you'll not comment on his drinking or nag him about it.
He may keep a good job so he has enough dough to buy booze and enough "standing" in the community so that (in his mind) no one can call him on his drinking.
he may pick fights with you to try to get you riled up so he can blame you for the binge that follows and try to elicit your sympathy since it was you who got him so upset!
Again the list goes on and on.
Anyway- only you can decide what is right for you in your life vis-s-vis this relationship. But when I read a post like this I always feel like I'm watching a horror movie and the poor soon-to-be victim leaves the knife on the counter just as the murderer enters the kitchen and you want to yell from the audience "Run! Run! He's got the knife!!!"
I'd say - you're young and healthy and heading off to college - GO ROCK THAT FUTURE GIRL!! If he sobers up and works a recovery program and you were meant to be - you will be.
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Until he is ready to embrace sobriety and recovery fully and with all his effort, he will remain an alcoholic with all that goes along with that. It doesn't sound as if he is ready to do that yet. As such, yup, you'll stay on the rollercoaster as long as you are involved with him. Only you can decide if that is what you want in your life.
As you said a long distance relationship is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are not even close to the best of circumstances. But again only you can decide how much of yourself you are willing to invest in a relationship that already involves dishonesty, disrespect and addiction.
Your boundary sounds like a healthy one for you. I hope you can stick to it.
As you said a long distance relationship is difficult under the best of circumstances. You are not even close to the best of circumstances. But again only you can decide how much of yourself you are willing to invest in a relationship that already involves dishonesty, disrespect and addiction.
Your boundary sounds like a healthy one for you. I hope you can stick to it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Bernadette
when I read a post like this I always feel like I'm watching a horror movie and the poor soon-to-be victim leaves the knife on the counter just as the murderer enters the kitchen and you want to yell from the audience "Run! Run! He's got the knife!!!"
Yuppers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Littiefoot1031,
please listen and pay attention to these gals
you can save yourself a lot of misery.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!
PS WELCOME I like that littlefoot tag
please listen and pay attention to these gals
you can save yourself a lot of misery.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!
PS WELCOME I like that littlefoot tag
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Littlefoot, you are probably the age I was when I met my AH. But, so much wiser as you are noticing a red flag and seeking some clarification and help. Good for you.
My life has been turned and flipped and a mess because of my AH and my own progressive slide into insanity and codependence. Woke up 18 months ago betrayed and abandoned by AH after 18 years of marriage as he refused to care for me when injured which hurt terribly because I had been loyal and caring to a FAULT (my fault) when he nearly killed himself in a DUI. Then an affair and the realization of how I allowed myself to be manipulated. Just found out he has a new lover and she is your age...he is twice her age. Lied about that too. It just keeps going on and getting worse and he is destroying not only our family, but greatly harming our kids. He is in denial and I am in recovery and wil be officially divorced in a few weeks.
I can't offer you advice but I can encourage you in your quest to find the best for YOU! Love yourself enough to do what is right for you.
My life has been turned and flipped and a mess because of my AH and my own progressive slide into insanity and codependence. Woke up 18 months ago betrayed and abandoned by AH after 18 years of marriage as he refused to care for me when injured which hurt terribly because I had been loyal and caring to a FAULT (my fault) when he nearly killed himself in a DUI. Then an affair and the realization of how I allowed myself to be manipulated. Just found out he has a new lover and she is your age...he is twice her age. Lied about that too. It just keeps going on and getting worse and he is destroying not only our family, but greatly harming our kids. He is in denial and I am in recovery and wil be officially divorced in a few weeks.
I can't offer you advice but I can encourage you in your quest to find the best for YOU! Love yourself enough to do what is right for you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Littlefoot, welcome to SR! It is wonderful that you found this site.
I too thought if we both wanted it me and my bf would get through it. The trouble was that he was telling me what I wanted to hear, he may have meant what he said but he could not stop from drinking.
As much as you care for and love him, the best way you can help him is to leave him to it. Protect yourself from the misery this disease brings along with it. He won't mean to hurt you, but inevitably he will.
Read through the stickies, click on our names to see our past. We have all been through it and are trying to pick up the pieces.
Keep on posting
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
I too thought if we both wanted it me and my bf would get through it. The trouble was that he was telling me what I wanted to hear, he may have meant what he said but he could not stop from drinking.
As much as you care for and love him, the best way you can help him is to leave him to it. Protect yourself from the misery this disease brings along with it. He won't mean to hurt you, but inevitably he will.
Read through the stickies, click on our names to see our past. We have all been through it and are trying to pick up the pieces.
Keep on posting
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome littleFoot! Glad that you found us! There is a lot of support here so please keep posting!
Long distance can be a hard one and IMHO I would place the focus on school and yourself! If things are meant to be they will....we cannot stop anyone from the choices they make for themselves. I know this is hard but sticking to the boundary you have set is a healthy start! Invest in yourself and your happiness as you move forward at starting your life and education! As Barb stated investing the time in a realationship that already involves addiction among other things is not worth the sacrifice of your own well being!
Prayers and
's to you Keep posting!
Long distance can be a hard one and IMHO I would place the focus on school and yourself! If things are meant to be they will....we cannot stop anyone from the choices they make for themselves. I know this is hard but sticking to the boundary you have set is a healthy start! Invest in yourself and your happiness as you move forward at starting your life and education! As Barb stated investing the time in a realationship that already involves addiction among other things is not worth the sacrifice of your own well being!
Prayers and
's to you Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, I would never put myself in that situation again. Why? Because I know there are decent, respectful men out there who don't have a drinking problem. I am no longer willing to settle for less than I deserve. My bar of standards is set high today, my life is so much better, and with so many blessings in it because I have learned my lesson and worked hard on my codependency 
I was married to an alkie/addict and spent 5 long miserable abusive years yearning for the man I 'thought' I had originally met.
I was married to an alkie/addict and spent 5 long miserable abusive years yearning for the man I 'thought' I had originally met.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I had a long discussion with my daughter (who is close to your age) this morning. She called in tears because she had (again) broken up with her abf. This is a guy who has had multiple dui's and has been through treatment three times. He still thinks that "alcohol doesn't control him"......classic denial.
I will share with you what I told her when she told me that she was back with him (again) this last time.
My dear daughter.......you see him through the eyes of love and I cannot choose who you fall in love with. He is an alcoholic. You know this but you choose to stay with him. I can accept that because I cannot control it. You must walk your own path. But you know more about alcoholism than most people......you know that this isn't going to be easy. You know that the cards are stacked against you. And you know that I am always here to love you and accept the partner you choose.
When she called this morning to tell me that they had broken up again......I can't lie.....I wanted to jump for joy but I didn't. I couldn't. Her heart is broken and she hurts. So I will wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her. And hopefully we can talk this through and she will see that she needs to take care of herself FIRST and FOREMOST. Stick to her boundaries and be happy with herself. Once she makes this commitment to her own happiness, I feel confident that she will find a man who deserves the priviledge of being loved by her.
You too must walk your own path. You have choices. Make them wisely.
gentle hugs
I will share with you what I told her when she told me that she was back with him (again) this last time.
My dear daughter.......you see him through the eyes of love and I cannot choose who you fall in love with. He is an alcoholic. You know this but you choose to stay with him. I can accept that because I cannot control it. You must walk your own path. But you know more about alcoholism than most people......you know that this isn't going to be easy. You know that the cards are stacked against you. And you know that I am always here to love you and accept the partner you choose.
When she called this morning to tell me that they had broken up again......I can't lie.....I wanted to jump for joy but I didn't. I couldn't. Her heart is broken and she hurts. So I will wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her. And hopefully we can talk this through and she will see that she needs to take care of herself FIRST and FOREMOST. Stick to her boundaries and be happy with herself. Once she makes this commitment to her own happiness, I feel confident that she will find a man who deserves the priviledge of being loved by her.
You too must walk your own path. You have choices. Make them wisely.
gentle hugs
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