sandrawg

Okay, today is the first day of my No Contact w/my ex-bf (coke problem). It's really hard. But I don't feel angry anymore, which I think is good.

However, I am thinking back on the past...remembering certain things that I think may have been coke use my ex hid from me.

1) Around Xmas, my 2 nephews were visiting. We went to a bar with my ex and one of his friends. Ex and his friend (male-who is actually an alcoholic) went to the restroom together. My nephews poked fun at this a little. I didn't think anything of it at the time.

I read on a diff forum that "guys don't go to the bathroom together except to get high together."

2) One time we went out to a club and afterwards, my ex stood in front of a lingerie store and asked every passer-by what they thought about the outfits. For an hour and a half. It was kind of fun at first, but he was acting really ancy...kind of like he did the time before, back in Nov, when I busted him for doing blow some guy gave him.

The behavior was similar-he was a little jittery and just weird. Hard to explain. But I even asked him if he was on any drugs, and he swore to me NO.

THen, when we got home, he got sick-vomited and couldn't sleep. I was puzzled by this because he hadn't gotten drunk-he'd had maybe 2 beers.

Does coke make people vomit?

3) One weekend I did not hear from him all day/nigth on Friday and all day Saturday, even though we were supposed to get together. I kept texting, calling-he didn't respond (which is unusual for him).

Finally, he calls me at 4p Saturday and said he had been sleeping that whole time.

I thought that was weird and unhealthy to sleep so long. Now I'm wondering if he was recovering from doing coke the night before.

I think he was not going to tell me he did blow on the day I broke up with him. I think the only reason he told me is because I accused him of seeing someone else, and he didn't want me to think that. I knew something or someone was coming between us, I just thought it might be another woman.

I think I would have preferred it to be another woman, actually, rather than this.

Knowing his reluctance to confess to me that day, makes me think he's been lying to me for 8 months. And yes, I do believe hiding drug use is a form of lying. That's a little hard to take.

lil516

No surprises in your post

His behavior is pretty typical addict behavior....

What you are doing now is slowly processing and coming to the realization of "what is"

Take the time you need to process the facts but don't get too stuck in figuring out the signs you missed.....
you weren't looking for addict behavior so you didn't see it

now is the time to start thinking about and focusing on YOU

ZombieWife

You could try and go back and think of all the times he might have used. The bottom line is that he probably won't ever confirm those suspicions and that's all they're ever be.

Honestly, I would just look on them as learning experiences in that you might know what to look for again in the future. Just don't overthink it. This leads to more paranoia in some cases and you'll just drive yourself mad over it.

Give yourself a little break here. Let your mind rest for a bit, ok? I'm not saying it's bad to think about this stuff, just try not to obsess (and trust me, I'm the grandmaster poobah at obsessing sometimes.)

It will get easier over time. Someday, your brain and body will be too exhausted to overanalyze and you'll learn a little at a time how to let go of the excess baggage--how to weed your garden, so to say.

The first day or two, well, those are the hardest. I'd just try to keep yourself busy with other things. My solution was cleaning. Another poster on here also spoke of cleaning the heck out of things. Find something remedial like that, or go talk with friends, go to a movie. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

:ghug2

jerect

For I time, I to racked my mind with all the situations that my AH was using, all the signs that I missed or tried to ignore. All it got me was Craziness.

Looking back I don't know why I obsessed about these things so much, maybe I was trying to blame myself or trying to see where I failed him as a wife. Now I know that I have done none of these things. The past doesn't matter. What he has done to himself and to his family is not about me/us it's about him.

Don't obsess or think about the things that you cannot change but instead think about the things that you can change.. those things are you and your situation and not your exbf..

Give it time, I know this is hard. I know your story well because I could have written it.. My AH husband's DOC was not cocaine but pills but the DOC doesn't matter, the affects are the same. When I came here a few months ago I was a mess but now each day passes and I get a little better. Sure I slip and fall but I go back to step one. I'm powerless over my husbands addiction and my life has become unmanageable. I then have to ask myself, how do I make my life manageable today? What can I do differently then yesterday to make things better? Not better for the addict but better for me.

sandrawg

I think the reason I'm thinking about these things is because when I first called him out about the coke he not only played it off, like it's no big deal and tried to minimize it, but he actually got hostile with me-you know, how dare I make such a big deal over some little recreational activity? and "gee, simmer down, I only did a couple of BUMPS"...etc.

Well I guess I am claiming back the truth and my right to be alarmed over this. I'm trying to face the truth, also, so I won't be tempted to ever take him back. If I start even FLIRTING with the thought that oh, he's right, it's no big deal, he can take it or leave it, I might be tempted to take him back.

BindereDunnat

The wisdom already expressed in the posts above me can't be overstated-- don't fret about it, don't obsess. You can't change the past, you can't undo anything he may or may not have done, and it really doesn't matter when he was doing it- just that you know now that he WAS, and that it made your life with him intolerable.

My (almost offically) exAH told me recently "YOU let it get that bad! You knew I was having a problem and you just LET it happen!"

Um. Excuse me? i tried everything I could to make him see the errors of his ways, to no avail..

Another good one was "You're such a bitch I HAD to get high to escape my life with you!"

We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.
But when it's so bad it's destroying our lives, right along with that of the addict, it's time to reevaluate. Congrats for getting out. Now breathe deeply, relax.. and begin to live your life for YOU. Best of luck to you!! (As I type this, I realize I'm saying it just as much to myself as to you, and to anyone else out there listening, who may need to hear the same thing!)

hello-kitty

OMG. that's such a bunch of malarkey. I heard it too. That's when I did a self check. I asked myself, was I really so pathetic that I would actually wonder whether or not that was true?! Did I have SO MUCH influence over one person that I can make them use drugs and destroy their life? Was I that powerful and horrible of a person, like hitler???? I decided that was a weak excuse. It was absolute complete total denial of responsibility for his own actions. Typical addict behavior.

My ex blames me that he's in prison. See, he was a crackhead who got arrested and ended up in jail. I broke up with him because he was a liar and a cheater and he was getting physical. When he got out of jail, I let him stay with me and his son while he tried to get back on his feet. He quit his job and relapsed (not neccessarily in that order). He said it was because I wouldn't have sex with him. He got arrested 6 weeks later and now he's back in prison on meth & violence charges.

If only I would have had sex with him I could have prevented all that.....

sandrawg

My ex is great at shirking responsibility. He has never blamed me for anything, because, remember "he doesn't have a drug problem", but the way it manifests for him is to let his parents clean up his messes.

He got into debt pretty heavily, so his parents are managing his credit card payment schedule. He didn't pay taxes, so they handled that with the IRS. They handle his health insurance (cuz he doesn't have it through his job). He got into a car accident last year-they handled the snafu with the car insurance.

And he never has to take responsibility...he can just float through life knowing someone is there to pick up after him. He's 24.

Meanwhile, his 18 year old sister just barely graduated high school and is living at home with no job and no plans for school. Still, they bought her a brand new car. Apparently she had a coke problem for a while. Oh, and when she told her therapist that my ex gave her coke, he got mad at her for "getting him into trouble."

When he told me that, bells went off...ding ding ding! That was the beginning of me deciding I can't be with this guy.

The codependent in me wants to go to them and bring them the record all my IMs with my ex where he talks about doing blow. Or send them a link to my postings on this forum. It is a daily struggle to not do it.

Like someone on this forum said, they will find out eventually that he's not clean. Maybe something will put a stop to their enabling, coddling behavior. But it's not my job to try to do it. Thanks to this forum, I'm figuring that out.

hello-kitty

my ex doesn't have a drug problem either.... well except for when he can't get any because he's in prison...

yep. At 24 until about 30, my ex floated thru life shirking responsibility and never having to blame anyone for his problems. It was one big party. Now he's 35 and the party caught up with him.

He's losing his teeth, he's losing his mind, he's doing like his 3rd stint in jail and prison... drug use and the effects of drug use are progressive... we don't lose everything right away. At first its fun. Then it's fun with consequences. Then it's ALL consequences.

Your exbf is still in the fun stage with little to no consequences. He's far from wanting to really commit himself to staying clean. Why would he. He's still got everyone and everything going for him.

Sandra, I assume that if your ex is only 24, you must be in your 20s as well. I strongly encourage you to keep the focus on your future without him instead of worrying about him and what he's doing and what his family is doing. Before you know it, you will be in YOUR thirties, and you'll have wasted the best years of your life worrying about things that are out of your control.

I'm glad you are starting to move on.

sandrawg

No, I'm much older than he is. I'm glad I didn't meet him when I was in my 20s, or I probably would have been naive and foolish enough to stick by him.

jerect

Getting hostile and staying on the defensive are all characteristics of an addict. When my husband is using he gets very hostile and defensive when I question him about it. At first it upset me, like I was the cause of his anger but then I realized that he was that way because he was guilty. When you are guilty of something and wanting to cover it up then of course you are going to get hostile.

It's amazing how most all addicts share the same characteristics, it's like they were cut out of the same mold or something.

sandrawg

My ex is also very anti-authoritarian. He can't stand to be told what to do.

Yet...he can be very passive and laidback and sweet. It's like he has 2 personalities.

He went to boarding school and juvenile camp in his teens because of drugs. That obviously didn't stop him. And now losing his girlfriend isn't stopping him, either.