ihatethis

I've been away for awhile. I've been avoiding exabf, and chewing on why I got where I was. My question for anyone that feels like sharing.... Have any of you found that you think you come here for one reason, and others seem to pop out of the woodwork? I thought I was here because of the one and only addict in my life... then I start to thinking... My sister... eating disordered, cutter, abuses gravol (may not seem like a big deal, but it does cause me some concern) and she is married. They were married about a year and a half, almost two before he started using. He's a coke head and she's starting to get things in place to leave him. She says... but I think... "we'll see". I don't get my hopes up anymore. I've offered my home and told her I can support her until she finds new work. And this is the kicker... she's a social worker. A crisis counselor by trade and actually very good at her job and very well respected. No one has any idea. They have no idea her marriage is in shambles, although they believe she has battled with and beaten an eating disorder.... people so believe what they want to believe. They have no idea she's a cutter... although as her marriage gets worse she's been getting sloppy and someone will figure it out soon.

So I'm a 30 year old woman that thought exabf was the one and only addict in my life and while reading Co-dependant no more... (cliche perhaps but it works) I realized that more scenarios reminded me of my relationship with my little sister than him. I've been much harder on him that I am on her. Have any of you felt like total idiots for not seeing the elephant in the room sooner? Thats what I really want to know.

peaceteach

I absolutely know what you are talking about, but I will always be eternally grateful for stumbling into SR when I did. I linked here from someone's blog, and wasn't really looking for info on my son, but I began reading on the substance abuse family forum. Things clicked, from one post to another, and my heart just sank with grief at the realization that they were all describing MY son. I had done all the reading, the detaching, the acceptance that I didn't cause it, etc., with my ex-alcoholic husband whom I had divorced 3 years earlier. But I was in total denial about my son, trying desperately to "save" him and thinking I could! One day here and I began reading the posts like a codie manual, practically taking notes on what to start doing and stop doing. It's been such a blessing and I know my HP had a complete hand in guiding me to this wonderful, sharing, heartbreaking, uplifting forum.

ihatethis

Thanks Peaceteach... you're a stand up girl... (if you're a dude I'm so sorry) :-)

It's nice to know we all have our blindspots from time to time. Still not sure what to do with my little sister, but I try. What more can one do? Right?

Your bang on with your adjectives for this forum.

BayAreaPhoenix

For me, it's the same. I've been in and out of therapy for years, and each time gotten better and stronger, but never did I put together dysfunctional/addict patterns. I now realize that I have no clue how much I dealt with was addict behavior from an active addict, and how much was dysfunction. Doesn't matter - on this path I have learned, we are all in the same boat - and I'm happy to have all of you as ship-mates!

Life has these winks at us, and when we finally catch Life doing it - at least for me - I have to wonder where it's all going? I hope somewhere fantastic! For all of us!

Good luck with your sister and BF - (((hugs))) to you!

itisatruth

.....the elepantS in the roomS......


I can totally relate. I found SR while looking for al-anon/nar-anon because of my AH. I've always known there were dysfunctional people in my life growing up.....

--my mom's first boyfriend (live in) after my parent's divorce was an alcoholic

--my mom's next boyfriend, and sister's dad, had an addictive personality....what ever he did, he did it to obsessiveness: gambling, drugs, phone calls, women

--my son's dad, abusive and probably an alcoholic/pot addict

--my own dad grew pot in our garage (although he has always been a good dad)

--my uncle, always drunk at family gatherings

But I think what has surprised me most is not that I was in denial that these people had problems, it was that I always thought I was the healthy one, the one who was too smart to ever become a codie. So the things I am learning here are enabling me to see things about myself and my past that have contributed to where I am today, what kind of person I am.

For example:

-my mom's codependency tendencies influenced me far more than I ever realized before

--I was around drugs, alcohol, and partying so much, I don't think I knew it wasn't "normal"

--I make myself a martyr so that others don't feel bad, have been doing it all my life

--my mom, bless her heart, is a total enabler, who has been enabling my 33 year old brother all his life to be a spoiled brat who still throws tantrums and my sister to become a 20 year old bum on her way to alcoholism ( she enabled me to try to take care of them all)

--my dad, total control freak....hmm, did I get any of that????


Thank GOD for SR, knowing all this is, I think, a huge step for my own recovery.

Maybe you will be able to share some of what you have learned with your sister. You can't make her do anything, but maybe "planting the seed" in her mind will help her come to terms with what she needs to do.

Thanks for the question....

ihatethis

[QUOTE=itisatruth;1762730].....
But I think what has surprised me most is not that I was in denial that these people had problems, it was that I always thought I was the healthy one, the one who was too smart to ever become a codie. So the things I am learning here are enabling me to see things about myself and my past that have contributed to where I am today, what kind of person I am.


But I really am the healthy one and I AM too smart to be a codie!!!

Good lord, I'm generic after all. Thanks though... That's exactly where I am. I'm working on it... honest!

ihatethis

I'm not good at quotes... it was the first time I used them... sorry...

StillLearning1

Elephants in the living room...
Me too!!

Started this journey because of ah.. I was one of those alanoners who takes things very literally.. honest to a fault!! I was on a full blown safari in my house... elephant!! elephant!!

Now my family of origin.... very comfortable stepping around all those elephants. Watch out when everyone is perfectly content riding on that ship on DeNile... rock that boat and.... I believe I was thrown overboard!!

So many secrets... whew!! Did I ever really know these people?

rozied

Yes I can really relate to what you have said.

sandrawg

Yes, I can relate.

My sisters have all been involved with alcoholic and/or abusive men. I don't know where that comes from. My dad is and was a solid, caring, good father.

I was with a solid, good, trustworthy responsible man for 12 years. He left me because I developed anxiety problems that he couldn't handle. He had been abused as a child and was too fragile to stick with me. I'm much better now.

Three years after the divorce, though, I've been in 2 serious relationships: 1 with a recovering alcoholic who turned out to be abusive. The second was with my ex whom I've posted about at length up here--good guy but hung up on coke and I didn't realize it til recently.

This is the stuff years of psychotherapy is made of.

ihatethis

This is why I keep coming back... thank guys. One day I might get into my family. They are wonderful... 85% was totally Norman Rockwell... the rest my sister and can only talk about amongst ourselves. But I know where some of this s**t comes from.

Thank you for all your experience and understanding. You help me feel not so alone. I could never talk to anyone else in my life like I can talk to all of you. You help me make progress everyday.

:ghug